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‘Alarms BLARE. Warning lights FLASH.’ - might be another way to write this.
Basketball comparison seems oddly specific.
Why do they need to ask permission to move to safety? Feels forced.
Hot wiring a space station?
P.4 - EXT. SPACE - where are Tucker and Smith in this scene?
So Smith brings the space rock inside the airlock with a mind on the resale value? Without supporting logic the story suffers.
Okay, so you do have a novel way of introducing a ‘snake’ into the mix which then allows you the syringe and sickness.
Why an axe? …Because.
So there’s a story there of sorts, but every beat felt far too familiar for me. Not to harp on, no doubt it’s been mentioned.
Does the logline connect all that well to the plot?
One thing, if you’re writing this kind of idea you need to tighten the logic—make us believe you know your world. As soon as you shoehorn the plot into place you begin to lose the trust of the reader. It’s also harder to build and maintain a sense of tension which is what a contained idea like this really thrives on. That and originality—it’s a crowded field.
Best of luck.
Steve
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Got kind of a John Carpenter thing going on, as in ‘The Thing’; which by the way was/is a bitching movie every time I see it, so way to weave that in there. Don’t want to go here, but unfortunately, I have to go here:
Speed of electromagnetic radiation is the same as light 186,000 miles per/sec.
SUPER: UNITED STATES SPACE FORCE: MER (Mars/Earth Communication Relay Space Station). 60 Million miles from Earth.
COMMANDER TUCKER (in mic): Mission Control this is MER! Mission Control this is MER!
MISSION CONTROL (RADIO): Go ahead MER, this is Mission Control.
COMMANDER TUCKER: (in mic): We have ten objects approaching danger-close. ETA four-minutes. Seeking approval to relocate three clicks to a safe distance.
With a 5 1/2-minute delay for Mission Control to receive MER’s broadcast, and a 5 1/2- minute delay before MER hears back from Mission Control (11 minutes minimum, not including Mission Control sitting around with their thumbs up their ass wondering if they should give them permission to move MER or not)… there already dead.
But, if Commander Tucker takes into consideration the transmission delay, then he would just simply move -- conservatively 2 or 3 or 4 hundred billion dollars worth of hardware out of the way of the projectiles without Mission Control’s knowledge -- saving the crew, but… starting a mutiny in space because of his insubordination towards Mission Control. Yes, a mutiny is always good in space, because there’s literally nowhere to go but insane.
Just a thought. Like I said, I like the theme because it has a John Carpenter vibe, and sometimes that’s all you need to keep reading. Chilling and creepy.
My first thought was #metoo in space. Aside from that, as others have said nothing original here. Decent writing on display but the dialogue was very hit or miss. I felt myself skimming near the end because I've just seen this before. Clean writing though. Decent entry.
Wow, an overwritten title. Not looking forward to the content. Any other time, I'd completely ignore this script.
Overwritten and passive opening.
Here too, is also passive:
Code
Commander Kyle Tucker (53) is lying in his bunk with a microphone in hand.
Using your own words and structure: Commander Kyle Tucker (53) lies in his bunk with a microphone in hand.
Code
scotched taped
What? Do you mean scotch-taped?
Code
LT. SABRINA PEREZ (24) is eating at the table as she's writing her report minding her own business.
Again this is passive. But also, she is eating while writing a report... yet you feel it necessary to add that she is also minding her own business (also failing to add a necessary comma)? I find it quite noteworthy that she is eating while working... if she was also not minding her own business, I'd just find that too much of a stretch. In short, she minding her own business goes without saying unless she actually isn't minding her own business.
Missing commas... like here:
Code
Smith has his feet up on the console singing away.
Smith has his feet up on the console, singing away.
It makes a lot of difference to the read. Every mistake you make slows the read. Let alone all the overwriting and passive voice.
I've just looked... 10 pages... this is going to feel more like 20. Thanks.
The story drags and, for a short, takes too long to get going. By the time I got there, I was so bogged down with all the passive writing, I just didn't care anymore.
Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care. Story (1-5) – 2 Characters (1-5) – 2 Dialogue (1-5) – 3 Writing (1-5) – 2 Overall (1-10) – 4.5