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There was a lot of good dialogue in this, but not much of a story. Just two guys talking about death. I'm not sure how they were related to each other. Maybe John was the guy Mark was burying, but even if that were the case, I'm not sure if that would matter.
A goal or obstacles would have been nice. Or something that made us care about either characters. There was non of that. Just two people existing having a conversation.
Give them something to do that advances the story forward while they're talking. Digging a grave wasn't enough.
Ok, since the post isn't overwhelmed with replies, I'll offer my strictly amateur comments.
I wouldn't disagree with anything that's been said/suggested above, but I would like to add... you telegraphed your ending. I'm guessing, you wanted it to be a twist? Anyhow- not too shabby though.-A
"...tenderly float to the ground." - tenderly? Never heard that one, nor do I want to ever again.
"Gravedigger John" and "Gravedigger Mark" - sounds so corny.
We have no ages or any clue how old these 2 buffoons are. And when I use the word buffoon, I'm basing it on how they speak and what they're saying.
Please - PLEASE...turn off CONTINUED on top and bottom of pages. Amateur hour on display.
"loose" - lose - why do so many peeps spell this simple word incorrectly over and over again?
So, 1 of the diggers was actually already dead? They were once friends? I don't get it, but I don't see where you gave any indication, other that when he says, "They didn't even see me".
Dialogue is very, very poor. Nothing reads remotely realistic, and overall this is very dull and uneventful, sorry to say. Not for me.
- Gravediggers talking about death; it's inherently on the nose. Have the characters recognize that, acknowledge it somehow. - Unclear, at this point, what 2020 has to do with anything they're talking about. How has death changed in modern times? If there is a clear way, the script hasn't really set us up for that...
Thoughts:
- Engaging with some fun tricks up its sleeve, but ultimately ends up feeling nothing more than descriptive. I suppose the script takes a side, but it doesn't seem to go beyond describing the two opposing viewpoints that it considers. Best case scenario would be a more visual, physical representation of some of these clashes -- second best, still, would be a story where these views are put to a palpable test of some sort. Not that this script needs to conclude anything, but that it should push its characters to see thing as they previously haven't. Everyone here is static -- expressing fixed viewpoints -- and Mark is explicitly set up as a wiser character who's already changed his mind. - "Someone else raised them" feels like a copout -- the script should speak its mind or leave it out!
A philosophical talk about death among gravediggers could be interesting but I somehow found, while they surely have different perspectives, they however talk alike. I also experienced the script as too non-visual, having too long dialogues with imprecise context. Concept is good. Anyway, I think to know those gravedigger people have pretty specific personalities, which is understandable regarding their position in society, and, I expected much more sarcasm and quirkiness from them. Still good concept as a starting point.
A lot of ideas on display here, with very little story. The lengthy, complex discussions caused me to zone out at certain points. Unsure about what the ultimate takeaway is. There's something in there (a dark, dreary world where "Death Education" exists), you just need to flesh out the story so that it's easier to follow.
“We wrote letters to "Dear Death" and had class tours to cemeteries.”
So, you grew up in Mordor…? Cool. Way less creepier than Fraggle Rock.
This actually reminded me of the movie ‘Mr. Brooks’ with Kevin Costner and William Hurt. If you haven’t seen it, you should… pretty good.
You got a bit of a ‘Dia de los Muertos’ thing going on as well. I could actually visualize how that scene would play out, especially with slow falling snowflakes… magic, or enchanting; even though were surrounded by death. I used to pass by a bone yard in the early morning hours on my way to work in the summer; we’re talking 5:00 am. If I was passing by at just the right moment, there was a brief moment of twilight that would illuminate a thick crawling fog, slowly wafting like an ethereal blanket in and around the headstones; it literally made me feel like I was wandering through a somber dream. Perhaps I was on some of those mornings.
Anyway, somewhat philosophical in your approach to tell an imaginative tale, but I liked it all the same, makes one think for awhile. Writing’s slow and methodical but apt for the scenario. Maybe this idea of an ethereal sidekick was lurking within (hidden) for some time and you just needed the right conduit to express the ideology, or perhaps it was ‘off the cuff’ when the theme was announced. Either way… it works for what it is; a snippet in time..
I found it interesting at first, but I didn't get too much out of it. There's a lot of dialogue - which I don't mind - but it didn't really seem to progress or lead to much in the end. It has a bit of a slow, world-weary tone, which I think is well-fitting, but I'm not entirely sure what you were going for story-wise.
Philosophical debates about death have been done to death.
Page 1: Mark asks John, the dead guy, if he’s afraid of death. What does John have to fear? He’s already on the other side.
Page 2: Mark: “Death is a tragic fault of our world.” If you say something like this, you’d better be prepared to defend it. Otherwise it’s just one of those profound statements that’s empty of meaning. John ignores it, which is probably for the best.
Page 3: Mark is unhappy with the crowd celebrating a death. John tells him to let it go because “They don’t understand.” Understand what? That there’s only one way to mourn? Who are these guys to think their way is the only way?
Nothing happens in this story, just some guys shooting the breeze. Inject some reason for all this talk about death. What if John has been sent back to bring Mark to the other side? Mark doesn’t want to die, so it’s up to John to convince him that it’s not so bad being dead. Not the greatest example, but at least there’s momentum to this story.