Quoted from greg I liked this.  Told a good story and had excellent use of the ghost.  There were a couple things that didn't quite come off right.  For example him brushing the girl's hair.  It just seemed peculiar that he would actually do it to some random girl walking around the place.   Greg

See, this is the thing, Greg. I don't think that YOUNG WOMAN, was a random girl walking around the place. I think it was James' mother, which comes off as very peculiar to me, since it seemed also to me, like she was just a random ghost. For me to now try and alter that perception is very hard. I still see her as random. Even if I try and bend her into being his mother, I have to wonder what her story is because it is critical and most likely, this short is like the many others like it that are indeed not shorts at all, but precursors to features.

This one, I definitely feel that way about. I just feel really dim witted because I feel I can't wrap my head around it and yet somehow it makes sense even if I don't understand. Does that make sense? No. But that's Ok, I think at least the writer will gain insight because of it.

Sandra

Locations & Sets  -   INT. 18th century inn dining hall with period furnishings, EXT & INT mansion in disrepair with period furnishings and skeleton key door (but we might be able to fudge that detail), INT. James' bedroom at the Inn, forest w/ horse trail/road, EXT convent courtyard
Actors  -  JAMES (40s), ALAN (30s),  OLD MAN (70), YOUNG WOMAN (20s) BOY (5), FATHER OLIVER (-)
Costumes  -  Period army officer uniform, Alan's attire, old man servant's attire, Young woman's white dress/gown, boy's attire, monk's attire
Props -  period table settings including lighting, silver skeleton key, wax sealed envelope, candelabra, old bed w/ period mattress and pillows, writing desk, armchair, plenty of documents to fill writing table cubbies, two letter bundles and large roll of papers, being the last will and testament, tortoise-shell comb, bible, pair of carved gravestones and crosses
Audio FX -  draft sounds
Visual FX -  superimpose a burned wrecked building over the one from the night before
Other  -  riding horse with saddle, tack and saddlebags, fogger for forest, fan for draft
Comments  - Eh... more of a morose sad tale than Gothic horror.

Sorry, but I'm a bit lost on this one. The writing was okay, though you'll want to fix up your tenses. The atmosphere was good. I think you were going for mysterious, but there are so many unanswered questions that it comes off a bit frustrating.

It's got potential, though. Wouldn't mind seeing the rewrite Good job.

Since The Old Man stammers, I don't think the breaks (---) are all that needed in the dialog. Besides, it should be an ellipsis ...

Quoted Text His shadow is cast on the walls by the light of the candles.

It's understood visually that we occasionally will see shadows. The only reason for it being here - is to imply a supernatural occurance, but it should be more clear on that, otherwise, it would read as unnecessary, incorrect visually or both. (Incorrect visually, meaning...it is a candlebra that is the source. It is placed on a desk, which is most likely against a wall. Since you pluralize "walls" that suggests a corner of the room. But it can't be all of the walls. Given the layout described, this would be wrong, given the placement of the desk)

Quoted Text EXT. MANSION - NIGHT James sprints in the alley, crosses the gate, takes the reins, leaps into the saddle, and gallops away in the full moon night.

Several actions for a character to do in one moment. Instead of four commas use two-

James sprints down the alley, crosses the gate.
Leaps into the saddle, gallops away.

We can assume that James will take the reins to climb up on the horse; but since you have "leaps into the saddle", it renders the previous action unnecessar. Since we can also see what is going on, we can assume that moonlight will be a key source of that light. Wasn't it a full moon before he entered the house?

Since you have FADE OUT at the end, you won't need The End.

All in all, this wasn't terrible, and I really didn't mind it. Some grammar issues aside and the stuff I mentioned above, it wasn't a bad read. It could have been better though.

I loved this one. The ending was great. i would not have imagined for a secound, and that's maybe why I loved your script. For me the story was original too. The ghost was well written in the story and the atmosphere was gothic IMO.
Good job.

Fisrt of all, I thank everyone for reading and reviewing this script.  I did my best to read many scripts.

It may not fit exactly the OWC, but it contained many of my favorite themes and the story is far complex than it appears. I tried to answer every questions raised in a subtle way. Never mind....

Okay I had read this before like some others but found I had failed to leave a comment.

Not bad, not bad at all. It has a good Gothic vibe and all of the ingredients for a story.

There are or seem to be some sub plots that need to be handled IMO. But thats tough to really pull off in an OWC.

Good job overall and keep up the good work!

Thanks for your comment Hugh. In fact, the more I wrote, the more I thought I had matter for rather a feature. You're right, there are many subplots I have to devellop...