An emotional drama and you manage to fit in a lot of years in a short space. It was very well written, I just felt lost a few times with the jumps. I think a little polish here and there will make it clearer.

I had no idea who Harold was. I had to do a search on the script to figure this out. As he’s mentioned earlier as a baby in dad’s story and then we ‘see’ a fully grown man astronaut in the animated section, I’m not sure the audience will get who he is. In fact, I think they will assume this is Jeremy when he grows up, so there might be confusion.

Not sure who Maggie is. I think she’s the result of that coupling earlier but it could be the mother has a new man in her life? I’m also a bit unsure of the three empty chairs on the beach and why you didn’t tie in the apple tree at the end. These are all minor and can easily be addressed if you so desire.

Not really my cup of tea this script but I do appreciate the talent that went into creating it. I would urge you to get this produced as, honestly, short film festivals lap this type of stuff up and it will perform well on the circuit.  

-Mark

Dreamscale hit the nail on the head with the writing style. It felt like it was trying too hard at times, but I also was not getting clear visuals. eg. Mother-to-be, just write heavily pregnant. The visual is clearer. Story-wise this was a decent, emotional tale even though for a short not much was going on for the first handful of pages. You got 10 minutes to tell a story. Get in late and get out early.

A sad little tale with a bittersweet end.  A welcome change of pace from all the violence and mutilation…

Appreciated the understated approach to the subject matter.  You kept this focused on showing the impending loss and aftermath without slipping into melodrama.  Doug fading away was a clever way to handle his death.

Not sure about the animated sequence.  On one level I like it a lot.  I could see what you were going for but it felt a little out of place sandwiched between those two moments.  It’s almost like there’s two framing devices at play: the storybook and beach memory.  But you couldn’t decide which one to focus the story around so we got a little of both.  I don’t know, maybe it works?

Not sure about the seed planting dialogue—Jeremy seems more curious than sad which didn’t ring true.  That’s what was missing here, a sense of denial/anger that this was happening.  They all seemed so very accepting of the situation which made it all seem so easy—too subtle perhaps?

Kudos for something different.  A breezy read and one of the more accessible shorts of this challenge.  Hopefully one you come back to with a fresh pair of eyes and no parameters.

Good luck,

Steve

Code Light blue is the color.

Of the paintbrush? This image could have been worded far better.

Code An empty crib that looks brand new. A dresser that still has a tag.

The writing here is so matter-of-fact. No sparkle. The attempt earlier with the paintbrush failed.

Code Downstroke of the brush in the hand of CAROLYN...

This is a very awkward sentence.

Code But it can’t hide the glow on her face.

Really? Do women really glow when they're pregnant? What is this, an episode of Friends?

Code DOUG I’m serious. You should always be with child.

This is fucked-up. So, she's only beautiful when 'with child'. What a stupid thing to say. This is trying way too hard. Have you ever actually spent time with a female who is carrying your child before? If so, and you said mad shit like this to her, I'd be surprised to hear she's still around. To me though, it seems you're basing your perceptions off bad TV shows. Like somebody who is just guessing.

Code DOUG (reading to her belly) Among The Stars... Harold always wanted to be an astronaut. Even as a baby he would point to the night sky and make his baby noises. Noises like “coo” and “gurgle...”

If this guy's not a serial killer, this story is bullshit.

Code Water is hosed into a mop bucket. The soapy water rises.

What else would the soapy water be doing? Leave shots like this to the DP. I just find the whole image annoying.

OK, I'm falling asleep. Is something going to happen in this story? Nope, it doesn't like anything does. A boring, soapy drama.

Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  1
Characters (1-5) – 1
Dialogue (1-5) – 1
Writing (1-5) – 2.5
Overall (1-10) – 2.75

Hey all. So, yeah, this script happened. Just a few notes on it, and I'm not making excuses -- some people actually kind of liked it. I wrote this in like five or six days, a little at a time. A page one day, a couple scenes the next. I submitted with ten minutes to deadline and never got a chance to edit and do a rewrite on it. Some have mentioned it reads disjointed and so on, so there's the reason for that.

But thanks to all who did read. I just really wanted to get a script in for this OWC.

Steve

Very concise dialogue, and action lines. You say a lot with few words. very melancholy story but very good. Maybe a false happy ending where we think dad going t pull through, but he dies anyway.

Nukblack,

Thanks for digging this up and welcome to Simply Scripts. I actually had to read the first couple pages to realize it was even me who wrote this! But it’s the title of a Neil Young album so I popped it open and took a look and sure enough it is my story.

Thanks for your kind words. This is a disjointed effort, and one that was mostly going for a vibe more than a cohesive story, but it has its moments I guess. Anyway, thanks for reading!

Steve

Steve, as promised, I’m letting you know that the review for this script has been posted here on the Blog Home page. As I told you previously, it was a pleasure to review this touching short and I wish you much luck with it.

Many thanks also to Libby for her excellent advice and “hand-holding” as she lead me through the writing of my first review and to Don for getting it posted to the site.  

Kathy

Thanks for the review and digging this one up. I’m happy you liked it enough to find it worthy of a review. Don’t know if I can find the original and change it, so the Sir Loyne Berger pseudonym might have to stay.

Steve