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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Vegan Fiction
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  Author    OWC - Vegan Fiction  (currently 1292 views)
Don
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Vegan Fiction by Anonymous - Short, Drama - A man discusses his decision to change from carnivore to vegan. - pdf, format


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George Willson
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 8:19am Report to Moderator
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Oy. Well, first of all, congratulations on your recent purchase of Final Draft. We hope you'll learn how to update your title page soon. It's not that complicated. I think we even discussed it in the Screenwriting Class board once.

No one can say you didn't take the challenge seriously. Nope. No one. You achieved a conversation over the vegan lifestyle. And how. I think I might have learned something. Problem was it was a chore to read. You have talking heads and no action. No drama either. It's just a conversation. A tedious conversation/debate over the values of the vegan versus omnivorous lifestyle. Felt like jumping in once or twice.

You've got to watch your spelling. Not stuff the spell checker catches, but things like your and you're and there and their. You also used missed quite a few apostrophes when it came to possessive nouns and contractions.

In addition, when Rex interrupts, you would use a dash at the end of Sharp's dialogue and then immediately start Rex's. You don't need to write "Rex interrupts."

You met the theme, but it was not dramatic at all.


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khamanna
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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You put a lot of thought into your script. The debate made me think, very informative as a matter of fact. Comparison to the carnivore dinosaur was smart.

It's a lot of dialog, I think. Chunks of it. It's hard to imagine them talk, I'd be able to if it was a TV debate.

Angus seemed to angry to turn away and leave like that, I think.
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grademan
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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I learned that "pleather" is faux leather. I do hate to look up words when I am reading but I was curious if it was a typo or not. I thought the characters' names were a hoot. Rex (meaty), Sharp (meaty turned vegan) and Angus (militant meaty).

My recomendation; Whittle the dialogue and give them something to do rather than just talk at a restaurant. Also, turn on your spelling and grammar checkers.

Overall, you gave it a damned good effort but needs some work.
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Andrew
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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It's pretty much all been said, really.

That said, the title was great. Would've been much more apt for the census script, though with its Tarantino undertones of swagger.

You need to imbue your characters with a sense of self. They're all too samey. At times it was hard to know who was saying what. Angus came over with an idle threat - perhaps if you'd ramped up the ante with a scuffle where he acts on his rhetoric it would've been improved immeasurably.

Hard to provide anything helpful in comments without knowing what the author intended to do with it. I'm just not sure to what degree it was supposed to resonate, if at all.

Andrew


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Trojan
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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If you're going to take on Tarantino in a parody then you had better make sure your dialogue is up to scratch. This was more wooden than an Amish furniture store.

The typos and mistakes have been pointed out. To add to that, learn what a question mark is. Use it.

Interesting concept, but you failed to capitalize on it IMO. Good try though.

Cheers,
Tim.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from George Willson
Oy. Well, first of all, congratulations on your recent purchase of Final Draft. We hope you'll learn how to update your title page soon. It's not that complicated. I think we even discussed it in the Screenwriting Class board once.

No one can say you didn't take the challenge seriously. Nope. No one. You achieved a conversation over the vegan lifestyle. And how. I think I might have learned something. Problem was it was a chore to read. You have talking heads and no action. No drama either. It's just a conversation. A tedious conversation/debate over the values of the vegan versus omnivorous lifestyle. Felt like jumping in once or twice.

You've got to watch your spelling. Not stuff the spell checker catches, but things like your and you're and there and their. You also used missed quite a few apostrophes when it came to possessive nouns and contractions.

In addition, when Rex interrupts, you would use a dash at the end of Sharp's dialogue and then immediately start Rex's. You don't need to write "Rex interrupts."

You met the theme, but it was not dramatic at all.


What he said!  

I paid special attention to the fact that you wrote the characters as being Caucasian and African American. At first I was all wooo because I thought it was going to have significance in the script somehow.

Don't write the character's ethnicity unless it matters and a lot of times it does, but don't if it doesn't and do if it does.  

You entered the challenge. Good for you!

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Yeah, have to agree with everyone here.  This one pretty much sucks.

2 (or 3 at times) talking heads.  Long, boring, wooden, preachy cliched dialogue. Horrible punctuation, or lack there of.

Almost had to stop, I was so bored, and that's saying alot based on this batch of OWC scripts.

Good job completing the challenge, but your writing has a long, long way to go.

Sorry.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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screenrider
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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Your other script "PETA" was a hit, IMO.   This one was a miss.  

Nice try, though.  I can tell you put some time and effort into it.
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stevie
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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A good concept this and some great ideas. But I feel it needs a decent re-write to tighten it up.


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greg
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Well, this certainly met the theme; a drama about a vegan and a carnivore discussing business, but unfortunately there's nothing going on in here that made it very exciting or made it stand out.  Who goes up to someone in a coffee shop and just puts a steak in front of them?  Man, I would love for that to happen to me, but I think it's kind of unheard of.  

Tons of dialogue that can be chiseled and lots of typos that need to be fixed.  I will commend you on your effort, though.  Thought was put into this, so good job.


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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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I can't imagine the third man getting so upset over Sharp's decision that he brings over a steak.  This one didn't do it for me.
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Coding Herman
Posted: May 21st, 2010, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry man, another conversation script with minimal action. Don't understand the purpose of Angus. He has the same personality as Rex. Why make a switch-over? It's better to keep Rex and get rid of Angus. Unless Angus turns the story in another direction, which in here he did not, then you need a new character.

Story-wise, nothing to comment on because of again, two talking heads. You need a story around this argument.

Not really for me. Sorry.


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