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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - A Dog eats Dog World
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  Author    OWC - A Dog eats Dog World  (currently 2546 views)
Don
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Dog eats Dog World by Anonymous - Short, Drama - A priest tries to convince a young man to stop eating a dog… - pdf, format


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greg
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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It was an honest effort but I felt this one was pretty lackluster.  Isn't the O-zone hole, like, stabilized now?  And unless 200,000 people move to Boston in the next 13 years, overpopulation, I think, is impossible.

Sorry, but the dialogue just wasn't very exciting and overall the story just didn't do it for me.



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Ryan1
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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Not too sure about your twist.  That is, using the twist of another sci-fi classic.  Interesting setting in the church, but I don't think you utilized the atmosphere as much as you could have.
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c m hall
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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Good setting.  The dialogue, unfortunately, seemed so flattened out  by the characters'  weariness that the ending didn't have much impact.  For me.
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MBCgirl
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 11:17pm Report to Moderator
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The story line is pretty dry...nothing happening...even though I think the beginning felt like this would be a fairly good script, it just didn't bring the right "meat" to the table.

Lots of mistakes throughout and my favorite part was the opening description. You did meat the challenge theme, so that was good.


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When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


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khamanna
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
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I understand what you trying to show - the priest tried to convince him, he failed and each went his own way.

It's kind of way too simple. Lacks the story, the conflict.

p2 - "The young man sits at a table facing the priest and eats the roasted animal" - reads better this way, I think.
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Trojan
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 7:54am Report to Moderator
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There wasn't a great deal to the story here and it felt like this might have been a rushed effort. The opening scene of a dilapidated church...3rd script from this challenge describing something as diapidated, is that the buzz word of the month?

On the first page, this reads very awkwardly to me: 'An ANCHORMAN'S VOICE comments flash inserts of different events throughout the world.' The anchorman's speech is a bit off, to the point where I'm tempted to guess English is not your first language. If that's the case, then fair enough. I think the science behind your premise is a bit flawed though and didn't sound feasible. How is the ozone hole going to have a dramatic effect on soil fertility in the next few years? If soil was infertile wouldn't the mid west be one of the places to suffer most? Out near the coast ie. Boston the soil is going to get more water than further inland. And why would the fact that they can't grow food necessitate moving to the mid west? Surely they could still transport food around the country even to places where they can't grow it. And if overpopulation is a huge problem why try and force the whole country's population to move into a smaller central area? I don't get it.

I would advise naming your characters so that it personalises them a bit more. At the moment they just feel very generic. On page 4 when the young man says 'I've heard in China, people kill people to eat each other', it's another example of awkward phrasing.

Overall nothing really happens by the end of the story, there is just some chat between the two but little in the way of conflict or drama. It just left me with a pretty empty feeling because there was no story or characters to invest in. Well done on completing the challenge though.

Cheers,
Tim.
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grademan
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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This one was a little bit clever in that it summarized the priest's faulty reliance on the bishop in two words "S____ G____."

Characters should have names. I've noticed this lack in a couple of entries now.

"He's a small, fat, little man in his early 60's." Classic faux pas in a time rushed OWC entry.

The setting in an old church was good but the dialouge and narrative could be tightened. For example, the "priest realizes it was a dog" should be shown to us via the dog collar, the shape of the carcass...  not just told to us.
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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OooooohKaaaaaaay.  So, I take it this was an honest effort and not a pisser, so I'll try and be gentle and nice and all that crappy stuff.

It didn't work for me at all.  Most of the phrasing is extremely awkward,  Most of the dialogue is pretty bad (the stuff about the kid eating people was just downright odd).  The grammar is simply terrible (for some odd reason, you continually write "the bishop's, using an apostrophe for absolutely no reason at all).  And the story/plot itself, just 1 big old cliche.

I have to agree with an earlier poster that English hopefully isn't your first language.

Have to quote this line, cause it's funnier than fuck - "The young man is now eating the dog's head. The priest cannot help grinning." - Just a really odd passage, first of all.  The fact that it's so passive is also humorous.  But the funniest part about it for me is the last line about the priest grinning as he watches some kid eat a dog's head...WTF?

Why aren't the characters named?  What's with the Soylent Green ref at the end?  Extremely cheesy...

OK, enough.  Sorry for being harsh.  Good job completing this in a week.  Next...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Andrew
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Trojan
There wasn't a great deal to the story here and it felt like this might have been a rushed effort. The opening scene of a dilapidated church...3rd script from this challenge describing something as diapidated, is that the buzz word of the month?


You got to admit that's funny, Tim.

Ultimately, there is nothing to take away from this story. It's a conversation without a conclusion. It feels like there is a loose intent to weave religion into the fray, but the script lacks tension and conflict. We need to see something that makes us want to read on. The characters do not provide anything that challenges, nor takes us to a sense of urgency/surprise. The dialogue needs more focus. As they say: if your character has nothing interesting to say, then don't let him speak.

Andrew


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pwhitcroft
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
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I’ll make notes as I go..

Pg 1 – A stark visual setup. I always find news reports and newspaper inserts a bit devicey, but they work.

“A noise can be heard O.S.” – Too vague. What kind of noise?

Pg 2 – “Sorry. Thought the place was empty.” – For me this is an example of on-the-nose dialogue.

Pg 3 – “How do you manage to survive then?” – This question triggered my “Cannibal Murder” alarm bell, we’ll see if I’m right.

Pg 6 – “SOYLENT GREEN” – This ending was lost on me. I’m going to cure my ignorance by googling it. Okay now I’ve looked it up and it makes sense although perhaps it is a bit out of left field in your script.

Overall I like the visual set up of the church and their chat is interesting. I’m not sure that the TV element of this adds much, it seems like the story could work fine without it.


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stevie
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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POSSIBLE SPOILERS        
**********************************


Ok, WTF? This was going along nicely! i really saw big things for this. Everything was set up for the priest to kill and eat the guy. His description 'small, fat', doesn't that hint that he's been survinving ok? picking off individuals and eating them? That's what came to mind for me anyway. I'm surprised no one else mentions this.

Maybe the author ran out of time in the end and tacked on the Soylent Green ref.
But this has real potential with a decent re-write.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from grademan

Characters should have names. I've noticed this lack in a couple of entries now.



Yes, except in The Magic of Letters. There, The Man is The Man and The Woman is The Woman.

Seriously though, the name you choose is important. I've got The Man and The Woman characters in that series in the making for a reason.

If you have a reason for writing it the way you do, then it's all good. I think it's fun exploring and finding out that reason.  

You guys are such a blast!  

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Coding Herman
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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You can start right inside the church, don't need the exterior scene because your description just repeats what the slugline says.

"The hand of an old man STANDS a remote control..." Why not just put it on the table?

How old is the YOUNG MAN? 18? 27? A 27 year old man is very different from a 18 year old teenager.

Not too much conflict going on between the young man and the priest. Could have more argument between them to make it more interesting.

I didn't understand the ending though. Soylent Green is a movie that shows almost the same thing as you depicted in this script?

Anyway, good effort, but not really for me. Kinda fell flat.


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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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I like this story.  A little ironic addition to the Soylent Green story.
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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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I like this story.  A little ironic addition to the Soylent Green story.
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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First, nice to see a serious effort. Liked the set up in the old church.

No doubt the riots in Boston were pretty sweet. We know how to riot up there. Old School.

The ozone hole isn't the main problem. It's the build up of carbon emissions that, according to some, is causing the green house effect and global climate change, such as the shrinking of the polar ice caps, Iceland, glaciers around the world.

It serves as a good set-up, however, to the dire conditions of the church and the young man (Name, please) desperate enough to eat a dog (without being tied to a chair and the additional benefit of having it barbecued)

The dialogue is alright, though with some awkward moments.

Dying starving or of disease, what's the difference?

Might be rewritten as "Dying of starvation or disease"...

Also "the Bishop's supplies me enough to feed my body", Bishop should be singular with the plural verb.

I don't know why the priest is grinning when the dog's head is eaten. Is he enjoying this display for some reason?

I dug the Soylent Green reference, although I think it would have been more effective at the beginning, as it has more to do with the story setting than any climatic plot point.

A little sparse, but a nice job.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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michel
Posted: May 27th, 2010, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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First of all, thanks fot everyone's comments. It's the second time I try to come back in the course and I guess my English still needs to improve. But I work on it.

To reply to the most numerous remarks:

I didin't give names to my characters just because I think when the names don't show up in the dialog, you don't need them. Especially when they are only two characters. I could name the priest Father McKenzie and the young man Rocky Racoon, but what for? I'm sure you wouldn't mix the priest and the young man...

"Grinning": I should better say "grimacing" That's what I meant...

I didn't rush the end. I wanted to make people think that the priest was going to eat the young man. I set it up that way. The twist with Soylent Green is very simple:

a tribute to a great film

a paradox for people who think they are eating vegetable which in fact is made of human flesh. It was the firts ideao that rang my bell when I first read the topic.

I don't try to find excuses, but I've tried to establish a decent job but like some of SS old generation, I can feel a deep difference with the recent OWC and the old ones. Now people tend to take it much too seriously for a script written in one week. I personally think that no one in these boards are able to write "the" perfect script in this very short time. One week for a short is just time to establish the great lines of your story. (especially when English is not your fisrt language -but that's my problem. I chose from the stat to write in a different language than mine and I have to pay the price with one more handicap. I don't have to. I know...

I'm sorry if I failed again. Hope I'll do better next time if i'll run...

Take care everyone

Michel


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