Allured by Pii Anttonen (Pii) - Short, Gothic Horror -  An eerie castle, dribbling candles, a lost officer and a bunch of ghosts. You know, the usual stuff. 7 pages, 7 characters, G rating - pdf, format

I was wondering where this was going, thought it was a bit clunky, then that last page.
My eyes opened, and I smiled. Nice. I was concerned about DINNER GUESTS being the stock generic characters, but the reveal of who Franz is was worth it , I think. Could have used a page or two to help him with the revelation, but at least it made sense.
Didn't have much problem with two main characters having names that start with "Fr" as much as I first thought. Some folks might nitpick a bit with you on that though.

===SPOLIERS==
-- So Franz IS the "master" of the castle? "He's been gone for some time" "Served in the war" Seems to be nice clues without being OTN. Great job.

So Franz "returns" every year? This is why I think this needs an extra page or two. At some point he has to 'leave' the castle estate, return a year later with no memory of the place, correct?

More I think about it, I actually like this piece more than I normally would. Probably because I'm giving you points for being clever in a OWC.

Good job overall.

Creative. This is really good. But how does Franz not know about what happened to him?

Hope this helps,
Gabe

SPOILERS BELOW (NOT JUST THE SCRIPT!)


Good story, flopped a little at the end - the twist is great, was used in that Nicole Kidman movie, "The Others", but in this script it needed a bit more of a build up and felt rushed, forced.

The diners' didn't react in a realistic way - some of them knew of the ghost and others did not yet were fine with a dismissive "oh, he comes every year".

So if Freidrich is a ghost too, why the exposition about the master being gone for some time, if Franz IS the master of the house as suggested by darrenjamesseeley (awesome name) he doesnt recognize his home and does that make Friedrich a real person, lying about the real people in the castle?

The characters relationships just need a bit of tightening and consistency.

Otherwise a good story and definitely pulled me in.

I enjoyed this, and didn't see the twist coming, which was interesting. A good and unique ghost story, which is not the easiest thing to come by nowadays.

I found this to be a somewhat slow read but imagine it would film well, it's charmingly atmospheric, and for that reason, memorable.

*Spoilers*

This one was cute - and well written - kudos!  

Honestly, I think you could have gone farther with it.  The ending seemed a bit abrupt, there could have been more tension.  More lead in.  

Having the young woman shush Franz was a very cute touch.  I also like his old fashion reaction to her, appropriate for the times (ie: he didn't immediately start salivating and try to ravish her.)  

Two quick questions/criticism on it, though:

1) Franz's equipment blew away?  Light weaponry they issued back then, I guess.  
2) Why would the old man tell him that they were the only two there.  Wouldn't he know that would confused poor, deceased Franz?

But cute story - and a very fun character.  Embellish it a bit, and it'll be even better.

This script adheres to the literal version of the OWC rules.
Typo in the very first sentence. Ouch.
Second time on page one you’ve misspelled “through”.
Lack of proofreading does not excite me to read your work.
Usual assortment of ghostly atmosphere with a clever twist.
It’s been done in a feature, but you handled it pretty well.
Though, I don’t get why Friedrich lied about the people.
Why not tell the truth about “others” appearing?
Thanks for playing OWC.

Regards,
E.D.

This was a nice little read. I should put you in detention for the typos though.  

The logline was a bit too casual for me. "the usual stuff" thing had me wondering if I should bother. I don't want "the usual stuff"; so don't write that kind of thing.

Is this ghost misunderstood? I think yes, implicitly, but I think we need to know "why" he comes around every time this year.

I think since you mean this to be a humorous piece, you could easily start this with V.O. and create it as fashioned more for children. Amp up that vibe like:

WONKY NARRATOR(V.O)
Looong ago and far away...

Type of thing...

WONKY  NARRATOR(V.O.)
And people thought him crazy to keep
returning every year. Same time.
Same place. What's his deal anyway?

**And show the flashback of what is causing him to return.

Your story goes along and then:

In the end, the people seem to think he's whacked, but:

We learn, he's just a ghost that's terribly misunderstood.

So yes, I think you need to work that angle.

Great job for the OWC.

Sandra

I liked this one.  I didn't see the twist coming.  It all seemed a little cliché for the most part but once it ended, I found myself enjoying the read.  Well done.

Good effort. I won't harp on the typos too much, just be aware that if your pages have spelling and grammar mistakes they work against you, no matter how tolerant the reader. If your story is kick-ass it's less of a problem, but that's not the case here, sorry to say.

I did enjoy reading the twist at the end, you pulled it off well. The thing that's really missing from the rest of the script is conflict. Everything is just too easy, it makes the twist fall a little flat. You need to raise the tension at the start so the pay-off of the twist realizes its full potential.

I was really enjoying this. The classic haunted house vibe, the eerie butler.

But just as I was really getting into it, it just ended. It sorted of worked, but was basically a watered down version of the Others.

Don't know what to suggest to really improve it, feels like the start of something interesting, but it never went anywhere for long enough for me to suggest a possible direction.

Hello Richard, if that is who you are?

Fun read and enjoyed it. The first comment I wrote was cheesy, as the set up was like that, but of course it was meant to be.

The twist was good, and as another has said it reminded me of " the others", but well played.

In essence I would say you have more opportunity with this and it could do with being longer. Milk it.

Nice early reveal in the returning soldier.

Rather than happy dining guests, who seem at ease with a ghost walking in and then debating what was wrong about that, I think you could play the two off each other for laughs.

Well done.

All the best.

Sweet twist.

Not bad for a weeks worth, fit the challenge pretty well. Felt the dialog was a bit hokey though. fun twist at the end, gave me a chuckle. I do prefer more horror in my horror, but nothing wrong with going a bit lighter, more variety the better i guess. Good job on finishing the OWC.

several typos in here, including missing question marks, misspellings, etc.

i was enjoying this up one until the ending. i liked the tone of it (it was somewhat comical), but, as others have mentioned, it's been done before. you even mimicked the solider coming home from the others. that right there kind of killed it for me.

would definitely heighten the suspense and lengthen it. and try to add your own unique spin to it.

I didn't see the twist coming and enjoyed it when it happened.  This was an enjoyable read and I think the author should give it a rewrite after the OWC.  Address some of the questions posed by the previous readers and you'll have a very good script.


Phil

Good news is that I read the entire script.  bad news is that it didn't do anything for me.

I see zero horror here.  Dialogue sounds ao far from authentic...almost like it was written by a child.

Lots of mistakes throughout the script, in terms of grammar, typos, misspellings, punctuation.  No ages given for the characters, some unfilmables, some awkward phrasings.

As for the twist?  Yeah, it comes off as a surprise, but it seems to be handled as a joke, and is misleading based on the conversations between Franz and Friedrich.  So, it doesn't work for me, sorry to say.

I have to agree with some of the other reviews here. It was cute and I did have a laugh out loud moment when the woman turned to shush him in bed.

The situation is right out of "The Others" and it did cross my mind as I was reading this.

Some of the dialogue is strange and disjointed.

There is quite a bit missing technically that could use fixing and adding.

Congrats on finishing the challenge.

John

Pretty cool little story. Could use some polishing, but pretty cool.

Sorry I don't have more to offer. Not much more needed here. This story accomplished what it set out to. Could maybe be lengthened a little.

The purgatory comment worked really well with the twist, especially for those that are a fan of irony. Very well done on that, very well.

This is not Gothic Horror.

I didn`t take it serious after your logline.
Typo on 1st line did not help and few more mistakes on a 7 page script shows signs of laziness.
I saw it all before not only from "The Others"
and for some reason the ending was not a surprise to me.

Still you got a script out on OWC and for that I applaud

Well, I had a smile on my face at the ending.  That's an accomplishment.

I had never seen 'The Others', so you caught me offguard.  Another accomplishment.

You have a misunderstood ghost.  (Well, misunderstood to us, but evidently not to the real life diners.)  So another accomplishment there.

I don't think there was any horror in the story, though.  Suspense, maybe.  But no horror.

And because the story was told so lighthanded, and with what I think was purposely cheesy dialogue, it kind of lost the gothic atmosphere, even though you have a gothic-type setting.

I'm a little confused as to why Friedrich said there was nobody else in the house.  Can't wait to see the writer's total explanation of the story, as some of it was baffling.  A woman sleeping in her bed while having dinner guests over?

Though I may have been smiling at the end, there were just too many holes in this one for me to feel satisfied.

- Mark

Good read, but a tight one... Very crammed pack.  Typos are a given in this setting... I'm not expecting anything but a rough 1st draft, if that out of these OWC's.  It was a nice script with good atmosphere.  Had some jive dialogue in it (by jive I mean so so), but it was held together pretty well.  I think the ending, albeit abrupt, makes the whole thing worth while to be honest.  I'd like to see something like this, maybe in flash animation or something.  I think it could be really cool with exaggerated characters and such...

This was well written and a very enjoyable read.  Like others, I feel you could go further with this, expand the story and add more tension.

The negatives I felt after reading it have all been mentioned by other readers, so I won't bother repeating them, but they didn't detract from my enjoyment of the story.

Tighten up the dialogue, correct the typos and fix the plot holes, and you could have a really good little script on your hands.

A light-hearted tale.  This one had its moments, but also had some logic issues.  Franz is able to test the firmness of the bed, but his hand passes right through the sleeping girl?  Friedrich's connection to Franz was also a little muddled.  Is Franz the one-time Master of the castle who returns every year?

I have to say I didn't buy any of the living person's reactions to the ghost.  The young woman who simply shushes him away.  Then the "Male diner" who wants to know what the deal was with Franz, only to be told he's a ghost.  Then goes back to eating.

The twist was familiar, and revealed through a chunk of dialogue.  Although, it's a misdirection twist that usually works.  It kinda did here, too.  Not bad for a week's time.

P1 - trough should be through. You do it twice on the same page.

You need to work on not repeating certain words so much in close proximity. Lines like “rubs his hands to keep his hands warm” would read better if you wrote “rubs his hands to keep them warm.”

Drabby should just be drab. I’m going to stop noting spelling and grammar problems here. This needs to be proofread.

The ghost shushing him made me think of Ghostbusters.

This was just okay for me. Not bad but not particularly a standout. I liked it up until the twist, which really doesn’t make sense.

Overall, it had its moments but it needs some work. Good luck.


Breanne

I thought this started out really well.  You got the period - sort of reminded me of the old Jack Nicholson/Roger Corman movie The Terror.  Then you kind of injected some comedy into it, and I was "Oh well, this has become a comedy".   Then the twist, though it was good, seemed anachronistic compared to the rest of the script and I was disappointed.

So, I think you need to decide what genre you're writing.  Then decide exactly what the story is - I don't think you have a full story here.  And then write it again.  

Good work for a week.

ALLURED
by
Richard Pennybrock III

Pg. 1 no seemingly
PG. 2 need time frame and not continuous
Pg. 4 fabric rustled nearby no very needed
Pg. 4 no contd on Franz dialogue
Pg. 4 INT. CORRIDOR (time frame)
Pg.  4 INT. GUEST CHAMBERS (TIME FRAME)
Pg. 5 um excuse me
Pg. 7 eliminate carefully
Pg. 7 INT. DINNER HALL ( time frame)

Good story and interesting twist. Good work
I am new to screenwriting so any of my suggestions and comments please hold at a novice level, good work and thanks.

Getting a Dracula: Prince Of Darkness vibe from 1st 3 pages...
Franz could be more animated when his hand passes through the woman.
Loved the ending!

I really liked this one. So much so it's one of my favs.

Just really enjoyed it, the pages turned quickly, the story developed well, the writing was clear and just said what needed to be said, and it had a nice twist that I didn't see coming at all. What can be better than that?

Good job, very entertaining.

Locations & Sets  -  Castle at cliffside, EXT. (likely CGI), large door w/ knocker, castle hall, corridor, guest bedroom, servant's quarters, dining hall
Actors  -  FRANZ (30), FRIEDRICH (70),  YOUNG WOMAN (20), Aristocracy dinner party, MALE DINER #1, MALE DINER #2, FEMALE DINER #1, FEMALE DINER #2
Costumes  -  Austrian infantry uniform, drabby servant's uniform, nightgown, aristocracy ghosts evening attire
Props  -  Scads of covered furnishings, two lanterns, bed
Audio FX  -  clothes rustling, little feet running, children laughing, thumping, dinner party
Visual FX -  hands through young ghost woman, aristocracy ghosts
Other -  going to need extra lights for that dining hall scene
Comments  -  Very good. (almost) rated G, indeed. PG or sure. An unmarried woman in bed with a unmarried man in live action rather than cartoon may cause issue even though she's a "ghost". Sets and period uniforms are going to really add to cost. I wonder if this could also work as a contemporary setting, say at an "off season or abandoned" state park lodge?

Hahahhaha.  That was a funny twist.   I was wondering where this was going but in the end it was short and sweet.  I think some work can be done to better focus Franz, even if done very subtly.  I think he just needs a tad more.

But this was really good.  Enjoyed it a lot.

Nice job.

Greg

I like it. The twist may not have been the most original, but I thought you were able to make a nice, pleasant, ghostly tale fit into just a few pages wonderfully.

Typos were a little rough.

I'm even more amused about the lady in the bed with him now, as she was apparently just a person who was probably like, "Goodness ghost, chill out and let me sleep!"

Good stuff.

I like the story and the the twist is alright. But the dialogue is weak. I appreciate you trying, but to write in that "tone" is difficult. You repeat a lot, which is annoying.

I really don't care about the typos though. But i'm from Denmark so i guess i don't pick up on them as much as others.

One thing i didn't "get": Was the butler also a ghost?

I liked this one, although I think you could tighten up the action lines a bit. And the two characters with 'Fr' names was pretty frustrating.

Overall, good job I enjoyed the read, and didn't see the twist coming. It's a fresh take on the idea of a ghost being 'misunderstood'

My sincerest gratitude to everyone who commented on this. I knew I was entering with a pretty lackluster effort since horror really does not interest me a bit. But since I got an idea and thought that it'd be rude not to enter after my previous one won, I decided to give it a go anyway. I'm actually surprised and delighted how much positive feedback this got in the end, so I do dare to claim that I've at least accomplished something.

To clarify the plot: Franz isn't meant to be the master of the castle. And Friedrich is a ghost as well. That's why he insists that there are no one else in there. He's just as oblivious to the living people as Franz is. Why.would the young girl be in bed when there's a party going on? Well, for all sorts of reasons.  Maybe she got sick or was simply fatigued.

The dialogue is rather cumbersome in purpose. The only real experience of horror I have is watching some films from the 30's and those often feature ridiculously elaborate dialogue. So the tone was a conscious homage to that.

Since I am so ignorant about the genre in general, I have to say that I had never even heard of a movie called "The Others". So the similarities are purely unintentional, although I didn't have any grand disillusions of working with a completely original concept.

About the typos and grammar mistakes I can only apologize. Once again I had to work under severe time constraints. I essentially had 4 hours to spend on this, from FADE IN: to sending the PDF. So even though I did my best to try and proofread it, there simply was no time to run it by anyone else. I don't know why the word through has been so hardwired in my brain to be spelled trough. I always make the same mistake and I don't catch it in proofreading since I think I've spelled it correctly. Well, maybe the beating I took about it will finally teach me.

Okay read this.

Some spelling errors, no big deal.

Otherwise its well writen IMO.

The story is solid as well and has a good gothic vibe. And a nice twist at the end as well. Flesh it out more and you could expand this further.

Good job!