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The story did not really provide a satisfying ending, a soldier group trying to gas the Germans, fail and then it just simmers out from there. Personally I would rather see this platoon break into the wine cellar after. the fiasco. In my opinion, the comedy could be played up a bit more seeing as some moments kind of fell flat.
Better to introduce the snow at the outset. First mention was page 3.
The Hague Convention dialogue feels forced—got to be a more natural way to bring the conversation around to it.
Not following the logic about going over the top to finish them off. Wouldn’t the Germans have gas masks too? Or just run away? Gas moves pretty slow.
So the story builds to your big moment which is that the wind changes direction and they’re forced to retreat followed by a quick epilogue of characters we’ve barely spent time with. Would this be an engaging story to sit through? Feels like an anti-climax with little conflict, be it internal or external driving the story.
The writing is solid. Might not be to everyone’s tastes but I don’t mind a little detail given the period setting. WW1 evokes a certain tone so visuals can help paint the picture so to speak.
As for the snake… It was literally thrown in for the sake of it.
Not much to distinguish between characters—everyone sounded much the same. If you come back to this or write something similar, a big part of it is to find a way to make your characters sound distinct. It’s not easy, particularly when writing about a bunch of soldiers but especially necessary if you’re writing comedy.
An interesting setup, but it ultimately fizzled out with no real consequence for any of the characters. To be honest, I didn’t realise this was a comedy until afterwards. That’s not a great sign.
Good luck,
Steve
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
The writing is so passive and dense, it makes it harder to read. I just got really bored with the content. Then I started skipping and it seems they started running away from some yellow smoke. If the writing zinged off the page, I might have been able to follow the story better. Learn more about writing actively. It will help keep your readers interested in the content.
Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care. Story (1-5) – 1 Characters (1-5) – 3 Dialogue (1-5) – 1 Writing (1-5) – 2 Overall (1-10) – 3.5
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Convention of War - OWC
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