Providence by No Title Page - Short, Sci Fi, Dystopian - In the distant future, humans are separated into two tribes. Natives on earth and the other off-world, technologicaly advanced J�k. The J�k control the earth natives the same way a zookeeper does to a wild animal.  The leader of the resistance, separated from his son, misses him dearly. He tasks his right hand to bringing his only son to him. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Er, okay... so the formatting on this one is definitely not standard, at all. I'm not sure what software you are using but you need to address this going forward or people will not treat your scripts seriously. You also need a title page.

I'll make a few formatting suggestions and then move onto the story...

If you say somewhere is a Desert in the scene heading then you don't really need to repeat it in the scene description.

Character introductions, first time you mention a character in a script it should be in CAPS, you do this for Charles but not Philip... be consistent.

Off camera is written as CHARLES (O.C.) most script writing software does this for you.

If you move the characters and action to a new location then it needs a new scene heading, so when the action moves into the car it would be appropriate to have INT. CAR - DAY (or CONT)

This is also largely written in a passive voice, scripts areactive. E.g.  Philip, 14, is waking up in a daze. would be better written as PHILIP, 14, wakes in a daze.

Right, onto story...

I like the dialogue on the first page, it mirrors Philips disorientation and works well.

In a script you have to show us what's happening, it's not like a novel or a short story... so sentences like 'The watchers are locals who've been tasked with "watching" over the population.' don't work as the the viewer no way of knowing this.

Page 5 when you break into the fight sequence, there's no reason to go into all CAPS, it just looks like the script is shouting everything.

From the introduction of the Watcher onwards I found this overly confusing and I'm not clear what happend or more importantly why.

Well done for getting a script in.

Not close to the right format - typos and errors everywhere.

So - there is a lot of learning you need to do.

Imagination - I think you have some - put you need to hone the craft of script writing to let that imagination shine.

Now that's a logline.
Shorten it up, put a squeeze on it, fit it in nutshell. Here's something to think about:

Quoted Text In the distant future, humans are separated into two tribes. Natives on earth and the other off-world, technologicaly advanced J�k. The J�k control the earth natives the same way a zookeeper does to a wild animal.  The leader of the resistance, separated from his son, misses him dearly. He tasks his right hand to bringing his only son to him goes to rescue him.

I added the last bit. But if that's overwritten. I wonder about the rest of the script. Let's what we get:

*No title page. Meh.

p1
Bad formatting; not even at attempt to make it presentable.My guess is a new scribe writing on a Word document or some other platform that doesn't auto format for scripts. But is Philip the name of the desert, or his he a desert(er)? You need a period not a comma after desert.
"We hear" if you simply write "A high pitched sound" we hear it, and you don't need to tell us we hear it.  It's a POV shot to start. Drop that so we can see Phillip's ear bleeding.

" still running on petrol"    I can't see it or know it.

p3 (using PDF pages, as pages are not numbered)

I'm seeing a lot of "show don't tell" My first thought was it was clearly stated removal of the tracking chip causes temporary sameness. Make it more that five minutes, that way, as they are being chased, an opportunity arises where Charles can quickly tell Phillip who the Watchers are.
Wait... Charles has been missing for a year and thought to be dead?  Yey The Watcher also says " The júk have a price on your head." Huh? Just a minute ago Charles had been presumed dead for almost a year. In addition, at attempt to bribe The Watcher is...kind of dumb under these circumstances.

okay...by p5 and 6 I'm out. Really out. Why? BECAUSE EVERY ACTION IS IN CAPS until THE END OF THE PAGE. I'm sorry. Story's been dragging (in part due to bad grammar and part to repeated information) but it's too much of a turn off.  

I'm almost tempted to think it's a piss job,but maybe it's just a new scribe who needs to sharpen some skills and learn formatting.

Ok, Writer

I'll jump on the bandwagon and agree with what other's have said.  But I did finish. I thought your characters sound very similar and the dialogue is expositional.  That said, I do think you have an interesting idea though.

At any rate, it was a bit rough, but the process of molding it into something worthwhile has begun.  Kudos for entering.

Ghost

Very ambitious  for a new writer. It's definitely a short of something so much bigger (hence to elaborate logline?). Anthony gave you a lot of tips and a software program is the first step. Many free options out there.

I'll not repeat what has already been mentioned but was really curious how/why you went to all caps for that sequence. Totally derailed me.

Good attempt, accept the advice and carry on.

Writer,

Seems you have a lot of issues throughout -- no title page, improper formatting, capping character intros, dialogue, punctuation, etc. But do not despair. You got an entry in and took a chance, so good for you. It's a first step, writer. Anyway, you need to read screenplays and here is an excellent place to start. Best of luck, writer.

Steve

As I go:

- We're unclear if these two know one another, and it's odd that Philip doesn't ask. Charles says you lose five minutes max, so we are wondering whether Philip remembers Charles from before those five minutes.
- The Watcher saying out loud that his comms don't work doesn't make sense. This could easily be shown instead -- he's talking, radio fuzz, he breaks off.
- The Watcher is too easily distracted -- this would have more dramatic heft if they found a clever way to distract him, rather than it being a mistake of the Watcher. It's a short piece, and the more times you let your characters display their personality through action and affect the outcome, the more the audience will connect with him.

Thoughts:

- I think the major issue here is that it's not clear what Philip has forgotten and, later, what he remembers. Spending more time on worldbuilding as Philip returns to the cave might help us understand more about why he left, etc.
- The big one is action. Philip doesn't do much. At the end, Philip has been saved at the cost of Charles -- what does that mean for the world and these people? Charles and Philip are different people; they make difference choices and their choices should affect the story in different ways. Very simply, Philip doesn't want to head for the cave, and Charles does -- make that an important fact in the story. Philip refuses and runs in the opposite direction, which is what causes them to get caught by the Watcher. Or Charles loses Philip and cries out for the boy, and it's the noise that brings the Watcher down. Find ways for their *choices* to push the story along.

Overall, fun little YA effort that feels like a piece of a bigger story. Need to differentiate these characters a bit for it to feel more than derivative.

Chris

That logline is not filling me with confidence

Alright, well done for getting an entry in and putting your work out there - always hard to open yourself up to criticism.

Looks like Anthony gives a lot of advice further up, I won't pile on - But I will say that this site, and the people that dwell here, are more than happy to help you out with formatting/style etc.

So, Patrick sent Charles to get his son? Charles dies because of this - Why didn't Patrick go with him? there is mention that there is a price on his head but there is also a price on Charles's head.
Maybe Patrick is more important to this world than Charles - Something you should let us know.

Also, the stakes - What are the stakes if Phillip doesn't get to his dad? - we know the stakes for his dad but I don't know him, don't care much - We need bigger stakes.

Learning to structure and format and string together sentences is easier than learning to fashion a story - But there is potential here storywise, we just need to see a bit more.
There is an interesting world here you have created, but I fear most of it is still in your head and not the page - Build that world up, suck us into it.

Well done for entering

This feels like a small excerpt of a bigger story, and it seems there's information missing, that would help me to understand what's going on. But I like the way it opens and the fast pace you are going for! And, judging by your logline, you've got a worthwhile idea here

Other have made lots of comments and suggestions on the script so I won’t repeat. It’s obvious this is someone new to screenplay writing and that is fine, we all have to start. You have a writer’s imagination and there’s a good tale to be told here. You up the tension from the go with the two guys on the run and there’s a nice sci-fi world you’ve built. The memory loss with the chip is a nice method for creating mystery while allowing you to provide a little exposition for the audience which is a neat trick.

Towards the end, the story loses it’s lustre so I’d work on a more surprising or satisfying ending.

Apart from that, my suggestion is to read lots of produced screenplays to see how it is done, get yourself a free copy of Celtx and keep on writing.

-Mark

Obviously a new writer here. By the third paragraph I knew there was trouble. A desert, Philip, 14?? Sounds like Philip is a 14 year old desert.

NO...(Off Camera)...YES...Charles (O.C.)

Charles runs into the driver's seat?

First kiss fight? LOL...

What's the Juok? Did I miss something??

You "tell" us who the watchers are in the narrative, but how will we know this if we're watching the movie?? SHOW, don't TELL.

You don't have to TELL us Charles knows the Watcher because you SHOWED us.

Why in the world is an entire page in ALL CAPS????

Okay, you have some stuff to learn, but you're in a good place for that. I was into what was going on between Charles and Philip for the first couple pages but after that, your story got buried under bad formatting, and LOTS of errors. Now I can forgive a newbie for formatting issues, lack of descriptions...stuff like that. But what I can't forgive is turning in something riddled with typos, missing punctuation, and grammar mistakes. That's just sloppy and annoying to a person taking the time to read your work and give you notes, when you didn't even take the time to make sure you had a period at the end of every sentence.

Good luck.

A standard escape story that needs an injection of excitement. We never see any of these “juok” just their lackey, The Watcher. They didn’t overcome that much to reach safety.

Page 1: “A desert, Philip, 14...”: “A Desert” goes in the slugline. Philip should be all caps.

Page 2: “CHARLES is behind...” Don’t cap “Charles”.

Still on page 2: last line: “...Charles stop...” Should be “stops”.

Page 3: second line of action: “ A watcher...” Delete this line because you only write what can be seen.
Next action line: “The watchers are...” Delete this line also.

Still on page 3: “Charles is thrown back...” Should be “taken aback”

Page 4: top line: “...close to Charls’s face. “Charles’s”

Still on page 4: THE WATCHER’s second speech: “Your” and “your” should be “You’re” and “you’re”

Still page 4: “The watcher has Philip and Charles tethered to him,” How are they tethered?

Bottom of page 4 to page 5: fix the caps!

Page 6: CHARLES speech: “...can you ride a bike?” Cap “Can”

Page 6: CHARLES second speech: “electric...” Cap “Electric”

Page 6: Description under INT/EXT CAVE - LATER: “...a spec in the distance...” Should be “speck”

Page 6: GUARD’s speech: fix caps

Page 7: “There’s not much...this and more.” Delete. Use dialogue to convey this.

Overall a story that could definitely work as part of a larger narrative, though some of the action could be better explained. For instance, the appearance of the watcher only gets mentioned at the moment before he gets stabbed (which was also a bit unclear with his tongue turning into a knife). If this was important or if the watcher is supposed to strike terror, it would be nice to get a description earlier on. I just imagined a cop on a bike for a while.

I for one like the short action block as they provide somewhat of a shot list, though some might have a problem with this. I think everything else about the formatting has already been said so I leave it at that.

It didn't really give a satisfying end, but would work in a larger context. The backstory is quickly given at the end but I am honestly more interested in how it will continue then what I just read.

Hi writer,

Bummer your logline got all out of whack. Ah well, HTML… what’r ya gonna do.

Ok, I gave it a boo, but didn’t understand what was happening, then it hit me, metaphorically and literally so to speak. Suddenly, a voice came from above and said: “The answer to the riddle lies in the logline”. Ah, that makes sense now, but… why do we have to consider the logline as part of deciphering the script? Why not embed that much needed info into the story?

Anyway, an off-world species has taken control of earth’s inhabitants for reasons not explained, however, it is stipulated that these humans are now somewhat of a slave race, or merely fodder, for perhaps, some nefarious purpose that only the Alien race could truly comprehend.

Humans are tagged, or chipped via some type of transmitter that goes off if tampered with, or removed, and if so, a Watcher – a human in league with the Alien infrastructure – will respond to the beacon indicating the Alien ‘asset’ is attempting to go dark, or covert.

A few things that left me hanging. What agreement do the Watchers and the off-world ‘Keepers’ have that enable the Watchers to remain exempt from whatever agenda the Aliens have in store for the rest of humanity? What secrets do the resistance have over the Aliens that pose them as a threat to the agenda?

Sorry, this would be like walking into  ‘The Terminator’ the moment Kyle Reese finds Sarah Conner and says: “come with me if you want to live”, then skipping ahead to when the Terminator is killed, then skipping ahead to Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines when we first get a glimpse of John Connor: the leader of the resistance, and he says something dark and poetic…  then stares across the vast wasteland that was once earth while gently applying menthol-rub to the nasty scar on his cheek… the end.

I think I understand what you were trying to do, but, perhaps the logistics of the story are so etched into your mind, that you simply wrote down a condensed version under the assumption that everyone who read it would envision what’s inside your head. This scenario I know well… trust me.

I did, however, get the gist of it, and I think you could flesh it out to something even more entertaining if you gave it a few more pages of backstory…  after the OWC, of course.

Best of luck.