At first, you say the woman is bound to the floor. Then you say she’s nailed. Which is it?

The ritualistic dialogue gets overlong. Then after all that, they exclaim, “Hail Satan!”  Kind of a corny way to end what’s otherwise eerie.

The scene with the realtor doesn’t ring true. Hank and Barbara are on a budget, yet they’re looking at a Victorian house?

After Hank and Barbara are captured, the dialogue gets kind of on the nose.

The woman in the beginning ritual had her tongue cut out. It’s inconsistent when Barbara is only gagged. You should go one way or the other or have them about to cut out Barbara’s tongue.

The original woman needs better development. As it is, she’s just sort of a plot device. Also, Hank and Barbara aren’t developed well enough. What interaction they have isn’t compelling enough.

The graphic imagery feels like it’s there just for the sake of being gross. More story and character development is needed to make this really work.

Good luck.


Breanne

It seems whenever theres a OWC of horror there's always going to be one where you can almost hear the music from 'The Omen'...

In any case, the short has loads of poential. I think the ghost should have done a bit of warning in Barbara and Hank, the most she does is briefly take the place of Barbara during oral sex (!) and then at the end where the ghost is all Dues Ex Machina...

But there IS one, no two things that bugged the stuff out of me. I am not a big supporter of naming characters with a generic profession, and that's what you call them. Yes, I mean the REALTOR. The other is that I think too much time was spent on the Black Mass in Latin. The first few times it's out there, it's nuts and it's powerful. The page following? Loses the punch. Maybe it's just me. Then they end it with 'Hail Satan' which does hit it on the head a bit much. When Realtor leads the new Coven, I thought it would be a bit better if, for the most part, he just shut his cakehole. Most of the babble is talking fallicy.

Some continutity errors here and there hurt the read as well.

But hey, at least we got some splatterpunk action going down. Overall, I thought this was alright, and could have been outstanding.

The opening of this captures the attention because of its horror and shock value. The next scene brings us into the story with this happy pregnant couple about to buy the house and we, the audience, have the benefit of knowing what the happy couple doesn't.

The trouble is, that it's too much. It's relying on heavy gore to bring people in and I think many people have grown tired of that. They just are disgusted by it and probably many other writers feel it's cheap. It's like whoring yourself as a writer to just write that way for a "capture the audience" deal.

I didn't see this as gothic, but just blood and guts.

Sandra

Am assuming the first Golden haired woman was the one who came back to save them? I think you should state that or give her a name.

Had some nice blood, guts, and gore to it. I guess I could call it gothic because of the time period in the beginning. Then again, have seen the definition of Gothic completely debated thi OWC. Not even sure what it truely is myself.

The writing is a bit of a slouch though. Numerous typos and passages I had to go back and read twice. The dialogue with the realtor and the two of them got very wooden to me.

But, i did like the overall story here. Nice and nasty. I see you've got some good advice on your writing. This script could benefit from its use.

Good job completing an OWC...

James

nasty, over the top, and a shit ton of fun. but its severely flawed. the story needs work. setting needs to be changed, characters need to be improved, and dialogue could be more intriguing.

all in all, it was too by-the-books. but i loved it.

revise it and make it more unique. change the timing of everything for sure. let me know if and when you do revise it because i would love to read it again.

Okay IMO this is well writen, I've never been a huge fan of gore but I dont mind em either.

This had a goth/slasher vibe and not a bad job of it either.

Good job on getting it done!

This is one of the 2nd scripts I've read where I've outwardly expressed a bit of boredom in reading it.  The entire 1st page was nothing but, what appeared to me, a giant oil spill and the 2nd page is riddled in some language that looks to be phoned in from babble fish.

In my experience, and I did this with "Coffin Canyon - aka, BEST SCRIPT EVER" once, long, long ago -- Speaking another language never works.  It comes back with red marks and question marks all over it.  I'd simply write it in English and then, (in native tongue) or (In whatever language).  That is honestly the best way to do such a thing.  Cos, we're reading it, man.  We're not listening to it be read... We're not watching this thing on tv where it might be subtitled.  Know what I mean?

Some of the stuff going on here isn't bad -- but when things like this happen "The Realtor picks up a ram mask"  ... I did laugh and I don't know why because I know it was meant to be pretty serious.  Out of all the scripts I've read thus far this is one of the most visceral in terms of visuals and violence, but one of the worst in terms of substance.

I think this one had a lot going for it.  It had Gothic atmosphere, misunderstood ghost, and an excellent beginning.  

It kind of lost track of itself in the middle though, a few edits and that should be easy enough to fix.  There were certainly some scenes that were creepy in the middle but there were some that were a bit silly and probably should be removed.  

The weakest point I found to be the ending, which just sort of happened out of the blue.  I'm not even 100% certain who the naked woman was.  

Good work for a week.  

Man...this was disappointing because I think this could have been the best one but it really played it safe.

The opening is terrific but I think you missed big when you elected to have them speak Latin instead of English for the chants.  I know they do speak Latin for some of these Satanic things (I did some research for my script for last year's October OWC which was also centered around sacrificial Satanism), but to have them speak in English would bring another element of horror to the story.

It took 200 years for these guys to find the perfect family?

Story-wise I didn't feel there was enough going on.  It's  Hank and Barbara doing really basic things and then we see the ghost behind them.  There's nothing really to move the story along here.  Maybe that's good, maybe that's not.  Keeps it simple on one hand, but on the other I think it's almost too simple.  

The sacrifice sequences were great, but overall I feel like you really could have added a lot more to juice this one up.  I think it has a lot of potential.  

I did like it for what it was and I'd be interested to see if you rewrite it.

Nice job.

Greg

I feel as though I've seen this setup before, all too many times: The Latin chanting of Satanic rituals; the young couple buying the new house with a less than wholesome history; the realtor knocking down the price for them so that they think they're getting a great deal; the house not having been occupied for years; the lot.

There are also a lot of typos and such in here, misspellings and such. That could be easily cleaned up. The dialogue once the couple moves into the house, though, serves to make this very easy to read through.

I enjoyed the twist with the realtor, and the cultists preparing for another ritual with the couple.

The head implosion bit was gorey and brutal. You rogue.

Misunderstood ghost? Check. Gothic feel? Check.

I'm not a huge fan of the Latin and Satanic rituals cliche, but this was an enjoyable read. Needs some cleaning up, though!

The first part was a bit of a struggle to get through, but the rest was okay, despite some errors here and there. I'm not a fan of all the gore, though, and to be honest, I feel like I need to pray after reading that:p Seriously...

You hit all the requirements of the challenge, but I don't think you needed all the blood to do it. Which reminds me - is there some explanation as to why the guys at the end imploded and/or melted to a puddle of goo? If so, I'm afraid I missed it.