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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2020 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Noni Brown - OWC Moderators: ReneC, Administrator
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  Author    Noni Brown - OWC  (currently 1811 views)
Don
Posted: January 24th, 2020, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Noni Brown by Anonymous 5 - Short, Drama - A man. A woman. Some sex and a snowstorm. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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khamanna
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 6:59am Report to Moderator
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I was in it at the beginning. Then it appeared long winded and I started doubting it has a premise. Right now I’m not sure if it’s a complete story and more importantly I don’t know what you wanted to accomplish with it. Like I don’t know where you going with it at all.
Because of that I don’t think any of the criteria you used is pertinent here. Like factor out the snow or beach and all that would happen you’d be a few lines of dialog short.
And I’m not sure what the beach is there for either.
Looks like a friendly smirk at the satisfying the criteria - I could appreciate that.

This entry was a smooth read though. Nice writing
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AndyJ
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't like this, didn't get it. It just felt like you wanted to enter and may have taken an already written script and just threw the three criteria in there.


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Zack
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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The writing is good, for the most part. Reads fast. But it really starts to fall apart towards the end. Dialog is solid, but nothing really stands out

Please give the main character a name. White Boy is just awful.

Snow shovel seems shoehorned in.

Hmm. This one lost me. Just a bunch of randomness, nothing particularly funny at all. Sorry, but this one just doesn't work at all for me.



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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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I had the same issues most everyone else voiced.  Something about the first page just screamed "skim this!" to me.  It was really hard to dig into the details here. Also, sorry to say this, but it just did not draw me in.

Let me finish with the positives, no problems with your writing.-A


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not entirely sure where this was supposed to be going or why, hoping the writer can explain after the reveal.

As it stands I think a bored guy who should have a name, hires a prostitute to degrade him in some way, though we never find out what the degradation is... they eventually develop some unlikely bond and then he decides he'd rather try his luck with some sunbathers?

If I've missed some deeper meaning then I apologize in advance, but as it stands this didn't work for me.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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stevemiles
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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Nothing like a last minute logline…

‘…thought I was going to have to hit you with that shovel’ - thought the whole shovel angle was building to something.  But it didn’t.  Or did it?

I read this twice and I just don’t get it.  Boy meets (‘hires') girl, spends some time together—a little foreshadowing of a snow shovel.  Boy dreams about a witch doctor—something happens…or did it?

How would we know he’s a witch doctor?  Because you told us in the action?  Or because we saw a man with a skull and a rattlesnake around his neck?

It’s called Noni Brown but the story seems more centred around White Boy.  What was Noni Brown’s role in all this--she seemed somewhat inconsequential?  White Boy has ‘got this’ because he’s wealthy?  Well hung?  Or in cahoots with a Hawaiian witch doctor?  Criteria felt spurious at best.

Genuinely interested to see what I’m missing here.  That said, I do respect a pithy writing style, kudos for that.  Fast read and keeps the emphasis on the dialogue and plot.  Just not sure the plot was brought into focus to tie this into a satisfying whole.

Good luck.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Bayne
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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I appreciate the fast pacing and minimalist writing style, but other than that, I'm afraid I don't understand the story. I'm trying to make sense of the ending as I write this, but can't wrap my head around it. If that's your desired effect, then you have succeeded. It could work as an experiential short film. But from a story structure and character standpoint, it feels incomplete.
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irish eyes
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Wow the logline drew me right in

The story if there was one was not exactly riveting. A boy gets prostitute on internet has sex eventually and something with a Witch doctor at the end???  

A little lazy on the "White Boy" lack of name.

Good job on entering


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eldave1
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't understand the story - I tried - but it escapes me.

Not sure it meets the criteria - closer to not than does.

Sorry - this just didn't land in any fashion for me.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Heretic
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

- The talking out loud doesn't do much for me. The actor can express these ideas without dialogue. I'd leave it out. "Probably won't respond" "Hmm..." -- we can understand these things non-verbally.

Thoughts:

- Clean, quick, and incomprehensible. Reads like an arthouse Risky Business with some emphasis on race for some reason.
- A better sense of our protag's flaws/issues would go a long way in helping this one.

Chris
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

The witch doctor image was fine, made it abstract. More of it.

Then, all in all, it's the good old tale of the mighty Naughty Boy, isn't it?

…which is fine on its own :-)

That said, I completely saw this in the comedy realm and no way in the drama section as noted.

The formatting pulled this significantly down (wrong use of insert etc etc), especially allergic to no page numbers. Easy fix, just study that stuff.

I generally think I like your direction. Probably it would have worked much better with taking even more risks in the crazy field, and play the comedy and especially goofiness harder. I still like it.



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Dan_P
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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Must say that I didn't really get the ending, not sure what to make of it. Also, the requirements don't really play a role within the story... The sparse writing style works at times, but overall it was a bit too sparse for my taste. Maybe just not for me. But I do wonder, if there's more to this than what I saw in it...
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 6:43am Report to Moderator
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I’m guessing here but I think White Boy has made a deal with some witch doctor to make him irresistible to women and he tries it out on a prostitute, she falls for him so then he’s widening his field. I think!

I could be completely wrong, this is all over the place and not for me. I don’t think it even fits the criteria  as the shovel was thrown in out of left field and has no bearing on the story but writing wise it was easy enough to read.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Spqr
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Guess I’m too dense to figure out what the point of this story is. There is such a thing as being too subtle.
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