Feels like there’s something missing form the logline.  Such as why they’re going there i.e. a motive/goal.

Maybe show them homing in on Edvard or his last know position otherwise it feels too convenient they should land right there.

Granted there’s a time constraint but this feels too rushed with the logic suffering as a result.  Set-up felt unfocused—I thought they were on some intergalactic bender what with the injections and stargazing and missed your intent as a result.

I couldn’t tell what had transpired between the injection/bean bag scene and the arrival at the planet.  Was there a big time jump?  Were they setting themselves up for stasis in the opener?

I understood that they’re here to retrieve a fuel source of some kind—a last hope for humanity.  All good.  But it's almost suggested that Chrome betrays them - if so then I couldn't understand why.

Or was he just picking up where they left off—which begs the question of why do the humans risk their lives for—what is shown as— such a simple task?  It’s not suggested that Chrome can’t do it—he’s shown as taking over when they fail.

Some interesting visuals and ideas at play here—the creativity is never in doubt.  But without supporting logic I’m left with questions rather than a satisfying payoff.  There’s an idea in here but there needs to be more focus on the world-building.

Good luck.

Well you had my interest but then it kinda just ended with not much explanation of anything.

Well written but for me it felt like there was just too much missing.

Out of curiosity I read some of the comments to see if I missed something. Someone suggested they knew they were gonna die? I didn't get that. I though someone screwed them over...like the robot who maybe wasn't a robot, which is what I kinda thought when you described his face at the end. So yeah, I was confused.

Very creative and solidly written. Story left me a little dry, though. This seems like a small part of a bigger story to me.

Code The robot, plugged in to several cables from its arms to the console.

The above is an unfinished sentence. Not even Grammarly understands it. There should be a comma where the full stop is and then the sentence ends with whatever it is the robot is doing.

Code a EXAM TABLE.

  

This should read, 'an'.

Alren – You intro'd this character as Arlen.

Code The ship landed an an awkward angle, but it isn’t crashed and there’s no damage.

  

A terrible sentence. Not just because of the double 'an' but... it isn't crashed? Marks for writing are really dropping for this one.

Code It appears stranded all the same.

The missing comma makes the sentence awkward.

Code Bryanna, beaded in sweat.

Another incomplete sentence. This is just lazy writing.

Code Arlen’s left arm.

Back to Arlen. Is it Arlen or Alren?

fireman carries – missing hyphen.

Code ALREN When the ship returns, we’ll be heroes. The load we get from this planet will be used for Renewable fuels for the next century.

OTN dialogue.

Why did they go out there if Chrome can do it all? Wouldn't they just sit inside the ship and allow Chrome to do all the hard work?

Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  3
Characters (1-5) – 3
Dialogue (1-5) – 2
Writing (1-5) – 1
Overall (1-10) – 4.5

Questions! Questions!
Here's some answers.

Sirius is the brightest star in the night sky. Its name is derived from the Greek word Seirios "glowing" or "scorching" That's where I got the name from although after I submitted, I thought the name of the ship "AMBROSIUS" Ambrosius is a Latin adjective derived from the Ancient Greek word , ambrosios "divine, immortal") To be fair, I found that ship name off a random name generator and then looked up the meaning.

Why would someone inject shrimp cocktail into their wrist? . "Roasted"  Vegetable Lasagna? Some folks thought it was sharing a last meal together.Maybe it is some advanced form of space food. ..but...after the injections, they get high  Although "trip" could mean the journey,it also has double meaning. I made it perfectly clear:

Quoted Text Alren checks a syringe filled with a green liquid. He injects it into Bryanna's wrist. She lets out a deep sigh of relief, as if she just had an orgasm. Her response excites Alren more. She relaxes. BRYANNA Long trip.

Quoted Text Alren pumps it in. A panel behind him opens up. A plush white bean bag chair on a steel slab emerges. Alren's legs buckle, he sulks. It nearly swallows him whole.

I guess it should have been baked.

"There is no song"
Casing far ahead, I chose something public domain so I can...skip out on royalties!
Yeah, sorry peeps,but The Battle Hymn of the Republic (a verse sung by Bryanna)is indeed, a song.

Did Chrome murder them to steal the haul? Was Chrome a human hiding inside?

No to both. The idea is that Chrome was bulkier to begin with and by the time it goes out to get the ton of minerals/sand, it "becomes more fluid" when it gets back to the ship, his faceless appearance has become more "human looking" after he cools.  This was due to his armor "slightly melting".  Also, Diana and Alren confirm Chrome was not malfunctioning.  It was meant to be ambiguous is Chrome was malevolent and indifferent OR Chrome knew the likelihood of the couple's chances for survival and wanted to be sure they were okay for the mission.  While Chrome didn't give an oxygen level readout when Alren was dehydrated on the ship, it was simply hesitation. I wanted it be left open for interpretation visually. I might add something to"the face" in a revision though, a 'sad' face. Maybe.

Setting up the container and hose is a two person operation. I made that clear. If Chrome did it alone it would take longer and he would become more damaged. Expendable? Maybe. But maybe two people couldn't carry a little over a ton of sand and/or minerals. In overwhelming humidity and heat. Chrome can alsofly the shipin rough spots, and records the logs.

"The load we get from this planet will be used for Renewable fuels for the next century"
This is not information they are sharing with each other and what they already know.  Chrome is acting as a documentarian. They are sending messages and logs to those back home. That said,  a valid point was made because it was a bit clunky, and a better message would be more personal to their families. They are also reassuring themselves why they are doing on the mission.

The logline
I tend to write the logline after I write the script.I was stumped on what to write and how to write it. I tend to just get to the gist of it as simple in a nutshell as can be. But writing any logline one does nothave to go in too many specifics. Loglines don't have to(or shouldn't have to)give away specific details.

Screw  Grammarly.

There's nothing wrong with sentence fragments in scripts. Nothing. It isn't "lazy". It is an acceptable norm. It's nearly a requirement.  I was a bit shocked when I read the comment, and I was very tempted to blow cover early to address it.  

Anyhow, thanks to all who read the script.
-DjS

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley Questions! Questions! Here's some answers. Screw  Grammarly. There's nothing wrong with sentence fragments in scripts. Nothing. It isn't "lazy". It is an acceptable norm. It's nearly a requirement.  I was a bit shocked when I read the comment, and I was very tempted to blow cover early to address it.

I'm with Dustin on this...100%.

Sure, Pros write in fragments all the time, so that makes it "OK".  But does it make sense...is it "better" that way?  Does it help the read?

No, no, and no.

Quoted Text There's nothing wrong with sentence fragments in scripts. Nothing. It isn't "lazy". It is an acceptable norm. It's nearly a requirement.  I was a bit shocked when I read the comment, and I was very tempted to blow cover early to address it.

I hear ya,

We love them, too. Fragments mix things up, in a good way. Alternating sentence structure allows you to control the pace, rhthym, and tone of the information processing in the reader's mind.

Sorry, as you were. -Andrea

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley Questions! Questions! Here's some answers. Screw  Grammarly. There's nothing wrong with sentence fragments in scripts. Nothing. It isn't "lazy". It is an acceptable norm. It's nearly a requirement.  I was a bit shocked when I read the comment, and I was very tempted to blow cover early to address it.   Anyhow, thanks to all who read the script. -DjS

Just my opinion - I have no problem with fragments - clarity and readability trumps all.  

Quoted from eldave1 Just my opinion - I have no problem with fragments - clarity and readability trumps all.

Sooo...how did this one read and how was the clarity?  I didn't read it.  How did it do?

Quoted from Dreamscale Sooo...how did this one read and how was the clarity?  I didn't read it.  How did it do?

That is irrelevant to the point. It could have had zero fragments and been unclear and a dozen fragments and been clear.

Like everything else, if you're going to write incomplete sentences then they need to add to the flow of the narrative in some way. Usually, when we want to add urgency. The way it is done here:

Code The robot, plugged in to several cables from its arms to the console.

It doesn't add urgency, it's just a structural mess. Do you really plug things into cables, or do you plug cables into something? The robot is plugged into cables?

Anyway, turning this into an argument about fragmented sentences rather than taking this sentence alone within context is bullshit. I didn't say fragmented sentences are wrong.

Using fragments will usually lead to a very weak, non visual reaction from readers.

Why?

Because there's usually no verb...no action...just a static line of something doing nothing.

No need to argue, just listen to The Master and you'll all be fine.