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You Couldn't Write This - OWC (currently 1365 views) |
Don |
Posted: January 24th, 2020, 5:21pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
You Couldn't Write This by Actually I Just Did - Short, Drama - A man fears for his life when he taken captive and asked questions he has no answers for. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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JEStaats |
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 12:28pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Well written little story that just kind of ends. I was hoping for something sinister or a clue that the spouse was in on it somehow or some other twist but it just ends. Maybe she WAS sleeping with the captor and this was her way of getting out of it? IDK.
Minor detail but the captor never removed the gag in the beginning. You may want to lose the 'continued' on every page. Unnecessary and distracting.
Needs a title! Almost distracting to see if what you had actually had something to do with the story.
Meets criteria (shovel, sand, song).
Overall, well written and good tension. Good job, writer! |
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Reply: 1 - 25 |
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ReneC |
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 1:56pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
I deleted some posts that give away who wrote this.
Author, PM me if you want to take any other action. |
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Reply: 2 - 25 |
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TheUsualSuspect |
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 2:18pm |
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New
LocationCanada Posts351 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
The CON'T at the top and bottom of each page is unneeded and a tad distracting.
My first script I submitted here is a torture story, so this reminded me of that. The difference is you have a neat twist. I didn't see that aspect coming and elevated an otherwise straight forward story for me.
The dialogue is very one-note. You have the characters saying the same thing over and over for pages. Admit it you had sex with her...you got the wrong guy...rinse repeat. It gets way too repetitive and in the short page limit you should spice it up, change things.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say you used 'sickness' as in the stalker is deranged? That's my best guess.
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Reply: 3 - 25 |
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Bayne |
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 9:23pm |
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Posts36 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Solid and complete. Works as a "torture thriller", relying heavily on violence to create tension. Typically effective from an audio/visual standpoint. The conclusion is satisfying (good guys win, bad guy loses). Not bad at all.
I would recommend giving Captor and Captive actual names. The similar spelling caused some eye strain during the back-and-forth dialogue. |
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Reply: 4 - 25 |
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Zack |
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 10:14am |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Title is lazy. Just about any other title would be better. Simple story. Actually didn't see the "twist" coming, so kudos there. The writing could use some work. Typos and grammar issues throughout. And, please, name your characters. Meets the criteria, but this one could have really benefited from a couple good rewrites. |
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Reply: 5 - 25 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 12:10pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
IMO, Captor and Captive poor choices for the character IDs. Note - when you refer to them later in action blocks it's not the captive or the captor - it's the Captive or Captor - cap the first letter.
Hate "we sees" when not needed. Not needed here.
The description blocks are pretty inefficient. By that I mean you say in ten words what could be said in five.
Despite the fact that there are errors throughout - once you get to the actual dialogue it's not bad at all - the pages when by fairly quickly.
Not crazy about the ending.
Anyway - I think you have some potential - you seem to have a good imagination. But you really need to read some scripts, research etc to try to get your work at a higher level of craftsmanship.
Congrats on entering.
Note: A bad title, IMO.
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Reply: 6 - 25 |
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Britman |
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 1:04pm |
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LocationNot in Britain Posts101 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
This was alright. Dialogue needs some work. I think I missed where the requirement were met. Action also needs work especially the first page, just too much and no flair to it. Overall though okay story and with a few more drafts could be decent. |
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Reply: 7 - 25 |
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stevemiles |
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 3:50pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Top three least favourite intros:
Alarm clock fumbles. Chased through the woods. Wakes up tied to a chair.
Just a personal gripe. Just rare to find a setup that puts a fresh spin on the idea. …I get it, tied to a chair/interrogation is easy to film, gives you that immediate tension. Hard not to be sucked into these scenarios.
‘I think you’ve got the wrong man’ - 'think' seems like an odd thing to say given the circumstances. - Not sure I’d be giving him any room for doubt.
Okay, usually not a fan of this setup, but the twist here was actually a surprise so kudos for that. That said, they’re married so I’m not entirely sure what the Stalker expected the answer to be. But he’s a lunatic so maybe a pass on that.
Could have had more fun with the dialogue perhaps—felt a little standard for the situation. A quick read and entertaining enough.
Good luck. |
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AndyJ |
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 3:56pm |
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New
Posts120 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
I thought this was pretty well written, I didn't expect the ending to go the way it did.
I think having "Captor" and Captive" is not good as it makes it a bit hard to read. Also at the end you say the "Captive" was in cuffs, should have been "Captor" seems you confused yourself.
I didn't get the title |
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Reply: 9 - 25 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 6:32pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Not a fan of the no name thing, not sure what it achieves here.
The script is pretty solid and moves along at a decent pace.
But it does seem a little cliche due to the familiarity of the setup.
The 'twist' is what I expected, but it was well delivered so kudos.
At the end you have the captive both on the gurney and with the police.
Not bad |
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Reply: 10 - 25 |
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khamanna |
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 7:31pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Hmm well written and all but you could do better with Character names.
Also, the twist is somehow easy. Not to use the dreaded "trivial" word.
I liked the dialog overal but it could use more characterization. Right now your characters do not jump off the pages for me.
Not a bad effort overall. And the criteria is well used.
Congrats on entering! |
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Reply: 11 - 25 |
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Arundel |
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 10:02pm |
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January Project Group
LocationLas Vegas, Nevada Posts265 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
So the captor is a stalker obsessed with this woman who happens to be married. He believes her husband is actually the stalker and she is his wife, correct? OK, the writer says it's based on a true story so I won't argue with how it played out. Overall it was well written and formatted well. Easy to follow. |
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Reply: 12 - 25 |
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Dan_P |
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 4:01pm |
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LocationBavaria Posts64 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
Hi there , I'm afraid I can't add anything that hasn't been already said - I enjoyed the twist, didn't like that the characters didn't have names, and I thought the dialogue was a bit one-sided. But overall a good, quick read! |
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Reply: 13 - 25 |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 8:59pm |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1565 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Meaningless late comments... not bad writer, you handled the twist well, but I think it can use some tightening up. Especially in the action lines. I'd heed the other comments about the dialogue, too.
Ghost |
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