Very interesting story. Would have like more of an explanation as to why depression gets a lot of the old people. Lack of new experiences? Lack of financial wherewithal to experience something new? Boredom with old friends who never die, either?

There's a great concept here hidden beneath what seems to be a rough first draft. A lot of it went over my head and I felt the criteria was shoe-horned in (uses a shovel to make a spot where she can sit for example). Grats on entering though.

Writing is very good, idea is pretty awesome, but it needs more space. You only scratched the surface here and because of that what is here is confusing and feels incomplete.

Hope you expand on it though.

Hi writer,

Succinct futuristic tale of the inherent dangers of immortality. Got a Vanilla Sky thing going on, too.

I’m wondering, in a sense if there would be a myriad of ways to combat the unbearable likeness of being, so to speak. Perhaps virtual realities on demand via the hardware inside the head, or perhaps the ability to hibernate for extended periods of time, until perhaps, a more surreal and novelistic lifestyle presents itself for the slumbering depressed.

The script is short, but not short on the most proper assumptions; who would even want to live more than a century in the same body…? Gets kind of boring after awhile sitting around for but a single winter, let alone a 100+

Leaves me with something to think about after I read Fade Out, especially now, with the ability for humans to upload their consciousness into a mainframe… just around the corner.

And my last read! Only 5 pages too. Great!

Code ...dreadlocks frame her pale face...

Why not just make her black? If you didn't mention pale face, I would have assumed she was black. You specifically avoid that though. I wonder if the colour of her skin will make a difference in the story.

OK, a strange Sci-fi that I ordinarily like. This reminded me a little of Iain M Banks – where one's consciousness is stored in a hard drive until such a time as we choose a new body – if we ever do. Some choose to stay in the HD. Anyway, this wasn't anywhere near as good so falls flat for me. It's trying but doesn't get there.

Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  2
Characters (1-5) – 2
Dialogue (1-5) – 2
Writing (1-5) – 2
Overall (1-10) – 4

Hey you,

thanks for your time and the helpful input.

It's been a throughout comprehensible feedback to me and I soaked it all in and rewrote the script, as Libby and some others suggested. Thanks for the motivation at this point.

Hmmm, not so pleased with the outcome of my rewrite though, honestly :-).  In a sense of that things may have to get worse before they get better.

Ahh SciFi, one day it'll get me...

Not ready!!! Whatever, here's the link:


          Password: Ultimate <-- script link


I hope you'll help me get another script on the "mainboard". At the moment it looks devastating.

Best wishes
Alex

I don't know if I'm allowed to comment as I'm not in this contest. Nevertheless i really enjoyed this. I must admit I had to read twice, but I do that most times anyway. love the AI proposal too.

I thought this gave us decent descriptions and the dialogue was well driven.

Keep going.

My cup of tea, let's say.

But then I'm British.