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I knew it was a matter of time before we get PETA involved in some of these stories and the intentions of this story were good but it just didn't fully do it for me in the end.
I knew it was a matter of time before we get PETA involved in some of these stories and the intentions of this story were good but it just didn't fully do it for me in the end.
Pretty clean writing though and a nice effort.
Disagree with the clean writing completely. I don't want to give the writer a lie.
My definition of clean writing refers to grammar, sentence structure, punctuation, etc. In that sense, the script was easy to read. Maybe I should start using "technically clean writing"?
Though the dramatic music threw me off too. I was thinking, like, superhero music when I read that.
My definition of clean writing refers to grammar, sentence structure, punctuation, etc. In that sense, the script was easy to read. Maybe I should start using "technically clean writing"?
Though the dramatic music threw me off too. I was thinking, like, superhero music when I read that.
I understand. I'm still not clear enough either. That's why we're here.
couple technical points: dialog on page 2 hangs; no page numbers.
the story is simple. The twist is a bit predictable for me.
I liked the fact that there's no vegan versus carnivore banter.
Overall, I enjoyed it. Could be deeper, I think but still a fun read. I appreciate the comedic elements, some dialog is pretty funny, like the last line.
A comedy and a very dry script. There doesn't appear to have been much thought towards the location, and it's only virtue of "Jeeves" that we get a sense this is a wealthy household. Too much focus on the dialogue and not enough on building the setting, or contextualising the script.
To be fair, I think you wrote this quick, and wanted to chuck out a joke which had come to you.
This one didn't do anything for me. But, at least you tried. I'm sorry, I really don't have anything else to say about it.
I had the same though as I read it. Stereotyped characters. Only one question: how a wife could hide something to her husband after all these years in any matter?
I see this is by the same author who wrote Farm Girl. Wasn't really enough of a story there to comment on and this is more of the same really. It's not that it was bad, there just really wasn't much to it. Ironically for a script that revolves around meat, there was actually very little meat to this story.
It's like you are providing us with this set up to make us think one thing and then surprise us with a twist at the end. Which ordinarily, would be fine. But since we know what the theme is we know what is coming, so the whole build up feels laboured and forced as the ending is inevitably a let down.
Congrats on completing multiple entries for the challenge though.
I like the excessive tension between parents, could almost hear the soap-opera music in the background to show where the dramatic pause and the exchange of meaningful looks would be. Could easily be filmed.
Techinical: Fade In and Fade Out missing, a few typos PEAT being the most glaring. Good attempt at differentiating dialogue. Hanging dialogue.
Story: No big shakes. Trying to set up rich parents with being well dressed and old-fashioned glasses. Jeeves? Drama was missing on this one. They talk around a significant event and that's the scene I wanted to see. Or the fact that their son doesn't know.
FYI, an old-fashioned glass isn't a description of a glass; it's a style of glass. It appears the author was being very specific about the type of glass being used:
Old-fashioneds are the kind of glass used for brandy and other brown spirits. It's like saying they poured their drink into a cocktail glass or a hurricane glass.
Other than not paying attention to hanging dialogue, I don't really see formatting errors. The PEAT vs PETA is rather unforgivable as a typo since it just shows the author didn't proofread.
Fairly simple and easy to understand story though. Part of what ruins the "surprise" here is that we already know from the challenge what the secret is. Stereotypes aside, having the woman be the carnivore is a bit of a break from form since from a stereotype perspective, the woman is usually the vegan.
Like the others, this story didn't work for me. It was just...there. Formatting was good. Nice clean descriptions. But not enough of a story to be interesting.
Not quite sure about this. There are scripts that are basically setup to the punchline joke, but this one I couldn't even find the punchline. I guess it's the reveal that Kelly is not a vegan? But given the theme of the contest, we already knew it on page 1.
Once again two talking heads, the conflict is not powerful enough. Minimal story.
Sorry, it's just not for me.
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
You have dialogue wrapping over the bottom of the screen. Does this mean you are the same author as the last one I read?
Pg 5 – The dramatic conversation plays out okay, although since the exact subject has be concealed I guess it’s difficult to get that excited about it.
“PEAT members” – This is one of several typos.
Pg 6 – I guess the twist is okay, although it is pretty well sign posted.
Overall I like the dramatic discussion; however for me I’m not sure that the story has anything fresh about it.
FYI, an old-fashioned glass isn't a description of a glass; it's a style of glass. It appears the author was being very specific about the type of glass being used:
He didn't say "Old fashioned glass". He said:
Old fashioned styled glass.
If it was important to him/her, the writer, he would have showed that somehow.
I think it was sloppy writing. Not sloppy for OWC, but if we're into a myriad of rewrites, we'd "call" it because it's dubious for the reader.
That's just it. Many of us might write that without thinking and then in the re-write realize what a doozie!!! That's actually what I was thinking when I read it. George might be right, but I'd like to hear from the writer. I don't think he really meant a special sort of glass since the opening:
Dramatic music plays as...
Had me asking "What's dramatic music?"
The first few words sucked the big banana and thus my opinion on old fashioned style glass is rocketing out there! What a stupid topic. Gotta send in that next stupid short of mine.
I get the feeling that this is a send-up of soap operas. The husband sounded more upset that his wife eats meat than if she had cheated on him.
At least the dialogue didn't have the carnivore vs. vegan usual banter. The husband simply puts up with his wife's "indiscretion" for appearance's sake.
Simple story that was predictable only because we knew the rules of the contest. If we didn't know the rules, I may not have figured out what they were talking about.
I get the feeling that this is a send-up of soap operas. The husband sounded more upset that his wife eats meat than if she had cheated on him.
At least the dialogue didn't have the carnivore vs. vegan usual banter. The husband simply puts up with his wife's "indiscretion" for appearance's sake.
What I'm thinking right now, is that if this serious subject is reduced to banter--
AND IT HAS BEEN
And will be with many of our scripts, then why?
What's the magic ingredient that raises the topic of discussion?
I only spotted two typos and Jeff already pointed them out.
Formatting error by having dialogue continue onto the next page without saying (cont'd) on the next page.
The story and the dialogue would have worked better if we didn't know what this was going to be about, but since I knew it fell very flat and was very dull.
Story was okay. Characters were okay and the dialogue and writing was okay...That's also the problem. Just okay. Like eating tofu vanilla icecream. Add some spice and flavor and it will be more interesting. I'm sure you can do that in a rewrite.
I originally thought there was only one typo, but having read several other scripts, I found that vegan was misspelled as vegen. That would be a typo of ignorance, as I never, never deal with that topic and didn't look up the spelling of it. But to those who said "several typos" please be more specific with yourselves.
Same with "multiple formatting errors." Really? Other than hanging dialogue, where exactly are there multiple formatting errors? Ok, so I should have done a page break there. I know that. I stopped fretting over format a long time ago. Spend more time on story.
As for the story, it was a total send up of a soap opera scene written to mirror a wife cheating on her husband. I thought that would be somewhat amusing considering the most obvious path this challenge would take. I try on these challenges to take a different route, which is why I also did not include the obligatory argument. I also made the wife the carnivore, and she did not convert at the end. She continues to pretend, but she'll fire up the grill later.
And Sandra, my explanation of the glass earlier is spot on. You were hearing from the author. I gave a description of a very specific glass to reflect what kind of alcohol he was most likely pouring in it. You can't see the name of a spirit, but you can see the glass. "Old-Fashioned" is a style of glass, not a description of what it might be.
And dramatic music is written in context. And it is open to interpretation. What kind of dramatic music do YOU think goes over the scene? If you hear superhero music...well, ok. Maybe I could have written "soap opera music" to help with this, but these are just blueprints for filmmakers. If the final director wanted superhero music, all power to him.
But in the end, yes this was only "ok." I wasn't 100% pleased with it, but since there wasn't much story to begin with, it would take some clever dialogue to make it kick. I may take some time at some point to revisit all my OWC scripts...
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OWC - Living the Lie
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