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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2020 -  One Week Challenge  ›  The Devil's Kitchen - OWC Moderators: ReneC, Administrator
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  Author    The Devil's Kitchen - OWC  (currently 1815 views)
Don
Posted: January 24th, 2020, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Devil's Kitchen by I'm not the fig plucker, Nor the fig plucker's' son, But I'll pluck figs Till the fig plucker comes. - Short, Horror - Two wreckers disregard a local legend of a family of cannibals and loot a recently wrecked ship. some legends should not be ignored. - pdf format

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ReneC
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Moody, bleak, full of interesting characters, this is a pretty good yarn. The story, such as it is, is dark and dour. It doesn't pull any punches, and the unsatisfying ending is fitting.

I didn't particularly care for any of the characters, but that's the point. The dialogue strongly emphasizes the tone and drew me into the world, and that's where this shines. This almost Lovecraftian world on a small scale is compelling. A little more emphasis on sounds and smells would carry this over the top in immersion.

A few spelling and grammar errors here and there but nothing that detracts from the read. Overall I enjoyed this, but it's not for everyone.


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, I see this as an either you take to it or you don't type of script, writer.  But, boy, the thing that got to me most was that this was soooo bleak. Suffocatingly so.  Almost.  As one perspective, JMHO, methinks some people... for good or ill... are incapable of understanding evil, or simply refuse to. I guess, if everyone was inclined to appreciate that sort of thing, everyone would be fans of the horror genre -- which plainly isn't the case.  Done rambling.  Rene makes a good point, this will not be for everyone.  

That said, I’m not on the fence.  I liked it -- but I'm not gushing over it.-A


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Gum
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not the fig plucker,Nor the fig plucker's' son,But I'll pluck figsTill the fig plucker comes.

Lol, that’s quite the pseudonym you’ve got there! I’ve never heard that twister before, but, I quite like it.

Q: What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
A: typical answer: Rrrrrrrrr…
A: Nay, ya wretched hack… it be the ‘C’ they love.

So, we have two Maritime, err… timers, searching for treasures of such, or merely that which does not belong to them in and amongst a cave full of flesh-eating zombies. Couldn’t say they weren’t forewarned by the Storyteller. Curious why no one ever listens to folktales of ghouls and goblins? They must be born of some unnatural quagmire that someone somewhere survived to tell the tale.

John Gregg and his hideous boil ridden family eat flesh, but, where did they come from, how long have they been there, and why is eating human flesh not only a reason to satiate their hunger, but (as stated) also provide a cure for… something unthinkable? Perhaps immortality, or being swallowed by hell itself and forced to live as a tormented soul forever walking a lake of boiling pitch? So many questions unanswered, but with only ten pages, I’ll have to settle with what you’ve scripted here.

Fun tale, really. I quite enjoyed this one.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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Love the tone established with the opening, and the language used fits well... and any script that gets hornswoggle in gets my vote

The story flows well, not really hindered by the occasional typo, and moves along at a decent pace.

Having finished it I wonder if the storyteller is needed, I'm not sure.

Overall I enjoyed this one.  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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stevemiles
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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Digging the title and logline - wreckers vs. cannibals—I’m in.

UK writer?  Style feels familiar.

Clovelly bay—lovely part of the world.  Fun fact, they used to employ a donkey to haul coal up the steep cobbled street.  Though it’s not the cannibals you need to watch out for it’s the parking charges…outrageous.

So the cannibals’ condition was the sickness?

Fun action/horror.  Writing’s solid—pulled me in and set the scene.  Some nice period details in the Lancaster pistol—extra kudos for that.  Bone Tomahawk meets Sawney Bean with a west country twist.

Not entirely on board with the logic of the setup.  How it is John Greg and co. have been operating like this so brazenly without being caught.  They can be seen from the cliffs..?  Presumably it’s not Albert and Walter’s first wrecking yet they get taken within moments.  Not a biggie, a consequence of the page count.

It’s a lot to bite off in ten pages and a rush to the finish which deflates the mystery/tension somewhat.  Maybe better to scale back the concept to fewer characters and a narrower scope?  Otherwise an entertaining read with a nice period touch.  Good work.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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And here we have one of those dreaded pseudonyms that immediately puts me at odds with the script.  Just really dumb, IMO.

You really should CAP the first intro of all characters, including animals.  Using "GENTLEMAN" and "LADY" as character names is...well...it's dumb.

"THUDS to the floor" - Huh?  What floor?  I thought we were outside?

I don't like how you wrote the intro here at all...none of it.  It's not set up well, it's not visual, it's a poor start, and there's no reason it should be, as you can definitely write.

"On a nearby table..." - They're sitting on the table?  Why are they on top of a table?  It's little things like this that just kill a read.

Dialogue is quite good.  Sounds very authentic.

Page 3 and 4 and I'm confused now.  It seemed to me like "the storyteller" was telling an old tale, but now it seems like it just happened?  We need some kind of SUPER early on, letting us know when and where this takes place.

Slugs are not great and can use work for sure.

"Out to see" - "sea"?  Otherwise, I don't get this at all.

Page 6 - "quieten"?

Page 8 - "A glance both ways, where are they?" - I don't know.  I wonder if anyone knows?  I bet we'll soon find out.

OK, the end.  I want to love this script.  I really do.  It's my kind of script...all the way, but there's alot missing, and although most issues are small, they accumulate to make this much less than it could be.

Writing isn't bad by any means and I bet this is a talented writer here, but nothing pops, nothing comes off as it could and should.

I think a big issue is not setting this up better.  We don't know where we are or when this is taking place.  We don't have a clue who John Gregg is.  We don't know who all these creatures are or were, or what in the Sam Hell they're doing in this cave, so close to town.  How long have they been there?  Why hasn't someone or the army or whatever it is gone in and cleaned their arses out?  Usually, I get upset when peeps ask such questions, but here we need to know a whole lot more.

I like this for what it is, but wish it could have been so much more.

***1/2  

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Bayne
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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This is a solid horror short. Well written, gruesome visuals, funny/likeable characters. You understand the genre and it shows. Nice work
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eldave1
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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Cool title page.


Quoted Text
Miss-step, he THUDS to the floor. Scrambling back to his
feet, he looks back. Lady and the creatures have gone.


Floor seemed odd - ground?

Dialogue - well done - fits the character.

Action blocks - well done. Vivid, crisp and clean writing.

Story - not for me. These types of things never seem full arc for my tastes. Characters are established and then horror about horror happens to them and I am always lost as to a premise or theme. Probably just me.

Talented writer for sure.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Heretic
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

- Huh, I learned it as "pheasant plucker"...

Thoughts:

- Slick and well paced. Nicely mirrored with the child. Technical aplomb aside, this is another one of *those*...a story with a protag who makes an innocuous choice and then gets menaced by ghouls ad infinitum. Nothing here to connect with, for me.

Chris
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 4:42am Report to Moderator
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The storyteller intro isn’t required here. It actually threw me off as I was just getting my head around the beginning when it switched to a storyteller, then switched to them going on a jaunt to the beach for a salvage run and I was lost for a bit. I know you are trying to setup the monsters in the cave but you don’t need to, there’s no explanation or reason for the monsters so there’s no requirement to set them up.

Great dialogue and interesting characters. Well written, easy to follow action. Not one for me just for personal tastes. I’m not one for horrendous unexplainable things just happening and you just know everyone is going to die no matter what, so I quickly drift off.

This met the criteria well in my opinion though.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dan_P
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Whew! This one didn't waste a minute to get started. A good horror story, and I see I'm not the first commenter to think of Sawney Bean. It left me with some questions, but, considering the pace and the page limit, I think it was wise of you to not concern yourself with too many explanations.

I like the fast pace, but the opening was almost too fast for my taste. I could've used a tiny bit more build up and atmosphere here.

I really like the writing style. Very focused, clean and enjoyable.

"Albert stands with his back to the cave.A hideous arm wraps around him from behind. Another hand,with long pointed nails, grab his face.Walter flees as Albert is dragged into the cave."
- This, to me, wasn't really gripping. It kicks off all the action, but I didn't really feel the dread and the change of gears here. Might be just personal taste, though.
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Spqr
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Very good story, characters, and action. A super major screwup was neglecting to describe the Lancaster pistol as the four-barrel version. Kidding!
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SAC
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 12:10am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

A solid entry. What stopped it from being great was that it just kind of ended without a real conclusion. I mean, yeah, I was pulling for Walter -- guy's got a wife and a child on the way. Sorry to see he didn't make it, but there needs to be, IMO, more justification for this whole mess other than them (the creatures) just being there. I mean who and what and why? If you would have answered that I would have scored higher. Overall,still very good.

Steve


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mmmarnie
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 12:50am Report to Moderator
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Some people are so hung up on happy endings. Not me. Sometimes things don't end well...sometimes the guy doesn't get the girl, sometimes it's so cloudy you can't ride off into the sunset, and sometimes when you go looking for treasure, incestuous cave monsters kill, then eat you.

Nice writing, cool story. Great effort for this OWC.


boop
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