Hey,

Nice atmospheric script.

It feels like you worked very hard on this script. It's truly a mass of beats, turns and plot development happening here.

The interactions in the cabin worked well, first I thought you keep it a chamber play.

The 'two hundred' yards reference felt a little overstated.

Overall, there was a fine noticeable metaphor of the greed of man following the gold on a trail of blood that eventually only leads to insanity. Good stuff.

Also, the whole story around the mule sounds as if it could be something authentic, like a tale from the gold digger scene.

Enjoyed the ending too.

I liked it. Very good entry.

Good story and it’s obvious that you write super duper well.
Only you left me somehow aggravated coz the story doesn’t unfold up until page 4. And Mylar Retina comes up at the end of page 3. This is a very slow start. Also you offer no characterization, so it’s more of a boring start versus dynamic. You could start slow and have some dialogue, expose your characters and make us wonder what they are in for.
Otherwise you left us hanging and wanting to bail. So the unfolding story stopped mattering.
And the writer of your caliber shouldn’t. I could but we r on vastly different levels.

Anyway, good luck although I don’t see it as a selectee right now.

I enjoyed this - very fine writing, that really evokes a Western atmosphere. The story was intriguing as well. I feel like this could be trimmed a little, as the pace became a little slow somewhere in the middle IMO. Other than that, this was good

Writer,

this didn't do much for me. No real resolution to this story, nothing that was satisfying, at least. Two men dying in the snow does not make for an interesting tale, and you had it set up to be something of interest. So what it becomes then is more a cautionary tale -- lust for gold or something like that, but it doesn't make for an entertaining story. Nice job getting it done, though.

Steve

As a big western fan, you achieved high marks. Loved the story, characters, dialogue, and met the challenge.

One thing really got me though: High Sierras, but each scene was different (e.g. bluff, basin, prairie (wtf?), brush line, creek side). Kind of odd but no deductions.

Nicely done.

Code Fire crackles in a crude stove casting light on a squalid room.

Missing comma. As it reads, the stove is casting the light, not the fire.

Code A slit window set high in the front wall, shuttered against a howling wind.

An unfinished sentence.

Code At a table sits ISAAC BRATT, mid 30s, gaunt, hunched beneath a blanket staring miserably into a bowl of gray broth.

Missing hyphen and yet another missing comma that makes your sentence read funny. The way this reads, a blanket staring miserably into a bowl of gray broth is actually a thing.

This is all on page one.

Code Hearing no more he returns to the broth, steeling himself to finish.

  

OK, so you have an issue with commas. No biggie, I'll just read every lazily-written sentence twice. Why not make my job harder? Not like I've got anything else to do. That is sarcasm, by the way. I'm going to stop mentioning the commas now. I'm still not off page one.

Code The old man mutters in broken Spanish.

Mutters what in broken Spanish? You give a language, this means the words are intelligible. Even if unintelligible, the actor would still need something to work with. Broken Spanish means he adds English words and bastardises the language to a degree. Maybe you meant that he mumbles unintelligibly?


In terms of story, this is probably the best I've read so far. However, I found the writing a chore to read. I skipped much of it, otherwise, I would have stopped reading as the writing is lacklustre. It's going to be interesting to see how the score comes out with this one. For me, anyway.


Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  5
Characters (1-5) – 4
Dialogue (1-5) – 4.5
Writing (1-5) – 1
Overall (1-10) – 7.25

A cleaner read would make this the winning script. As it stands, it's just good.

Thanks for the reads and feedback.  It’s all appreciated.

This is one I plan to come back to.  No idea how yet—not sure it’s got legs as a feature and too chunky budget wise for a short.  Given the notes I’d think to revise the pacing and trim the dialogue.  That said, I’m tempted to flesh it out a bit.  I do like the idea of giving Bratt a better chance at winning out.

Originally, the mule was just supposed to be bad tempered and flighty, but I found a few mule myths that gave it a supernatural slant.  Mula Retinta, ‘the Dark Mule’ seemed most (loosely) fitting with roots that could inform Gaspar’s superstition.

Thanks to PK for picking up on the paradoxical undressing.  That was something I learned about a long time ago.  I never gave it a second thought that it’s not all that well known.  I can appreciate how odd the story must read if you’re not familiar with it.

As for the ending, I wanted there to be a darkly comic undertone to the whole thing.  Not sure that worked.  I thought the idea of the mule leading Bratt in a circle back to the cabin—to meet the same undignified end he’d condemned Gaspar to—was kind of fitting.    

As to the writing, fair enough on the sloppy comma usage.  They’ve never been my strong point.  Time to dig out the grammar book.

Thanks again - all good stuff to work with.

Steve

Quoted from stevemiles Thanks for the reads and feedback.  It’s all appreciated. This is one I plan to come back to.  No idea how yet—not sure it’s got legs as a feature and too chunky budget wise for a short.  Given the notes I’d think to revise the pacing and trim the dialogue.  That said, I’m tempted to flesh it out a bit.  I do like the idea of giving Bratt a better chance at winning out. Originally, the mule was just supposed to be bad tempered and flighty, but I found a few mule myths that gave it a supernatural slant.  Mula Retinta, ‘the Dark Mule’ seemed most (loosely) fitting with roots that could inform Gaspar’s superstition. Thanks to PK for picking up on the paradoxical undressing.  That was something I learned about a long time ago.  I never gave it a second thought that it’s not all that well known.  I can appreciate how odd the story must read if you’re not familiar with it. As for the ending, I wanted there to be a darkly comic undertone to the whole thing.  Not sure that worked.  I thought the idea of the mule leading Bratt in a circle back to the cabin—to meet the same undignified end he’d condemned Gaspar to—was kind of fitting.     As to the writing, fair enough on the sloppy comma usage.  They’ve never been my strong point.  Time to dig out the grammar book. Thanks again - all good stuff to work with. Steve

Best of luck with it - you certainly have a rock solid start

Quoted from bert The naked guy was totally eerie, but when Bratt starts stripping down too, it was kind of WTF. Cheers to PK for clearing up the confusion -- why he knows this, I've no idea -- but I am not sure if this counts as common knowledge.  Was it an add-on to meet the challenge parameters?

A few years back, a well-known reviewer for CNET (James Kim) and his family got lost on the back roads of Oregon. They got stuck in the snow and James decided to try and hike out to find help. The searchers found articles of clothing making a trail through the woods. Everyone thought it was a good sign, that James was leaving a trail intentionally. I remember one expert explained that it was a bad sign. It meant that James was dying of hypothermia, and he was shedding. They found his body not long after. (After finding his family alive.)

That's just always stuck with me. Usually the body's instincts seem to aid survival. But, in this case, the body actually harms itself quite dramatically.

Sad story.

As for this script, I'm glad I was able to help out. I hate it when I try something clever and nobody catches it. I didn't want that to be this script's fate.

It's an odd phenomenon - along with terminal burrowing, which I wasn't familiar with before Matt's link.  I remember reading about P.U. in the Dyatlov Pass incident - an altogether bizarre and largely unexplained tragedy.  But that's a whole other tangent...

Apologies I didn't understand on the first read (Thanks PK for correcting me)