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Betrayal by Quitterie Hervouet (Quiou) - Short, Gothic Horror - Louis is coming back home after 10 years in prison, but everything has changed from Marie, to his father, to his brother Jean and to his home. 12 pages - pdf, format
Look this comes across as an early effort so there is a bit to learn with formatting. Some may be a bit rough with their feedback on this.
Remember to read and review and before you know it you will know how to handle all that is required.
Gothic - yes Ghosts - yes Misunderstood - sort of, the twist was rather easy to see. Overall story - the core was simple but the rest was complicated and could be simplified Your use of continuous is incorrect. I understand this should be used when a single scene, that doesn't stop, moves around locations. Not for actions within a scene. Again keep reading to see. The name of characters when first met should be CAPITALISED You use a phrase that the house is as old as the family. Remember a script is about what you CAN see. How can we see that?
Overall this needs work BUT the idea of a family at war, twin brothers and hidden secrets has potential.
All the best.
Sorry a couple other points,
Front page doesn't need the word - script Needs a fade in on the left, first page
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
I'm not sure what to say. I'll start by mentioning that I'm not sure if this was a misunderstood ghost so much as a confused ghost, which is very different. So I'm not sure you've met the challenge.
It's obvious English is not your native language, and I admire the effort. The setting was certainly Gothic and beautiful.
Formatting, writing, and story are things you really need to work on. There were a lot of things that just didn't make sense, but I don't really know where to begin. There is a good story here that's in an embryonic state, but it needs much development for it to be clear and logical. Part of that is the language barrier, I'm sure. This is a difficult story to pull off, also. You have the switched twins, which fools the wife and the father, and a ghost that doesn't know he's dead. That's a challenge to pull off. Keep working at it.
There are a lot of problems that need to be sorted out with this one. I did manage to read the script and can see that the idea you tried to present has some promise, but it's gonna take a huge clean up. I think you've got a decent idea - not overally original and made more complicated than needed to be but you can work on this. I could see you losing four of five pages easily once you to get a more solid grasp of screenwriting.
This one had a lot going for it - a classical, gothic tale. Lost love, betrayal...and good writing. Everything one needs for a satisfying OWC. (Correct me if I'm wrong, but for some reason I got the feeling that English was a second language for the writer. If so, the writing's even more impressive. Kudos..)
The ending is good, the twists also good (though I sensed early on that Louis was a ghost...from the point where his father didn't talk directly to him.)
One technical item - you need to chop up the descriptions a bit. Definitely no more than three lines per paragraph. Anything more is too dense for a screenplay. Also, no writing anything in the character's minds. As they always say - film is a visual medium. Show it, don't say it.
That aside - the script didn't *totally* come together for me. This one needs a bit of polish - streamline the dialogue, make it a touch more natural, and cut out anything that's extraneous.
But still, very nice entry into the OWC, one of the more satisfying entries... ))
The descriptions are more novelistic than screenplay friendly. Some nice visuals, but I want to get to your story. Have Jean just read the inscription? Beats writing it twice. The expository dialogue about motherís crypt is a bitter pill. Too much dialogue that doesnít move the story forward. Ten years it went on for? I find that hard to believe. Far too much explaining and not enough active actions for me. Show us more action, tell us less. Was there a ghost in this one? Thanks for playing OWC.
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Lots of atmosphere, the beginning reminded me of "The House Of Seven Gables" in its feeling of dreaminess and ruin. But the script doesn't work in this short form, in my opinion, the priest-brother tells us too much of the story, we don't get to see enough, I think. This is worth expanding into a longer, fuller story, I think, it could be a beauty.
Obviously English is no your first language and considering, this has some nice moments lost in a sea of over writing. With some trims and rewritten in your native language then decently translated, this has promise. Loved the setting - a prison - and actually wished I'd thought of that.
You definitely have the gothic vibe here. I think I would like to see more of a clear set up though with regards to the two brothers and their relationship.
>The door of the mansion swing open and a young elegant aristocratic man walks in. He is the spitting image of louis de Sultri, but more confident and with cleaner clothing. A diabolical smile distorts his handsome face.
I thought it was a very good description.
Yes, there are some format problems etc with this one, but I feel that it's loaded with spirit. And that's a good thing for Halloween!
I think this may be by an author who submitted two. Maybe.
I think there's some good ideas in here but it's very convoluted and hard to read. Half of the problem is the formatting. It's a good page and a half of description to start things off - not pretty. That, and key parts of the story are in the description, such as Jean impersonating Louis for a decade. I think that idea could be fleshed out to something good but as of now it doesn't come off clear at all.
Dialogue is also a challenge because you're going for something dated but it also comes off as very stiff, making it twice as hard to get through.
Keep writing, though. Look into the format and then come back to this.