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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2011 One Week Challange  ›  My Love - OWC
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jwent6688
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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I enjoyed this one. I like the nice dark overtone to it. I definitely feel the pacing becomes sluggish in the middle. I feel you spend too much time describing things just when the script ids suppose to take off. Didn't mind it in the intro.

I wished that Jessica would've told James that she knows it wasn't gregory's fault. As it is you just kind of skim past her death and never explain why gregory blames himself. I think thats back story you could've used the extra pages to at least hint towards.

Overall,  like I said, I think this was good, but could definitely be better...

Good job completing the OWC.

James


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Gregory wants his wife's soul returned to him. He hires Agatha, the gypsy lady.

Now, first off:

She's introduced as:

>Next to James is Agatha,(66), wearing a black cloak and sporting a devilish grin on her lips.

That SHOULD BE:

AGATHA, 60s, yada-yada...

I really didn't get this. For instance, towards the end Agatha says:

>AGATHA
No! Its not possible!

What the hell? What's not possible.

This doesn't read as gothic to me. More like murder mystery style.

Gregory's line:

GREGORY
My love.

Does not passion make.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2011, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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OK...um...well...I finished it - normally, I would have stopped after a couple pages, because I could tell immediately there were going to be nothing but problems throughout...and there were.

Mistakes of almost every kind littered on every page.  Poor punctuation throughout.  Awkward writing.  Over writing.  Completely unrealistic dialogue (and way too much, as well).  What's with the constant shouting by everyone?  Using exclamation points in dialogue means the words are shouted, and the vast majority of sentences ending in exclamtion points would not be shouted.  Unrealistic feel throughout.

Story-wise, not much here, after what appeared to be a solid setup.  Just doesn't work on any level as written, and as others have mentioned, the action that needs more description is so lacking.

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  October 20th, 2011, 3:27pm
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leitskev
Posted: October 20th, 2011, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Not bad if this is early work. Stick with it. Some notes:

--He summons a Gypsy for help, and immediately calls her a wench. Not a good way to get help, even from someone perceived as lower than her station. I would think some politeness would be more strategic.

And she shouts out, with !, that she is a servant of the devil. I thought this very odd at the time, but it turned out to be more understandable, and even fits in with the rudeness above. He is rude to her, she lies about her devil skill and is mad at him when she does, later breaks in to steal from him, and so on.

Early descriptions are good, but too much. Try to get to the story a little quicker. But not a bad start on your journey as a writer.
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Scoob
Posted: October 21st, 2011, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was decent. Nice atmosphere, reads quick, simple story.
Dialogue could use some work, and I think you could cut a few action lines out but for the most part I found it entertaining and it rarely dragged.
Nice work.



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Leon
Posted: October 21st, 2011, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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There was a pretty good setup here, albeit a little on the nose.  

But it took a rather strange turn, the gypsy decides to start burgling the house?  It was a bit of an anticlimax.  You would have thought a servant of the devil would resort to something more, well, more magical or within the dark arts.

This may be me just being pedantic - but i assumed her mention of bringing back Jessica's soul was a reference to her ghost.  There was something too coincidental about Jessica's ghost appearing anyway, the very same task assigned to the gypsy (which she didn't bother to do), that didn't sit well with me.

I liked the way the ghost possessed the butler, was a nice touch.  Not bad, might just be me, but i didn't quite buy the story.

Leon


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RayW
Posted: October 22nd, 2011, 12:27am Report to Moderator
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Freedom

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Locations & Sets -   EXT & INT Victorian mansion on a hill w/ period furnishings, great room, and hall
Actors  -  GREGORY (30s), JAMES (50s), AGATHA (60s), JESSICA ghost (20s)
Costumes -  Hooded cloak for Agatha, Period attire for Gregory, butler uniform
Props  - candle and stand, portrait painting and frame x 2, fire poker, revolver
Audio FX -  hinge CREEK! breaking glass, gunshot
Visual FX -  rain and lightning, Jessica's ghost apparition, Jessica's morph into James
Other -  flicker lights for wall shadows
Comments  -  Turn off your program's page (CONTINUED) and dialog (CONT'D) features. A little sophomoric.



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gmanp
Posted: October 23rd, 2011, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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Good story. Though I was disappointed that we didn't see the Devil. Different from what I expected but good story none the less.
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rdhay
Posted: October 25th, 2011, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hi You've definitely got the mood down, so kudos! I think you should pull back Agatha's dialogue a bit, especially when he's asking her if she can do this. Making her more evasive would make the exchange that much more effective. Also, maybe foreshadow that she wants his things - have her glance lustfully at candelabras or something.

Overall though, you did a great job
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