The Last Flood by Anonymous 16 - Short, Sci Fi - Suffering from terminal depression, Emily Hastings has to decide how to go on. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well written for sure and met the criteria. Especially nice job on character descriptions. Action lines - pretty efficient and I saw everything you wanted me to.

Story wise - just in the middle for me. I had a hard time conjuring up empathy for your protag as I really didn't get to know much about her. I'd gone a couple of more pages on this one perhaps to give us the root of the depression.

Solid writing.

Love the twist starting to appear at the bottom of the first page, nice.

I think there's an element of over-writing on some of the descriptions, but I kinda like it.

The dialogue feels a little stilted though, I'd consider revising and shortening some passages.

There's some grammar and spelling errors that are probably a result of rushing to get it in, but a re-read should fix these.

The ending, hmm not sure and the shipwreck (unlike the other criteria) is entirely tacked on.

Interesting read, some clever elements, not bad.

Huh, not sure what to make of this one. On one hand, it's very well written and very creative, but on the other hand, it totally goes over my head. Reread this twice, still don't get it. And the shipwreck at the end was totally random.

Not a bad effort, but I just didn't get it.

I was challenged with this one. I think I'll reread before writing more...

...reread, yeah, I question many aspects story-wise: Emily, previously Eric, comes back as Emily and is surprised to meet Artemis, an AI, that will grant her the free-will to commit the last flood? What is the CPC? All in all, I think this needs many more pages to make sense for my little mind. Some grammar and punctuation that's easily fixed. It meets criteria, although it seems shoe-horned into the story. Obviously the writer has talent and it's not their first attempt. A lot of thought went into this but I bet they wanted more time.

The concept is clever. I'd love to see it played out on a grander scale. As it sits, it's a bit confusing.

I wish you would have used a couple of pages to give us some background on Emily. The story would be much more powerful if I cared about her, the person... rather than just spending my effort 100% on trying to figure out the setting and setup.

Speaking of setting and setup, every bit of it is cold and mechanical. That's excellent thematically, but left an overall distant impression. And, since it's a story about depression... that may be exactly what you wanted.

Good job overall.

Not a lot of notes to give here,

My comments:

1. The premise was interesting. I have to say though.. not sure I totally got the ending... your title doesn't rock me at all. Wanted something snappier and more memorable.  But what you have works, too.

2. Frankly, I didn't know enough about Emily to care. I wanted more of a glimpse into her soul, I'm just wondering whether you should  add a page or two or sprinkle some back story, or whatever.

These are personal preference, so just food for thought. Again, enjoyable read.-A

Verging on very clever.  I like the SciFi /life insurance angle. I just don't think the story is developed quite as much as it needs to be. At the moment it's a bit like: fill in the gaps. Audiences don't need to be spoonfed or given all of the answers but this is a bit undercooked as is.

I encourage you to expand on this when the challenge is completed - or better still, rewrite it now.

I want to care more about Emily. I need to care if she lives or dies, erases herself etc.
Without your logline mention of depression I'm not sure I would have got that this was the central idea.

A hearse hovers
Bit odd. Perhaps, just a hearse drives up, or is parked, back doors flung open.

let me say, with
all given respect
Suggestion: all due respect.

...is owner
of a life insurance.
I think you need to add the word 'policy' there.

I liked this idea/line:
So, whatever you're going for, do
not kill your backup-mind.

Last time when you were Eric,
you've chosen this scenario. CPC
has a fresh shell just ready for
you, but as usual, it's the free
will that decides. Your will. To
continue a life on planet earth or
end your life on planet earth. If
you want to pass, just open the
door.

This (above) is one of the big revelations in the script but it's written a bit clumsily.

Either: Last time you were here you inhabited the body of Eric.
You chose this scenario.

Or: Last time you were here you chose this scenario.

You're mixing tenses with 'you've chosen', and it muddies the waters.

Anyway, rambling on.
Expand on this idea. The AI not understanding death is great.

The shipwreck appeared a bit odd/shoehorned in.
I dunno, it could work if you add a couple of other absurd set pieces into the mix.

The title doesn't really do much for me. Maybe called it Erasure ?

As I go:

- Calling people "street scum" does not endear me to this script's perspective.
- Could use a bit more description of the environment to set up how different (or not) this world is from our own.

Thoughts:

- A fun sci-fi world that is undercut by a lack of stakes for Emily's decision. David Mamet's prescription: who wants what, why now, and what happens if they don't get it? It's not clear why Emily's story has stakes for her, and it takes place *after* she's made the decision that drives much of the action. She preserves her body, so what causes her to change her mind? It seems that the story cuts away from the confrontation with the AI when, presumably, something happens to change her plans.
- Ultimately it's hard to read Emily when we know so little about the world around her. A brief interaction with others outside the pharmacy might go a long way to helping us understand the context of her decision.
- Again, the term "street scum" is not befitting of creative writing that sees its characters with a clear eye and treats them with respect.

Chris

Read it twice. Don't really understand what's going on at all. I'm guessing it has to do with body replication? The main character, Emily, has a choice of whether or not she wants a new body and repeat her life over again or not. She suffers from depression in each incarnation, correct?

OK, maybe that's it. Enjoyed the scenery, the city at the beginning and the shipwreck. Upon first page I was hoping for an urban street drama. Kind of had a MINORITY REPORT vibe to it.

Writer,

You had some room to play with this I wonder why you didn't go further. You had me on the hook, too, but the shipwreck seemed wedged in. As is, to me, it doesn't make much sense and I wish it would have. Visually I thought this was good. I enjoyed specific parts, writing-wise - when, I think page 2 you ended a sentence with "she walks into a pharmacy," then your next slug was PHARMACY. It may sound trivial, but that was one of the smoothest transitions I've ever seen and it was quite effective. To me, it's the small things, so thank you for that. Story, a bit of a let down.

Steve

This SCREAMS for a SUPER very early on, so understand we're not in Kansas anymore.  Know what I'm saying?  As is, the whole first scene is 1 WTF read after another one.

Uhhhh...I don't get it.  I can fill in the blanks and I can pretty well guess what you were going for, but a filmed version would not play well, as written.

It's too short.  It's too long leading up to Emily's suicide.  What follows just doesn't work.

It's ambitious for sure, but it's a bog old miss for me.

**

This one scores high on the originality for me, it just suffers from the execution. I struggled to figure out entirely what is going on and it really does feel like an existing script that’s had the OWC criteria added on quickly.  

With more work and fleshing out this could be a cool short sci-fi film.

-Mark

Hello writer

Odd sentences and writing, rush job?

This is a complicated Sci-fi world - complicated Sci-fi worlds work well in features as there is plenty of time to set it up, the rules and the history - not so much time in a short, which hinders this.

I have no idea what is going on, I'm lost. Could be me I suppose. I just don't get any of it.

You have imagination though, so will do you well especially in the sci-fi genre.

Best of luck

Very interesting and creative idea. I agree that it would have worked better, if you would have delved deeper and longer into that world. The writing is very sparse and it was an easy, enjoyable read. The ship wreck came out of nowhere, I'm not entirely sure here. With some explanation and more details, though, this could be quite interesting. To me, it looks as if you already have the bigger picture ready in your head - just not on the page, yet  .

Very interesting story. Would have like more of an explanation as to why depression gets a lot of the old people. Lack of new experiences? Lack of financial wherewithal to experience something new? Boredom with old friends who never die, either?

There's a great concept here hidden beneath what seems to be a rough first draft. A lot of it went over my head and I felt the criteria was shoe-horned in (uses a shovel to make a spot where she can sit for example). Grats on entering though.

Writing is very good, idea is pretty awesome, but it needs more space. You only scratched the surface here and because of that what is here is confusing and feels incomplete.

Hope you expand on it though.

Hi writer,

Succinct futuristic tale of the inherent dangers of immortality. Got a Vanilla Sky thing going on, too.

I’m wondering, in a sense if there would be a myriad of ways to combat the unbearable likeness of being, so to speak. Perhaps virtual realities on demand via the hardware inside the head, or perhaps the ability to hibernate for extended periods of time, until perhaps, a more surreal and novelistic lifestyle presents itself for the slumbering depressed.

The script is short, but not short on the most proper assumptions; who would even want to live more than a century in the same body…? Gets kind of boring after awhile sitting around for but a single winter, let alone a 100+

Leaves me with something to think about after I read Fade Out, especially now, with the ability for humans to upload their consciousness into a mainframe… just around the corner.

And my last read! Only 5 pages too. Great!

Code ...dreadlocks frame her pale face...

Why not just make her black? If you didn't mention pale face, I would have assumed she was black. You specifically avoid that though. I wonder if the colour of her skin will make a difference in the story.

OK, a strange Sci-fi that I ordinarily like. This reminded me a little of Iain M Banks – where one's consciousness is stored in a hard drive until such a time as we choose a new body – if we ever do. Some choose to stay in the HD. Anyway, this wasn't anywhere near as good so falls flat for me. It's trying but doesn't get there.

Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  2
Characters (1-5) – 2
Dialogue (1-5) – 2
Writing (1-5) – 2
Overall (1-10) – 4

Hey you,

thanks for your time and the helpful input.

It's been a throughout comprehensible feedback to me and I soaked it all in and rewrote the script, as Libby and some others suggested. Thanks for the motivation at this point.

Hmmm, not so pleased with the outcome of my rewrite though, honestly :-).  In a sense of that things may have to get worse before they get better.

Ahh SciFi, one day it'll get me...

Not ready!!! Whatever, here's the link:


          Password: Ultimate <-- script link


I hope you'll help me get another script on the "mainboard". At the moment it looks devastating.

Best wishes
Alex

I don't know if I'm allowed to comment as I'm not in this contest. Nevertheless i really enjoyed this. I must admit I had to read twice, but I do that most times anyway. love the AI proposal too.

I thought this gave us decent descriptions and the dialogue was well driven.

Keep going.

My cup of tea, let's say.

But then I'm British.