All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
I found this to be a pleasant story, nothing too new but all the same understandable.
A few comments;
# mis understood ghost, yes, gothic?? # I am not a format guru but I think a few of the veterans will have a few issues starting with fade in on the right # character talking to the camera, some may not like this. Further the speech was long, but it did kind of work. # continued's after each page may bother some # i found some short fast scenes to be disrupting and didn't serve much purpose. I often find I can cut out a few minor scenes without any affect, maybe this applies here. # p5 "a smiles" ?? # p8 I was a bit confused as to what andy wanted to say # p8 I think you will find that when you have a scene that continues but runs into different locations you should use continuous in the slug as a forewarning. Then when you do keep consistent.
Overall, I did like something about your writing so keep going.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
I think this one's got potential. A good ole fashioned haunted house story - and Agnes has all the necessary traits to be a great, fun character. Another plus - there were flashes of nice turns of phrases in this story...it'll be interesting to see how this writer sounds, a few months from now. (For instance, "a smile that could seen from Mars" stands out for me.)
I *didn't* feel that the writer pulled the story off as-is, however. When the house comes to life, it got cartoony much too fast. And the premise left me muddled. The house just wanted to be improved? Thought that was what Andy was doing, in the first place...
Still - enjoyed Agnes as a character - and memorable characters are what one wants, in this biz...
Maybe it's me? I don't know, but less than 1/2 a page in and I'm running for the door.
The opening passage was way over written. And the ghost materializing and speaking into the camera dooms this instantly. Not horror. Definitely not Gothic horror. Sorry.
Congrats on completing an entry for the October OWC.
Yeah, um... very wordy opening here. It was a chore to read the 1st passage, so I skipped it. Really, I did. And I laughed about it for a second when I did it... but then thought, why did I do that... now I don't know who Agnes is - and then I find out I didn't really need to know who she was because she didn't have but two speaking bits in the whole script. But to be fair, she sure chewed the scene up when she was speaking.
Anyways, I know I've been gone for 6 months or so and I might not be "as relevant", but I hate (continued) at the tip top of every page and deep bottom of the next one. Just knock that off.
"The light bulb flickers furiously" could be "The light bulb flickers " The LY's are usually always bad.
Some of the things you describe sould be broken down into sublets. Like...for instance towards the end:
"The banister and then the curtains begin to release their grip. Alice is then freed. They all embrace at the bottom of the stairs. They know what they have to do..."
Really? Seriously... Are you gonna let that fly? I know it's a 7 day work, but even still people write features in 7 days and they don't jiv jive like this.
How are we suppose to know, as the audience not the reader, that they know what they have to do? I don't get it. If I were writing this...
"The banister - The curtains loosen their grip. Alice is set free. They embrace eachother at the bottom of the stairs in unision."
Or something of this nature -- Reason being:
1. The banister is seperate from the curtains to show we see them first and then we see the curtains and the action that follows.
2. Alice is set free already. She doesn't need to be set free because we've already established above that she was.
3. They gather and embrace eachother in unison. That tells us they're now united by their actions, not because you're telling me they are.
Anyways, hope it helps. I finished it and didn't outwardly hate it or like it. I'd watch it on tv probably.
This was more like Gothic comedy. Actually, scratch the Gothic part. This was like a G-rated haunted house story for kids. The writing lacked clarity, and I really wasn't too sure what was going on until i figured out the old ghost was preventing the house from attacking the family. Did I get that right? I don't know.
"His wife is now being strangled by a curtain, Joshua struggles with the banister."
That's pretty damn funny, but I don't think it was meant to be. And then:
He spreads the varnish lovingly upon the stairs.
ANDY There, there house, in need of some attention, huh?
Giving the house a rubdown? I thought the staircase was about to have a happy ending right there. Not sure what you were going for, but it definitely came off as comedy.
I loved the little girl, and was glad to see a scene where she is talking to her dolls while someone watches in horror! Maybe it's because of the page limitation but the medium seemed to be just thrown in for no reason, not really needed. Tehn, the house animated and attacked them... Hated this, when the bannister attacked Joshua I had this image of a really bad CGI or rubber effect holding Joshua up by his ankle. And giving the house a makeover is what ends this "nightmare" sorry. I expected Ty Pennington to come running out at the end "Lets move in some furniture!" Sorry if I sound sarcastic I am trying to be light hearted, not cruel. Keep writing.
After a thick half page of novel prose, the read thins out. You may want to reconsider such a dense opener. I see you’re breaking the fourth wall here, bold move. Joshua fell? When did that happen on the page? I missed it. Parents taking a child at their word about ghosts, that’s new. Little to no gothic feel here, some whacky visuals. I’m pretty unclear as to the ghostly motivations. Thanks for playing OWC.
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
hated the first page. simply despised it. breaking 4th wall barely works and IMO it didn't work here. plus the monologue is way too long and comes across as rambling. now, onto the story...
misspelled "your" on p1
"you feel lucky...house?" i'm groaning right now
finished the story. i hate to repeat myself, but this comes across as a comedy. i hope it was it intentional but i doubt it.
then again, you might be onto something here. spooky houses that communicate with children are very overdone these days. maybe you could spoof it. i dunno, maybe Andy can "wax the banister" and please the house...if you get my drift
There’s no need to tell us the image was previously unseen.
Some grammar errors. Things like your instead of you’re are bad signs for a writer. And you do it over and over. If you’re serious about being a writer, you should get yourself a grammar reference program or a book to keep at your desk.
Seemingly random swing? Slumped upon a mountain of unwashed clothes? Alice jabs an arm out? There are quite a few awkward phrases in here.
We should see things like the area where Josh is injured.
Some of the dialogue is on the nose, things like the medium literally referring to them as family.
The house relaxing at the idea of being fixed up seemed to contradict its earlier mood. Andy was trying to fix it up from the beginning. That really didn’t make sense to me.
Overall, it’s like a lighthearted Poltergeist. Not too bad but definitely needs more work and a lot of tightening up.
This is cute but it seemed like too many shortcuts were taken (the family suddenly invites a medium into the house) and no real interest was generated for me. Outside of the page limits from the OWC, the characters could be developed, there's great potential there.
Yeah, I thought this was more of a comedy, too, mostly because of the scene with the medium and the dad with the neckbrace coming right after he falls off the roof. Babz would be proud that you told the story in the cut, but I think it's conveying the wrong message.
ETA: I'm not sure you need Agnes - I don't think she really adds anything to the story.
I think it's got good potential with a few rewrites Good job!
Pretty basic, had its moments, but needs a good revision to make it better. As of now it's a haunted house with a climax that's more humorous than horrific. I don't know if that's what you were going for but when the banister came alive and the curtains started strangling people I couldn't help but think this was a comedy. It was "cute" for what it was with the house in need of a renovation but it needs something more. More zing, more oomf.
A nice overall feel with this one. I like the idea of a house begging for love. Oh my Lord, my fellow scripters would hate me if I started going off on a story about:
The Bump in the Road... My "No Love Story"... and so I won't. Want to. But won't.
Anyways, I want to say that I love the title and love Agnes.
I noticed that The Medium just APPEARS! They're just all of a sudden sitting holding hands around the dining room table.
I think you need to get more creative. Make these characters POP more. Who says they need to sit round a table?
This here:
>His eyes now in the back of his head, the Medium trembles with rage
Confused me.
I think that you can "center" your writing more. Bring us in close to a subject, identifying it more closely, lingering upon it.
I think a story like this would benefit from such lingering. I feel that this kind of progresses too fast. The cat being injured for example...
It was written, but I was never really drawn in. To really care about that cat. It was more like "an event" in the story rather than a true feeling. Again, I'll use the words:
Skim's the surface of real-- I think many writers think that if they write plot and dot their i's and cross their t's everything will be fine. That's not the case.
This one is not gothic. It feels more to me like a nice Family Entertainment piece. BUT...
A cautionary tale. The writing is a mess but you'll get better with practice. You have a clear vision in your head that needs to be better written onto the page. I get the feeling you "see" more than we're getting to read and we're missing out.
There are a few moments that sparkle, a few lines that suggest you have great storytelling potential. You fit a lot into these pages and, disjointed as the scenes are, you manage to keep a consistent pace that escalates appropriately at the climax.
The ending was deflating, all that tension evaporated without meaning. I think you should drop Agnes entirely so the occupants figure things out on their own. That, I think, would make the story and the ending more effective. She's there to fit the requirements of the challenge but now you're free to exorcise her.
Keep writing, keep learning, and keep working towards your potential. I didn't enjoy this but I think you'll surprise us if you put in the time.
Very lighthearted, felt intentionally comical at times. Does not feel Gothic at all but there is a misunderstood ghost. Dialogue and writing need some work although you did make it a quick read. The characters came across as being a bit "high" - but they fit the tone of the script. I have to say it was quite fun and I do actually like the premise of the house just wanting a bit of TLC, but at the same time it just all felt a bit out of whack. Fun read!
Man, I guess I better keep up with the chores! That could happen here for sure!
Not bad. Had its moments. I have to admit that when things advance too far from the natural world, I get turned off. For example, I like the supernatural forces to be subtle. When a banister comes to life and grabs people, and the curtains form hands, stuff like that crosses too far for me and makes things less believable. Of course, the movie Poltergeist does the same thing, and that's a great film, so I can't knock this too much.
You put a unique and creative twist on things, ended on a lighthearted note, so I appreciate the different approach.
Not sure if we have any Gothic horror. We have a haunted house, but that's not really enough by itself. At least there is a misunderstood ghost. Kind of two, actually, including the spirit of the house.
I'm gonna give this a pass, though I think it's a decent effort. That said, I would not be surprised to see some version of this filmed. Perhaps sponsored by Home Depot!
Man, I guess I better keep up with the chores! That could happen here for sure!
Kevin, if I could come clean for you, I would. I'd even put a nice little candy or bottle of something on your pillow Seriously, I'm going to be cleaning up for my daughter and her fiance this coming week. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I really don't mind-- just that I've been so busy and I think I need to clone myself.
On to House Proud: This was certainly good. The only thing for me that it was more ghost story and not enough gothic.
Locations & Sets - INT nice old house living room w/ furnishings, EXT & INT rundown home w/ walk-in attic and basement, INT hospital ER waiting room, EXT eaves w/ gutter Actors - AGNES (70), ANDY (37), ROSE (34), JOSHUA (11), ALICE (6), DOCTOR (35), MEDIUM (60) Costumes - Outfit for Agnes, family's change of clothes Props - Camera, tool belt w/ hammer, family laundry, trampling mud, book, dolls, ladder, nails (no screwdriver), kitchen knife, varnish can, penny Audio FX - water pipe sounds, washing machine sound, house groan, trampling stomps, wind howl Visual FX - Agnes' ghostly appearance, Agnes talks with Alice, flying & attacking antiques, curtain strangling Rose Other - MUA for Agnes and Medium's drained color, limping cat and handler, something to hold Joshua's ankle on steps, Comments - I think your "All American family" parent ages are a slight off. Turn off your program's page (CONTINUED) feature. And I don't know WTH Andy thought he was going to do with nails and a screw driver with his gutter. I think I missed the intro and significance of the penny. Alrighty, this is more of a ghost story than Gothic horror. It's a little jumbled up, but could be reworked into something salvageable. Nice premise, though.
First of all, I don't believe that you need (CONTINUED) unless the slug or dialogue is actually interrupted and carrying over onto the next page. Secondly, not to be a total grammar nazi, but you certainly used 'your' incorrectly a lot.
Quick lesson: You're = You are, whereas Your = Possessive, belonging to you, e.g. "You're going to break your neck!"
Just a major pet peeve, and one that doesn't get picked up by spell check. Sorry.
Anyway, carrying on:
The beginning was almost too much description, and the intro with the old lady ghost was kind of cheesy. If you must break the fourth wall, please don't do it with an old lady ghost. Please.
Also - were the parents 13 and 16 when they had the children?! Please look at the ages again. I'm not saying it's unheard of, but unless it's addressed later on, that's kind of weird. How did the two of them stay together all of this time? How did they finish school? It'd be much easier just to make the parents a little bit older.
Why does Rose say, "Your (sic) gonna love this new house, hunny, (sic) you'll see," and then in the very next shot say it needs work, apparently never having seen it? Look at that again.
I'm also kind of weirded out by the slugline where Rose is inspecting her child for cleanliness at eye level. I don't know why. It just doesn't seem normal to me, I suppose. It may have been the use of the word "inspect" in the slug.
In the same scene, I don't see why Rose's face "drained of color" from Alice's remark that the house talks. Alice is six; kids say crazy things all the time, and being in a new house, she'd probably be even more likely to make weird remarks. I feel like most parents would just be a little confused at best, maybe even think it was cute. I don't know about that one; it could just be me.
I also don't know how likely it would be for the family to call a medium because two of their children, both quite young, have said something about ghosts. With all of the people (adults) I've known in real life who've claimed their houses were haunted, I'd say that's a resounding NONE. They'd probably chalk it up to being in a new place and not used to the sounds of the house settling, their kids not coping well with change, and things like that.
The scene with the medium is where you begin to lose me completely. The curtain becoming hands, the wind, the animated banister, the crud flying around the house, etc.
It is too much, and is more likely to make the viewer roll their eyes than be frightened. Tone that down a bit, would be my advice.
I'm also not completely sold on the stories where the house is "alive". Maybe it's terrifying for some people - I mean, I suppose it'd have to be, as they keep making films and stories about it. I'm just not wont to be thrilled with that kind of story.
Dialogue is okay for the most part. A few parts need polished up. This is honestly salvageable, it just needs some retooling. And like I said, I'm not a fan of stories of this nature, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
I enjoyed this tale even though I don't think it's gothic horror - but it is the kind of horror I like. It was a quick read but a little over-written, and I did have to go back and reread for clarity - I think some of those issues were mentioned above.
The one thing I really didn't care for was the opening introduction with Agnes. I think the only time I don't mind a character breaking the fourth wall is when it's done as a voice-over.
Pages: 
Author
House Proud - OWC
Logged
Seriously, I'm going to be cleaning up for my daughter and her fiance this coming week. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I really don't mind-- just that I've been so busy and I think I need to clone myself. 
Locked Board