SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 2:03am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2020 -  One Week Challenge  ›  On The Beach - OWC Moderators: ReneC, Administrator
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    On The Beach - OWC  (currently 2591 views)
Don
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 12:06am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
On The Beach by Steven Clark (StevenClark)  - Short, Drama - If only life was as simple as a day on the beach. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 1st, 2023, 5:30pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 7:03am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
This might be just me and how I read it, but when I read the opening scene I thought they were an affluent couple, so when it flipped to Doug as a janitor I genuinely thought it was a new character. Maybe something in the first scene to suggest some level of hardship/poverty?

Apart from that, this read quickly and well, it was a poignant drama and the ending wasn't what I thought you'd set up but was still satisfying. But, I'd consider re-ordering the last couple of scenes and leave us with the animated sequence... maybe as a flipbook that he's showing his sister on the beach.

Good job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 23
eldave1
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 11:47am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
A nit - but


Quoted Text
INT. HOUSE, BEDROOM - DAY


s/b

INT. HOUSE/BEDROOM - DAY



Quoted Text
A paintbrush glides along the wall. Light blue is the color.
Then --

An empty crib that looks brand new. A dresser that still has
a tag.


May be just me - but this is a wasted "then". Generally that is kind of reserved for jarring or surprising next actions - for the mundane stuff it's implied.  Hope this makes sense.

Going along, I'm really getting confused timeline wise here - some SUPERS would be helpful - I think we are flashing back to the school but the next thing I know we are at the beach and the baby is born - so that would be forward - anyway - I'm lost.

Okay - done - I like the arc of the story here poignant - but you got to help us out a bit timeline wise - it took a few times through to get my bearings.

All in all a nice effort.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 23
Arundel
Posted: January 25th, 2020, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Las Vegas, Nevada
Posts
265
Posts Per Day
0.15
This was well done in that it met the criteria in a subtle way. The characters and situations seemed believable and the only part that didn't feel as smooth was the dialog between the father and son about planting the apple tree. Nothing wrong with the scene itself just some of the dialog wasn't as strong or convincing as expected. Perhaps it was an honest depiction and we don't know all the answers.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 23
Dan_P
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 9:21am Report to Moderator
New


Location
Bavaria
Posts
64
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hey there!

This was very good. It doesn't try to reinvent the wheel, but I really liked it. The criteria is not only met, but matters within the story. You quickly got me to like the characters and sympathize with their situation - I cared.

Also props to your writing style: it is very visual, I could easily picture everything you wanted me to see. You took the time to add tiny things that really enhanced certain moments for me, like: "Silence save for the twisting of a screw."

There's nothing negative that sticks out to me...

His phone buzzes.

DOUG
Hello?


- Not confusing, but you could mention Doug taking the call.

Good writing, good drama, and a genuine warmth to it - and all of that in ten pages. Well done  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 23
SAC
Posted: January 26th, 2020, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Writer,

Nicely written, quick reading and easy to follow, for me anyway. You seemed to hit all the S's. I agree that the dialogue during the tree planting could be touched up. You captured a sad, and all too real, moment in life and gave it closure as well as hope. The thing that left me scratching my head is exactly whose story this is, the man or the boy? The animation sequence could have served the purposes of both. Anyway, very good effort, writer.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 23
Matthew Taylor
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 9:21am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.89
Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: on a SUNday

Moving on...

I'm not a fan of your writing style - completely subjective - which is not a helpful comment, so not entirely sure why I feel the need to say it. (Writing is solid though, just not my style)

Hmm, this makes me feel heartless but I didn't really feel much with this one - Usually, father/son dramas really get me, this didn't, I wonder why? Maybe because this angle has been done a lot, I'm a little numb to it - Who knows, maybe I am just heartless.

Who is Maggie?

Anyhoo - Complete story, nicely done, a seasoned writer for sure - well done

Matt


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 23
Heretic
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posts
2023
Posts Per Day
0.28
As I go:

- For me, early pages are missing the promise of tension and rising stakes.
- Yeah, takes to page 5 to get a conflict that isn't money troubles -- not in themselves too interesting. I think this needs to come way sooner -- there should be hints of it, of sickness, of death, in the first scene, whether literal or not.

Thoughts:

- Yeah, a sweet little story. But it felt very straightforward -- and simultaneously not focused enough on the sickness and the dream that drive its story. The money troubles stuff doesn't seem to fit.
- Most of all I wasn't sure whose story this is -- it's a story of transmission, a father's hopes for his son realized even though he can't be there to see it, but I'm not sure that the father learned anything through the story and I'm not sure that the son's desire for the beach arose out of any struggle or conflict. I think this story either needs to be about the parents, and ultimately about the mother realizing that her husband is still alive in the dream he has passed on to the child, OR about the child, and about his coming to terms with the death. It feels caught between those two at this point.

Chris
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 23
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 27th, 2020, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1565
Posts Per Day
0.29
Just my two cents - quickly - short but not so sweet.  Loss and sadness seems to be a common theme these days.  Methinks the family dynamic could have been integrated better. Again, easy read, well written, not much to say, just some trivial stuff.  In a nutshell, I enjoyed it.-A


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 23
mmmarnie
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 10:43am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
1085
Posts Per Day
0.22
I liked the story but didn't feel a connection to anyone. I think because you tried to show too much in only 10 pages. Each scene was a quick glimpse, and we were in and out so fast there just wasn't time to care. I did like the idea, and the ending though.

The writing itself could use some work. You're getting the idea a across and I can visualize everything, but it's not smooth.
Example...to me these just doesn't sound smooth..."An  empty  crib  that  looks  brand  new.  A  dresser  that  still  has a  tag." ...that's a lot of words to say new baby furniture...."The  open  window  lets  in  the  sound  of  a  car  pulling  in.  Now the  sound  of  the  house  door  closing,  followed  by  footsteps coming  up  the  stairs." ...again, alot of words to let us know her husband is home.

Good effort though. Best of luck.


boop
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 23
Dreamscale
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



OK, so here we go yet again with a pseudonym that just irks me the wrong way.  I guess it's just me, but you need to understand how these things can start the read on the wrong foot.

Opening Slug - no comma - should be a hyphen.  When you go from biggest to smaller, etc, use hyphens in your Slugs.

The writing style on display here is rather odd to me.  I'm not saying you're a bad writer, but I am saying I bet you're a new or newish writer, and I don't think you've quite found your voice.  At times, you write very well, while at other times, it's messy, long winded, overwritten.  You seem to be trying to write visually, but you're also missing that visualness (how's that for a word?) just by omitting very simple little things.

When I see an actual name for a city, a beach, a restaurant, etc., I look it up.  I see references to what I think are both GA and NY, but without "knowing", I can't know, and if I didn't look anything up, I sure as shit won't know.  Location is important, often very important.  It's important to the reality of what you're writing, as things are very different in NYC than they are in Cave Creek, AZ.  SUPERS can be your friend - don't be afraid to use them.

Understand that when you go back and forth in time, you need to state your character's new age.

Asides can be loved and loathed.  Remember that.  use with caution.

Slugs need to be consistent.  Yours are not.

Your tenses are off every now and then, or just not consistent.  It stands out and hurts the read.

OK, the end.  Story-wise, although nothing remotely new, you did a very good job of emitting emotion, which is very hard to do.  This touched me, and because of that, i have to give you kudos.

Execution-wise, not so great, but the bones are here and this could be turned into an extremely strong script that could be turned into a very strong short.

I don't usually "upgrade" scripts that aren't well written, but I'm gong to here, as I think you deserve it.  Nice work.

****
Logged
e-mail Reply: 10 - 23
khamanna
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Oh, a sad story. A really nice one too. Usually I don’t like something this melodramatic but this one made me truly sad. It’s got to be the way it’s written and this one really well executed. The dialogs, the people - all very well done.
I also think it met all the criteria.
The part where dad fades away was especially poignant.
Only why would he make another baby right after he received the bad news from his doctor?
But I understand you needed this for the purpose of this story.
Anyway, very good job here.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 23
irish eyes
Posted: January 28th, 2020, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1865
Posts Per Day
0.37
A poignant story that's been done before but well executed.

Got a little lost as I was reading based on the time jumps, that's where SUPER comes in but besides it was well written.
Not sure if you needed to have to hardship financially and cancer thrown at the poor guy but I guess you where going for double heartstrings and sometimes it can come off too sentimental.

The change towards animation towards the end for Harold kinda caught me off guard and didn't really work for me as much as him putting on self made space helmet and play pretend in his room. You could even have his Dad help him make it before he passes... as extra incentive.

A solid entry


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 23
Spqr
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
483
Posts Per Day
0.09
Nice story and great execution.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 23
Gum
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
832
Posts Per Day
0.42
Hi writer,

Figured I bump this to catch up on the reads, or comments that is; but then again, the reads seem to be quite lean this go around for all scripts, whatev’s…

Any way, cushy little vignette, like one of those oversized corduroy chairs that seem to swallow you whole, and you don’t want to get out, or can’t for that matter, so you just sit there till it’s absolutely necessary not to.

I like the animated breakaway, it reminded me of ‘Jack and the Cuckoo Clock Heart’ for some reason: I think the ‘paper curls’ coming out of the train as billows of smoke in one of the scenes, and I envisioned the rocket (you scripted here) as doing the same.

It’s got a ‘Beaches’ theme woven throughout, actually, the beach could have been a good bookend for the script; two adult chairs to begin with, then the chair scenario changes throughout the script… just a thought.

I didn’t feel any particular connection with the deceased because the story is just a condensed version of a generic family, a snippet really, so I couldn’t get lost in the moment of emotional gratification from suffering a mild catharsis usually brought on by an epic tragedy. I am drinking an herbal tea with Valerian root in it right now, so being a little more laid back than usual made this read, I don’t know… an appealing quality that cannot be adequately described or expressed, or otherwise… je ne sais quoi.

Best of luck.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 23
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    January 2020 -  One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006