SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 9:16pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2020 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Growth Spurts - OWC Moderators: ReneC, Administrator
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Growth Spurts - OWC  (currently 1785 views)
Don
Posted: January 24th, 2020, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Growth Spurts by I Don't Like Gardening - Short, Sci Fi, Horror - A homesick scientist and his team discover an alien seed that sprouts when exposed to music and violently confirms that "bad weeds grow tall". - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
JEStaats
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
Another great writer here. No complaints with style or format. Dialogue is a bit hokey in places (e.g. unrealistic use of names in banter, if that makes any sense). Great use of criteria and very original.

Overall, really quite good, writer. Kudos.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 19
Warren
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Hi writer,


Quoted Text
A pot of flowers on a table. The pot has a child's drawing
on it: mom, dad, and a little girl


Really could have shortened this: A pot of flowers on the table has a child's...


Quoted Text
FADE TO BLACK


Not a big deal, just seems inconsistent that you don't fade in, then fade to black and then don't fade in again. I personally like a fade in, but understand it's not at all necessary, just then seems odd to use one transition and not the other.



Quoted Text
professional, laid-back


A bit hard to know what you're going for here. I think it could be more visual if you had something in mind. What is she doing or wearing that makes her seem professional yet laid back?


Quoted Text
two dozens of identical seeds


two dozen identical


Quoted Text
Eddy has taped a picture of a fiftyish man


This reads really awkwardly - A man in his fifties.


Quoted Text
personnel
is required


are

This feels like it's probably a younger writer, the dialogue doesn't seem to fit the characters, it's too 'young'.


Quoted Text
EDDY
No... But it's on my bucket list.
Any place you recommend I go see?
RICK
Pete's hot-dog stand in New Jersey.


We are in some distant future where people are no longer born on earth, but there are still hotdog stands, just doesn't feel right. I guess the issue with only having a week to write, especially with sci-fi, is not having the time to really flesh out your world.


Quoted Text
several extra heads, hydra-like


Not sure what this means.

The writing goes from relatively good to really awkward from one moment to the next.


Quoted Text
RICK
Mallory! The herbicide!


A little cringy.

The whole thing could have done with a couple more edits, realize that can be tough in an OWC.

It's quite comedic in parts, just checked the genre and there is no comedy selected so it might be unintentional.

The dialogue is getting really cringy :/


Quoted Text
RICK
We're not gonna make it!


Said no one ever...

And done, not too bad for a week, but also nothing new or original on display. Some horror aboard a space ship kills the crew, someone sacrifices themself to save the day, the end.

I think the main issue for me was the dialogue, it either didn't ring true for me or was over the top cringe.

Like I said it's not bad for a week but I can't imagine it will be up the top at the end of the week.

All the best.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 19
AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Well written piece, reads quick and lean and visually engaging.

But as a story it seems pretty familiar and the characters feel a little cliche.

So I'm conflicted, I liked it but I think with more work and a little more invention it could really sing - pardon the pun!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 19
eldave1
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted Text
INT. SPACE VESSEL "OUTER EDEN" - LEISURE ROOM


I'm confused by the OUTER EDEN - is that supposed to be the name of the ship?

(okay - now I see that is is)

As you go to your different rooms (e.g., Leisure Room, Lab, etc) gives us a bit of a description of what we are looking at.

Not sure why they just didn't start playing the music the plant hated right away when it started to grow out of control.

Positives - fast paced - dialogue was fine. Some nice variance in the characters.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 19
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1565
Posts Per Day
0.29
Ok, I like the description, but I'd like to see less of it. Is that a contradiction?  Halfway through I found myself zoning out...It felt pretty familiar, but still intriguing.  Wasn't completely sure about the tone. I sort of liked the dialogue. But some of it was dialogue on-the-nose and kinda cringy. One example; "We're not gonna make it!"

Overall, not bad.-A


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 19
Matthew Taylor
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 7:25am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.89
Who doesn't like gardening? Gardening is awesome!

This looks very squeezed in - have you been taking liberties with spacing to cram into the 10 pages? Hmm, am I being too suspicious.

Not a bad tale - a well-trodden path but there is a reason these paths are used so often, people like them and watch them, me included. You kept it simple and didn't do a bad job, the dialogue lets it down somewhat and I started to read a bit faster and skim around page 4.

Still, I loved the heartfelt ending of him recording the song for the child he won't see again. Built-up well and I felt it in my gut - so well done.

Solid effort

P.S you don't get extra points for all of the extra criteria you put in there lol



Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 19
ReneC
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
1435
Posts Per Day
0.31
Wow, lots of s words, hahaha! You had fun with it.

What's wrong with dub-step?  

Interesting take on the whole music nurtures philosophy. After a rocky start with some not very witty banter, things escalate quickly for the doomed crew. I like the idea behind Rick's singing, but it needs a stronger setup. His wife has trouble singing their son to sleep? Do you mean she's a terrible singer? What is it about that particular song that's special? Maybe that would make it have a bigger impact, if it's something his mother or father used to sing to him, or maybe his wife says that's his favourite song so he's practicing it so he can bond with his son when he gets home.

Ill Bill seems like a running gag in an otherwise serious story. He has the "sniffles", it's repeated over and over like a joke. Something more has to be said about that, and where is Ill Bill in all of this mayhem? Still in bed?

The visuals are good. I like the use of sounds and music. The dialogue needs work, as do aspects of the story, but overall it's a good entry.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 19
Gum
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
832
Posts Per Day
0.42
Hi writer,

A bio-sphere in outer space, seems like an idea filled with potential. This…

“A gloved hand inspects a purple-black ALIEN SEED the size of a marble, inside a brightly lit lab.”

… caught me out for a sec. Thought you meant inside the marble was a brightly lit lab, kind of like the Galaxy is on Orion’s Belt in MIB. That would have been cool, an alien seed with the potential to harvest a new galaxy. Not entirely sure of the logistics involved but, a cool concept non the less, if that’s what you meant?

Anyway…

MALLORY - Tell me about the "jellybeans".

Rick shyly attempts to move away from her touch.

This reminded me of Stewart from Mad TV for some reason… “ I don’t wanna!”

OK, so we’re 0.44 light years from earth and Rick’s wife just gave birth to their second child, Vis-à-vis he’s a toddler in the pic. So, I threw the figure in a light year calculator and unfortunately the math just don’t add up… it’s 2,582,673,984,000 Miles!

Considering Rick would have to be on earth to knock up his wife, 9 months till birth, then maybe a year or to two later to hit the toddler stage; we’re looking at maybe 36 months tops, or so. That’s one lickity-split-fast-biosphere-lab-ship you got going on there, friend… but who am I to nit-pick when we’re all singing happy song’s about sunny days, and gardening.

I always talk to my plants, I actually reprimand them as well, and I’m not being facetious. The story was entertaining enough, kind of like a ‘Little Shop of Horrors’ in space. I got a few good smiles from this, sunshine too. Good work.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 19
SAC
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 11:10pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Writer,

I kinda liked this. I think we've seen this premise before, but I didn't mind. I enjoyed the call back to the song at then end - that was a nice touch. I loved the part when the plant ate Eddy, spit out his skeleton, then his intern badge - wonderful! However, I seriously think you could have trimmed the dialogue in the first few pages, then trimmed the action writing in the last few. You could tighten this up and then I think you've got a pretty good script. Good luck with this!

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 19
Britman
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Not in Britain
Posts
101
Posts Per Day
0.02
I kept getting visuals of dancing Groot throughout the first part of this. That aside, this was a well-written script no doubt but a little too familiar a story. The writing was clean but I felt myself skimming toward the end. A few clunky descriptions here and there that could've been streamlined. Solid effort though. Great job!


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Pretty/Dark by James Williams
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 19
MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 8:57am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
I know this was a serious piece but I actually lol’d at “Mallory! The herbicide!”

Okay, so this meets the criteria and was well written in the aspect that I could easily follow what was going on. I felt myself skimming a lot as there was a lot of unnecessary dialogue that sounded unnatural. Especially in the setup. I think in this case the old adage of ‘start as late as possible’ is key and I’d actually begin with them planting the seeds and noticing music has an effect. You can fill in the details about the characters and what they are doing there naturally then as part of the growing story while keeping the audience glues to the developing action.

The other reason I felt myself skimming was the familiarity and predictability. Sure this was Little Shop Of Horrors in Space, which is a neat twist, but how it played out is the way I’ve seen in hundreds of monster movies.  

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 19
Dreamscale
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 11:34am Report to Moderator
Guest User



And yet another pseudonym that has me groaning out of the gate.  ARGH!!!

Looking at the 1st page, it seems your margins are off.  Hmmm...

No FADE IN, yet you have a FADE TO BLACK, followed by no FADE IN?  WTF?

First 2 pages mostly all meaningless banter with several little mistakes "sprouting up".

Up to page 4 and still all dialogue, and although you've painted a picture and life for Rick, it all seems so cliche.  I'm just not caring at all about much of anything here so far.

Up to page 6 and things have definitely taken off, but it all seems too sudden, too unrealistic.  I'm just not buying anything here, sorry to say.

Page 8 - Don't start new scenes with dialogue.

The dialogue just isn't cutting it.  It doesn't sound real, nor does the action.

The end.  Lots of looking and seeing going on.  So much mayhem in a few minutes.  Noting rings true here.  Writing isn't terrible by any means, but not good, either.

Not for me, sorry to say.

**
Logged
e-mail Reply: 12 - 19
Spqr
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
483
Posts Per Day
0.09
There are a couple of minor problems in this otherwise solid effort.

On page 2 the character of “Ill Bill” is brought up, but he’s never seen. Not even when the plants are running amok and you’d think Rick or Mallory would try to save him. Or at least warn him over the intercom.

Also on page 2, Rick says, of the planet the seed came from, that the atmosphere was similar to Earth’s. What planet? This space ship is only .44 light years from Earth and the nearest star system, Alpha Centauri, is over 4 light-years away.

Page 7: they think the loud music has killed the plants, then realize their mistake: the alarm is keeping it alive. But it’s already been established the plant can’t stand anything but pop songs, and the alarm is on the raucous end of things.

Page 8: Mallory says “You said you oughta run to your family, right? Now’s the time.” I’m thinking there’s an escape pod, they can run to, but it turns out it’s only a bedroom they go to. This is not an escape plan.

Good script, and though the ending works very well, the spaceship has to have a means for the crew to make an emergency evacuation. Disable it if you want, but I think mention has to be made of it.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 19
stevemiles
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16
And for a while there I thought this was going to be a rare happy ending...

Enjoyed the read—another sci-fi/contained horror style but it feels a lot more together.  Those early moments spent with the characters gave me a sense of who they were and what they cared about.  Makes all the difference when all hell breaks loose if we have a connection to the character.

Criteria was woven into the plot—song actually worked on different levels which was a nice touch.

Dialogue felt forced in places—a little rushed perhaps.  Looks like you had trouble making this fit the ten page limit.

Presumably the infirmary is not on the same ship?  Too bad that Ill Bill left before he could handover the clearance.  You’d think there’d be some kind of protocol in place…

Not my favourite genre, but this was engaging enough to make an impression and I felt some empathy for Rick and Mallory right at the end there so kudos for that.  Good work.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 19
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    January 2020 -  One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006