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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - City of Carnivores
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  Author    OWC - City of Carnivores  (currently 2907 views)
pwhitcroft
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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I’m going to make notes as I go along..

Pg 1 – “non-sense” – one word.

“Looks down at the crowd. Speaks into the microphone.” – It might be possible to delete this without losing much.

I like the contentious first page.

Pg 3 – You’ve got the story started quickly and moving along well.

One thing that has occurred to me is that you have not given the reason why vegans are persecuted, perhaps it’ll come later.

Pg 5 – “Adam Gilmore. Butch Gilmore’s son.” – The audience knows this already so perhaps it’s dialogue that could be tightened up.

Pg 6 – “No, I am sorry. It’s not your fault.” – Being quite picky I’d say some of your dialogue is a little formal and perhaps on-the-nose. This is an example of it.

Pg 7 – I like the flow of the story.

“She swallows hard.” – The wording of this could be misleading, perhaps you did it deliberately.

Pg 12 – You’ve got me reading quickly along, so that’s good. I’m not totally sure about them having a press conference when so much still seems uncertain.

Pg 14 – The ending is okay, although I could believe this as being the beginning of a much longer story since it feels like it could carry on from there.

Overall this is a well structured effective story that’s thought provoking.


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James McClung
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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The premise was strange. Original but strange. I'm wondering how diet became such an issue in the first place. One of the better entries so far though. I felt like all the characters behaved as they would if this world were indeed real and there was a general absence of stereotypes I thought. Also the image of torching the fruits and vegetables was pretty intriguing. Not bad.


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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
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This read like a weird Saturday Night Live sketch.  It needs a backstory to explain the vegan/carnivore hatred.  Religous reasons, perhaps.

Or maybe have some new form of animal overpopulating its species, and mankind must eat it to keep it in check.  But the vegans fight this plan.
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: May 26th, 2010, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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Nice one. Things flowed pretty naturally. Good example of showing, not telling the essential conflict of the vegan/carnivore theme. No talking head syndrome here.

Might like to have seen a little more trickery from Zoe; more likely he would have followed her home, given her feminine charms, and Zoe would have more experience running from the carnie cops...

Liked the suspense build up at the dinner table. The dual dialogue worked very well in that instance.

Ending seemed a bit cliched, but overall an enjoyable read.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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