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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2020 -  One Week Challenge  ›  The Astral Plane - OWC Moderators: ReneC, Administrator
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  Author    The Astral Plane - OWC  (currently 1488 views)
Don
Posted: January 24th, 2020, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Astral Plane by I'aint Asimov - Short, Sci Fi - A rescue mission crosses the many planes of existence. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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VaultMan
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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At first the hard landing (which takes 3 pages) seemed redundant, I was thinking if it would be best to make it shorter. But in the end it actually made sense why we need to spend so much time on it and it doesn't seem so out of place. Though maybe it might have been a bit shorter.

The dialogue seemed a bit movie-ish to me at places, I think it can be improved. I think that dialogue can reflect a character's stance on one issue or the other. For example, when Shaw says,

Quoted Text
"It's okay, Will. I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do. Trust me. It'll be okay."

- it looks like pretty "general" dialogue to me. On the other hand, it would be possible to show Shaw's stance on dying, which could be pretty elaborate, and this way make this character deeper - via just one piece of dialogue. And this can be applied to many other remarks by other characters, which would be especially helpful in such constrained circumstances (i.e., you don't have 120 pages to show who your characters are).

The characters are pretty much similar to one another, with Will perhaps having some personality. There's room for improvement here, for now they look a bit generic.

The story seems quite compelling. One other issue I had with this is its theme. What would this movie tell the viewer? This is something that might be added in a later draft, but maybe there is some message here that I didn't get.

Overall, looks pretty solid to me, I think the author is not new to this, but there's also room for improvement.


Chukcha not reader, Chukcha writer!
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

This sorta zoomed over my head the first go around.  Read it again.  No biggie, I'm a big science fiction fan, but this just didn't grab me.  My main riff, you have three characters, none of whom stand out as interesting or dynamic, they all talk alike, regardless of age, sex, background, etc... JMHO. If I were to close my eyes I couldn't tell them apart.  (”Right. Protocol. Atmospheric testing, adjust our meds, confirm comms, and Bob is your Uncle.”)  I assume this was suppose to be a joke.  That is... what's in Italics.

Anyway, not a bad effort by any means. I just wanted more.

Ghost


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eldave1
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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Winner of best author name.

Okay - first sci-fi I've read where there was a bit of world building upfront - kudos.

The series of dialogue where the Astral i coming in hot to the planet rang stereotypical to my ear.

I don't like this:


Quoted Text
As it tumbles, the hatch opens and Dean is thrown from the
shuttle into a rock outcrop. He is a mangled, bloody, mess.


Way too convenient - I mean really? Find another way for him to get mangled.

This is a bad bit of dialogue here:


Quoted Text
WILL
These are not life threatening
wounds and I don't plan on staying
here.


I mean he just found out he's walking among the living dead and says that???

Okay -

Ya know, I enjoy your imagination. Despite the nit issues above, you did a fantastic job of world building and I believe I saw everything you wanted me to see.  There is some talent here. But the story falls flat at the end. Like you couldn't quite figure out a clever ending and stopped.

Overall - good effort for the short time period.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
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This feels like an old episode of Star Trek (Shatner), which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but with characters that seem very similar to each other it's hard to care for what's happening.

The comms not penetrating the atmosphere and then the same atmosphere not working with the drugs, and the drugs themselves (rather than a space suit) all felt like two too many conveniences.

The read itself was fine, formatting etc no issues but I just couldn't engage.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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stevemiles
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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‘…there’s an anomaly that we just can’t see to overcome.’  - hope that’s not going to prove an issue…

A fast read but storywise, like the Astral, it didn’t land for me.  The kind of story that needs room to breathe.  I can’t help but think these ideas are better suited to prose.

So this planet is a barren wasteland unless you’re dead at which point it becomes a lush market town you won’t want to leave.  Fair enough, nothing wrong with that.  But there’s kind of a false beat in the ending.    You set up a sense of happy (there’s an afterlife and it’s awesome) but fade out on sad.  Wouldn’t Will, since he’s now dead, presumably be enjoying the market town with his colleagues?  His body is ‘in a barren wasteland of a nameless planet in space’ but his soul is haggling for tasty space fruit.  Maybe I’m missing the intent, but it seems to work against your own logic.

Writing wise, you could stand to give us a little more by way of character description - something to scratch beneath the surface of who these characters are.

It’s not a bad idea, but this kind of sci-fi is tricky to pull off for the page count.

Good luck.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Bayne
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Love the opening sequence. Clear dialogue and visuals, fast paced. I was invested immediately. However, the ending falls a bit short. The concept of an astral plane on a barren planet is a very cool, but your story ends at the introduction of said concept. I would have liked to see more of the astral plane, or to see Will attempt to escape it (which in turn would suggest hope of survival, creating more suspense). As it stands, Will leaves this new world immediately after he enters it.

That being said, the writing IS good, and it held my interest, so kudos to that. I think a rework of the final act and some added conflict could be beneficial.
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JEStaats
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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That Will is just all business. Not even shook up? It had me until page 4: good pace and build up but the dialogue...ouch.

It would make a great Twilight Zone episode. I liked the open-ended scene of whether he went on to wherever that was or did he just imagine it all and die alone on the planet.

No complaints on the formatting and writing as a whole. Work on the banter and you might have something.

Good work, writer.
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Fais85
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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Easy read. Well imagined. But somehow, the ending didn't work for me. Why would someone be sad at the time of death especially when they have seen a happy afterlife? I am sorry if I am missing something but this needs a little more explanation. Great writing though.
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ReneC
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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The Astral Plane from the title is never really mentioned or alluded to, so if that is what's going on here it needs to be firmed up.

I like the idea of a whole civilization living phase-shifted and the only way to see them is to die there. That sort of story has been done before, there are Star Trek episodes like that, only people don't die to get there, so the afterlife angle is cool.

Considering the amount of time spent on the "meds", they didn't last long enough to even make it worthwhile. A concoction to counter the effects of an otherwise inhospitable atmosphere is interesting, but how did they do that if they couldn't even identify the composition of the atmosphere? Maybe that's why they didn't last long at all, it was a best guess, but that would have been a good thing for someone to point out.

I think another page or two would help flesh this out. It's a decent idea, it just needs a little more intrigue or mystery, or it needs to set up the ending better. Overall not a bad effort though, and I do love sci-fi stories so thanks for that.


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SAC
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Nice idea you had here, and decent execution, visuals, so forth. Thought the dialogue was good and the action as well. When he dies at the end I was waiting for him to come back to the afterlife, but you left it bleak, as if we were watching and not from Will's POV. I thought that was a bit of a cheat because it left us thinking Will's death is final when it's not. So it ends on a bad note, and that didn't leave a good taste in my mouth. That was your choice, though, and I get it.

Overall, not bad at all. Just didn't end the way I'd thought.

Steve


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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hello,

p1 and 2 – dialogue is massively overwritten. You made the point that they know what they're doing, so no reason to throw such mass of tech jargon at us. Just give it some balance and cut 2-3 dialogue blocks - IMO.

From p3 the story improves tremendously.

First I thought, I'll say that I wouldn't change/rethink any of it. One little thing you could work on though, is, when the pilot explains a bit too much: you dead, you not dead but soon dead. Don't get me wrong, even this part isn't bad, and works as is, but I got the feel you can bring this specific story beat across a little different, with maybe fewer words from his mouth. But, I think you know what I'm talking about…

Very good work and I love that you decided to leave us with a little room for interpretation. Because that's life and fits the topic you tackled…  Great



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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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First off the words "moments later" written a few times in the script, isn't needed. Technically, the action happens as it unfolds. Some of the dialog seemed to be more technobabble, but tolerable.

Were Dean and Will always dead? When we first see their ship, The Celeste, the description is "The craft looks worse for wear. Most markings are illegible and appear as ancient runes" Given the ending, there's at least one person still aboard (Dispatch- would have preferred someone with an actual name other than designation)   Oddly, once Will and Dean find Stan (and,presumably, other crew members from a previous mission) nobody contacts Celeste Dispatch. There's no indication that even in the crash, communications are out. They didn't even try. Also, would the Celeste send other people down the planet?  

So...why is the ship looking that ragged when we see it? It passed...through The Astral Plane.
  Sadly, it's no time loop, and I guess with no warning, no SOS, then the Celeste will send down a couple more red shirts...

Not a bad entry for the OWC though.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 7:48am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Not really sure what to say here - It's not for me, is probably the polite response.

I have no connection with any of it. The only interesting question put to us "why can you see us whilst you're alive" was brushed aside and not explored - then he died, the end.

Writing-wise, not terrible but definite scope for improvement.

Well done on entering


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Spqr
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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Very good story and solid execution. Reminded me a little of Ray Bradbury’s ”Mars is Heaven!”.

One thing is confusing: Shaw has been dead for awhile, yet he remains around long enough to tell Will everyone he sees is dead, and soon he will be dead too. Yet once Will dies, he doesn’t hang around this astral plane like Shaw did.
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