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Growth Spurts by I Don't Like Gardening - Short, Sci Fi, Horror - A homesick scientist and his team discover an alien seed that sprouts when exposed to music and violently confirms that "bad weeds grow tall". - pdf format
Another great writer here. No complaints with style or format. Dialogue is a bit hokey in places (e.g. unrealistic use of names in banter, if that makes any sense). Great use of criteria and very original.
A pot of flowers on a table. The pot has a child's drawing on it: mom, dad, and a little girl
Really could have shortened this: A pot of flowers on the table has a child's...
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FADE TO BLACK
Not a big deal, just seems inconsistent that you don't fade in, then fade to black and then don't fade in again. I personally like a fade in, but understand it's not at all necessary, just then seems odd to use one transition and not the other.
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professional, laid-back
A bit hard to know what you're going for here. I think it could be more visual if you had something in mind. What is she doing or wearing that makes her seem professional yet laid back?
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two dozens of identical seeds
two dozen identical
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Eddy has taped a picture of a fiftyish man
This reads really awkwardly - A man in his fifties.
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personnel is required
are
This feels like it's probably a younger writer, the dialogue doesn't seem to fit the characters, it's too 'young'.
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EDDY No... But it's on my bucket list. Any place you recommend I go see? RICK Pete's hot-dog stand in New Jersey.
We are in some distant future where people are no longer born on earth, but there are still hotdog stands, just doesn't feel right. I guess the issue with only having a week to write, especially with sci-fi, is not having the time to really flesh out your world.
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several extra heads, hydra-like
Not sure what this means.
The writing goes from relatively good to really awkward from one moment to the next.
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RICK Mallory! The herbicide!
A little cringy.
The whole thing could have done with a couple more edits, realize that can be tough in an OWC.
It's quite comedic in parts, just checked the genre and there is no comedy selected so it might be unintentional.
The dialogue is getting really cringy :/
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RICK We're not gonna make it!
Said no one ever...
And done, not too bad for a week, but also nothing new or original on display. Some horror aboard a space ship kills the crew, someone sacrifices themself to save the day, the end.
I think the main issue for me was the dialogue, it either didn't ring true for me or was over the top cringe.
Like I said it's not bad for a week but I can't imagine it will be up the top at the end of the week.
Ok, I like the description, but I'd like to see less of it. Is that a contradiction? Halfway through I found myself zoning out...It felt pretty familiar, but still intriguing. Wasn't completely sure about the tone. I sort of liked the dialogue. But some of it was dialogue on-the-nose and kinda cringy. One example; "We're not gonna make it!"
This looks very squeezed in - have you been taking liberties with spacing to cram into the 10 pages? Hmm, am I being too suspicious.
Not a bad tale - a well-trodden path but there is a reason these paths are used so often, people like them and watch them, me included. You kept it simple and didn't do a bad job, the dialogue lets it down somewhat and I started to read a bit faster and skim around page 4.
Still, I loved the heartfelt ending of him recording the song for the child he won't see again. Built-up well and I felt it in my gut - so well done.
Solid effort
P.S you don't get extra points for all of the extra criteria you put in there lol
Wow, lots of s words, hahaha! You had fun with it.
What's wrong with dub-step?
Interesting take on the whole music nurtures philosophy. After a rocky start with some not very witty banter, things escalate quickly for the doomed crew. I like the idea behind Rick's singing, but it needs a stronger setup. His wife has trouble singing their son to sleep? Do you mean she's a terrible singer? What is it about that particular song that's special? Maybe that would make it have a bigger impact, if it's something his mother or father used to sing to him, or maybe his wife says that's his favourite song so he's practicing it so he can bond with his son when he gets home.
Ill Bill seems like a running gag in an otherwise serious story. He has the "sniffles", it's repeated over and over like a joke. Something more has to be said about that, and where is Ill Bill in all of this mayhem? Still in bed?
The visuals are good. I like the use of sounds and music. The dialogue needs work, as do aspects of the story, but overall it's a good entry.
A bio-sphere in outer space, seems like an idea filled with potential. This…
“A gloved hand inspects a purple-black ALIEN SEED the size of a marble, inside a brightly lit lab.”
… caught me out for a sec. Thought you meant inside the marble was a brightly lit lab, kind of like the Galaxy is on Orion’s Belt in MIB. That would have been cool, an alien seed with the potential to harvest a new galaxy. Not entirely sure of the logistics involved but, a cool concept non the less, if that’s what you meant?
Anyway…
MALLORY - Tell me about the "jellybeans".
Rick shyly attempts to move away from her touch.
This reminded me of Stewart from Mad TV for some reason… “ I don’t wanna!”
OK, so we’re 0.44 light years from earth and Rick’s wife just gave birth to their second child, Vis-à-vis he’s a toddler in the pic. So, I threw the figure in a light year calculator and unfortunately the math just don’t add up… it’s 2,582,673,984,000 Miles!
Considering Rick would have to be on earth to knock up his wife, 9 months till birth, then maybe a year or to two later to hit the toddler stage; we’re looking at maybe 36 months tops, or so. That’s one lickity-split-fast-biosphere-lab-ship you got going on there, friend… but who am I to nit-pick when we’re all singing happy song’s about sunny days, and gardening.
I always talk to my plants, I actually reprimand them as well, and I’m not being facetious. The story was entertaining enough, kind of like a ‘Little Shop of Horrors’ in space. I got a few good smiles from this, sunshine too. Good work.
I kinda liked this. I think we've seen this premise before, but I didn't mind. I enjoyed the call back to the song at then end - that was a nice touch. I loved the part when the plant ate Eddy, spit out his skeleton, then his intern badge - wonderful! However, I seriously think you could have trimmed the dialogue in the first few pages, then trimmed the action writing in the last few. You could tighten this up and then I think you've got a pretty good script. Good luck with this!
I kept getting visuals of dancing Groot throughout the first part of this. That aside, this was a well-written script no doubt but a little too familiar a story. The writing was clean but I felt myself skimming toward the end. A few clunky descriptions here and there that could've been streamlined. Solid effort though. Great job!
I know this was a serious piece but I actually lol’d at “Mallory! The herbicide!”
Okay, so this meets the criteria and was well written in the aspect that I could easily follow what was going on. I felt myself skimming a lot as there was a lot of unnecessary dialogue that sounded unnatural. Especially in the setup. I think in this case the old adage of ‘start as late as possible’ is key and I’d actually begin with them planting the seeds and noticing music has an effect. You can fill in the details about the characters and what they are doing there naturally then as part of the growing story while keeping the audience glues to the developing action.
The other reason I felt myself skimming was the familiarity and predictability. Sure this was Little Shop Of Horrors in Space, which is a neat twist, but how it played out is the way I’ve seen in hundreds of monster movies.
-Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
And yet another pseudonym that has me groaning out of the gate. ARGH!!!
Looking at the 1st page, it seems your margins are off. Hmmm...
No FADE IN, yet you have a FADE TO BLACK, followed by no FADE IN? WTF?
First 2 pages mostly all meaningless banter with several little mistakes "sprouting up".
Up to page 4 and still all dialogue, and although you've painted a picture and life for Rick, it all seems so cliche. I'm just not caring at all about much of anything here so far.
Up to page 6 and things have definitely taken off, but it all seems too sudden, too unrealistic. I'm just not buying anything here, sorry to say.
Page 8 - Don't start new scenes with dialogue.
The dialogue just isn't cutting it. It doesn't sound real, nor does the action.
The end. Lots of looking and seeing going on. So much mayhem in a few minutes. Noting rings true here. Writing isn't terrible by any means, but not good, either.
There are a couple of minor problems in this otherwise solid effort.
On page 2 the character of “Ill Bill” is brought up, but he’s never seen. Not even when the plants are running amok and you’d think Rick or Mallory would try to save him. Or at least warn him over the intercom.
Also on page 2, Rick says, of the planet the seed came from, that the atmosphere was similar to Earth’s. What planet? This space ship is only .44 light years from Earth and the nearest star system, Alpha Centauri, is over 4 light-years away.
Page 7: they think the loud music has killed the plants, then realize their mistake: the alarm is keeping it alive. But it’s already been established the plant can’t stand anything but pop songs, and the alarm is on the raucous end of things.
Page 8: Mallory says “You said you oughta run to your family, right? Now’s the time.” I’m thinking there’s an escape pod, they can run to, but it turns out it’s only a bedroom they go to. This is not an escape plan.
Good script, and though the ending works very well, the spaceship has to have a means for the crew to make an emergency evacuation. Disable it if you want, but I think mention has to be made of it.
And for a while there I thought this was going to be a rare happy ending...
Enjoyed the read—another sci-fi/contained horror style but it feels a lot more together. Those early moments spent with the characters gave me a sense of who they were and what they cared about. Makes all the difference when all hell breaks loose if we have a connection to the character.
Criteria was woven into the plot—song actually worked on different levels which was a nice touch.
Dialogue felt forced in places—a little rushed perhaps. Looks like you had trouble making this fit the ten page limit.
Presumably the infirmary is not on the same ship? Too bad that Ill Bill left before he could handover the clearance. You’d think there’d be some kind of protocol in place…
Not my favourite genre, but this was engaging enough to make an impression and I felt some empathy for Rick and Mallory right at the end there so kudos for that. Good work.
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