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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2020 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Loyal - OWC Moderators: ReneC, Administrator
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Spqr
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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Well written and things happen, but what was the point? A thug kills a weak guy and a woman we know nothing about. Since the dog’s name is on the title of this script, I guess it’s not surprising the characters aren’t better developed. However, I have a major bone to pick with the writer: why is the bad dog a pit bull? Talk about typecasting. How about playing against type, and making a golden retriever the bad dog? Those bastards have been skating on their good looks for long enough!
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Maurits
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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It's very well written. The only scene that got me was where Jules (or Juliana) gets stabbed in the back. After that Frank wraps her legs around him and goes through the front door. So what the police would see is a man walking out of his house backwards and waving at them. That seems kind of strange.
Maybe you meant it differently and I am just reading it wrong but that part got me.  
Oh well, good story though.
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VaultMan
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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Very vivid. Also reads like an actual story. Looks quite polished. Characters have personality, especially Theo. The dialogue looks natural. There's backstory to these events. Its intense, kept me wanting to read it. Something happens all the time. Ironic twist. Not sure what else is there to say.


Chukcha not reader, Chukcha writer!
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PKCardinal
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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This was extremely well done. Writing was excellent.

My only complaint, and it's a big one for me: the title is the dog's name and the logline promises a story about the dog. But, while important to the first two thirds of the story... the dog has no real role in act three.

If the dog played a more active role in the story's resolution, I think this would be more satisfying. Someone mentioned the dog being more loyal to her than him... that would be a twist... and fulfill the promise of the logline.

There are other ways to take this, of course, but I'd encourage you to rethink the ending.

(Also, the final scene just didn't sit well with me. Can't put my finger on the "why". But, I thought you should know.)

Nicely done.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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VaultMan
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Spqr
Well written and things happen, but what was the point? A thug kills a weak guy and a woman we know nothing about. Since the dog’s name is on the title of this script, I guess it’s not surprising the characters aren’t better developed. However, I have a major bone to pick with the writer: why is the bad dog a pit bull? Talk about typecasting. How about playing against type, and making a golden retriever the bad dog? Those bastards have been skating on their good looks for long enough!


I'd agree with "what was the point?" part, that the story might need to be more original and tell us something relevant, maybe even uncover something in human nature. But I really want to disagree about "typecasting the dog". If it serves the purpose of the story, then sure, the dog can be something more original. But making the dog a golden retriever just for the sake of making something a bit different is pointless. That would be playing around with form, while what we really need these days is new content, saying something new about our time, the people around us. I get it, though, that it might be impossible or even unnecessary to come up with something like that for the sake of this challenge alone. But in general I think that we need to think about content first. I think that's how good stories are made.


Chukcha not reader, Chukcha writer!
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AndyJ
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from VaultMan


But making the dog a golden retriever just for the sake of making something a bit different is pointless. .


I think he/she was being funny and just having a laugh.



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VaultMan
Posted: January 31st, 2020, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AndyJ


I think he/she was being funny and just having a laugh.



Oh, in that case, sorry.


Chukcha not reader, Chukcha writer!
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Britman
Posted: January 31st, 2020, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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This was a deliciously twisted tale. Like others have said, it was a little too safe and although I did get a chuckle out of the cops at the end, I couldn't help but think there's a better ending there somewhere? Food for thought. Enjoyable read though and was excellently written. High marks from me.


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Pretty/Dark by James Williams
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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 31st, 2020, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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Seems the perfect short to watch for somebody looking to get some fantasy revenge on their ex-partner. For me, though, the story is a little lacking in story. The writing is very good aside from the excruciating misuse of 'lay'. If not for that, I would have had to score this a 5 for 'writing'.

Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) – 2
Characters (1-5) – 3.5
Dialogue (1-5) - 3
Writing (1-5) – 4.5
Overall (1-10) – 6.5
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Zack
Posted: January 31st, 2020, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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Really good writing here, but the story didn't really do it for me. Still a really good effort.



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mmmarnie
Posted: February 3rd, 2020, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks so much for the great feedback, everyone. I totally rushed the ending. At the last minute, the dog was supposed to turn on Frank and save Juliana.

At this point, after 4 years of personal turmoil which resulted in not writing, I'm just glad to finish something. These last 2 OWC's have helped get things flowing again. Looking forward to the next one!!!!


boop
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khamanna
Posted: February 3rd, 2020, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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Nice job with this, Marnie! I loved it.
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