Highest marks possible for originality, and clever turns of phrase.
And for pushing the concept of continuity into hyperspace.

I wish the logline had said something about "fasten your seatbelts"...

"Tara stops crying as confusion takes over."
Right back at you, Tara.

I'm sure in the writer's mind everything was clear as day.  But too much in this story seemed weird for the sake of being weird.  I read Jhongore and I'm thinking...what?

It's drenched in detail, which isn't a bad thing in Gothic, but the detail lacked clarity.  The story was dream-like in that it took inexplicable twists and turns and was filled with strange characters who seemed to speak some other language.

Really not fond of that title.

I appreciate the imagination that went into this, but wish it had been presented in a more coherent manner.

The opening description makes no sense.

Raggy should be raggedy.

Laval just walks past, yet Mary implies that he paid for their horse and carriage ride. I didn’t see that.

The castle description made no sense.

A seven percent tax on dreams? It’s only now clearly a fantasy. I don’t think that was established well enough up to this point.

She shakes him like a baby? You make it sound like shaking a baby is typical.

Okay, by this point, I‘m sorry to say that this is a tough read. There’s no real story here.

Dear author, I’m sure you think every little thing that pops into your head is some important revelation from god, or G-d or however you want to say it. Sorry, but to me it’s all just a bunch of stream-of-consciousness rambling. I don't think a thing is more complex or profound merely because it’s incomprehensible. Some things are incomprehensible because they’re pure gibberish.

I would love to read an actual story from you someday. I hope someday you find that perfect balance between surreal and cohesive.

I do like the premise of a world where dreams are taxed. So there’s a start.


Breanne

Fist off I  love the title, I think it's teriffic, but the scriot itself, it was pretty tough to get through and I really didn't get a grasp on what it was really about. This was just too off the wall for me.  "G-d of Heaven" What's with the das instead of an O. Didn't really feel like a horror to me. Still, good work on finishing an OWC.

This is another that I would be interested in revisiting. There must be an amazing story inside that I just could not grasp and in my rush to try and read as many of these as possible and pass on immediate thoughts I feel I'm doing a misservice to the author.

I'm sure the writer has spent a great deal on the story and I feel it would be almost a lost opportunity not to able to understand and enjoy. Unfortunately, I just got lost about a quarter of way inside this one.

I did get to finish but I was mainly reading to take in the fantastical dreamlike visuals. I enjoyed those as opposed to trying to figure it all out.

I think I got some of the premise. You have to pay for dreams and the more expensive, the more pleasurable and vice versa. The time spanning throughout Payer's life ( or is it his dreams?) is another interesting way of unfolding the events.

So the downside is it proved difficult to chew through for me yet on the plus side I find the writing very poetic, rousing and intriguing. Creativity seems not a problem here, perhaps just toning the style down so others can share in the vision would be appreciated.

Locations & Sets  -   EXT olden village barber shop c. 1700 (presumably European), EXT castle on the mountain (matte), INT farm cottage, INT Izabiza castle accounting room and crawl-able pit room. INT Payer's room, Toll booth w/ iron gate. INT castle library, INT Penny's bed chamber. INT. Penny's kitchen, INT TV room
Actors -  MARY (30s), BOY/LITTLE PAYER (4), LAVAL (-), TOWN CRIER (-), TEEN PAYER (16), DOCTOR (50s), GLONDE (17), TROPHY WIFE (30s), two friends (double as masked guards), TOLL GUARD (-), PENNY (16/35), Ed (40s), TARA (40s), BARBER (-)
Costumes  -  period raggy dress and boy clothes, fine doublet w/ ruffles and cape, ridiculous town crier outfit, teen payer's shorts, doctor's black suit w/ wool cap, floral shirt, apron, whimsical dress for payer and 2 friends, masked guard outfits x 2, toll guard outfit, Penny Ed & Tarra's zombie outfits, Laval's blue robe, Barber's outfit
Props  -  carriage (no horses), coins, swinging barbershop sign, school bag,  Paper, Pencil, Eraser, Hot Dog, accounting desk and chair, perfume atomizer, parchment document, hexagonal glasses, dream meter bracelet, gold coins x 8, piggy bank, oversize playing cards, whiskey bottle, shiny cut flash, chicken leg, passport, wood stove, wood, faux fire inside, comb, growing hair, book, golden spectacles, salty hair wig, chest, dress shirt, silver comb, gothic deak chair, Penny's bed, oversize chains, pot O' gruel, wooden spoon, smoky mirror, bag of "coins", "PERIODIC TABLE OF MIZTAKES" textbook, TV, fat suit for Penny, barber's scissors, barber's chair
Audio FX  -  horse whinnying and cobblestone steps, small and big rusty hinge squeak, discordant organ music, whimsical sounds & music, tape recording fast forward, coins into piggy bank, heavenly song, pair of marching bootsteps, dragging heavy chain, general spooky sounds, wind howls, thunder claps
Visual FX -  thick clouds swirl to reveal then hide castle, Laval disappearing in mist, displays on meter, triple time Glonde's accounting, bats fluttering from castle
Other  -  fogger w/ gallons of juice, assorted colored gels;  SFX MUA for Mary's agedness + Payers lifelessness + Glonde + Trophy wife + friends + toll guard + Laval's aging + zombie Ed/Tara/Payer + Penny fat-to-thin; stunt coordinator and fall pads, cardboard sheets x 2, dry ice, lights for lightning
Comments  -  Wow. Very... Cat-in-the-Hat-ish! Rather expensive to shoot for a short, though. And I'm kicking this back down to PG-13. I wish I had the budget to shoot this Dali-esque Fellini-fest! The magical whimseyness just appeals to my inner absurdity. The colors! The sets! The costumes! The dialog and OVER. THE. TOP! over-acting would be a blast for everyone involved to shoot.
Fisheye lens shots galore!
I don't think the audience would have the slightest idea of WTH they just saw, but the sparkle-dust I'd slather all over everyone and everything would be sure to leave a magical impression.

Sometime in the next few weeks I hope to catch THE FALL at my county library. I think it will be a visual blast (same director as the upcoming IMMORTALS) and think this story would provide the same.
GL & GB!  

I think the concepts in here are creative and very interesting but as it stands it's very convoluted and a challenge to read.  I actually read this a few days ago but forgot to comment so to be fair I skimmed it again and it's still a challenge.  There's so many things going on that it's hard to grasp onto any kind of hook.

Simplify it!

Greg

I like the complexity and the style of this writer. I read the whole thing. I think it was unique and fit the OWC. Sometimes it was over the top in that I felt like I was in a dream reading, but I think it's this writer's style perhaps. I enjoyed reading it and think there is potential if simplified a bit.

Notes as I read the script:

From the get-go, I feel like this is really getting caught up in being overly wordy. The choice of words is nice in the description, but I'm not entirely sure that it does anything to propel the story. In other words, it's like an elaborately wrapped package with nothing inside.

The concept of dreams being taxable is interesting. I wouldn't say his dreams are particularly extraordinary or interesting, though. Again, this part bogged down by too many words, not enough real action, and a lack of truly interesting visuals to move the story along.

The Laval / Glonde scene feels weird. I'm going to have to re-read it. As it stands, I'm not a huge fan.

And the most expensive dream of all being Payer wishing to be Laval? Underwhelming.

This was beautifully written with a wonderful concept, but it was bogged down by way too many words in the descriptions, and ultimately weak character ties. It feels whimsical for whimsy's sake, surreal for the sake of just being surreal, and that is not necessarily admirable. You should never force these things; the work itself comes first.

I'm not going to tell anyone how to write, but I will say that upping the accessibility factor and fleshing out wonderful ideas (instead of masking the lack of development with flowery prose) would be far more enjoyable.

Hi Sandra

I'm sorry to say I couldn't finish this one And IIRC, yours was the only one I couldn't finish in September too. You are clearly talented in the visuals and with your creative energy, but your scripts tend to be too much for me to handle;)