Dick Whittington by Richard Johnson - Short, Drama - After their village is destroyed, two teenage, Nigerian brothers take a perilous journey to London, England. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This one caught the eye.

I like the old well known title with a modern take .

Now let’s have a look ...

Ha ha numbered para’s - that’s normally a shooting script. Now doesn’t bother me at all, and I Hope others are likewise

Good effort. May be not everyone’s cup of tea, well this is most likely an English/Scottish writer, but a well crafted story across several lands. Topical as well.

A couple of things. I didn’t get the five minute breath holding thing. Why?

I think the scenes in Nigeria could be tightened. In some ways we only need to see desperate  people fleeing.

I would also like to see him on the streets of london, later on. Having made it it so to speak. The punch line/twist was almost more about the mother than the boy, when t should e the other way round. Eg a last shot of him working in the fish market or something

Criteria wise I can’t recall what was needed so will leave others to confirm if it ticks the boxes

Good effort for the week.

Writer,

I enjoyed this a lot. I could clearly see your descriptions and action and characters. Very sad tale, and obviously told from someone in the know. But again, what do I know? You seem to have missed the criteria, I think, as I believe there was one missing, but I possibly could have missed it so I'll bypass it then. Again, aside from numbered paragraphs, which you definitely don't need, this was a very good piece of writing.

Steve

Hey there,

since the last commenters mentioned the criteria maybe not being met: I found sand, a shovel and sickness in your story - check!

This was a serious one... I liked how the story kept switching from Nigeria to England and back - it kept me interested and made for a good pace. The writing itself is not at all bad or anything, but it somehow didn't really manage to draw me in. Maybe that's just me, but I had to mention it. With your ten pages however, you really made me hope that Kingsley would make it.

I think the significance of the breath holding contest could be worked out better. When Kingsley finally succeeds, it didn't feel that meaningful to me. Maybe you could make it more clear, that they've been trying this for a long time and it was important to them.

I honestly wasn't familiar with Dick Whittington and had to do a quick search to understand his significance within your script. Now that I get it, it actually elevated the story for me.

One line that was a bit unclear to me:

Kingsley squeezes his hand to comfort him. Yet it is not enough, eventually, life leaves Idris' body.
- It is not enough to comfort Idris? It's not a big deal, but I feel this could be worded better  

I liked it, I liked the back and forth. Also the Father was a bastard who deserved what he got.

I was a bit confused about Idris being sick, he was in the pool holding his breath and not long after he was ill.

Also I don't think you should have used "gele" well you could have used it but then you shouldn't have told us what it is, show don't tell.

I also wondered about the carbon dioxide, where it came from. I think Idris could have just died from his illness, he would have been ill for a long time and being in the refrigerated lorry wouldn't have helped.

All in all though it was good.

Scene numbers aren't needed in a spec script, but no biggie.

Writing is clean and reads well.

Subject matter is nicely mixed between the past and present and escalates effectively.

It's a drama so the pain and loss mixes well with hope in the end.

Good job.

Excellent and affecting story.  Flashbacks were nicely woven into the narrative making every page count.  Feels like a much bigger story than it is and that takes a real knack.  Despite the little time spent with the characters the dialogue and small moments were enough to give me an understanding of who they were and how much they meant to one another.  I like the bookend approach with the brothers holding their breath—a minor detail that adds depth.

Only snag for me was the crash.  To me it feels too convenient—almost unnecessarily so given the quality of the story up to that point.

Some of the best writing so far.  Clean and concise—painted a vivid picture, particularly during the assault on the village.

Bittersweet—the kind of story that stays with you.  Good work.

Intense! The non-linear structure definitely works. You throw us into the action, then use flashbacks to develop the characters. Each scene has meaning to the overall plot. Suspenseful and heavy-handed with no noticeable loose ends. Great work   

I'd lose the numbered scenes.

Quoted Text SOUND EFFECT: SPLASH! SPLASH!

Poor way to do this IMO - needed even?

Quoted Text EXT. MOUNTAINSIDE POOL - DAY SUPER: NIGERIA - 1 MONTH EARLIER

The Super should be after an action block - i.e., you are superimposing over something.

Quoted Text EXT. NIGERIAN COUNTRYSIDE - DAY Kingsley breaks the surface and gasps in a lungful of air. He takes a couple of breaths and then pulls himself out and onto a rocky ledge where he sits next to an hourglass with half the sand poured throug

OK - I'm confused - he breaks the surface of what? The header is the countryside - we've left the pool.

I am getting confused in regards to time and place in this one.

I like the premise - certainly no one else is going to be writing a similar tale.

Excellent. A cultural script we don't often see. But the extermination of the entire Nigerian village sounds more like the Islamic Boko Haram of Northern Nigeria than the herders.

Action packed, some great imagery.
Big budget needed. Again, I wonder at it being feasible for production, but then these exercises/challenges are surprisingly difficult to be able to blend both good writing/great story with easy to produce. And I didn't enter and am not voting so feel free to disregard my 2c.

I was a bit flummoxed with the segue of the appearance of Dad here:

A HERDSMAN snatches the baby from her and throws it against a
tree before back-swiping her across the throat with his
razor-sharp machete.
Dad hacks the Herdsman in the back of the head and then keeps
hitting him until he is dead.

And the final scene with Mom and Errol's face plant in goat stew? Bit much imho. I would've been a bit more vague and still show Mom survived. I also thought it laid it on a bit thick with the nature of the type of monster Errol is on top of everything else i.e. the massacre.

Lots of merging influences here, including the recent tragic Essex lorry deaths?

I think you could do better with the title, though I accept I may be a dissenting voice there.

Definitely a memorable entry. Mission accomplished there.

No punches pulled here!

You do a good job of describing some horrific reality. It's rightfully uncomfortable, but you keep it engaging and it's told in flashbacks so we already know the boys make it out alive at least.

There wasn't much to separate Kingsley and Idris. I had to keep checking which was which, even at the end. I had to go back to the beginning to make sure the ending worked which lessened the impact for me.

I don't think it quite works anyway since the breath-holding doesn't make sense. They didn't set out to master holding their breath for five minutes in order to accomplish their escape. They didn't seem to have any particular purpose for it other than it's something to do. The larger issue is, when they're locked in an air-tight container and facing death by asphyxiation, how is being able to hold their breath for an extra five minutes going to help them? It's not like they have the precise timing for how long their oxygen is going to last and exactly when they're going to be freed. So, it's an act of desperation, but it seems like that was the plan all along. Something doesn't jive.

Why Dick Whittington? Other than the rags-to-riches aspect, it doesn't seem to have any bearing on this story.

The writing is good, the story good but not for everyone. The ending needs to have a bigger impact. Overall a strong entry though, well done.

Not sure why you numbered your scenes.  Sorry, not familiar with "Dick Whittington."  I'm assuming it's some sort of folklore.  But in some weird way, I did enjoy reading this, and felt the sadness you wanted to portray-- good work in the emotion department.  Not much to add I'm afraid, but I did like it.

Ghost

Extremely well-written. Other than that, just the usual tragedy porn -- one of my least favourite genres. Not for me, but good job with it.

Chris

A powerful and tragic drama with strong cultural vibes. You manage to convey a hell of a lot of ground in such short time and I think that in the end worked a bit against you. This is a personal pet hate of mine but I dislike tales which start off with intense action and then go SUPER – TEN DAYS EARLIER. I think it’s a cheap mechanism to draw people in that is overused at the moment.

That being said, I ended up confused as to the holding the breath exercises and how it tied in at the end. This seemed to get mixed up with one of the boys being ill and I’ve no idea how holding their breath for five minutes helped them survive a trip across seas in a refrigerator.

However, this stands out as it is different, well told and well written.

-Mark

Hello writer

5 minutes underwater? I thought that sounded mad so I googled the world record... 22 minutes!! holy shit!

"rocking their world." - means something different to me

Quoted Text KINGSLEY But he did bad things to you.

First dodgy bit of dialogue in what has been pretty good so far. You don't need it, we can see he is a bad man from what follows.

"Peels of London's Bow Bells" - you mean "peals" but anyway, nice touch back to Dick Whittington story.
The call of the bow bells are what called Dick Whittington back to London - I guess there is a tenuous link there.

The switch between London and Nigeria was fine - It kept pushing the narrative forward rather than stalling it (which flashbacks can do sometimes) - so well done there.

I am somewhat perplexed though - neither Kingsley or Mom seem to care that Idris has died.
The breath thing is also odd - only 5 minutes? at what point did they start holding their breath? sure as shit wasn't on the ferry cause from there to London is a long 5 minutes. How did Kingsley know when to start holding his breath? is he really that lucky that he did it precisely 5 minutes before the crash?

Not long ago there was a refrigerated lorry with 39 dead Chinese nationals inside found in Essex - so it's poignant and relevant for the times. (they also died of Carbon dioxide poisoning as the truck formed a perfect seal).

Writing is pretty darn good - the story needs work to make sense.

All the best

EDIT: Just read the other comments - a couple suggesting this didn't meet the criteria, but I actually think it did. sand in the hourglass, shovel to dig up the book, Idris with the illness

Culturally relevant and pertinent to issues surrounding immigration today, particularly in Europe.
I thought this was thought provoking and touching, got little confused a couple of times at the jumps between times but that may just have been me. Well done.

Switching scenes from past to present gets confusing because except for Scene 2 they aren’t marked as to their setting in time. Otherwise, this is an excellent script.

Thanks to all that read and reviewed, and also to Don and Rene for running this contest. The parameters gave me an opportunity to write a story I'd had milling about in my head for some time. Albeit, by the time I was well enough to write it, I only really had 48 hours left till the deadline, meaning I had little time to edit. I think this showed, quite fairly, in the reviews.

Dave's catch with the poolside thing was so easy to rectify by adding two words, it was poor of me to miss it.

I also struggled with the page count of which the following edits usually take care of adequately. I really wanted to add a happy ending, with FLASH TOs showing Kingsley succeed in life, raise a family, etc, but I just didn't have time to squeeze it in. I know one writer here commented on that. Yes, it would have been a nice touch.

The thing with the holding the breath... it was not a part of their plot to hold their breath or anything, it's circumstantial that they end up in a refrigerated truck. I can make that more clear with a single line of dialogue, so thanks for pointing that out.

I'm rewriting this one as I would like to include more Dick Whittington elements, get rid of the hourglass and the shovel. With some work, I think this one has potential.

Cheers,

I also see that we seem to be having a March OWC with MarkItZero moderating... No other signs aside from that though.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Thanks to all that read and reviewed, and also to Don and Rene for running this contest. The parameters gave me an opportunity to write a story I'd had milling about in my head for some time. Albeit, by the time I was well enough to write it, I only really had 48 hours left till the deadline, meaning I had little time to edit. I think this showed, quite fairly, in the reviews. Dave's catch with the poolside thing was so easy to rectify by adding two words, it was poor of me to miss it. I also struggled with the page count of which the following edits usually take care of adequately. I really wanted to add a happy ending, with FLASH TOs showing Kingsley succeed in life, raise a family, etc, but I just didn't have time to squeeze it in. I know one writer here commented on that. Yes, it would have been a nice touch. The thing with the holding the breath... it was not a part of their plot to hold their breath or anything, it's circumstantial that they end up in a refrigerated truck. I can make that more clear with a single line of dialogue, so thanks for pointing that out. I'm rewriting this one as I would like to include more Dick Whittington elements, get rid of the hourglass and the shovel. With some work, I think this one has potential. Cheers,

Definitely does - it has a nice, complete story arc.

I kind of liked the use of the hour glass - I wouldn't get rid of it.

Upon re-read - this:

Quoted Text MOM Till death do us part, father, I promise.

Struck me as a little to western-anglo.

I'd consider something akin to what Errol said earlier

Quoted Text ERROL God finally removed the villain from the earth.

i.e her line could be:

MOM
I promise, until God removes us
from the earth.

Last nit - I somehow wanted to see the book (Dick Whittington) play somewhere in the last part  of the story.  Like one the healthy brother reading it to the sickly brother just before he dies.

Anyway - the bones are all here

Thanks, I'll definitely have to reword to make it less anglo. Another good spot, Dave. I also like the idea of maybe the final frame being of the book. Thank you.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Thanks, I'll definitely have to reword to make it less anglo. Another good spot, Dave. I also like the idea of maybe the final frame being of the book. Thank you.

My pleasure