I found this strange. The intro was okay and then the shuttle suddenly crashes out of no-where. One guy gets thrown out in a mangled mess, the other guy is perfectly fine and then they start to see ghosts because they are dead, or because they are alive but on meds? The ‘meds’ are way too much like a Macgyver tool and the dialogue towards the end is very expositional.

There’s a great idea here about an astral plane on an alien planet that can be accessed by the living somehow, the execution just needs a lot of work in my opinion.

-Mark

A bit mixed on this one. The writing is clear and clean - not gonna complain here. I think we spend a little too much time on them yelling out technical terms in the beginning. I think I would have preferred, if some of that space had been used for character development.

I really dig the idea behind the ending and, for the most part, its execution. I just think that Will stays a little too calm and matter-of-factly in that situation. Also, I think the bit were the "ghosts" disappear around Will when he dies, could be cleared up a little: it is stated that Will would see them when he's dead, but in his final moments he sees them disappear... Maybe you could make it clear, that they only disappear because we leave Will's perspective as he dies. We wouldn't see them, but Will still would - at least I think that's what you were going for.

Hi writer,

I had a hard time imagining what transpired here. I get the sense that they’re on some type of utopian orb of afterlife bliss, but only when your dead. However, to envision the heavenly scene then have it dissipate and disappear before your eyes tells me one thing; it’s Elysium for some, and hell for others? Hopefully that's on cue.

Astral Planes are the shit, apparently there’s many layers to be travelled on one’s sojourn to becoming a deified creature: Lunar Astral, which can last about 400 to 800 years in one ethereal structure, and Solar Astral, which can last from 4000 to 8000 years in the same ethereal form, which is actually corporeal when your dead… I guess.

That’s going to be about a minimum 400-year life for Will on this desolate planet, bugger. Hopefully there’s another market on the edge of the wasteland, even if it’s rife with one legged freaks, at least he’ll have someone to vent his frustration to.

Clever theme that needs a lot more pages to flesh out a complete idea, primarily a backstory that could explain (or hypothesize) why Dean went one way while Will went the other.

Best of luck.

The writing is OK, it just drags unnecessarily in places. Like:

The shuttle begins to shake and the blackness of space in the view ports begin to glow cherry red.

'Begins and starts' are often unnecessary. Which makes this action line overwritten and passive.

The shuttle shakes and the blackness of space in the view ports glows cherry red.

It's still a slightly strange sentence but at least it is active now and I know what you're going for.

That's it? I was hoping for way more from the build-up. So they're just dead and their consciousness lives on in a bullshit world. It's really weak. And I read seven pages to get there. Most of this story is taken up with technical details that I do appreciate, however, the story needs to match. This isn't even an actual story. It's two-act. A beginning and an end.


Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  2
Characters (1-5) – 3
Dialogue (1-5) – 3
Writing (1-5) – 3.5
Overall (1-10) – 5.75