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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2020 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Grave - OWC Moderators: ReneC, Administrator
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  Author    Grave - OWC  (currently 1306 views)
Don
Posted: January 24th, 2020, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Grave by A 'C' and two '()'s are just as good - Short, Drama - Two gravediggers face the modern culture of dying and confront it. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Zack
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, writer.

This is actually pretty similar to something I wrote in the past.

Unfortunately, this doesn't quite work for me. The dialog is awkward and hard to follow, not to mention Mark and John both sound indentical.

The actual writing was okay. Nothing great,but no real hang-ups, either. I think I saw what you wanted me to see.

Clean up the dialog, make the characters a little more personal, and I think you'll have a solid little script here.

Good effort.



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Jean-Pierre Chapoteau
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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I write.

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There was a lot of good dialogue in this, but not much of a story. Just two guys talking about death. I'm not sure how they were related to each other. Maybe John was the guy Mark was burying, but even if that were the case, I'm not sure if that would matter.

A goal or obstacles would have been nice. Or something that made us care about either characters. There was non of that. Just two people existing having a conversation.

Give them something to do that advances the story forward while they're talking. Digging a grave wasn't enough.


I DON'T READ REVIEWS BEFORE I REVIEW!!
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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A conversational piece musing on death... okay, but it needs something a little more to stand out from the crowd.

I can't decide if the snow is irrelevant to the plot, it seems irrelevant to their conversation.

Script is well written, reads tight, but ultimately I didn't get anything from it.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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eldave1
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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Okay - stellar premise. Kudos for that. But the dialogue was a problem for me:

a) everyone sounded the same.
b) the kids spoke like they were adults
c) it seemed like speeches rather than conversation in many parts.

Sorry - just didn't do it for me.


Quoted Text
John looks at him sceptically.


skeptically.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, since the post isn't overwhelmed with replies, I'll offer my strictly amateur comments.

I wouldn't disagree with anything that's been said/suggested above, but I would like to add... you telegraphed your ending.  I'm guessing, you wanted it to be a twist? Anyhow- not too shabby though.-A


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
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"...tenderly float to the ground." -     tenderly?  Never heard that one, nor do I want to ever again.

"Gravedigger John" and "Gravedigger Mark" - sounds so corny.

We have no ages or any clue how old these 2 buffoons are.  And when I use the word buffoon, I'm basing it on how they speak and what they're saying.

Please - PLEASE...turn off CONTINUED on top and bottom of pages.  Amateur hour on display.

"loose" - lose - why do so many peeps spell this simple word incorrectly over and over again?

So, 1 of the diggers was actually already dead?  They were once friends?  I don't get it, but I don't see where you gave any indication, other that when he says, "They didn't even see me".

Dialogue is very, very poor.  Nothing reads remotely realistic, and overall this is very dull and uneventful, sorry to say.  Not for me.

**
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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What's wrong with tenderly?

Death ed class? "Dear Death" letters? WTF - is that a thing?

This was awkward and too dull for my taste, I don't really get what it's about.

Well done for entering though


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Heretic
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

- Gravediggers talking about death; it's inherently on the nose. Have the characters recognize that, acknowledge it somehow.
- Unclear, at this point, what 2020 has to do with anything they're talking about. How has death changed in modern times? If there is a clear way, the script hasn't really set us up for that...

Thoughts:

- Engaging with some fun tricks up its sleeve, but ultimately ends up feeling nothing more than descriptive. I suppose the script takes a side, but it doesn't seem to go beyond describing the two opposing viewpoints that it considers. Best case scenario would be a more visual, physical representation of some of these clashes -- second best, still, would be a story where these views are put to a palpable test of some sort. Not that this script needs to conclude anything, but that it should push its characters to see thing as they previously haven't. Everyone here is static -- expressing fixed viewpoints -- and Mark is explicitly set up as a wiser character who's already changed his mind.
- "Someone else raised them" feels like a copout -- the script should speak its mind or leave it out!

Chris
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hello,

A philosophical talk about death among gravediggers could be interesting but I somehow found, while they surely have different perspectives, they however talk alike. I also experienced the script as too non-visual, having too long dialogues with imprecise context. Concept is good. Anyway, I think to know those gravedigger people have pretty specific personalities, which is understandable regarding their position in society, and, I expected much more sarcasm and quirkiness from them. Still good concept as a starting point.



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Bayne
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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A lot of ideas on display here, with very little story. The lengthy, complex discussions caused me to zone out at certain points. Unsure about what the ultimate takeaway is. There's something in there (a dark, dreary world where "Death Education" exists), you just need to flesh out the story so that it's easier to follow.
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Gum
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 12:07am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

“We wrote letters to "Dear Death" and had class tours to cemeteries.”

So, you grew up in Mordor…? Cool. Way less creepier than Fraggle Rock.

This actually reminded me of the movie ‘Mr. Brooks’ with Kevin Costner and William Hurt. If you haven’t seen it, you should… pretty good.

You got a bit of a ‘Dia de los Muertos’ thing going on as well. I could actually visualize how that scene would play out, especially with slow falling snowflakes… magic, or enchanting; even though were surrounded by death. I used to pass by a bone yard in the early morning hours on my way to work in the summer; we’re talking 5:00 am. If I was passing by at just the right moment, there was a brief moment of twilight that would illuminate a thick crawling fog, slowly wafting like an ethereal blanket in and around the headstones; it literally made me feel like I was wandering through a somber dream. Perhaps I was on some of those mornings.

Anyway, somewhat philosophical in your approach to tell an imaginative tale, but I liked it all the same, makes one think for awhile. Writing’s slow and methodical but apt for the scenario. Maybe this idea of an ethereal sidekick was lurking within (hidden) for some time and you just needed the right conduit to express the ideology, or perhaps it was ‘off the cuff’ when the theme was announced. Either way… it works for what it is; a snippet in time..
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Dan_P
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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I found it interesting at first, but I didn't get too much out of it. There's a lot of dialogue - which I don't mind - but it didn't really seem to progress or lead to much in the end. It has a bit of a slow, world-weary tone, which I think is well-fitting, but I'm not entirely sure what you were going for story-wise.
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Britman
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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Not much of a story here and I was losing interest throughout. As others have said your dialogue needs a lot of work.

YOUNG MAN
Sir, you must have misunderstood.
We celebrate out of utmost respect
to our beloved friend. We celebrate
the victory of life over death.

No-one speaks like that.

You have the formatting down so now concentrate on that. Congrats on entering though.


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Pretty/Dark by James Williams
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Spqr
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Philosophical debates about death have been done to death.

Page 1: Mark asks John, the dead guy, if he’s afraid of death. What does John have to fear? He’s already on the other side.

Page 2: Mark: “Death is a tragic fault of our world.” If you say something like this, you’d better be prepared to defend it. Otherwise it’s just one of those profound statements that’s empty of meaning. John ignores it, which is probably for the best.

Page 3: Mark is unhappy with the crowd celebrating a death. John tells him to let it go because “They don’t understand.” Understand what? That there’s only one way to mourn? Who are these guys to think their way is the only way?

Nothing happens in this story, just some guys shooting the breeze. Inject some reason for all this talk about death. What if John has been sent back to bring Mark to the other side? Mark doesn’t want to die, so it’s up to John to convince him that it’s not so bad being dead. Not the greatest example, but at least there’s momentum to this story.
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