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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - In the Grip of Winter
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  Author    OWC - In the Grip of Winter  (currently 2972 views)
FDiogo
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting one although it had nothing to do with the theme.

I liked the main premise about the dog and I really liked when we suddenly watch Vaughn with Calvin's brain, after we watched what happened with the dog. Final scene could work really well.

What I didn't like were the psychological changes the characters suffered - they weren't developed enough at first and then you just make Vaughn accept what he did and make Calvin depressed about it, just by "slapping your fingers",


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pwhitcroft
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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I’ll make notes as I go..

“Written by a vegetarian” – It’ll be interesting to see what that results in.

Pg 1 – “CALVIN (21) and VAUGHN (30)” - I know it’s a style issue but for me I prefer character intros to be separate and to give me a little information about the characters so that I can get a distinct picture of each in my mind.

Pg 2 – You’ve got this going quickly and the debate they are having raises some interesting dilemmas.

Pg 5 – This might be a little dialogue heavy, but you’ve certainly got drama.

Pg 8 – The ending of this is a strong visual thing. I’m taking it to mean he is slaughtering himself to be eaten by the animals? Perhaps him killing himself so painfully comes a little out of left field for this story. I’m not quite sure that his character up to this point would do this.

Overall this is a solid story that works with some thought provoking questions.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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This one was pretty well written, I actually felt that someone put some effort into this.  I kinda wonder what I would do in that situation, would I be able to eat my dog to survive.  Since I have never been in that situation I'm glad I don't know,  I do think that the script losses a lot of steam after such a powerful opening, but this was a very difficult challenge and I think you did a good job on it.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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This one was pretty well written, I actually felt that someone put some effort into this.  I kinda wonder what I would do in that situation, would I be able to eat my dog to survive.  Since I have never been in that situation I'm glad I don't know,  I do think that the script losses a lot of steam after such a powerful opening, but this was a very difficult challenge and I think you did a good job on it.


I feel that effort was put in here also. It had me considering the situation and if a person even bothers to think about it, you know it has some substance.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad, but certainly could be better IMHO.

There was no real Vegan vs Carnivore thing going on so in my mind, you didn't really hit the challenge. It was a drama however.

I think I would have preferred a drama where one of the brothers, the Vegan, is starving and as he trudges through the woods with his beloved dog as each day goes on, he starts to look more and more to the dog as potential dinner. It's a fact that EVERYONE will do pretty much whatever it takes to survive. It's every living thing's instinct. Even a vegan will eat meat when it comes to survival.

So, not bad, but needs to be kicked up to hit the mark better. Increase the stakes...no pun intended.  


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Not bad, but certainly could be better IMHO.

There was no real Vegan vs Carnivore thing going on so in my mind, you didn't really hit the challenge. It was a drama however.

I think I would have preferred a drama where one of the brothers, the Vegan, is starving and as he trudges through the woods with his beloved dog as each day goes on, he starts to look more and more to the dog as potential dinner. It's a fact that EVERYONE will do pretty much whatever it takes to survive. It's every living thing's instinct. Even a vegan will eat meat when it comes to survival.

So, not bad, but needs to be kicked up to hit the mark better. Increase the stakes...no pun intended.  


Hi guys. Just want you to know I've went through some shit that's really bad shit and as long as someone wasn't threatening to pull out my fingernails, I wouldn't eat meat. If I was some kind of strict vegan that is. I DO eat meat, but not a lot.

With regards to the story:

Again...

It's to the point of torture that you can handle.

For me to tell my story is just too much for me, but just imagine the worst and use your imagination...

This is a really heavy duty question when you think about it.

This is why I study Kabbalah with BB. Right and wrong are subjective. None of us need judge.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Coding Herman
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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This is quite horrifying, and I meant it in a good way.

There are some good dialogue here, but sometimes it's too heavy with them. All of the exposition is done by dialogue: Vaughn is a vet, Elvis is Calvin's friend since he was thirteen, etc. I'm not sure how you can do it visually though, maybe with flashbacks but not sure if that'll work.

I liked the moment where Calvin took over Vaughn's job to cut up Elvis. That was unexpected. Showed how much Calvin loved Elvis.

Near the end, I thought Vaughn will in turn cut up Calvin and eat him. So you caught me there when Vaughn did his gruesome suicide. Gave me the chills.

Very good job here.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 11:52pm Report to Moderator
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Reverse mirror images for the most part.  Calvin cuts up his dog, and Vaughn cuts himself to attrack the wolves.

I think Vaughn's suicide makes sense.  The cold and lack of blood would pretty desenitize him when the wolves finally get him.  Much better fate than being torn to bits while you're fully conscious.
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James McClung
Posted: May 22nd, 2010, 1:55am Report to Moderator
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Thanks to everyone who checked this out. Most comments were on point. My own review was as much a critique of my own work as it was an attempt to throw anyone off so you can, for the most part, refer to it for clarification on themes.

I do have to say that I'm annoyed people said it didn't follow the theme. There is a carnivore and a vegan here. Both their philosophies are explained and an argument does take place. The only real difference here is that the one advocating meat eating is the vegetarian and the one opposing it is the carnivore. Perhaps it was a little understated (I actually didn't differentiate vegan and vegetarian at all) but it's all there. The vegan/vegetarian issue really doesn't make this any less legitimate as far as I'm concerned. So I'm calling shenanigans on y'all!

Also, while a couple of people got the ending, I'd like to say that Vaughn has no intentions of being eaten alive by wolves. Given the cold, his nakedness and the fact that his blood is thinner from the whiskey, he'd be dead far before the wolves got to his body. But indeed, that is the point.

Thanks again! I'll try to return all the reads ASAP.


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