Eden Five by Henry Hallam - Short, Sci Fi - Shot down while fleeing Earth, the two-person crew of the Eden Five struggles to escape their mysterious attacker. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Oh, many, many S's here.

I'm not impressed by action in general, but I came to appreciate the spaceship in your story falling from space through the thermosphere, troposphere - that looks inventive. At first I wanted to write that this long fall is dragging, slowing the story down, but it kind of reminds of a scene in Tom Clancy's novel, where he describes the three milliseconds (or nanoseconds or smth) of a dirty bomb explosion for something like three-four pages. So, instead of dragging the story down, I find there's some flavor in that spaceship fall.

The story is about a clash between animal (nature), human (culture) and artificial beings. Each of these is hostile to the other two. Also, biological life against artificial life (we don't know for sure who created the latter, humans or someone else). And then there's the plant life, to which all three of them bow (though I think this view is dangerous politically these days, as it leads to urges to protect nature at the expense of humans, the only known beings in the universe, unique in this regard, having conscience, with other animals being mostly driven by their instincts, i.e., programmed nature).

The fact that this seed (i.e., life) can grow in a desert (generally a place of limited life, decreased liveness, even death, in some sense) is significant. And it grows into a kind of a world tree, mesmerizing (for some reason) the artificial folks and wolves. Such a tree signifies much to biological life - they are dependent upon it, it gives shelter (via its shadow and branches), it provides food (fruit), it can be used to craft some things. What's not clear to me is why the artificial folks are mesmerized by it. They aren't dependent upon it, are they? Perhaps they simply appreciate its beauty? But if they can appreciate beauty in general, wouldn't they have acted differently (for death is ugly and all we see them do is kill and mutilate)? But perhaps they do seem to understand beauty, because 86 recites a line from that poem. And the enforcers are ugly guys themselves. So maybe this signifies their meeting with beauty, something new to them that will change them. Lots of questions here, something to discuss or maybe improve.

The dialogue is not on the nose, which is good. But sometimes too confusing for me, but maybe it's just me. I wouldn't count that as a drawback.

As to the characters, the pilot shows concern for their cause, but Ward shows concern, and even love, also for the Pilot. So there's some depth here. Ward also demonstrates she's a person of culture, i.e., an actual human.

Overall, a good story, I guess it's beyond my level, as I can't say what can be improved here. And with all those S's quite organically interwoven in the story, I figure this writer is quite skillful.

I think this at least the third spaceship one I've read (maybe 4) and they are all sharing a common problem out of the gate. The world building is a bit weak. I don't know what your space ship looks like - whether it's Apollo 11 or the Enterprise. I can imagine - but I think it's the writer's job to tell me. Not picking on you - this seems to be true in all of the spaceship ones - so maybe it's me.

Moving on...

Okay - I'm on page 5 and leaving for now - I'm just confused. Nothing is clear to me.  - let me come back to this one later..

Holy crepe, I like the pacing, it moves fast, a lot happening, which I like, but it's not my favorite genre, but I would read more if it were a feature, so success there.  Bit I think the fast pace makes clarity suffer here and there.

Several things caught my eye ( no pun intended ).

It was difficult at times to figure out what was going on and what exactly I was supposed to be looking at.  For example,  You cap your characters on first intro, but as I read on you capped them again.  Ward and Eighty-Six.  At one point I thought was there another Eighty-Six.  Oh wait, same one.

Seems like a real story with its own inspirations, not a simple genre imitation.  Not sure I totally got the ending. The one caveat I’ll give, like I said, is that this is not my favorite genre.

NONETHELESS, I liked it.-A

First scene and I'm really struggling to get a handle on the geography of what is happening, the words " the cabin fall
apart between them" makes me think the ship has split in two... but I don't think it has?

No, it rips apart a few lines later but still not entirely as Pilot can still walk across it? I'm struggling to see this I'm afraid.

I prefer the chase through the desert, well paced action sequence.

I think everyone having a number makes this more confusing than it needs to be, consider a different way?

I think you managed to get every criteria in this, but I'm not sure that has helped, as it just feels there's narrative choices that don't work and things shoehorned in.

All in all it'sokay, just feels muddled.

Love the high energy, chaotic nature of the first scene. The pacing is quick, and the descriptions baffling... but I think it actually adds to the mayhem. As a fan of sci-fi, I was able to fill in enough imagery gaps to get through it. Not an issue for me, but could be problematic for other readers.

Once on earth, the story feels more smoothed out and easier to follow. Very impressive! I actually want to see more of universe you created.

Hello writer! Sci-fi, now that's my genre

A storm, in space? What kind of storm are we talking about here?

"Down" "Drops from the sky" - We are in space, there is no down or sky.

Either you don't know yourself what this ship is like, or you just failed to tell us - For a while, I thought it was like a fighter jet style cockpit, but they are walking around.
The writing is sharp and lean, maybe a bit too lean to begin with - A little sense of where we are would be nice
I feel like I have just jumped on this rollercoaster and it's immediately plunged me down the biggest drop without the anticipation of rising up to it first - I don't know if that's a bad thing or not, it's certainly an interesting opening (if not a bit muddling). More I think about it, the more I like it...

Will there be bones of the snake if it's been blasted into oblivion? - neither here nor there, I just found it amusing

This is ambitious, unique, interesting, and very very Sci-fi - I really enjoyed it.

I feel this is way too big for a short - don't get me wrong it's a good short, I get a great feel for the universe and what is going on - But I want more, a whole lot more (that's a subtle nudge for you to turn this into a feature   )

A tad more description in the beginning - Maybe a bit more purpose from them as well, the planting of the seed feels a bit out of nowhere (if it was important, why didn't she plant it where they landed?) - If we knew their goal from the beginning it would help us on our journey. unless I missed the obvious, which is highly likely...

Anyway, great job.

Best of luck


EDIT: No bonus points for putting it a lot more criteria than you needed

Hi writer,

Sci-fi for sure, but also somewhat dramatic, like a sci-fi-dram, or sci-fatic, or whatever works for you. I was reminded of several similar themes weaving its way through this tale, from previous movies I’ve seen that is, but only snippets to be truthful; so, it was imaginative, original, yet somewhat familiar if that makes any sense.

Ward, being wounded, and in dire need to plant the seed pod, appeared to have an ulterior motive as well. Was she required to reach a destination? A rendezvous of sorts? Not sure why she would risk losing the pod to an Enforcer, or death by running across a vast desert. Why not just plant the pod after impact? Perhaps she was looking for more fertile ground, but the pod seems to be resplendent with its own anima/animus or whatever is required to ensure it propagates within whatever environment it finds. Then again, if she did that there would have been no chase scenes, and those are always full of drama.

Fast paced with some groovy sci-fi elements thrown in made this an easy read.

Hey,

there's too much directing for me here, like: "Pilot watches the ENFORCER grow in size -- below, Ward shrinks against the horizon."

Many is written as the above, also too many adjectives and capitalization which doesn't make for a smooth read and permanently hurt the flow of a moving picture.

I enjoyed the dialogues though. Ironically, they are presented in the exact opposite way, short and precise, FAST, masterful.

The story's evolving from 5, but still, the presentation doesn't work for me. If there's an emotional journey and a story with depth about legacy and saving last resources, imo, you shouldn't litter the text with dashes and caps and emphasize everything everywhere. Story behind, not bad. Dialogue very good. Well, if I think about it, characters were good too and quite inventive. The delivery was bad I have to say and felt as we have a distance between us.

So for me, this was not an easy read. I had a hard time picturing what was going on. You were more "telling" us what was happening rather than "showing" us. I think with sci-fi and fantasy "showing" is especially important because you're creating a new world and we need to really be able to see it.

So because I had a hard time seeing it and due to the fast pace, I struggled to dig out the actual story. After a slow second read I think I finally got it though.  You had some very cool elements in here, but I'm thinking this story is way too big for just 10 pages.

Best of luck.

This is weird - this is at least the 3rd, possibly 4th script that looks the same, has the same issues, and I know from just a few passages, what it's going to read like, and that, my friend, is a tough slog of a read.  Let's see...

Yeah, it's a tough read and that's all because of the writing on display.  It's just too much...too much of all the little "cool things" you think you're including.  Problem is that they're not so cool, or as RUSH sings, "It's tough be so cool".

If this is the Eden Five, why do the Slugs keep saying "Damaged Starship" (and star ship isn't 1 word)?

2 full pages to show the crash landing is just too much for a short, and for me, the writing isn't helping at all.  Sadly, I'm out.

There’s a fantastical imagination at play here that has created an entire sci-fi universe. This feels like it is part of a novel or long TV series. Unfortunately, you try to get all this across in a short which is difficult to do and at times I was lost.

The ship falling at the beginning didn’t work for me. I didn’t know who these characters were or what was going on and I didn’t care. Once they crashed and the alien started stalking them Terminator-style my interest was perked. I particularly liked your metaphors with man viruses machine and nature but I wasn’t keen on you using futuristic as a way of describing things like futuristic flare. What does a futuristic flare look like?

Towards the end, I became lost as I had no idea what was going on with the giant plant thing, the wolf and the Enforcers with the weird faces hanging around.

-Mark

Good story idea but needs work.

Page 1: Ward’s armoured seat comes unmoored. How could this happen without something external penetrating “the one-room interior of the ship”? Which would have bled all the air out of the cabin.

Page 1: PILOT: “We’re blind in the storm.” They’re still in space so how could there be a storm?

Page 2: a bit of fussy semantics here: The ship is plunging “Toward EARTH, mere miles below.” The thermosphere extends from 621/311 miles above Earth, down to 56/53 miles above it. This seems like more than “mere” miles. Not important.

Page 2: While the ship is plunging towards Earth, the Pilot jumps out of his seat and straps Ward into his seat, then straps himself into her seat, which has come unmoored. The G-force would pin him to his seat, making it impossible to do the above. Plus the unmoored seat is flying around loose, threatening to take the heads off the people trapped in the cabin.

Page 2: “SNOW whipping past the ship, now curled --” What’s curled? The ship? Or did autocorrect screw up?

In the next line: “The ship is ROTATING through it’s free-fall, fast but slowing.” The only way the ship could slow down is if its engines were firing against the direction of its fall.

Page 2: “Behind her, Pilot shoves his detached seat sideways and braces his legs against the bulkhead.” His legs would probably be pulverized.

Pretty good from here on.

On Page 8, after Eighty-six shoots Ward, she collapses onto the plant and crushes it. If it’s crushed, it’s dead, right. Yet that’s obviously not the case. So maybe her body just covered it up and the machine only thinks it was crushed.

The tableau of the battered Enforcers just staring at the giant plant is mysteriously cool.

Another very intriguing one! I enjoyed the writing quite a lot, except for the very beginning - I had a hard time picturing the action, as you kept it all rather sparse. Other than that, once I had found my footing, your style drew me in and kept me interested. I'm not entirely sure about what's going on during the ending, though. It all feels way bigger and complex than what you've shown us. I did like it and this was very interesting, but I feel as if it would have been even more interesting to see the big picture - it sure feels like there is one.

Writer,

This was a strange one for me. The writing looked good on the paper, but ultimately the story and the writing just kind of happened and it left me confused as to what was the point. Unlike others, I'm not going to go back a second time and read slowly. That's not the purpose of a script. If I can't get what's going happening and why upon first read, then either it's me, or the script just isn't working. So, maybe it is me, because his just didn't work. Anyway, that said, the writing was descriptive but whatever this was about was just above me. Good effort.

Steve