Hi writer,

Strange and hollowing tale of psychosis, perhaps brought on by a biological weapon of upper Hollywood-crust inbreeding… or the martini.

I felt like I was walking a tightrope enigma from the pages of Poe’s ‘The Raven’, Hardy’s ‘The Darkling Thrush’, and Beckett’s ‘Endgame’. Then, to finish it off, the stage was set in and amongst ‘Nine Inch Nails’ cinematic vignette of ‘Perfect Drug’.

‘Twas a trippy ride in and amongst the walls of ‘By the Seashore Manor’. Not quite as surreal, fun, and spooktacular as the ‘Haunted Mansion’ ride at Disney, but, surreal, fun, and spooktacular none the less.

Best of luck.

Sometimes it was hard to follow, not sure why. Maybe it's just me. It kind of looks like there is something interesting going on here, but I wasn't able to understand it. So I think that on one hand it is good that you don't spoon-feed the reader-viewer, but it's too vague, at least to me.

I think the text is over-formatted (italics, underlinings).

There's backstory here, which makes it interesting. Genevieve being a nurse is supposed to hint us that she is taking care of her father as a medic, but instead of serving life as a medic should, turns to serving death, if I understood your idea correctly. I'd like to see some sort of condemnation for her doing this, though. Some sign of a punishment to come. It's also interesting she said that her mother is in hell. Well, that's one hell of an insensitive statement.

Solid effort.

Barely made it to page 2 and I keep having to go back to see what I’ve missed.  Who is LENORE?  Have I missed something?  I guess it helps to be familiar with the source material and unfortunately, I’m not, which is the risk you run with an idea like this.

I respect what you were going for and you certainly conjure an atmosphere on the page but I just found myself tuning out of the read.  Lots of quoted passages to the point I couldn’t tell how much of this is your story and how much was Poe’s.  I don't doubt you can write, but without a better understanding of the source this is wasted on a literary heathen like me.

As long as I can follow the story I’m not much fussed over personal style but I don’t understand what sets the italicised action apart from the non?

Good luck.  

How old is Genevieve?

Why the use of italics?

Yeah, this was a real slog. It's far better when these things are modernised rather than mimicking outright. It takes a greater skill, I feel, to make something like this digestible by all. As it stands, it's niche and densely written in a way that means it is for a reader more than a viewer. I enjoyed the old stories of Poe and Lovecraft. However, that was then. This is now. You need to bring something different to the table.

Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  3
Characters (1-5) – 4
Dialogue (1-5) – 4
Writing (1-5) – 3.5
Overall (1-10) – 7.25

Bit late on this one but wanted to comment cause this one stuck with me and just needs a bit more narrative clarity.

First off a comment on the title font. Pendants hate them, but I love an embellished title. It sets the mood and it's becoming more widely acceptable too.

Great opening tone with the cloaked Nightingale Nurse...

Okay, there it is! I was looking for Genevieve's intro. FYI, it got lost there, least for me. I surmise by the end that she's Vincent's daughter and carer, but I think she needs an age. Actually reading again and now realising her prominent role, her intro needs way more prominence. And, I'll add that you might want to think of giving her some opening narration to top the tail at the end.

Whom will come to know as GENEVIEVE.
Whom we will come to know... Hmm, I don't know... I only ever get it right myself half the time. Never an easy one  the ol' whom. The language here fits with the style though,  so -

I'll throw this in anyway:
Whom should be used to refer to the object of a verb or preposition. When in doubt, try this simple trick: If you can replace the word with “he”' or “'she,” use who. If you can replace it with “him” or “her,” use whom. Who should be used to refer to the subject of a sentence.

You've probably been on the trail of that one yourself immediately it was commented on.

Genevieve's pivotal to tie everything together imho and she has some of the best lines.

This is terrific.

That place between sleep and wake,
where you can still remember
dreaming. It’s a worst place to
be when you no longer can sleep
nor dream. The moments we cherish
turns into memories, the things we
desire become wishes, the people
we love turn into strangers.

The only thing I'd personally change is:
That place between sleep and awake
Or: That place between sleeping and waking.
And edit: it'saworst to: the worst.

Overall two things I'm left with. I think there needs to be more cohesiveness re the story to make it more accessible to modern audiences. I think it's a great idea taking old source material and using it as the backbone and inspiration for a script. You've weaved a backstory into what is essentially just a long poem, no easy feat but it does get a bit bogged down in some places so that the flourishes and quotes end up detracting from the emotion which is the central thing you want to impact upon an audience.

Look at what Baz Luhrmann did with Romeo & Juliet.
Look at what Mel Gibson does with Shakespeare and other source material.
Come back, Mel! All is forgiven. Well, he does make a comeback now and then...

Technically I'd like to make a suggestion:
Then hears an ominous SQUAWKING. (An ominous squawking...)
You use preambles/preface some action lines (not all) that I don’t think are necessary, and may actually impede the pace and rhythm.
As her words register, his body stiffens and convulses, (His body stiffens and convulses...)
Just a thought..

Anyway, I'm at risk of banging on too much here.

Not just a tragic romantic tale here but a real gothic horror.
Mom’s dead. We buried
her together two years ago.

Did he kill her deliberately?

Looking forward to hearing from you after the challenge.

This was memorable and extremely atmospheric, Ghostie! Should have known it was you. Really nice work!

Argh!

First off, thanks Kham, and thanks to everyone for their great feedback.  

Yeah, we knew it would be a tough sell, I suppose the question could be "what the hell is going on here."   If it's not compelling to most readers then we missed the mark.  Well I did. Honestly, Andrea wasn't that crazy about this one.  I should have listened.  She's way smarter than me.

Pastiches are hard to pull off.  But I wanted to go outside of my comfort zone.  Thanks again.

Ghost

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Argh! First off, thanks Kham, and thanks to everyone for their great feedback.   Yeah, we knew it would be a tough sell, I suppose the question could be "what the hell is going on here."   If it's not compelling to most readers then we missed the mark.  Well I did. Honestly, Andrea wasn't that crazy about this one.  I should have listened.  She's way smarter than me. Pastiches are hard to pull off.  But I wanted to go outside of my comfort zone.  Thanks again. Ghost

I thought it was pretty solid.  Just a bit more pacing.

Thank ye kindly, Dave.  From both of us. Andrea.