Customer Support by written by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal)  - Short, Comedy, Absurd - A lonely shipwreck survivor calls for help when his TV goes out. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

My humble opinion, etc

Ha, this certainly reads as a comedy.  Good dialogue, funny stuff.  Didn’t laugh out loud though.

Your writing is very eye-friendly, so major props. Clearly you’re a very talented writer, I breezed through this.  Not much to add.  I liked it.-A

So much of this is very good, and cleverly written, and raised a chuckle.
I liked the observations, particularly the on 'hold stuff', but didn't really like Russell actually turning up. Mack's not so much shipwrecked either, as voluntarily out there - with satellite TV? Okay, that's the absurd part of the comedy, I get it. I liked Gene. Your main guy is eighty-four?

I suppose I'm on the fence with the denouement and the final direction the story went. I think quite a few of the scripts I've read so far could have benefited by being five pages, not ten. Jmho.

Inventive, humorous, and unique, despite a few quibbles.
Good job.

I query the shipwreck aspect, but otherwise this absurdist comedy worked for me.

I've not a lot to offer in terms of advice here as it's clearly a talented writer at work.

Great job.

Mack is a great character. Very vivid and colorful. Same is Russel. I just wish you did more with them.
Shipwrecked - that sounds fun. I know it’s not a literal use in this case - great job.
Not so much to say about the story. I wish it was more sort of.
I know who wrote it, I’ll call you out in the end

Another really good one.

Everyone can relate to how frustrating automated phone services are. Got some good chuckles from me.

Writing is excellent, an incredibly fast read. Pacing is spot on.

Don't know why, but while reading this, I imagined Mike and Jay from Red Letter Media in these roles. Made it even funnier to me.

Great work here, writer.

Well written with a nice premise - something we all relate to.

One problem I had is that you're all over the map timeline wise - we open with a moon landing making us think it's 1969. Next we're in a call center using terminology and references to technology recently invented and then we're listening to a song - Believe it Or Not song - 2005. Then a 1982 song - Jack and Diane - I'm lost on what year this is.

Also seems that you maybe thought the requirements were that you had to include all of the elements into the story (seed, syringe, snake etc) rather than one from each category because some were just shoe-horned in - and actually served as a distraction.

I do like your writing style - nice work overall - but going overboard on the requirements takes a little away from the flow of this.

This was fun. Nicely written and moved a good clip. Ten out of ten, or five out of five, for having the story properly structured around three of the main requirements but as others have said the other requirements felt shoe horned in due to what I’m assuming to be a misunderstanding on the writer’s part. Very good writing on display here though and fun dialogue. Good job!

It was an easy read. I took to be in the future and all that was available was old repeats from the past, like the moon landing. I don't think the music dates matter, I listen to music from different periods as I'm sure many do.

Well, that was bonkers, but in a good way. I'm not entirely sure what was going on but I enjoyed the read and I admire the originality and creativity of this, great job!

Lol, that was a trip. Trapped somewhere with no one to talk to except the dead, whilst all along there be a dysfunctional society right outside your door… err, wait a ticky; Amazon, Skip the Dishes - there is absolutely no reason to go outside anymore.

I envision the future where you place your food order and not only does it arrive the second you hit send, but they also send someone to ram it down your throat for you; cause getting off our ass to actually open the cartons and spoon it into out own mouths and enjoying it is just way to over indulgent; and what would the neighbors say; “ Oh, they’re so full of self aggrandizement.”

I was thinking, near the end, that Mack was holed up in the hull of the ship and Russel was located somewhere on an upper deck, and by now (perhaps it’s only been a few months of isolation) they’re both just so gone in the head that they truly believe they live in the desert of the real; them having nothing more than a pair of old analog phones connected via a wire and a 9 volt battery to communicate.

Funny stuff.

This one flew by: fast, very funny and the writing's a joy throughout. The only negative for me was that some of the criteria felt really out of place and went nowhere, that's all.

I almost wish it went on longer, I could've easily read another ten pages of this .

"A skeleton,GENE,unknown age..." - HA!  That's quite funny!

A TV on a shipwreck, in the Arctic?  Hoping this is a pisser of sorts, as this obviously doesn't make any sense.

OK, so this is not to be taken remotely seriously, and that's all cool and shit, but we do have a 10 page pisser here where very, very little takes place.  It's an easy read, but that's simply because there's so little here.

It's funny, and it's well written for the most part, but is it worth 8 minutes of my time to read and another 5 or so to write this?  Not really.

** 1/2

It was okay. The writing is nice and clean, the visuals are well thought out and I had a a decent chuckle here and there but it didn't hit my funny bone hard enough.

As I'm reading it I kept thinking maybe Russell is an Angel of some sort and Mack is waiting to get into heaven, but that was clearly reading WAY too much into it. It's just an absurd comedy by the end.

Crazy but very good.

Page 1: I initially thought the moon landing video was live, but then the satellite phone came into play, so I knew it wasn’t. I think Mack should complain about the video being the only thing the stinking cable service ever runs.

Page 8: The new scene at the bottom needs a slug line telling us it’s eight days later.

Also, I think Mack needs to explain why he’s never used his satellite phone to call for a rescue.

Hello writer

Amusing piece, absurd but enjoyable.

Writing is great, you know what you are doing - I don't think you are gunning for writer's choice with this entry - seems like you wanted to have fun instead, and fun you probably had.

It was fun to read - not sure I would enjoy watching it that much - not unless it was skit as part of a larger anthology of comedy shorts.

Nevertheless, well done

Absolutely LOVE IT! It's just a fun read, not much more I could ask for.
It's easy to imagine this working as a short film. Some things that could change formatting wise but in this case, it works.

Best joke; "Ain’t no fun if there’s no skin in the game.", little jokes like that always get me.

Have to admit, when I saw 'absurd' listed alongside comedy I didn't expect to make it through.  In all, this was pleasantly surprising—put me in mind of Monty Python/SNL.  A clean, breezy read, dialogue didn’t outstay its welcome—short and to the point with a quick back and forth dictating the pace.

As a skit I could see it working on some level—though the characters/comedy could do with punching up to really stand out.  Customer service angle feels a bit familiar, but not a huge issue.

For me it was nicely handled though not laugh out loud funny—but then much depends on the actors timing, body language etc. so maybe it doesn’t matter all that much how the idea ‘reads’ — if that makes sense.  Could well be one to come back to with fresh eyes and without the constraints.

Best of luck.

Steve

Writer,

haha! Good one. I had a lot of fun reading this and it was a welcome change from most of the entries, so good on you there. Nothing to really complain about here. My mother-in-law goes nuts on the cable people and I could never figure out why she always yelling at them. Those people take a lot of shit. Anyway, very good job here. This just might be my favorite so far.

Steve

*** easy edit -- And the writing was light as a breeze. Usually ten pages is daunting for some, but you made it go by real smooth.

A mediocre story but well devised. It's funny to a degree. Maybe it's lacking a punchline? It just kinda ends.

Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  3.5
Characters (1-5) – 4
Dialogue (1-5) – 4
Writing (1-5) – 4
Overall (1-10) – 7.75

You define your piece as "Absurd" and you deliver! Had so much fun reading this. Nicely done!

Thanks for all the comments on my script. Appreciate the reads and the encouragement.

With my mom in the hospital for several weeks now, my life has been on its ear. I had a two hour window to write this, and knew I probably couldn't write a winner in that short of time. So, I decided to just blow off some steam and have a bit of fun.

Anticipating a big ball off bad writing, I decided to go ahead and try and work every single parameter into the script. Because, why not? (Sorry, Dave. It was intentional, if not well-advised.) Hey, if it was going to be bad, it might as well be clever. Bad idea.

Anyway, I had a blast writing it. Sounds like a few of you had fun reading it. So, goal met.

Best,
Paul

Hey, Dude.

Great work for just a two hour effort! One of my favorites of the bunch.

Hope you Mom is doing well.

Quoted from Zack Hey, Dude. Great work for just a two hour effort! One of my favorites of the bunch. Hope you Mom is doing well.

Thanks! Yes, she's turned the corner. So, good news there.

This one's getting made in Sussex, England, which I think is just about the perfect home for this script.

I'll share when it's complete!

Awesome news, congrats!

Thanks, Rene!

Quoted from PKCardinal This one's getting made in Sussex, England, which I think is just about the perfect home for this script. I'll share when it's complete!

Congrats, be great to see what they do with it.

Awesome news!

Great news. It will be interesting to see how such a bonkers (in a good way) screenplay transfers to the screen. Good luck!

Just saw the produced piece. Just as quirky as I had hoped. I'll share when it's made public. For now, it's in a couple of festivals.

I'd share the poster if I was smart enough to figure out how.

Wow, man. You’re rockin and a rollin! Nice!

Quoted from SAC Wow, man. You’re rockin and a rollin! Nice!

I second this!!! Great winning streak you're on, mate. Well deserved!

Quoted from SAC Wow, man. You’re rockin and a rollin! Nice!

Thanks! It's fun to feel a little momentum. And I owe it all to Simplyscripts, as well as every writer on here. Those OWCs... they are the best!

Quoted from Warren I second this!!! Great winning streak you're on, mate. Well deserved!

Thank you! You got a little something going on yourself... and I really think it's going to lead to a super fun part of your life.

Quick update: Customer Support took 3 awards at a festival last night. Best Student Film, Best Student Actor (Massimo Marengo as Russell) and Best Student Direction and Cinematography.

Congratulations to Massimo and Director Bena Jones. Proud of you both.

Congrats, PK.
Assuming there are more festivals to come... Great start!

Quoted from PKCardinal Quick update: Customer Support took 3 awards at a festival last night. Best Student Film, Best Student Actor (Massimo Marengo as Russell) and Best Student Direction and Cinematography. Congratulations to Massimo and Director Bena Jones. Proud of you both.

Awesome!

Here's a link. Enjoy!

https://youtu.be/mNm7-9Enwfw

That was freakin' hilarious.  More than well done and congratulations on the awards!!

Quoted from steven8 That was freakin' hilarious.  More than well done and congratulations on the awards!!

Thanks! So glad you enjoyed it.