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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2011 One Week Challange  ›  A Price To Pay - OWC
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  Author    A Price To Pay - OWC  (currently 3942 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 9:20am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Price To Pay by John Carlon (JCShadow) - Short, Gothic Horror - A woman struggles to overcome the loss of her fiance while being tormented by a homicidal ghost. 11 pages, 3 characters, PG-13 Rating - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 29th, 2011, 5:00pm
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Rafael,

Ok a few formatting issues and not the clearest read BUT there are elements I like, such as;

The question of repeating three times. If there was a meaning I didn't get it (its late) but it was intriguing
The notion of committing a sin, then having the chance for redemption. Powerful topic, liked that.
This raises the debate of the benefit of sacrifice. By this I mean, if an evil person does good, to what degree does he change the past and then how would this affect the outcome. If he was heading to hell anyway, because of his sin, then what changes after he helps his victim. Surely something changes. Lots to think about.

I think it could be shortened, simplified but it has good potential. Keep going.

All the best.


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leitskev
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Ok, this is where I stop my OWC's for a while. Stopped around page 6, will come back. Please let me explain, and this might be a really good story, and the problem might be totally on my end.

Also keep in mind, I am an amateur writer, so take things accordingly.

I found myself constantly rereading these first pages for some reason. It just does not hold my concentration. And while the issue is probably on my end, there is something to learn from this, because I think all of us amateur writers do this at times.

The idea with a script is to construct it so the reader can get down the page quickly. When you flood the reader with images and descriptions, endless things he has to visualize, it slows the read. And important things get lost.

I have learned something in my year of doing this. And there are a lot of good people here, people that have been writing for years, that are wrong on this. A script is NOT A BLUEPRINT FOR A MOVIE. Ok? It is not. A script is a story that you hope will impress the reader sufficiently that someone will want to film it. Anyone who thinks otherwise is really making a mistake.

You see, a blueprint has to be filled with all of the details. It makes bad reading. A story is something that engages the reader, makes him want to keep going.

In this story, by page 6, we have read a lot of detailed descriptions of things and actions. And I guess Jennifer has been murdered and is a ghost, maybe killed by her husband. I'm not sure. But I do know we know absolutely nothing, I mean nothing, about any of these people. Without knowing anything about the characters, it makes it really hard to WANT to visualize all the things we are asked to see.

Please don't be discouraged by my remarks. You seem like a promising writer. And these things I am talking about are common with all of us amateurs. Just remember this: 1) if people care about your characters, they are more likely to be willing to do the hard work of imagining the things you ask them to; and 2) try to construct pages that read very quickly. So minimize description, don't put too many things in that are not important to the story. Please take my word: a SCRIPT IS NOT BLUEPRINT. You can believe others here that tell you it is. But unless a director has contracted with you for a script, it is not a blueprint. It's a story, and you need to entertain and engage.

I will come back when I can. I promise. It's probably awesome, it was just wearing me out trying to stay with it.

EDIT: also keep this in mind: this might even actually be a blueprint for a great short. Maybe a film that does exactly as you prescribe here will be fantastic. But unless you are filming yourself, you have a challenge. You have to get the reader, who is likely reading several scripts a day, to quickly get into the story. That's the battle you must win first. Does that mean that certain types of scripts, which would make effective film, shouldn't be written? Unfortunately, yes. Unless we are filming ourselves, we're limited to writing stories that will impress a READER.

A logical next question might be this: if the object is to impress a reader, why can't we just write this in the form of a short story? Why do we have to format and write within these rules? Others can better answer this question, but I'll give a go. While you're main objective is to impress the reader with your story, it is not the only objective. If someone has an interest in producing your story, he will have to develop the script into a shooting format. Writing in script format gives him a sense of your ability to do that with him. It also gives him a sense of your experience level. The producer is not just signing off on your script, but he's buying into you.

I haven't worked up the courage to back into this one yet, and I suspect I'm missing out on a really sophisticated tale, so I will go back. There's probably a great story and it deserves a full read.

Revision History (1 edits)
leitskev  -  October 17th, 2011, 7:41am
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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Well...the good news is that I'm being very polite and nice with the words I choose to use in these OWC reviews.  The bad news is that I've only made it through 1 script from start to finish.  I'm out on page 2 here.

Writing is just very unclear and confusing.  I'm not remotely drawn in and because of that, I'm out.

Congrats on completing an entry for the October OWC.
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darrentomalin
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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Leitskev had some wise words to say up there.
The idea has potential and, unless i am missing something, I was disapointed that the three times thing didn't have a reason or payoff.
The deal with the devil trope is well used in Gothic and you did a sterling job here with that side of the premise.
The descriptions were superfluous and I also got bogged down in them.
A reader has to expend as little mental energy as possible to be able to flow through a script. A hard aspect of the craft to master for sure.


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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Ledbetter
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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I wanted to read this to give based on the logline.

I see where the de-railment starts with the confusion. On page-2, you need to set this up with a couple of scenes. You have two scenes running alongside one another.

You have the man outside and the woman inside, both doing theri thing at the sme time.
If you do a re-write, you will want to set him up as a...

EXT. GRAVEYARD - NIGHT

scene, and her with the

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT  scene.

Then you go with countless noises that you are trying to explain, thuds, squishes, bangs and shimmies.

That just throws me completly out of the scene.

Then on page-3 , you go into it all over again with the windows and doors and thats where I stoped.

Those first three pages could be condensed to one page easily.

This needs a serious tune up to try and make the reader flow more easily through your pages.

Honestly, buy the end of page-3, I was no closer to figureing out what you were trying to say then I was at the opening lines.

Congrats on your entry to the OWC.

Shawn.....><
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The boy who could fly
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Fisrt off, congrats on finishing the OWC, I'm guessing this is from someone new to writing. There were some large patches that were difficult to get through and some descriptions that went on a bit too long, and some that didn't make much sense. "A muted boom follows" E=What is a muted boom? "His head snaps around as if he heard her." you could just write "his head snaps around" then right after "His head
cocks as if to hear something far away." "just say "he cocks his head"

Anyways you managed to write a complete script and it did fit the theme and genre, so good job on that.


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Ryan1
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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To add to the broken record here, I also found this to be a very muddled read.  I found my attention wandering around page three and had to force myself to concentrate to get through the remaining pages.  It seemed very repetitive, with Jennifer hearing a spooky noise, running away, then continually sitting in some stain on the floor.

You intro your first character as OLD MAN, then use the character slug STRANGER.  Gotta choose one.

I think I understand what was going on here, with Eric sacrificing his spirit to save Jennifer.  So, the concept isn't bad, it's the execution that needs work.
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wonkavite
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 7:16am Report to Moderator
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Actually, felt that this was one of the stronger submissions into the OWC.  Though I knew something was up from the moment the stain is described, I cared about the characters and wanted to see where this would go.  The fact that everything moved in reverse was both good and bad.  It kept me from seeing the ending clearly.  It also kept me confused, and a little disoriented.  (But I like the way it works - you should certainly keep it.)

I agree with Ryan that you shouldn't change up character names mid-script.  It's confusing.  Start with a name, and stick with it.  Also, the script does need a little bit of dialogue and description trim - not much, just some to tighten things up.

While reading, I found myself wondering if it's best that Eric's the killer.  Hear me out on this.  If he is, the contract's unnecessary.  He's going to hell anyway.  What if she was killed by a stranger - and Eric's pined after her, all these years and wanted to release her from limbo?  (The demon confused me on that point, anyway.)  If that's the case, then his sacrifice has additional poignancy - as opposed to being the foregone conclusion for someone who hacked up his SO...

But cheers on the OWC.  Good work!
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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I guess this is a case with a ghost misunderstanding others.
I’m having a hard time following this one.
The duct tape kinda threw me out of the gothic mood.
“runs the dead bolt”, you referring to the thumbturn?
Much of the mystery seems predicated on camera angles.
I feel like you’re keeping the reader in the dark.
I tend to feel cheated in scenarios like that.
Making deals with virtually silent third parties, didn’t grab me.
Perhaps making the facilitator more involved would help.
Thanks for playing OWC.
                                                                          
Regards,
E.D.


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c m hall
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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I loved the sounds, and I love that you realize the impact that noises have in a story.  That being said, I think the time-loop element doesn't work as well as it might,  I was confused about if the terrible event happens every time in the loop or just some times... anyway, I was trying to follow along, I liked Eric and think he deserves better.  Of course that would mean changing the title.
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dogglebe
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was an interesting read and, while I understood the repetitiveness for the story, it still was a bit tiresome.  The OCD was a nice character flaw.

SPOILER

I can't see Eric making a deal with the deal; he's already going to hell for his actions.  His remorse for his actions was nice for the story.


Phil
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Baltis.
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 12:26am Report to Moderator
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A few technical hang ups I'll get into here are to follow... I feel everyone's already beaten me to the punch on the majority of the story quarks, so I'll move on past it for now and touch upon it in the end a little more.

1. Change up between character name and he or she.  Try to rotate when you use them if possible.  I've read your script once and then went back to skim it again and seldom do I see you refer to the characters opposed to just He or She.

2.  Space two times after a period.  Probably a personal choice of mine, but it does make for a more spacious read.  A cleaner one.

3. Your Series of Shots is handled a bit off.  To be honest, most people don't even know how to properly format a montage or a series of shots so don't feel bad.   The proper way to do them is as followed

SERIES OF SHOTS:

   A)  Jenifer runs through the house.
   B)  She opens and closes doors and runs the dead bolt three
        times before locking them.
   C)  She opens and closes windows in various rooms. She locks
        and unlocks them three times before she throws the curtains shut.

END SERIES OF SHOTS

That is the proper way in doing one.  Yes, you can swap letters for numbers if you want or even dashes... but what no screenwriting software does, other than Movie Outline, is properly format one for you.  There is no "Montage" or "Series of Shot" insert for you to use, so you end up having to go in and mess with your ledgers and lines to get one accurate.

4. Always opt for at very least a FADE OUT:  

---

With all that said, I'd like to say I enjoyed the story very much... It had a good eerie feel to it.  It was repetitious for the most part, but it lent itself well to the story you tried to craft here.    I think had you constructed your series of shot time loops more efficiently they'd have read much better and been more sound.

Overall, I did like it.  One of the better ones I've read so far.  Very tight and disciplined in your action slugs -- Never read one over 3 lines and most were 2 if memory serves.  Sharp.  I still am a bit hazy on the killer aspect, but I also like being left in the dark... more to chew on.

Good thoughts ~
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Scoob
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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I persevered with this and ultimately have to say I generally like it but I have to admit I found this a little stop start on my end. I just had a hard time trying to understand and visualize what was going on.
It may be that it took a while to sink into your style and get to grips with what was happening but I think some of the descriptions need to be made more clear.

I had to peek and see what others thought about this and all I can add is that I agree with them. I did also think Jennifer was suffering from OCD and this story does seem to try and put across the feeling of what it must be like to suffer from a disorder and I mean that in a complimentary sense.

Another one that I might have to come back and revisit in the future.



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rdhay
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While I agree about that the repetitions were a bit much and didn't quite convey what (I think) you were going for, I really liked this one, mostly for the ending. Everything from the point where Eric and Jennifer are finally together in the scene through to the end just works so much better than the rest IMO. It's a good finish, I think, because of all the emotions that you've got there.

So yes, the repetitions and the overwritten action lines threw me out of the story, but the ending brought me back in

Cudos!
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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Out of all of the scripts I’ve read so far, this was the hardest one for me.

Maybe I’ve just read too many of these but the descriptions all seemed jumbled to me. It seemed like the same thing happened over and over again. It was like parts were copied and pasted.

Wait, I checked. Some parts actually were copied and pasted! Not good.

The characters just aren’t developed enough or compelling enough to engage me. There really wasn’t anything to draw me in except the story and it was too incoherent.

I think this writer could write something good but, I don’t know, it seems like you’re trying to be too clever and it’s to your own detriment. You need to either develop the characters more to make them more compelling or write the story clearer.

Good luck with rewrites. Oh, and please don’t copy and paste.


Breanne


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 20th, 2011, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I enjoyed this script and thought it was mostly a good read. The repetition of Jennifer, repeating her actions is very strong and good. It really details how a ghost, or even a living person can get into a "loop", performing the same actions, without realizing, that they are not progressing and moving forward the way they should: to grow, to move on.

You do an exceptional job showing her going back to that old blood stain, and consequently, the pain of her own death.

I found this very easy to read and I found myself right there in the action. Every detail was very strong for me and I felt more like I was actually watching a movie and not just reading.

What I wasn't clear on was: Who killed Jennifer? It didn't seem to me like it could have been Eric because he was willing to sacrifice his soul to save her, releasing her from the Hell of reliving the experience of her death.

I think this would make a good first part to a movie. To imagine what would happen after this-- especially if we had other factors coming into the mix. Like, for instance, a what if scenario of: Jennifer was staying behind for a reason (that she herself did not know about) and now with her not there, she can't fulfill that destiny...

This was a very strong submission. It's one of the memorable ones for me.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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RayW
Posted: October 22nd, 2011, 12:29am Report to Moderator
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Locations & Sets  -   INT Victorian mansion w/ furnishings and stairwell
Actors -  OLD MAN (70), ERIC (20), JENNIFER (20s)
Costumes  -  nightgown for Jennifer, suit for old man
Props -  pen and paper, oil lamp, portrait painting w/ frame, shotgun, shovel, loose soil, white sheet, 6mil black plastic, blood, butcher knife, "stain" on floor, door to split and destroy, pocket watch
Audio FX -  wood on wood banging, thud, duct tape pull, plastic crinkles, body drop into iron tub, heavy foot/boot steps, scream, crashing and breaking things
Visual FX  -  muffled shotgun blast, fiery room,
Other -  light for shotgun blast, cleanup of blood on tile, spotlights, MUA for aged Eric, orange gel for light,
Comments  -  "A lone porch light saves it from an air of loneliness and abandon." Don't include novely goobbledy-gok as this. I think there's a few pages missing to this story. Premise is there, just not explained well.



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greg
Posted: October 23rd, 2011, 1:11am Report to Moderator
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I couldn't get into this.  I tried but I just couldn't.  Wordy, tough to read, and I couldn't really tell you what was going on other than this woman running around opening and shutting doors.  

Sorry.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 23rd, 2011, 1:32am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Giving it away now... breaking my own rules:

To the author:

You were in my top three.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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SpecialAgentDaleCooper
Posted: October 23rd, 2011, 7:14am Report to Moderator
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Read this a few times. I did find it rather wordy, and difficult to get through at first.

I'll also echo that the repetition of the actions was a nice touch, but I'd have liked, somehow, to see a little...more. Like, something happens, and then (without too much emphasis, until the last time) she goes through and does pretty much the same thing.

With the specific direction as far as the number of times she flicked the deadbolt, etc. (and the copy-paste of that particular segment) it really seems like, "Oh, okay. She's doing that again..." and it's so wordy, that a reader's not inclined to want to stick around.

This kind of reads to me like a sort of shooting script, less like a script being pitched. Maybe that was your intention. I don't know. I tend to feel like shooting scripts should be reserved for Directors and Crew, but that's probably just me.

Overall, I liked it. I may go back and give it another read.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: October 23rd, 2011, 7:25am Report to Moderator
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You gave away that she was a ghost with the - he snaps his head toward her "as if" he heard what she said. Leave out the as if.

The repetitions felt a little funny for the read, but I think they would work on film.

The ending left me confused. If he killed her, why did he go to hell so that she could leave the house? He said he loved her, but his actions didn't show that. Why did he kill her?

Let me know if you do a rewrite. I'd like to give it a read.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
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JCShadow
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Sorry I haven't been able to respond before now, a promotion at work has had me tied up. So I will try and respond to everyone's comments and make a few explanations.

Ledbetter:
All those scenes must be viewed from the inside out and that is exactly why I wrote it that way. We as the reader/viewer are trapped in the house just like she is.

Those noises that "throw" you out of the scene are noises that traumatized her on the way out of this world.

The repetition of the scenes where she locks the door are there for a reason and I am sorry you didn't understand them. They are what she does after every event she relives. She is trying to make herself feel safe but all she is doing is keeping herself locked in with the very thing she fears and the comprehension of her situation.

The story was that of a couple who is assaulted in there home and only one person survives, the husband. To those who read to the end, only one person came close to deciphering the end. This was partially due to the version I turned in and some of the stuff I cut to get it down to 12 pages, and were crucial to the story, got cut out.

I was hoping the obvious shadow knocking the attacker off of Jennifer would be enough to let the reader know that it was her husband trying to save her from a very real killer.

Eric was not the killer but always the protector, even to the extent where, after putting up with his wife's haunting the house he finally can take no more and does the ultimate act of love to save her.  Remember the banging when he is with the man in the opening scene? Yup... Jennifer's ghost repeating the scenes that no one seemed to understand.

I guess I gave too much credit that people would know or understand the many facets and symptoms caused by trauma in the OCD scenes but alas... I was wrong and I apologize as it seemed to be the biggest complaint.

I think the repetitiveness of the OCD locking scenes, while intentionally the same every time (to bre's distaste), would work well on film as it serves two functions. 1. it is the mindless chaos she feels in between bouts of horror and 2. it cuts the scenes or the reliving of her trauma into nice independent slices. Trauma is never cut and dry or easily painted in one simple picture.

And to set the record straight, I am not new to writing. This entry was written on the Friday it was due in about 4 hours or so with maybe an hour to edit, tighten, and condense into 12 pages.

Thanks to all those who read this, whether you liked it or not. I enjoyed writing it. And thanks to Sandra for the kind words and to C M Hall for getting the noises

I might try to stretch this into a longer short for shooting or maybe put it in the lineup for a feature.

John


The Door (Horror/Thriller) - 116 Pages

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