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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2020 -  One Week Challenge  ›  You Couldn't Write This - OWC Moderators: ReneC, Administrator
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Don
Posted: January 24th, 2020, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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You Couldn't Write This by Actually I Just Did - Short, Drama - A man fears for his life when he taken captive and asked questions he has no answers for. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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JEStaats
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Well written little story that just kind of ends. I was hoping for something sinister or a clue that the spouse was in on it somehow or some other twist but it just ends. Maybe she WAS sleeping with the captor and this was her way of getting out of it? IDK.

Minor detail but the captor never removed the gag in the beginning. You may want to lose the 'continued' on every page. Unnecessary and distracting.

Needs a title! Almost distracting to see if what you had actually had something to do with the story.

Meets criteria (shovel, sand, song).

Overall, well written and good tension. Good job, writer!
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ReneC
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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I deleted some posts that give away who wrote this.

Author, PM me if you want to take any other action.


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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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The CON'T at the top and bottom of each page is unneeded and a tad distracting.

My first script I submitted here is a torture story, so this reminded me of that. The difference is you have a neat twist. I didn't see that aspect coming and elevated an otherwise straight forward story for me.

The dialogue is very one-note. You have the characters saying the same thing over and over for pages. Admit it you had sex with her...you got the wrong guy...rinse repeat. It gets way too repetitive and in the short page limit you should spice it up, change things.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say you used 'sickness' as in the stalker is deranged? That's my best guess.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
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Bayne
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Solid and complete. Works as a "torture thriller", relying heavily on violence to create tension. Typically effective from an audio/visual standpoint.  The conclusion is satisfying (good guys win, bad guy loses). Not bad at all.

I would recommend giving Captor and Captive actual names. The similar spelling caused some eye strain during the back-and-forth dialogue.
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Zack
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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Title is lazy. Just about any other title would be better.

Simple story. Actually didn't see the "twist" coming, so kudos there.

The writing could use some work. Typos and grammar issues throughout. And, please, name your characters.

Meets the criteria, but this one could have really benefited from a couple good rewrites.




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eldave1
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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IMO, Captor and Captive poor choices for the character IDs.  Note - when you refer to them later in action blocks it's not the captive or the captor - it's  the Captive or Captor - cap the first letter.

Hate "we sees" when not needed.  Not needed here.

The description blocks are pretty inefficient. By that I mean you say in ten words what could be said in five.

Despite the fact that there are errors throughout - once you get to the actual dialogue it's not bad at all - the pages when by fairly quickly.

Not crazy about the ending.

Anyway - I think you have some potential - you seem to have a good imagination. But you really need to read some scripts, research etc to try to get your work at a higher level of craftsmanship.

Congrats on entering.

Note: A bad title, IMO.





My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Britman
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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This was alright. Dialogue needs some work. I think I missed where the requirement were met. Action also needs work especially the first page, just too much and no flair to it. Overall though okay story and with a few more drafts could be decent.


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Pretty/Dark by James Williams
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stevemiles
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Top three least favourite intros:

Alarm clock fumbles.
Chased through the woods.
Wakes up tied to a chair.

Just a personal gripe.  Just rare to find a setup that puts a fresh spin on the idea.  …I get it, tied to a chair/interrogation is easy to film, gives you that immediate tension.  Hard not to be sucked into these scenarios.

‘I think you’ve got the wrong man’ - 'think' seems like an odd thing to say given the circumstances. - Not sure I’d be giving him any room for doubt.

Okay, usually not a fan of this setup, but the twist here was actually a surprise so kudos for that.  That said, they’re married so I’m not entirely sure what the Stalker expected the answer to be.  But he’s a lunatic so maybe a pass on that.

Could have had more fun with the dialogue perhaps—felt a little standard for the situation.  A quick read and entertaining enough.

Good luck.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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AndyJ
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was pretty well written, I didn't expect the ending to go the way it did.

I think having "Captor" and Captive" is not good as it makes it a bit hard to read. Also at the end you say the "Captive" was in cuffs, should have been "Captor" seems you confused yourself.

I didn't get the title


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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Not a fan of the no name thing, not sure what it achieves here.

The script is pretty solid and moves along at a decent pace.

But it does seem a little cliche due to the familiarity of the setup.

The 'twist' is what I expected, but it was well delivered so kudos.

At the end you have the captive both on the gurney and with the police.  

Not bad


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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khamanna
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm well written and all but you could do better with Character names.

Also, the twist is somehow easy. Not to use the dreaded "trivial" word.

I liked the dialog overal but it could use more characterization. Right now your characters do not jump off the pages for me.

Not a bad effort overall. And the criteria is well used.

Congrats on entering!
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Arundel
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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So the captor is a stalker obsessed with this woman who happens to be married. He believes her husband is actually the stalker and she is his wife, correct? OK, the writer says it's based on a true story so I won't argue with how it played out. Overall it was well written and formatted well. Easy to follow.
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Dan_P
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hi there ,
I'm afraid I can't add anything that hasn't been already said - I enjoyed the twist, didn't like that the characters didn't have names, and I thought the dialogue was a bit one-sided. But overall a good, quick read!
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Meaningless late comments...  not bad writer, you handled the twist well, but I think it can use some tightening up. Especially in the action lines. I'd heed the other comments about the dialogue, too.

Ghost


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