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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2020 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Mula Retinta - OWC Moderators: ReneC, Administrator
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  Author    Mula Retinta - OWC  (currently 1207 views)
Don
Posted: January 24th, 2020, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mula Retinta by Chris Lapp - Short, Western - When he stumbles across a dying miner, an unscrupulous prospector sets out to claim the man's fortune as his own.  But first he must contend with the mule it's still attached to. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Britman
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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This was a very nicely written piece. Some great descriptions in there. I felt myself tuning out a little in the first 3-4 pages. Not much going on there, but I got more into it as the pages turned. Not a western fan so that may have caused my interest to wane, but the wonderful writing kept me turning the pages. Good job!


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
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AndyJ
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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Well written, good descriptions.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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This one is well written, evokes the period and location well, good job writer.

Is the mule meant to be the one from Columbian folklore?

The only slight issue is that in a couple of places the narrative confused me and I had to re-read, I think because it was back and forth a little. Minor gripe, probably me.

Otherwise solid entry.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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While I would have preferred some of Gaspar's dialog to be in broken English, andor Bratt having his diaog in English but with a wrylie (in Spanish) because he generally understands what Gaspar is saying. Apart from that minor nitpick, I really think is a well written, solid entry.


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
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I think the writing is very strong, and I think you’ve accomplished everything you were probably trying to do: Nice balance between action/description and dialogue. Not much to add. That said, this was just OK for me.

Ghost


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eldave1
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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Overall, nice job here - cool western vibe.

Strong characters - appropriate, natural dialogue.

The ending didn't quite do it for me - not the bang I was expected or the one foreshadowed by the old fellas panic earlier on.

But - good, clean writing - nice job.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 3:32am Report to Moderator
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Nicely written and a good tale of greed being the undoing of men. I had to re-read a few areas and I found myself drifting in parts, particularly the first 4 pages or so. I think you can trim or get to the action a bit sooner. I’m also a bit perplexed as to why two men are unable to catch a fully laden mule and lose all their clothes as a result but I do appreciate the metaphor.

A solid entry.

-Mark


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 5:51am Report to Moderator
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Writer, you are next on my hitlist - I chose this because of the logline, drew me in.

You gained my interest at the start, lost me a bit in the middle, piqued it again towards the end, but baffled me with the ending.

It's probably because I've had about 8 hours sleep total since Friday morning (Thank you, children) but I have missed something, why are they taking their clothes off to chase the mule? Does the mule have some kind of spell over them?
I googled the legend, a spirit mule that causes storms to knock people from pathways - didn't mention anything about turning people into nudists.

Still, Fairly enjoyable read, good writing - Solid effort.

Good luck to you


Feature

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Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Heretic
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

- Hands down my favourite title.
- Setup to get to our dark friend is a little laborious, though. I feel like we should've found this guy by page 3.
- Don't understand why we're back at the cabin. Gaspar's state is enough foreshadowing -- we don't need him yelling about the mule, especially since the only real drama here is that Bratt doesn't understand the language, which is sort of a cheat anyway.

Thoughts:

- Fun enough. Goes where we expect. Missing the most important thing these stories can have -- the sense that our guy might actually triumph. If we're just watching him with the comfortable detachment of knowing he's gonna die for gold-lust, it's not too engaging. Some spark of possible victory is needed.
- Excellent, clear writing.
- Again, don't understand the return to the cabin. Must be a way to smooth this out so he only sets out on the journey once. We really don't get much from the second back-and-forth that couldn't happen before he sees the mule the first time.

Chris
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PKCardinal
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Writer, you are next on my hitlist - I chose this because of the logline, drew me in.

You gained my interest at the start, lost me a bit in the middle, piqued it again towards the end, but baffled me with the ending.

It's probably because I've had about 8 hours sleep total since Friday morning (Thank you, children) but I have missed something, why are they taking their clothes off to chase the mule? Does the mule have some kind of spell over them?
I googled the legend, a spirit mule that causes storms to knock people from pathways - didn't mention anything about turning people into nudists.

Still, Fairly enjoyable read, good writing - Solid effort.

Good luck to you


Not my script, but wanted to point out that shedding clothes is a classic symptom of hypothermia. Pretty clever use,I thought, of this tendency.

All in all, I enjoyed this script. Descriptions verged on overwritten at times, but never went too far. I too was confused by him ending back at the cabin. And, agree that the ending didn't quite deliver. Still, a fun script.


PaulKWrites.com

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bert
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 11:29am Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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Who the heck is writing a Western?  This is a great set-up.  Excellent, even.

The intrigue started to wane, however, about half-way through.  Not sure when, exactly, but generally around the time they started conversing, I suppose.

This might work better without dialogue; on second thought, maybe with just the single line, "Mula Retinta."

The naked guy was totally eerie, but when Bratt starts stripping down too, it was kind of WTF.

Cheers to PK for clearing up the confusion -- why he knows this, I've no idea -- but I am not sure if this counts as common knowledge.  Was it an add-on to meet the challenge parameters?

I would encourage the author to return to this, and do with it what you will freed from the confines of this specific challenge.  As a whole, the script suggests that you've got the chops to turn it into something even better than it already is.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PKCardinal


Not my script, but wanted to point out that shedding clothes is a classic symptom of hypothermia. Pretty clever use,I thought, of this tendency.

All in all, I enjoyed this script. Descriptions verged on overwritten at times, but never went too far. I too was confused by him ending back at the cabin. And, agree that the ending didn't quite deliver. Still, a fun script.


Well, bugger me lol Thanks PK

https://www.livescience.com/41730-hypothermia-terminal-burrowing-paradoxical-undressing.html

Found this. Also explains why he was digging a hole in the script - I would have gone with some of the more obvious symptoms first (slurred speech, acting like he's drunk, confusion) - maybe he does show these symptoms, can't remember without reading the script again.




Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Spqr
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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I’d read that when you’re freezing to death, you get a feeling of warmth, but I didn’t realize some people got so hot they shed their clothes. A very entertaining script.

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Maurits
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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In terms of writing, definitely the best I read so far. Very suspenseful and not a line of dialogue or action too much.
Story-wise it left something to be desired, though the whole hypothermia aspect has its merits the reveal was a bit unclear. Other than that a damn good read.
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