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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Chinese Take Out
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  Author    OWC - Chinese Take Out  (currently 2596 views)
Don
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Chinese Take Out by Anonymous - Short, Drama - Looking for a good time? A Vegas call girl meets up with a cannibalistic john, or so he thinks. - pdf, format


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screenrider
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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Great title.  Excellent formatting.  Easy read.  Did it cohere to the challenge?  Nah.  
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This one is well done. The only trouble I had with it is the Hollywood style of Sam's dialogue. It's good, but I tire of seeing it in movies and I haven't seen hardly as many as most.

Nevertheless, very good job and one of the tops.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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stevie
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, there's always an odd one in these challenges. This was a mishmash of ideas that kibnd of worked for me.
I liked the analogy of food and sex, that was cool. There wasn't any real vegan/carnovore thing goin' on, though the Chinese bird could be considered a predator.
Interesting ending. Turned it into another genre. Still, a fair effort.


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Ryan1
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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This one was okay.  The guy got his just desserts.  Or, became just desserts.  

Completely out of the bounds of this challenge, however.  It was a quick read, but I'll probably forget this one just as fast.
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greg
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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I liked the different approach you took, but at the end of the day I probably won't remember too much of this one.  I think you could have done without the whole Marcy Denton addition and kept it to the Vegas setting.  It just seemed to throw me off.

Nice effort.


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_ghostwriters
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
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I am a writer first and a critic second.

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Too the writer

Page#4 and 5 watch the spacing issues in your dialogue.  This was written pretty good overall... interesting take on the challenge.  In the grand theme of things, did it meet the challenge, in a roundabout way, I do.  JMO.

Ghostwriter


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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khamanna
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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As soon as I start reading - I remember this one from...(right, or I'm mistaken?) Did you make changes to it? Cuz I commented on it in the past.
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Trojan
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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If this is a story that's been polished to try and fit the theme it's pretty weak IMO. The whole point is to write a new script in a week. I'll wait to see who wrote this before commenting on it.
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grademan
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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I had trouble following this one, A double twist? He was going to eat her but instead she turned him over to another cannibal for cash. Okay, can't say it's much on the challenge. The opening with the man in VO and then on the phone was a bit abrupt to show he was a family guy.

Good job for this OWC.
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Andrew
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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This would've certainly benefited from the additional pages. The story feels like it's been hollowed out a little. The characters just seem to act with no real sense of purpose. They do what drives the plot, but there's no glue for it to work as a whole. Just feels a little incoherent in its current form.

For the large part it was fairly skillfully handled. There was a nice flourish and upturn when she arrives in the hotel room, and that's where the script was at its strongest. That said, avoiding the cliched hotel room/prostitute scenario, whilst retaining the energy gained from their initial exchanges would've given the story a freshness that was missing. Wasn't a fan of the fight. Been done way too many times before, but you boxed yourself in with the chosen scenario, which is another reason a different location would've worked better.

For my money, put them in a different setting, flesh it out more and we have something approaching a decent little short.

Doesn't personally bother me, but the script was woeful in terms of meeting the "theme".

Andrew


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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Love the premise her, but it doesn't fit the theme and genre at all, IMO.

The writing is OK, but could be so much better. Same with the dialogue...in places it sounds great, but in others, it sounds pretty bad.

I don't really get it 100% either.  Why didn't you utilize your page count here?  No reason this ended so quickly without explaining or even setting up this story.

Too bad, cause this could have really been good.  As it is, it's still one of the better ones for sure.

Good effort!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  May 20th, 2010, 5:42pm
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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My guess is that this one of them pisstakes, where the writer, perhaps slightly intoxicated, decided at 11:30 on Friday night to tweak an an old idea and twist/turn/shoe horn it into fitting this challenge.

Perhaps Liz or (yikes) Marcy Denton will be paying a visit next time you pull this kind of diabolical shenanigan. I'd imagine the consequences will be much more, er, delectable, than drunk dialing Freedomworks.

To f*** with Dick Armey is one thing, but to f*** with the OWC? Not recommended.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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I think this script could have been improved if Liz told Marcy something like, "At least this one deserved to be just deserts."  Make it sound like not all johns are abusive.  They certainly weren't in the Mayflower Madam book.

Of course, supplying cannibals with meals could be a rich livelihood.  Especially if Liz steals the johns' wallets and other valuables as a side venture.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 21st, 2010, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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I thought you were doing really well with this until Sam started getting violent. Then it took a turn downhill for me.

Good dialogue and I loved the title.


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