The Woods by Matthew Layden (TheUsualSuspect) - Short, Gothic Horror - Emily goes to visit her mother in the countryside. While there she sees a young boy, who terrorizes her to go into the woods. 11 pages, 3 characters, PG rating - pdf, format

Hey Nate

SPOILERS

It's good until the ending. Very confused. I don't if I should be happy or scared. I want to know what's the backstory.

This script could be trimmed. You have some descriptions that tell as oppose to show. You can find alot of those in the dinner scene btw Grace and Emily that can be removed like "Grace notices that Emily doesn't want to talk to her." I think you can show this.  Have Grace speak and Emily not responding.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

You've got some twists in the story, that's a good thing.  And just a hint of the Stepford Wives, that's good, too.

Nice job, like already stated you could trim the more novel like descriptions, such as what they were eating for dinner. I thought the twist was good, and the ending, like any good horror movie, leaves you guessing.

Didn't really gain anything from this, the ending fell flat, cou;dn't identify a "twist", the dialogue was clunky and the interactions felt rushed though I did believe their relationship so points there.
As pointed out above, some descriptions need addressing - show us the "Breathtaking scenery" don't assume the reader is seeing the same as you in their imagination.
Good effort, keep writing.

This one had a lot of promise, but also suffered from some lapses in logic.  First of all, what year is this?  Emily pulls up in a horse drawn carriage, but has a radio in her bedroom?  That doesn't work.

The buildup of the story was good, and I think this "slow burn" is a hallmark of Gothic horror as you build this sense of dread and foreboding.

But, we know the kid is a ghost as soon as we see him, so no real suspense there.  The real question is what lies within the woods.  I think there was some overkill here when the words are carved into the front door.  BTW, wouldn't Grace notice the words on the door when she came back for her purse?

I thought you were going to produce a great twist at the end where Grace is revealed as the killer of the young boy.  Unfortunately, you went with a strangely murky ending.  I'm not exactly sure what was up with the "mother knows best" line.

* Spoilers*

Hmmm...  You actually had me riveted until the very end.  

I found the story of the little boy interesting, wanted to know what happened to him.  And once Emily found the body, I did really want to know why/how he died.  But the twist came out of nowhere, and caused it to fall flat.  For it to work, you need to put little hints throughout the story to lead up to the surprise.  Since you didn't, the logic wasn't there.  And the twist didn't have the impact that it could have.

I get the feeling you're relatively new in the writing field. Maybe a handful of stories, but not all that much...yet.  For that level, the STRUCTURE of your story (until the end twist) is very nicely laid out.  Kudos.    What doesn't really work is the dialogue.  Very wooden, no flow.  But that'll come in time - just a matter of getting the rhythm going - realizing what sounds natural, and what doesn't.

Some nice visuals in this one: like the seeping water and the radio static (it's been done before, but it works in this script.)  The blood on the walls - maybe a bit over the top.  Unless it's just a hallucination...

But congrats on the OWC!!  Thanks for the read.

This seems to follow the basic translation of the OWC rules.
You have some grasp of screenwriting format, not bad.
But the ghostly activity feels overly familiar.
The motivations are wonky, I wouldn’t go near those woods.
This one has the whackiest non-ending ending yet.
I’m starved for some planned humor from this OWC.
Do less telling and more showing, film is a visual medium.
This site is a great resource to learn the craft.
Thanks for playing OWC.

Regards,
E.D.

I really liked this one quite a lot. Sustained element of mystery kept me intrigued.
Moved at a good pace.

I do have a couple of moans. The mother seemed very protective of Emily up until the final page when not only does she not want to know what she has to say but also knows she discovered the woods. How? Because she saw the knife? Bit confused at the wrap up there.

Not too keen on how Emily ended up in the woods. Of all the ways to try to get her down there, I think the ghost's methods of making the house Amityville-fied would have had to complete opposite reaction!

Overall, entertaining. Good job!

I disagree with Ryan. A quick look around the internet shows radios and horse drawn carriages existing in the same time frame.

I also disagree with wonkavite, this script doesn't make you come off as a new writer. There are far worse on this site and even in this competition. Format is perfect, just some issues with show vs tell.

I do agree on the odd ending though. I get the sense that the mother killed the kid and know is going to kill her daughter to keep it quiet? They obviously have a strained relationship, which you show well through their actions.

Good level of suspense throughout the piece, I found myself saying WHATS IN THE WOODS. A bit overboard with the words in the door, eve if it might be a nice visual.

I dug it, but I feel that a lot of people will be disappointed by the ending. I still think you tried to get across the fact that the mother was the killer, you just didn't pull that off well enough.

Good job on finishing.

Quoted from TheUsualSuspect I disagree with Ryan. A quick look around the internet shows radios and horse drawn carriages existing in the same time frame.

Well, taking into consideration home radios didn't become publicly available until the 1920's, I'm sure it is posssible that some people were still using horse drawn carriages.  But not the wealthy, and the country house is described as a "massive structure."  A few details could have cleared this up if the writer had just described the radio a bit, or explained why the girl's house had candles, even though the house had electricity.

I'm not gonna bend cast iron to say who's an amature or what makes you look like an amature in this contest because I know, as awesome as I am, how easy it is to turn out a mediocre script in one of these things from past exepreince.  

A few things, technically, that stuck out to me on page 1 are the following.


1. You open with a pretty obtuse bit --

"A horse and carriage pull up to the front door of an old country house, massive structure.  The beautiful countryside is a sight to see."

How about

"A horse and carriage halts before the massive country house.  The beautiful sprawl stretches far beyond."

I suggest this simply because

A) We don't need to know it's a massive structure after the fact.  We need to know right then and there.  Wasted realestate.  

B) Also of mention you've told us in the scene heading where we are, so adress it as THE.

C)  Furthermore, HALT is a much more exciting word than PULLS.  


2.  I'd go very sparringly on the LY adverbs.  Eargerly in the offset comes to mind, of course so does unenthusiastically.

"She anticipates the exit of her young daughter, EMILY, 16.

I suggest this simply because

A) We know the carriage is there and someone is stepping off soon.  Don't over state it.  And the eargerly is pretty amaturish in "Certian" circles.

Moving on... How about instead of:

"Emily unenthusiastically hugs her back."

you did this instead:

"Indifferent, Emily hugs her back."

I suggest this simply because

B) It sounds better and pops faster.  A script is like popcorn, man... You gotta pop it to eat it and if you dont it's gonna get stuck between your teeth.  Litterally.


3.  Not even off the 1st page and here's another bit I wanna bring up.

"Emily smiles and nods, but it's phony."

How about

"Emily smiles and nods with deception."


4.  You can't tell us there is electricity in the house... You gotta show us there is.  Like, perhaps, she comes in and flips the light off and mentions:

"we have this lovely fire and you wanna ruin it with artificiality"

You gotta think outside the norm at all times.


5.  I'd think about seperating some of your actions.  It's a personal preference to be sure... but, for instance, when the drive of the carriage grabs her luggage and brings it inside -  that, to me, should really be a completely different shot from Emily's "phoney" nod.  Visual here... Think visual.  Think what the camera is seeing at all times -- not what we're reading.


Anyways, that's my 5 point bit on your 1st page -- I think it can not only help you strengthen it, but your writing as a whole.

As for your story -- I thought it was alright.  Very thoughtful inclusion to the OWC scripts I've read thus far... It didn't seem rushed and it, to me, had plenty of room to breath.  

I think it's over written a great deal, and if you take into account even some of what I've said you could easily tighten this up and expand on your scenes even further.  But I believe you nailed the challenge and that's, fundamentally what's important right now.

Good luck with this one and thanks for entering with such a well paced, thought out script.  It didn't waste my time.

Hello Nate,

You have had some good advice so I wont repeat. Overall a pleasant read with a let down ending, however, thatbcan be fixed, so good potential.

Others;

Title font - some may not like this. Also it makes the reader think, before they have started, that this writer could be new, whether true or not. Just a thought to keep it standard.
Her words to herself, P9, this better stop it, sounded strange.
Water p9 where did this come from, it wasn't mentioned before
P11 - yeah, how does she know the girl has gone to the woods. Why did she kill the boy, and why is he there and why does he come back etc etc

Overall a fair effort and one worth revising

All the best.

I'm sorry, but this dialogue is so wooden, it actually reads like a pisser or parody.

Lots of errors in the actual writing, including unfilmables all over the place.

Page 3, and that's all, folks.  Sorry.

Quoted from Dreamscale I'm sorry, but this dialogue is so wooden, it actually reads like a pisser or parody. Lots of errors in the actual writing, including unfilmables all over the place. Page 3, and that's all, folks.  Sorry.

That's encouraging.  

A nice quaint ghost story I thought, I enjoyed it.  The inclusion of the wireless did make me stop and pause in terms of if it fitting into the time era,  I guess it does, but still felt out of place for me.  The radio repeating the words "the woods" was great i thought, you built up a good mystery about the woods.

On the downside the story is very familiar and not very original, but enjoyable none the less.  
There were some real issues with awkward dialogue and writing, I decided to overlook this and concentrate on the story, but it does need a lot of work.

A few issues with the story.  Why does the boy thank her,  she doesn't do anything other than see the body and leave it where it lays.  Maybe she should retrieve the body, or an item on the body, something to lay it to rest.
The ending confused me, there's some slight allusion that her mother may be responsible for the boys death, but it doesn't really make sense either way.

Good job overall.

Leon

This script was decent.  It seemed a little overwritten at times, and the dialogue sounded a little artificial.


SPOILERS

Why did the ghost boy thank Emily.  I doubt his soul would rest because someone found the body.  She didn't bury it and she didn't tell anyone about it.

The ending confused me.  Did Grace kill the boy?  I kinda got that impression when she took the knife.  The mother-knows-best line implied that, but it just didn't make sense to me.

Hope this helps.


Phil

This is so close to being perfect to me that it hurts. I really felt this was an excellent read. There was obviously a strained relationship between Emily and her mother. I was wondering what it was. I imagined that the mother was some kind of professional or something who never had time for her daughter going up and that the girl always held a grudge. I know that has nothing to do with this story necessarily, but my mind needed to come up with something to justify why she was treating her mother so coldly.

I think that you worked hard to incorporate gothic elements with the candles igniting on their own for instance. Perhaps you could have painted the mother as more of an eccentric at the beginning and provided reasons that she, the mother, never went to help the boy. And this is where I'm coming to what I feel is the major flaw in this piece:

It's end. I think it ends too suddenly without providing us with anything certain in which we can walk away and think about it.

My feeling is that the mother learned to ignore the boy, heck (the way I'm drawing this in my own mind right now and I hope it helps) she ignored her own daughter all those years, and now, she ignores the ghost of a boy who needs to be put to rest.

Maybe there's not time in this, but maybe...

The mother explains that, and the girl goes to show her the dead boy. This brings the mother to tears, her hard professional edge down, and when she does say, "I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry". To the ghost boy/corpse... Emily reduces down to great sympathy for her mother, when she sees that yes, her mother does have feelings. And Emily cries along with her.

The end could be filled with great regret on both sides. And, after all...

Isn't that one of the elements of a gothic tale? Regret? In the walls. In the memories?

So very nicely done. Very very very very nicely done.

Sandra

Okay, first off from now on I'm goin to skip grammar and spelling issues unless they are just so glaring that even I notice them right off lol.

Story wise this wasnt bad, IMO its more of a straight up ghost story than a Gothic one, but thats cool.



"SPOILER ALERT"
Im going to assume that the ghost boy just wanted his body found and thats why he thanked her.

Good job on the OWC.

It seems you're comfortable with another medium, perhaps short stories or novel writing. I see some of the same common mistakes made by writers transitioning from prose to screenwriting, things that shouldn't be in a script. You describe inner thoughts and emotions that the viewer cannot know, you describe concepts and ideas that need to be made visual for the audience, and the dialogue is very written and on-the-nose (your characters are saying exactly what they mean, there is no subtext). Dialogue for the screen is quite different from dialogue in prose. That's not to say the writing is bad, just not appropriate for a script.

Format aside, the story is lacking. Not much happens, there's very little conflict and I didn't get anything from reading this. The girl arrives, unhappy to be there; the relationship is strained; the girl sees a ghost; the girl is warned not to go into the woods; the ghost makes her go into the woods; she finds the ghost's body; the ghost thanks her; the mother knows she went into the woods. I'm asking myself "so what?" If the setting were more interesting, as gothic settings should be, the length might have been palatable. As it stands, this can be condensed into three pages without losing anything.

You can write, and obviously love to do so. I suggest reading more scripts and to continue practicing.

Hey there

Radio, electric lights, candles, horse and carriages. When does this story take place? Radio was invented in the 1920s, long after cars replaced the horse and carriage.

"I am going to regret this"  

This was one of a series of examples of the girl talking to herself. When possible, try to find ways to have things like this shown in action instead of dialogue. People don't really talk out loud to themselves too often.

Maybe show the boys corpse's ankles and hands tied, to show he was murdered.

Not bad at all for early work. Obviously a new writer, stick around this website, read and comment on other's scripts, and you'll really see your writing grow fast.

Quoted from leitskev People don't really talk out loud to themselves too often.

I do. All of the time. I remember my dad and mom did it, too. Come to think of it, so did my three brothers. And, the pastors in the various churches I attended. And... well, you know where I'm going with this.  And you know what? Often, if I'm shopping, I hear other people talking to themselves and when I see it, I think, "Well, at least I'm not the only one".   On the other hand, my husband rarely used to. But after living with me 34 years, he does too!  

Sandra

Funniest thing, Sandra. You won't believe this, but when I wrote those words, I actually wrote "except Sandra, of course". I was just poking, but I deleted them in case you might take the wrong way. I guess I just know you!

I’m confused about the tone. Is Grace divorced from Emily’s father? That would be extremely rare in the days of horses and carriages.

You say the house is massive, yet they are all alone there. Seems odd a mother and daughter would be alone in a large house. No servants?

Seems improbable that Emily would have a radio in her room. There might be a family radio in the drawing room or whatever but probably not in her own room.

Emily’s line, “I’m going to regret this...,” doesn’t ring true. What she’s gone through up to this point was enough to traumatize a person. This response is too cavalier.

Some of your description gets redundant. Try mixing it up a little more.

Are all the markings gone when Grace arrives home?

The ending. Okay, I get it but you need to set this up better. This just comes out of nowhere. There needs to be a connection drawn between Grace and the boy prior to this.

Overall, it has promise but it needs work. Good luck with rewrites.


Breanne

Quoted from leitskev Funniest thing, Sandra. You won't believe this, but when I wrote those words, I actually wrote "except Sandra, of course". I was just poking, but I deleted them in case you might take the wrong way. I guess I just know you!

Indeed you do!   Now, let's see, where did I put that yellow highlighter...  

Sandra

The yellow highlighter is by the herbal teas, next to the spoons.

I think writers have characters talk to themselves, as is the case here, because they want to convey what's in the mind of the character and don't know how else to. But it doesn't work, because MOST people don't do this often. And the audience knows why you're doing it, and it takes them out of the script.

Something to keep in mind: the audience often also knows what your character is thinking, so you don't need to say it. For example, here, we know she doesn't want to go in the woods. She was ordered not to, and we got supernatural stuff going on. She is reluctant, we know that. So no need to say it. You might, if you choose, give some action instructions. She walks hesitantly or slowly. Maybe she grabs something for defense.

I feel I'm on safe ground saying avoid having characters talk to themselves. Unless they're crazy.

I liked this story up until the end, then I was lost.
It seems I'm not the only one saying that.
You might want to work on the ending.
Why did the boy say thank you?
How did the mother know that she went into the woods just from seeing the knife?

If the mother killed the boy, maybe the murder weapon would be on the table ??? or something that belonged to the boy could be on the table. ???

I did like the ghosts and the spooky stuff going on in the house.

Let me know if you do a rewrite. I'd like to give it a read.

Cindy

This was pretty good.  Reminded me of "Are You Afraid of the Dark?", which I grew up on.  I know writing things on walls with blood is popular with ghosts, but why would you do that if you're trying to get Emily to come into the woods?  Wouldn't that further deter her from doing it?  Just one of those nit-picking things.  

The ending I didn't really get.  It's like you had a thought going and then accidentally submitted it before you got to finish.  I think you could use the boy's disappearance as a way to create a developing relationship between Emily and Grace.  Then when Emily discovers the boy's body, they both come together.  As it is right now...it just kind of ends.  

But I really liked this.

Nice job.

Greg

Locations & Sets  -  beautiful countryside house and fields EXT & general INT, Emily's room, dining room, walk in the field, forest run at night, forest cave
Actors  -  GRACE (40), EMILY (16), carriage driver (-), BOY (12)
Costumes  -  1890s period dresses for Grace and Emily, carriage driver's outfit, BOY's white clothes
Props  -  horse and carriage, chicken & potatoes etc supper, wine and glasses, lemonade, antique radio, wall candles (why, when there's electricity?), blood writing on wall, decomposed boy cadaver, carving knife
Audio FX  -  forest and field sounds, galloping carriage horse, hinge creaking, "... the... woods... " etc. over (anachronistic) radio, nocturnal animal sounds, footsteps in leaves
Visual FX  -  dripping water from celing and running from under door, self lighting wall candles, words carving into front door, fading boy in kitchen
Other  -  driver for horse and carriage, period furnishings for house, day for night shoot in forest,
Comments  -  Don't do that with your title page. The floor should be established as being either wet from the dripping boy or not. Wow. Page 6 we finally learn Grace is Emily's mother and not her aunt or something. Household radios were generally available beginning in the 1940s, long after horse drawn carriages were out of use even in rural areas. This should be made into either a 30min short or a whole feature for Lifetime, it's too much for a short-short. And reconcile the anachronisms. Okay, that was a petty lame ending, but with a fair bit o effort this has a shadow of a decent premise.

I am not sure this hit the gothic note for me. I liked  the story ok up until the end. It was too predictable for me. I guess I was looking for a bit of a twist at the end.

I'm going to try something different, and comment on this one as I read it.

Some awkward dialogue. I think I cringed when Grace said, "I shall start dinner." It doesn't feel realistic, nor does it really make a lot of sense in response to Emily's ignoring her. I get that you were going for more formal dialogue to ensure that it's obvious it doesn't take place in the present day, but it seems really stiff and unbelievable in general.

Also - I am REALLY not a fan of sluglines telling character motivation. SHOW us. Don't TELL us. Example:

Grace notices that Emily doesn't want to talk to her. She refuses to give in to Emily.

That is completely unnecessary. Scrap it.

Emily also rolls her eyes entirely too much. Very weak way to show that your character is showing attitude, especially if done excessively. Be more creative.

Also - a lot of this doesn't seem to be able to take place in the past, so I'm confused even further by the anachronistic dialogue, horse and carriage, etc., if this were to take place in the modern day.

Divorce (is that what is supposed to be going on?) was pretty much unheard of for a great many years...in fact, my great great grandmother got one of the first divorces in my state - in the early 1900s. Fact-checking, maybe? Or MAJOR dialogue clean-up, if this is supposed to be the present. On that note, work much harder on really setting a believable setting - the reader of your screenplay should never be this confused about the intended setting.

Okay, I see, the radio. It's more modern. Yes, definitely work on the dialogue.

"The words COME INTO THE WOODS are written in blood all over the house..."

Oh my. This is where you're losing me completely. I feel this description, and other things happening aren't at all frightening for a reader / viewer because they're so outlandishly excessive.

I also feel like she went into the woods far too willingly, and her little, "I am going to regret this. This better stop it," is definitely not believable to me. Especially considering the gratuitous terror she just witnessed inside the house, and the state of panic she should undoubtedly still be in at the time.

The twist was somewhat predictable and tacked on. The little boy's body being found on the grounds was also very obvious from her mother's insistence that she not go into the woods, and his appearing damp.

I also don't think his ghost was at all misunderstood, but that may just be me.

Overall, read like a weak episode of "Are You Afraid of the Dark" but I still feel like there may be promise underneath all of that.

Definitely needs to be reworked.

Hi This read okay, but yeah, you did have a lot of unfilmables. I think the twist at the end could work, but it doesn't as it is now because we don't have any kind of foreshadowing to hint that it's coming (and, admittedly, it's not entirely clear what the twist is meant to be...). I think you've put in a good effort, but this could use some tweaking.

Happy to see a rewrite Good job.