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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - The Lambshank Redemption
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  Author    OWC - The Lambshank Redemption  (currently 2617 views)
Don
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Lambshank Redemption by Anonymous - Short, Drama - With a vegeterian diet unwillingly thrust upon him, a convicted felon is inspired to bust out of prison and seek freedom. - pdf, format


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screenrider
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent spoof.  Excellent.

...you just found your niche.  
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jwent6688
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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As far as pisstakes go, this one made me have to take a piss several times. If they were all this well conceived, They wouldn't be so hard to read. And this was one of my all time favorite movies. Funny shit. Some great on liners... good work here.

James


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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Moving insight into the depth of the human condition, as Pamela Anderson's lower regions are sadly ignored by so many men, with the exceptions of Tommy Lee, Kid Rock and other brave visionarys who look past the mountains to appreciate the valleys, so to speak.

I liked the sense of comic timing set up on the pages...the set up of Cecil on page 5 to the payoff on page 6.

I did get hollered at once for using John Wayne as a character a while back (the prison one), but I guess if you're using Morgan Freeman as Morgan Freeman, that'll work.

So What we've got here is... failure to communicate. Failure to 'preciate the rules. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had 'ere in this OWC, which is the way he wants it... well, he gets it.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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stevie
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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FUCKING BRILLIANT...

If i can hazard a guess, I think an Aussie did this. Unless some of our US and UK friends know about the NZ/sheep joke, then...

Only thing I woulda done diff was have Tim Robbins name instead of Randy.


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Trojan
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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I agree that this was probably written by an Aussie, based on the sheep joke. Unless it's by someone throwing it in intentionally to give that impression.

Another parody, seems like more of a pisstake than a serious entry. There wasn't much in the way of a debate about vegan/carnivore liefestyle here. Maybe a bit ambitious trying to condense a two hour plus movie into a dozen pages, but I guess it works ok if you don't take it too seriously. A decent effort.

Cheers,
Tim.
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c m hall
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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Well crafted but lazy; the cliches in the Shawshank R. are just replaced with other cliches.
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Angry Bear
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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I liked this and I didn't.

I thought it was funny and well written. What I didn't like was that I've seen that movie many many times. It's one of my all time favorites. What I mean by that is that there was no surprise as to where the story was heading and how it would end.

I thought it was clever to have a vegan prison. You should have stuck to that idea and made up your own story. Maybe the prisoners would riot or escape.

I didn't feel this was a drama. It was a comedy.


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grademan
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 8:42am Report to Moderator
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I liked it! A comedy/parody well done. All this from a play on words of Shawshank to Lambshank? Didn't like the ending with the uniform but other than that well written.

Just two questions: 1) is bone really enough to dig thru a concrete wall? 2) If Randy ate the lamb raw, it would be very messy, how do you hide that in a prison?  I know it's a parody...
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khamanna
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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If he could fit through that little hole, made with a bone (!), in a prison (!), a vegan prison (!) - reads funny and stuff like that is never subjective in a comedy. And I really liked the premise!
It was a breeze to read. The only thing - why don't you cast them all for the ultimate reading experience?

I think it is very clever and flows well.

The scene with lamb staring at him in a cell - I wonder if you could cut that one.

Thanks for the fun script!
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greg
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Humorous parody.  

In terms of meeting the challenge this fell quite short.  


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Well, it only makes sense that my last OWC read is yet another pisstake...but  very funny one, IMO.

Like the concept here, like the actual writing, like the dialogue, love the stuff about Pamela and her 2 foot wide hole.

I think it may have dragged a bit in the middle, but it doesn't matter, this is a success, IMO.  Does it meet the challenge?  No way.  Does it try to?  Nope.  Who cares though.

Nice pisser!!!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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pwhitcroft
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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Ill make notes as I go..

Pg 1 Really funny start. Im visualizing intermixed new and ripped off footage.

Pg 4 Im still laughing along. It might be that for a comedy that last scene is a little long.

Pg 7 I like the lamb thing.

Pg 11 My memory of Shawshank is patchy, but with a couple of minor changes these last bits seem unchanged. Im not sure that you could use long stretches without your parody gags inserted and still justify the fair use satire.

Pg 12 Top of the page pay off is great.

Pg 13 The last gag falls a little flat for me, but it works.

Overall this is a really funny parody that I can see working well. I wonder if some of the scenes run a little long for comedic purposes. I guess I should also comment that the vegan/carnivore part feels a bit forced and obviously this is comedy, but if you do it well you get away with it!


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JonnyBoy
Posted: May 21st, 2010, 7:04am Report to Moderator
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As an OWC entry, this is obviously not good. You didn't take it seriously, there's very little actual exchange of dietary philosophy (save a passing conversation between the Warden and Randy), and this is an out-and-out comedy, not a drama.

But.

As a standalone script, this is fantastic. It's not perfect, and I do think the part in Mexico needs either scrapping or rewriting (the "I Googled it" line was the only one that I actively didn't like), but by and large it's very, very funny.

I expect someone will ask you if they can film this in next to no time - maybe they already have. If it's cast well, and shot to a decent standard, then I can easily see this getting hundreds of thousands of hits on Youtube...easily. I love the original film, and I love this parody. I bet lots of other people would, too.

I take my hat off to you, sir (or ma'am).


Guess who's back? Back again?
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Colkurtz8
Posted: May 21st, 2010, 8:32am Report to Moderator
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I loved this, had me laughing throughout. I only watched Shawshank again last week so a lot of lines you lifted are fresh in my head. Great choices in what you included from the original film, really captured the spirit of that while adding your   comedic spin on things. It is a very parody(able) film which you exploited cleverly.

I loved how Randy addressed him as Morgan Freeman a couple of times and the fact that Randy himself was a complete a?shole unlike the hero Tim Robbins had embodied.

Hilarious ending too.

All said and done, I really enjoyed this. Great work.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 21st, 2010, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I never saw Shawshank Redemption; so I guess that's why this one didn't hold much appeal to me.

The part with him having eaten the lamb didn't seem funny to me at all. I just thought: Prisoners in jails aren't allowed to have knives inside their cells.

It was too ridiculous and not ridiculous enough.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Coding Herman
Posted: May 21st, 2010, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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This is f***ing brilliant. I liked the setting, the dialogue, the characters. Writing is very good as well. Oscar material! I loved this........as a joke.


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