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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2020 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Customer Support - OWC Moderators: ReneC, Administrator
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Don
Posted: January 24th, 2020, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Customer Support by written by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal)  - Short, Comedy, Absurd - A lonely shipwreck survivor calls for help when his TV goes out. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 18th, 2020, 3:19pm
revised draft
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 7:22am Report to Moderator
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My humble opinion, etc

Ha, this certainly reads as a comedy.  Good dialogue, funny stuff.  Didn’t laugh out loud though.

Your writing is very eye-friendly, so major props. Clearly you’re a very talented writer, I breezed through this.  Not much to add.  I liked it.-A


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LC
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 8:01am Report to Moderator
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So much of this is very good, and cleverly written, and raised a chuckle.
I liked the observations, particularly the on 'hold stuff', but didn't really like Russell actually turning up. Mack's not so much shipwrecked either, as voluntarily out there - with satellite TV? Okay, that's the absurd part of the comedy, I get it. I liked Gene. Your main guy is eighty-four?

I suppose I'm on the fence with the denouement and the final direction the story went. I think quite a few of the scripts I've read so far could have benefited by being five pages, not ten. Jmho.

Inventive, humorous, and unique, despite a few quibbles.
Good job.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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I query the shipwreck aspect, but otherwise this absurdist comedy worked for me.

I've not a lot to offer in terms of advice here as it's clearly a talented writer at work.

Great job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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khamanna
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Mack is a great character. Very vivid and colorful. Same is Russel. I just wish you did more with them.
Shipwrecked - that sounds fun. I know it’s not a literal use in this case - great job.
Not so much to say about the story. I wish it was more sort of.
I know who wrote it, I’ll call you out in the end
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Zack
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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Another really good one.

Everyone can relate to how frustrating automated phone services are. Got some good chuckles from me.

Writing is excellent, an incredibly fast read. Pacing is spot on.

Don't know why, but while reading this, I imagined Mike and Jay from Red Letter Media in these roles. Made it even funnier to me.

Great work here, writer.



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eldave1
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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Well written with a nice premise - something we all relate to.

One problem I had is that you're all over the map timeline wise - we open with a moon landing making us think it's 1969. Next we're in a call center using terminology and references to technology recently invented and then we're listening to a song - Believe it Or Not song - 2005. Then a 1982 song - Jack and Diane - I'm lost on what year this is.

Also seems that you maybe thought the requirements were that you had to include all of the elements into the story (seed, syringe, snake etc) rather than one from each category because some were just shoe-horned in - and actually served as a distraction.

I do like your writing style - nice work overall - but going overboard on the requirements takes a little away from the flow of this.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Britman
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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This was fun. Nicely written and moved a good clip. Ten out of ten, or five out of five, for having the story properly structured around three of the main requirements but as others have said the other requirements felt shoe horned in due to what I’m assuming to be a misunderstanding on the writer’s part. Very good writing on display here though and fun dialogue. Good job!


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Pretty/Dark by James Williams
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AndyJ
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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It was an easy read. I took to be in the future and all that was available was old repeats from the past, like the moon landing. I don't think the music dates matter, I listen to music from different periods as I'm sure many do.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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Well, that was bonkers, but in a good way. I'm not entirely sure what was going on but I enjoyed the read and I admire the originality and creativity of this, great job!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Gum
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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Lol, that was a trip. Trapped somewhere with no one to talk to except the dead, whilst all along there be a dysfunctional society right outside your door… err, wait a ticky; Amazon, Skip the Dishes - there is absolutely no reason to go outside anymore.

I envision the future where you place your food order and not only does it arrive the second you hit send, but they also send someone to ram it down your throat for you; cause getting off our ass to actually open the cartons and spoon it into out own mouths and enjoying it is just way to over indulgent; and what would the neighbors say; “ Oh, they’re so full of self aggrandizement.”

I was thinking, near the end, that Mack was holed up in the hull of the ship and Russel was located somewhere on an upper deck, and by now (perhaps it’s only been a few months of isolation) they’re both just so gone in the head that they truly believe they live in the desert of the real; them having nothing more than a pair of old analog phones connected via a wire and a 9 volt battery to communicate.

Funny stuff.
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Dan_P
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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This one flew by: fast, very funny and the writing's a joy throughout. The only negative for me was that some of the criteria felt really out of place and went nowhere, that's all.

I almost wish it went on longer, I could've easily read another ten pages of this .
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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"A skeleton,GENE,unknown age..." - HA!  That's quite funny!

A TV on a shipwreck, in the Arctic?  Hoping this is a pisser of sorts, as this obviously doesn't make any sense.

OK, so this is not to be taken remotely seriously, and that's all cool and shit, but we do have a 10 page pisser here where very, very little takes place.  It's an easy read, but that's simply because there's so little here.

It's funny, and it's well written for the most part, but is it worth 8 minutes of my time to read and another 5 or so to write this?  Not really.

** 1/2
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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 1:24am Report to Moderator
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It was okay. The writing is nice and clean, the visuals are well thought out and I had a a decent chuckle here and there but it didn't hit my funny bone hard enough.

As I'm reading it I kept thinking maybe Russell is an Angel of some sort and Mack is waiting to get into heaven, but that was clearly reading WAY too much into it. It's just an absurd comedy by the end.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
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Spqr
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Crazy but very good.

Page 1: I initially thought the moon landing video was live, but then the satellite phone came into play, so I knew it wasn’t. I think Mack should complain about the video being the only thing the stinking cable service ever runs.

Page 8: The new scene at the bottom needs a slug line telling us it’s eight days later.

Also, I think Mack needs to explain why he’s never used his satellite phone to call for a rescue.
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