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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2020 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Loyal - OWC Moderators: ReneC, Administrator
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  Author    Loyal - OWC  (currently 1713 views)
Don
Posted: January 24th, 2020, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Loyal by © copyright 2020 - Short, Thriller - Sometimes the only one who truly knows what loyal means is a dog. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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LC
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 4:13am Report to Moderator
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I'm not partaking in this challenge so bear in mind my comments don't count towards voting.

Your writing is top class, you obviously know your stuff and I'll eat my hat if you don't score well...

Apart from a boo-boo here:

He turns toward a RUSTLING noise, reaches down and pets Loyal who
lay at his feet.


And here:

Shirtless, bound with rope, Theo lay in the fetal position on the
floor
.

Again:

Theo lay dying.
Theo lies dying.

Apart from that single word turning the sentences into the wrong tense, it should be 'lies' not 'lays' - and just in case you left the 's' off - ah, I see you didn't...) - I''ll probably bore the pants off you but I'll post my trusty tip regardless cause every writer needs to know the difference.

https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/lay-versus-lie

Sprinkled throughout with some lovely humour. This line (below) made me chuckle, as did Theo's vanity.

FRANK
You’re a good boy. Let daddy do the
dirty work.


The 'pretentious' line was a goody too, actually that whole shovel in the body paragraph, for this and that, and this is for the dog - terrific stuff. Adapt and overcome was a bit of a pretentious line for Frank - thought it belonged more to Theo, but I'm being picky. Suppose the pickup is that Semper Fi - perhaps Frank not being a bad guy as such but maybe falsely imprisoned?

But then:

SPOILERS:

He kills her? Yep.
He kills him.
He's your garden variety homicidal manic.

Hmm... Spoils it a bit for me - storywise.

Ends on a bit of a whimper (sorry), and with a punchline, more than a terrifically satisfying ending and tale of justified revenge, imho.

And, not to labor the point - as a writing exercise (the challenge) it's impressive, effortless writing with very natural dialogue, you evoke great imagery, met the parameters (was there a song, sickness, or storm - oh, yes, Jules was stuck in one... but it brings up the question (least to me) of the likelihood of this being produced which I think all OWCs should have at their core.

Apologies if I sound like I'm damning you with faint praise...
Again, written very, very well.

You'll be up there for sure.

P.S. Great name for a dog.




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LC  -  January 25th, 2020, 4:35am
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Talaat
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. This really is great. Very well written with meaningful dialogue and well developed characters considering the fact that it is only 10 pages long.

The only error I found upon reading this once is: 'Frank's filthy hand pets Royal's big head'
You wrote 'Royal' instead of 'Loyal' but that is just nitpicking.

Hope the others enjoy this one as much as I did
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Bayne
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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The writing and dialogue is solid. Clear visuals. Easy to read.

However, I was not fond of the story, mostly because the characters are extremely unlikable. Theo is presented as materialistic, cruel to animals, and a back-stabber. Frank is presented as a violent sociopath. I couldn't find one likeable quality in either of them, and this is problematic since they are both the focus of the story.

If Theo were presented as a lovable loser, someone we could root for, perhaps it would make for a more enjoyable read.  But as it stands, it's about a bad guy who brutally murders another bad guy and his cheating ex-wife. There is no discernible payoff or takeaway (for me, at least).

I recommend rethinking and/or reworking your characters... add a likeable or admirable quality to one (or both) of them. The story can still pan out the way it does... it just needs some heart beneath the drama.
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AndyJ
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Bayne, Theo could have been more sympathetic and caring towards Loyal. His attempts to be nice, feed him, give him a blanket mean nothing to the dog because he is "Loyal" to Frank. We would then feel sorry for Theo, he tried but failed.


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Gum
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

A sick twisted love triangle gone horribly wrong, at least, that’s what I took away from this.

Just an FYI. Police don’t - and can’t really - bang on a door, ask for ID, then just help themselves into the foyer. No, in fact, if a cop approaches you and asks you to answer a few questions, you have it in your inalienable rights to tell them to ‘go fuck their cap’ (anything you say can AND WILL be used against you in a court of law) even if they don’t arrest you on any charges, you could inadvertently say something that the prosecuting attorney could use to fuck you over if you were previously interviewed by the police (they do write shit down in their little black books)… but people usually don’t out of fear, and, of course what they see on TV and in the movies; people being complacent and all. Where am I going with this?

Well, this IMO could have added a little more backbone to the story, and Theo; being he treats animals with contempt, why not people too, especially authority figures. Then, I would probably just root for Frank a little more, that is, wanting him to serve some form of justice to Theo for banging his wife while he was in the can, and being an all-around arrogant prick. As it stands, I don’t really care Theo was with this dude’s ex, but, seeing him as a piece of shit with no moral compass will pique my interest when he takes a beating.

Outside of that, killing Juliana just seemed wedged in for effect, but, I guess Frank was really pissed off that Theo was living large, and doing so (perhaps) in Franks previous home, one he (Frank) maybe even paid for (no indication of that, unless I missed it), living large while Frank was locked up in the pen eating ass every now and again, or maybe not – cause he’s ex military and probably wouldn't take that shit from no one.

Frank should have let ol’ Loyal piss on Theo’s head too. It would have been so wrong, yet, so right.

Not sure it was intentional, but the cops somewhat reminded me of those two eggheads from Christmas with the Kranks;  played by Cheech Marin and Jake Busey  so that was kind of fun to envision.

Strange and bleak tale of retribution served on a cold night. It’s evident why Frank was locked up, that is… being a psychotic vet and all. Works well for the theme.
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eldave1
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
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The opening text message could have been formatted a bit clearer - that being said - I loved the content of them.

This:


Quoted Text
INT. HOUSE - NIGHT
In the LIVING ROOM, a fireplace fills the open area with warm
light. It extends into the KITCHEN, where Theo empties a can of
dog food into a bowl
.

Is wrong. S/B

INT. HOUSE/LIVING ROOM  - NIGHT

A fireplace fills the open area with warm
light. It extends into the --

KITCHEN

Where Theo empties a can of....


Quoted Text
As Theo takes another step, a pit bull emerges from the shed. It
lunges toward him, barking maniacally


You've already named the dog. So why not --

As Theo takes another step, LOYAL, a pit bull emerges from the shed. It
lunges toward him, barking maniacally...


Quoted Text
Before Theo answers, Edwards enters. Jacob follows, steadies the


Jacobs


Quoted Text
The back door opens, JULES MARKS (30), steps out, careful to
avoid a slush puddle. She closes the door.
As she steps up onto the sidewalk, the Lyft drives away.

Juliana looks over at the SUV in the driveway, cleared of snow
and driveway shoveled out.


Is she Jules or Julianna?

I didn't buy this:


Quoted Text
INT. PATROL CAR - CONTINUOUS
With urgency, Jacobs opens his car door. As he steps out he sees
Frank, in Theo’s shirt, glasses, same hair. Jacobs sees Jules
wildly straddling what looks like Theo, at the front door.
Frank waves, closes the front door. Officer Edwards laughs.
OFFICER EDWARDS
Didn’t know that dweeb had it in
him.
SGT JACOBS
Me neither.


Okay - ten pages - I really loved about 8 of them - some of my favorite pages from the challenge so far. KUDOS.  A couple were - meh - didn't quite buy it - BUT - the stuff I liked I really liked.

Not sure you got all three criteria in - I'll double check.

Logic issue - why would the cops leave after Jules got home????? They were staking the place out to make sure the villain didn't show up - not that she didn't get home.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts

Revision History (1 edits)
eldave1  -  January 26th, 2020, 12:00am
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stevemiles
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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Texting is pretty bland to watch on-screen.  I think you could deliver the same information with Jules’ message about the delay- ‘…another 2 hours etc.’ and between that and later information we’d understand the situation.

Granted, I thought the dog would save the day (being loyal to Jules) and you didn’t take it there which was a surprise—instead it’s loyal to Frank.  But where you did take it didn’t feel all that satisfying and I’m not sure the dog angle played all that much of a part.

Frank’s a monster. And he comes out on top leaving the win to go to an unlikeable and largely unknown character.  Then again, life's unfair like that.  Just leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.  Like duct tape...

Thought the prescription glasses line was a good one though.

Good luck.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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RolandJ
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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From a story standpoint that hits the three criteria it's excellent. Good writing all around. It reminds me of a recent Forensic Files episode with an all-too similar theme.  
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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This was very well written, a few typos here and there but they don't hamper the read at all.

The story is okay but there's no twist or additional drama, I think this could be fixed with at least some attempt from Juliana or Theo to fight back. As it is Frank turns up, does what he wants and leaves, a little too straightforward for me.

So talented writer but I wanted a bit more.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, I liked the premise behind this, but overall, you played it too safe, it was pretty straightforward.  I would have liked to have seen some sort of twist thrown in.  And yeah, Frank and Theo come off as not likable.  Well... at least to me.  I dunno, maybe that was the point.  I'll echo the other's well written.  Overall...believe it or not... I did like it.-A


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 8:34am Report to Moderator
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Hello

Well, I don't like Theo lol I guess I'm not supposed to like him?

Wouldn't the officers want to talk to Jules? It's her ex-husband who has escaped so I would expect them to go and talk to her about it... movie logic maybe, taints the script a little bit.

Writing is great, honestly. Created great vivid pictures in my head, evocative, and you hit the goldilocks zone - top marks.

The story was alright, albeit straightforward (Kinda wanted Theo to have been the ex-husband, played it super clever by swapping out the pictures and getting a fake I.D - would also have given reason for the dog hating Theo - a threat) - but no such twists came.
The taking out of Jules was a bit abrupt as well - I thought he would have savoured that one.

You kept it simple and did it well, so for that reason it will probably be up there - Story-wise though, I think it will fade from memory quickly enough.

Best of luck



Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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khamanna
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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well, snow shovel and storm! You did it and it's a really nice story extremely well written. I couldn't tell by the logline btw, not the best logline at all. But the script is very good.
The only thing - I htink you should tell us what happened to the dog, did Frank take him? And there should be some convo between him and Julianna. Otherwise it feels rushed toward the end. but
Great job!
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Dan_P
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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Really like the writing, dialogue and descriptions here - all good. I didn't know what was going to happen and you surprised me in a couple of places. Only the ending doesn't sit right with me.

SPOILERS
Frank was too much of a psycho to be likeable (not sure, if I was supposed to root for him getting his revenge, though) and Jule's death was too fast to be a gut punch (also not sure, if it was supposed to be one).

Well written and a fun read
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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Well written and easy to follow, meets all the criteria for me. I just found it grim and it kept on getting grimmer as it went along a predictable path. I didn’t feel sympathy for any character, there’s no obvious protagonist which maybe the point, but I felt that all tension was lost because of this. Not for me but that’s a personal thing and I’m sure some will love this.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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