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That shovel was wedged in here, I tell ya! I enjoyed this a lot actually. Had a good time. I mean, by the end I didn't know exactly what was going on, but still I enjoyed it. Good job and good writing!
You write very matter-of-factly - no emotion or feeling. No detail to draw us in at all. Like reading a shopping list.
an entire scene with no description at all? poor form
Quoted Text
INSERT � NONI BROWN
Why are we inserting on a character? can we not just establish she is there and have her talk? very strange way of going about things
Wtf? no idea what this about, no connection with anything - This is the coldest and emotionless script I've ever read - very odd.
Well done for entering
EDIT: Just read the other comments and some saying the writing was alright - I'm genuinely shocked - writing is not good at all. But hey, what do I know.
Some formatting could have been done differently, though I don't mind personally I know many people are REALLY set in their ways about it. Also, what? Really confusing in the end, makes it seem like all of the previous dialogue and action were for nothing. It doesn't lead up to this dream sequence. I guess he gained confidence from Noni Brown but what was that 'degrade' line in the email about then? Structure wise, a lot is lacking and that makes the ending feel undeserved. This might also have to do with the fact that the protagonist doesn't have a name. And yeah, the criteria were kind of thrown in and did not add anything to the story.
However, it is a valid attempt at writing and a decent depiction of, what boils down to, a prostitute.
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Noni Brown - OWC
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