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Betrayal - OWC (currently 4009 views)
SteveUK
Posted: October 21st, 2011, 7:12am
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Location UK
Posts 201
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This one was a miss for me, I'm afraid. I haven't really got any constructive criticism to add that hasn't already be mentioned by other members.
Reply: 15 - 16
rdhay
Posted: October 23rd, 2011, 6:48pm
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Location Victoria, Australia
Posts 279
Posts Per Day 0.06
Hi
I really liked the atmosphere you've created - you did a nice job with that.
On the downside, you’ve overwritten, I’m afraid, to the point where the story's not clear until the expositional dialogue. And there are plenty of unfilmables that need to be fixed. And you'll want to do a check for spelling and grammar.
This does have potential though, IMO. I’d like to see a rewrite
Reply: 16 - 16
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Betrayal - OWC
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I really liked the atmosphere you've created - you did a nice job with that.
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