I saw 'Louisiana' and was excited to read this one (I'm from Louisiana...).

I thought you set the mood right, but I was torn about the dialogue - the combination of French and formal English didn't feel right to me (but then again, maybe that's me hearing my Cajun grandmother fussing at me in French and *terrible* English, so take that with a grain of salt).

I agree that the descriptions were overdone. And at the end, I kind of had a WTP moment.

Still, the visuals were great, so good job

This is pretty good.

A lot of data in those lines  lol.

I liked the creepy vibe. The imagery would look good on film IMO.

Good job on geting this done!

All in all, a good script.

The back and forth in the dinning room ran a bit long IMO. I lost some interest there because of it. The description was well done. I did get a feel for what the writer was putting across.

It was a slow burner as well. A lot of set up and by time it got really going, we were done.

The southern vibe reminded me of Gone with the wind for some reason. Maybe the "I do believe" talk did it.

Good mood, good writing, very clean.

Great job!

Shawn......><

Score one for the Bold Sluggers!  (By the way, Club Meeting at my blog at 9 tonight.  Don't forget to click that square B before you start typing.  We ignore any weak-charactered words.)

Quoted from james Did Bert write this?

Hmm.  I don't ever remember any of Bert's having bold slugs.  But you did bring up something interesting, James.

Quoted from james the writing was so good. It actually out-performs your story a bit.

I feel that is true.  I feel that the story here is lacking, somewhat.  I mean, the story wasn't dismal or anything, but the writing is what definately pops here.  In fact, if it were sent for coverage (which I don't particularly like or agree with), then the story would probably get a possible consider, but the writer a definite recommend.

This is the best written I've read so far.  Even better than Open Casket, which I enjoyed.

And Gary (grademan) brought up something, too.

Quoted from Gary For some reason the defining moment in the script was the butler looking sadly at Coralie.

Something about that moment really jumped out at me, too, when I read it.  I loved that part.

Excellent job on this, writing-wise.

- Mark

I'll be honest with you, I laughed when the Satan stuff was brought up and it was all for the wrong reasons.  I'm sorry, up until that point it was a slow moving story and then all of a sudden these guys are resorting to sacrificial Satanism and they seem so proud of themselves and it just struck me as bizarre and more humorous than anything else.  I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but that was the last thing I was expecting and it just kind of fell apart for me there.  

It's a cool idea, though.  I do like your thinking but IMO I couldn't buy the execution of it.  

Well written and conceived, a good read anyway for the most part.

Nice job.

Greg

I agree with greg. Satan was a bit too much Didin't bring anything Gothic in the story IMO. But it was very well written, quite over written sometimes, but I enjoyed it. I visualized perfectly everything.


SPOILERS

However, I think the fire caught a bit too quickly at the end.  

This was a good read, though it seemed I was halfway through the script before things got started.  At the same time, I think this script could be expanded into a feature.  There is enough potential story for it.

I liked the uncle, he was something of a sympathetic villain.  The ghost's role could be fleshed out a little more.  The other characters, over all, were nicely developed.


Phil

Bold slugs.  Maybe for a feature, but I am not sure I like them in a short -- and whatever PDF converter you use makes them, like, really bold.  At least on my screen, anyway.

You describe so much in these opening scenes, lush with detail, but set this introduction to the plantation at night.  If you are going to have rolling hills and fields of withered crops, you really ought to place these beneath a gray sky -- or perhaps as the sun dips low onto the horizon? They can still have dinner at night.

It bothers me a bit that some of the more ghostly acts seemed shoehorned into the story.  The opening trunk and the spinning mirror?  Why did those occur?  Their lack of purpose weakens this tale.  If the goal of this spirit is to warn Coralie, then any manifestations should serve that purpose.

And while I am nearly certain that a racial slight was unintentional, upon reflection it troubled me that this spirit destroys the entire plantation to save Coralie -- while mere moments earlier Robert gets a quick dagger to the jugular. That is kind of an unwholesome message if one goes reading between the lines a bit too deeply.  I would not call that a flaw as much as something to think about if you ever consider a rewrite.  Perhaps Robert could meet some different end.

The writing itself is the primary strength here, nearly evoking the spirit of Poe. There are small details that feel as if they were researched in at least a cursory fashion, and I always appreciate that as a reader.  This tale does take a while to get going, but that suits my understanding of the genre.

This script will be too flowery for some, I am certain, but you cannot please everyone.  For me this is surely one of the more polished tales this go-round.

I didn't find any format errors. I think the story. Hadd a few rough spots mainly with the ghost, bbut I enjoyed ot good work

I really liked this. The writing was good. It was sort of novelistic at the beginning but I think it set the stage. I loved the southern tone...it seemed right on. The bold was hard on the eyes at the beginning. This was my favorite.

Good job!

Fit the challenge quite well and was written by someone who knows their stuff. started off a bit slow, but it also built the mood so that's not really a bad thing. Liked the ending a lot, good old fashioned Satanism . Good job on the OWC.

Very nice.

Like everyone has said, your writing is beautiful. The story was good, too.

I'm not sure about the devil though. You had me up till that point. I don't think it fit in with the story.

Instead of the devil, I would have liked to seen ghosts of the slaves who worked there get some kind of revenge. Maybe he killed some of them after they got their freedom and tried to leave. That could be what made the soil go bad. Maybe they cursed the soil???

So that is my only gripe with this script, the devil... Please ax him.

Anyway, you did a great job for a OWC. The work you put into this definately shows.

Let me know if you do a rewrite. I'd like to check it out.

Cindy

Believable dialogue for the most part. The chanting in Latin for Satanic rituals is almost cringe-inducing in how overused it is, but I suppose making it so Ottavio speaks only Latin and Italian makes it SOMEWHAT more passable.

Creepy and dread-inducing. Paced well, if a little too descriptive in the slugs.

Solid piece here.

I hate bold headers. I just ouright hate them. If it wasn't for some of the comments, I would have stopped on p1 and not give a hoodwink.

Now, with that out of the way, I'm glad I gave this a chance.

Quoted Text His words carry such simmering vitriol that Coralie quickly averts her eyes.

Don't change that. Defend it with your life.

Quoted Text LOUIS You might say he...worships in a new church now. I heard of him through my European contacts.

That, too. I love it.

Now, aside from the nasty BOLD junk and The End, this is, in my view, near perfect. One of my top three, no question...even if I hate the bold headers.

I'm also guessing a SS regular here. Too good for a newb.

Liked this one. Great descriptions and writing, really captured the mood.

I thought the story worked fine and I enjoyed it.

A minor quibble would be Coralie in her room when the ghost of Daphne was playing around with the mirror and trunk - in retrospect this scene seems a bit lost in the overall picture. Mind you, it could have just been just trying to scare her away so I don't mind it too much. Nothing else for me to nitpick at really.

Good job