Hello writer

5 minutes underwater? I thought that sounded mad so I googled the world record... 22 minutes!! holy shit!

"rocking their world." - means something different to me

Quoted Text KINGSLEY But he did bad things to you.

First dodgy bit of dialogue in what has been pretty good so far. You don't need it, we can see he is a bad man from what follows.

"Peels of London's Bow Bells" - you mean "peals" but anyway, nice touch back to Dick Whittington story.
The call of the bow bells are what called Dick Whittington back to London - I guess there is a tenuous link there.

The switch between London and Nigeria was fine - It kept pushing the narrative forward rather than stalling it (which flashbacks can do sometimes) - so well done there.

I am somewhat perplexed though - neither Kingsley or Mom seem to care that Idris has died.
The breath thing is also odd - only 5 minutes? at what point did they start holding their breath? sure as shit wasn't on the ferry cause from there to London is a long 5 minutes. How did Kingsley know when to start holding his breath? is he really that lucky that he did it precisely 5 minutes before the crash?

Not long ago there was a refrigerated lorry with 39 dead Chinese nationals inside found in Essex - so it's poignant and relevant for the times. (they also died of Carbon dioxide poisoning as the truck formed a perfect seal).

Writing is pretty darn good - the story needs work to make sense.

All the best

EDIT: Just read the other comments - a couple suggesting this didn't meet the criteria, but I actually think it did. sand in the hourglass, shovel to dig up the book, Idris with the illness

Culturally relevant and pertinent to issues surrounding immigration today, particularly in Europe.
I thought this was thought provoking and touching, got little confused a couple of times at the jumps between times but that may just have been me. Well done.

Switching scenes from past to present gets confusing because except for Scene 2 they aren’t marked as to their setting in time. Otherwise, this is an excellent script.

Thanks to all that read and reviewed, and also to Don and Rene for running this contest. The parameters gave me an opportunity to write a story I'd had milling about in my head for some time. Albeit, by the time I was well enough to write it, I only really had 48 hours left till the deadline, meaning I had little time to edit. I think this showed, quite fairly, in the reviews.

Dave's catch with the poolside thing was so easy to rectify by adding two words, it was poor of me to miss it.

I also struggled with the page count of which the following edits usually take care of adequately. I really wanted to add a happy ending, with FLASH TOs showing Kingsley succeed in life, raise a family, etc, but I just didn't have time to squeeze it in. I know one writer here commented on that. Yes, it would have been a nice touch.

The thing with the holding the breath... it was not a part of their plot to hold their breath or anything, it's circumstantial that they end up in a refrigerated truck. I can make that more clear with a single line of dialogue, so thanks for pointing that out.

I'm rewriting this one as I would like to include more Dick Whittington elements, get rid of the hourglass and the shovel. With some work, I think this one has potential.

Cheers,

I also see that we seem to be having a March OWC with MarkItZero moderating... No other signs aside from that though.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Thanks to all that read and reviewed, and also to Don and Rene for running this contest. The parameters gave me an opportunity to write a story I'd had milling about in my head for some time. Albeit, by the time I was well enough to write it, I only really had 48 hours left till the deadline, meaning I had little time to edit. I think this showed, quite fairly, in the reviews. Dave's catch with the poolside thing was so easy to rectify by adding two words, it was poor of me to miss it. I also struggled with the page count of which the following edits usually take care of adequately. I really wanted to add a happy ending, with FLASH TOs showing Kingsley succeed in life, raise a family, etc, but I just didn't have time to squeeze it in. I know one writer here commented on that. Yes, it would have been a nice touch. The thing with the holding the breath... it was not a part of their plot to hold their breath or anything, it's circumstantial that they end up in a refrigerated truck. I can make that more clear with a single line of dialogue, so thanks for pointing that out. I'm rewriting this one as I would like to include more Dick Whittington elements, get rid of the hourglass and the shovel. With some work, I think this one has potential. Cheers,

Definitely does - it has a nice, complete story arc.

I kind of liked the use of the hour glass - I wouldn't get rid of it.

Upon re-read - this:

Quoted Text MOM Till death do us part, father, I promise.

Struck me as a little to western-anglo.

I'd consider something akin to what Errol said earlier

Quoted Text ERROL God finally removed the villain from the earth.

i.e her line could be:

MOM
I promise, until God removes us
from the earth.

Last nit - I somehow wanted to see the book (Dick Whittington) play somewhere in the last part  of the story.  Like one the healthy brother reading it to the sickly brother just before he dies.

Anyway - the bones are all here

Thanks, I'll definitely have to reword to make it less anglo. Another good spot, Dave. I also like the idea of maybe the final frame being of the book. Thank you.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Thanks, I'll definitely have to reword to make it less anglo. Another good spot, Dave. I also like the idea of maybe the final frame being of the book. Thank you.

My pleasure