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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2020 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Ambrosius  (was The Seirios Mission) - OWC Moderators: ReneC, Administrator
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  Author    Ambrosius  (was The Seirios Mission) - OWC  (currently 1330 views)
Don
Posted: January 24th, 2020, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ambrosius (was The Seirios Mission) by written by Darren Seeley (DarrenJamesSeeley)  - Short, Sci Fi - A space travelling couple and their robot travel to a remote planet of sand where the long term rewards outweigh the risks - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 18th, 2020, 3:09pm
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ReneC
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that was bleak. Spoilers ahead.

Interesting use of syringes, well done. That it turned out to be a last supper was a gut-punch. Chrome's indifference works perfectly for the ending, which I should have seen coming but didn't. The foreshadowing was there, it was just subtle. It's rewarding, forcing us to re-evaluate what transpired.

The writing is decent but a little clunky. I would have liked a little more character out of this, to make us feel for them at the end. Making the sacrifice to give their kids a good life goes a long way, it just would have been good to know something more about these two.

For two people who know they're going to die, they're really focused on the job. No hesitation, no death row final pleasures, nothing. Maybe they've come to terms with it already but it did make me wonder.

I could see this getting made. It would be a good short film. Well done.


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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Overall -- not too shabby. Flows pretty well. Just a few comments.

Bleak, won't deny that, I found the ending all matter-of-factly.  

Wanted a bit more insight into your characters.

Ghost


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Dan_P
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one - interesting, bleak, and creative use of the criteria.

There are a number of typos that stopped me at times, otherwise the writing is good imo. Also, there's that needless empty page tacked on at the end.

I think Chrome could be introduced more clearly: At first you simply call him "a robot", then mention his chrome exterior (without making clear it's also his name) and later you call him "Chrome Robot", before ultimately sticking with "Chrome". Not too confusing, but I found it unnecessary

I wish the human characters (or even Diana) had something more to them, though, since they don't really get a lot of background or personality. I REALLY liked Chrome, though. He is interesting and even kinda scary without saying a thing.

Simple and effective ending. I enjoyed it.

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Dan_P  -  January 26th, 2020, 9:26am
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AndyJ
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 8:54am Report to Moderator
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It was OK, not really my thing. If there are marks for using the criteria you would win hands down, I think you used them all. You did know you only had to use three?

A few spelling and Grammar errors and you also say they find a skeleton then it's a body.

I didn't get why Chrome didn't respond or help them, maybe that's just me having a blonde moment.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, well written enough though there's a few typos here and there... nothing that another pass won't fix.

And I loved the idea of a shower that has a snow setting, great idea.

But I got lost towards the end... do they know they aren't going home or is Chrome stranding them?

Either way I'm not sure I understand the motivation for either of those narrative choices?

Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
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Bayne
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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I really like your visuals (Chrome's design, the meal syringes, the simulated snow shower, etc.). The world building aspects are on point.

I recommend conveying the purpose of their mission through less expositional dialogue. Alren sums up their mission in a very obvious fashion ("The load we get from this planet will be used for Renewable fuels for the next century"). Subtlety would be beneficial here. I also recommend creating more suspense as Alren and  Bryanna try to collect materials before burning alive. It feels like they go outside, find Edvard's remains, then collapse. I want to be on the edge of my seat... wondering if they will make it back to the ship.
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eldave1
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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I had to re-read early on to figure out who Chrome was - you could have made that clearer.

Character development was a bit weak IMO - I wanted to know just a bit more about these two so that I'm going to care what happens to them.

Criteria met.

Congrats on entering.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Fais85
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Easy read. Well imagined. Snow shower, creative use of syringes and well-described Chrome.

This would have been a great piece if both the characters have a bit of depth or background. Did they know in advance that they are going to die? Or they were unaware of their death and were hoping chrome to save them? Bit more information was needed to clear this.

Overall, well done.
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Heretic
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

- "Seirios" is an awkward sci-fi word that is too much like "serious."
- And sorry to keep picking on dumb things, but "Chrome" is a web browser and that makes it an odd related-but-not-related choice for this script.
- Adult woman fireman-carrying an adult man? Narrows the casting...
- Love the snow shower. Great image.
- Clunky exposition on 4. They're repeating info they both know.
- They immediately found the dude? Is there a reason that they found themselves in the exact place he died? Big coincidence here.
- A curiously un-dramatic way to present the first major obstacle to these characters. Chrome watches inside as they get into trouble. Is there a reason for this choice?

Thoughts:

- It's a fun story collapsing in on the big unanswered question: why? What did Chrome gain? Was this really the easiest way? Did our protags expect anything, and why did they walk into this if so? Without being able to at least guess at the answers to these questions, we don't really have stakes to relate to.
- The pulp sci-fi aspects are well done with some really fun images and ideas.

Chris
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 5:18am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

I totally thought you misspelt serious in the title lol

Why would you want lasagna injected into your wrist?


Quoted Text
ALREN
When the ship returns, we�ll be
heroes. The load we get from this
planet will be used for Renewable
fuels for the next century.

BRYANNA
Maybe more.


They are basically telling us this information, not each other (they both already know) - which is a sign of bad dialogue - you need to find a better way of getting this info across.

Alren and Bryanna didn't have much of a plan to combat the harsh environment of this planet - It didn't seem like anything went wrong (no malfunction, or becoming trapped) they just kind of stayed out there until they died... reminded of lemmings blindly walking off a cliff.
More tension in their demise is needed - and a better explanation than them just being idiots.

Chrome's motivations - what's his deal? is he working for someone? for himself? has he become sentient?
Why was he filming? I think this would have worked better if it was POV filmed footage from Chrome - he should also have killed them, to be honest - yeah he left them to die, but he should have had some hand in it.

Interesting Sci-fi but falls short - this is a good building block for something bigger and better though - just requires more thought.

Was there a storm, song or sickness?


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 5:59am Report to Moderator
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Clunky writing (especially around the stalker Chrome robot) and unnatural sounding dialogue there entirely for the audiences benefit let this one down for me as I didn’t care for the characters nor understand their motivation. A creative idea though. I particularly liked the syringes.

I was completely lost at the end. Did Chrome murder them to steal the haul? Was Chrome a human hiding inside (as you mention it develops human features) or being operated by someone remotely? It just needs to be clearer where they are, why and what the outcome is at the end. And if you can get this across without resorting to telling us with the dialogue, it will be a wonderful short.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

Some dialogue is expository

"The load we get from this planet will be used for Renewable fuels for the next century"

while some dialogue is awesome

"Keep going. We knew we were going to see this."

The ending is fine. Then the whole story felt unfocused yet. I think you already got the right vessel: astronauts searching for riches are betrayed, or say left alone for profits only, by their mission's commander and her spy robot on board…
all that with a dune planet, snow shower - all of these are great characteristics.

The script unfortunately felt imprecise yet. There's no golden thread that guides us with clarity and focus, imo. You lost yourself into too many details I fear.

Still an ambitious and imaginative performance to work with.



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Spqr
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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Another science fiction script without any science. This spaceship has two AIs: the Robot and Diana, both of which are in control of the ship. How does this work? I can see where Chrome would be used to do the actual vacuuming on the planet, but the two dumb humans put themselves in harm’s way rather than the Robot.

The humans have to inject themselves every time they want a meal? These guys should be so full of holes there’s no way their blood can stay inside them.

The spaceship and space suits have no automatic temperature control? Every time they get hot, they have to tell Diana every time to turn on the cooling?

On page 1, a “window opens above them” so they can get a view of the nebula. I at first assumed this was a computer window, but now I’m not so sure.

On page 5, Chrome cranks open the hatch, letting sand and humidity into the cargo hold. What happened to the airlock? You know, to prevent the ship losing atmosphere whenever the crew goes outside?

The only redeeming feature in the story is when they let the dumb humans die. Instead of the silly story this is now, it could’ve become a true parody simply by having Chrome and Diana dissolve into a screaming match at the end as they fight over who’s in charge now.
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Maurits
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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Very creative with the use of the criteria, which is always a good thing. The story is well written and makes good use of formating. However, and it might just be me, I did not feel for the characters as much as I did in other scripts. Again, this also has some to do with interest but it is one of the most important things in a script. Getting readers to be interested in the characters.
Other than that it is a very good script.
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stevemiles
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Feels like there’s something missing form the logline.  Such as why they’re going there i.e. a motive/goal.

Maybe show them homing in on Edvard or his last know position otherwise it feels too convenient they should land right there.

Granted there’s a time constraint but this feels too rushed with the logic suffering as a result.  Set-up felt unfocused—I thought they were on some intergalactic bender what with the injections and stargazing and missed your intent as a result.

I couldn’t tell what had transpired between the injection/bean bag scene and the arrival at the planet.  Was there a big time jump?  Were they setting themselves up for stasis in the opener?

I understood that they’re here to retrieve a fuel source of some kind—a last hope for humanity.  All good.  But it's almost suggested that Chrome betrays them - if so then I couldn't understand why.

Or was he just picking up where they left off—which begs the question of why do the humans risk their lives for—what is shown as— such a simple task?  It’s not suggested that Chrome can’t do it—he’s shown as taking over when they fail.

Some interesting visuals and ideas at play here—the creativity is never in doubt.  But without supporting logic I’m left with questions rather than a satisfying payoff.  There’s an idea in here but there needs to be more focus on the world-building.

Good luck.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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mmmarnie
Posted: January 31st, 2020, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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Well you had my interest but then it kinda just ended with not much explanation of anything.

Well written but for me it felt like there was just too much missing.

Out of curiosity I read some of the comments to see if I missed something. Someone suggested they knew they were gonna die? I didn't get that. I though someone screwed them over...like the robot who maybe wasn't a robot, which is what I kinda thought when you described his face at the end. So yeah, I was confused.


boop
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Zack
Posted: January 31st, 2020, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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Very creative and solidly written. Story left me a little dry, though. This seems like a small part of a bigger story to me.





Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  February 1st, 2020, 8:47am
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DustinBowcot
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 5:16am Report to Moderator
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Code

 The robot, plugged in to several cables from its arms to the console.



The above is an unfinished sentence. Not even Grammarly understands it. There should be a comma where the full stop is and then the sentence ends with whatever it is the robot is doing.

Code

a EXAM TABLE.

  

This should read, 'an'.

Alren – You intro'd this character as Arlen.

Code

The ship landed an an awkward angle, but it isn’t crashed and there’s no damage.

  

A terrible sentence. Not just because of the double 'an' but... it isn't crashed? Marks for writing are really dropping for this one.

Code

It appears stranded all the same. 



The missing comma makes the sentence awkward.

Code

Bryanna, beaded in sweat.



Another incomplete sentence. This is just lazy writing.

Code

Arlen’s left arm. 



Back to Arlen. Is it Arlen or Alren?

fireman carries – missing hyphen.

Code

ALREN 
When the ship returns, we’ll be heroes. 
The load we get from this planet will be 
used for Renewable fuels for the next 
century. 



OTN dialogue.

Why did they go out there if Chrome can do it all? Wouldn't they just sit inside the ship and allow Chrome to do all the hard work?

Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  3
Characters (1-5) – 3
Dialogue (1-5) – 2
Writing (1-5) – 1
Overall (1-10) – 4.5
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: February 3rd, 2020, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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Questions! Questions!
Here's some answers.

Sirius is the brightest star in the night sky. Its name is derived from the Greek word Seirios "glowing" or "scorching" That's where I got the name from although after I submitted, I thought the name of the ship "AMBROSIUS" Ambrosius is a Latin adjective derived from the Ancient Greek word , ambrosios "divine, immortal") To be fair, I found that ship name off a random name generator and then looked up the meaning.

Why would someone inject shrimp cocktail into their wrist? . "Roasted"  Vegetable Lasagna? Some folks thought it was sharing a last meal together.Maybe it is some advanced form of space food. ..but...after the injections, they get high  Although "trip" could mean the journey,it also has double meaning. I made it perfectly clear:


Quoted Text
Alren checks a syringe filled with a green liquid. He
injects it into Bryanna's wrist. She lets out a deep sigh of
relief, as if she just had an orgasm. Her response excites
Alren more. She relaxes.

BRYANNA
Long trip.





Quoted Text
Alren pumps it in.
A panel behind him opens up. A plush white bean bag chair on
a steel slab emerges. Alren's legs buckle, he sulks. It
nearly swallows him whole
.


I guess it should have been baked.

"There is no song"
Casing far ahead, I chose something public domain so I can...skip out on royalties!
Yeah, sorry peeps,but The Battle Hymn of the Republic (a verse sung by Bryanna)is indeed, a song.

Did Chrome murder them to steal the haul? Was Chrome a human hiding inside?

No to both. The idea is that Chrome was bulkier to begin with and by the time it goes out to get the ton of minerals/sand, it "becomes more fluid" when it gets back to the ship, his faceless appearance has become more "human looking" after he cools.  This was due to his armor "slightly melting".  Also, Diana and Alren confirm Chrome was not malfunctioning.  It was meant to be ambiguous is Chrome was malevolent and indifferent OR Chrome knew the likelihood of the couple's chances for survival and wanted to be sure they were okay for the mission.  While Chrome didn't give an oxygen level readout when Alren was dehydrated on the ship, it was simply hesitation. I wanted it be left open for interpretation visually. I might add something to"the face" in a revision though, a 'sad' face. Maybe.

Setting up the container and hose is a two person operation. I made that clear. If Chrome did it alone it would take longer and he would become more damaged. Expendable? Maybe. But maybe two people couldn't carry a little over a ton of sand and/or minerals. In overwhelming humidity and heat. Chrome can alsofly the shipin rough spots, and records the logs.

"The load we get from this planet will be used for Renewable fuels for the next century"
This is not information they are sharing with each other and what they already know.  Chrome is acting as a documentarian. They are sending messages and logs to those back home. That said,  a valid point was made because it was a bit clunky, and a better message would be more personal to their families. They are also reassuring themselves why they are doing on the mission.

The logline
I tend to write the logline after I write the script.I was stumped on what to write and how to write it. I tend to just get to the gist of it as simple in a nutshell as can be. But writing any logline one does nothave to go in too many specifics. Loglines don't have to(or shouldn't have to)give away specific details.

Screw  Grammarly.

There's nothing wrong with sentence fragments in scripts. Nothing. It isn't "lazy". It is an acceptable norm. It's nearly a requirement.  I was a bit shocked when I read the comment, and I was very tempted to blow cover early to address it.  

Anyhow, thanks to all who read the script.
-DjS


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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
DarrenJamesSeeley  -  February 3rd, 2020, 8:16pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 3rd, 2020, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
Questions! Questions!
Here's some answers.

Screw  Grammarly.

There's nothing wrong with sentence fragments in scripts. Nothing. It isn't "lazy". It is an acceptable norm. It's nearly a requirement.  I was a bit shocked when I read the comment, and I was very tempted to blow cover early to address it.  


I'm with Dustin on this...100%.

Sure, Pros write in fragments all the time, so that makes it "OK".  But does it make sense...is it "better" that way?  Does it help the read?

No, no, and no.

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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: February 3rd, 2020, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
There's nothing wrong with sentence fragments in scripts. Nothing. It isn't "lazy". It is an acceptable norm. It's nearly a requirement.  I was a bit shocked when I read the comment, and I was very tempted to blow cover early to address it.


I hear ya,

We love them, too. Fragments mix things up, in a good way. Alternating sentence structure allows you to control the pace, rhthym, and tone of the information processing in the reader's mind.

Sorry, as you were. -Andrea


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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2020, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
Questions! Questions!
Here's some answers.

Screw  Grammarly.

There's nothing wrong with sentence fragments in scripts. Nothing. It isn't "lazy". It is an acceptable norm. It's nearly a requirement.  I was a bit shocked when I read the comment, and I was very tempted to blow cover early to address it.  

Anyhow, thanks to all who read the script.
-DjS


Just my opinion - I have no problem with fragments - clarity and readability trumps all.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 3rd, 2020, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


Just my opinion - I have no problem with fragments - clarity and readability trumps all.  


Sooo...how did this one read and how was the clarity?  I didn't read it.  How did it do?
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eldave1
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Sooo...how did this one read and how was the clarity?  I didn't read it.  How did it do?


That is irrelevant to the point. It could have had zero fragments and been unclear and a dozen fragments and been clear.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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DustinBowcot
Posted: February 4th, 2020, 2:46am Report to Moderator
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Like everything else, if you're going to write incomplete sentences then they need to add to the flow of the narrative in some way. Usually, when we want to add urgency. The way it is done here:

Code

The robot, plugged in to several cables from its arms to the console.



It doesn't add urgency, it's just a structural mess. Do you really plug things into cables, or do you plug cables into something? The robot is plugged into cables?

Anyway, turning this into an argument about fragmented sentences rather than taking this sentence alone within context is bullshit. I didn't say fragmented sentences are wrong.
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 4th, 2020, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Using fragments will usually lead to a very weak, non visual reaction from readers.

Why?

Because there's usually no verb...no action...just a static line of something doing nothing.

No need to argue, just listen to The Master and you'll all be fine.  
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