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Well, this script is about as Gothic as an episode of Three's Company. I appreciate the writer trying to set a story in a different locale, but very little in this story worked for me. Why would you name the man Jo? For the first three pages, I thought this was two women having a conversation.
And then a scorpion in the omelette? A live one, no less? C'mon.
Having them stumble into the burned out basement seemed like a last ditch effort to inject any kind of mood in this piece, but it was too little and way too late.
It's a disappointing script, mainly because you can tell the writer has a fluency with the format. This sure didn't read like it was from a first timer. But in the end, the script accomplished very little in the way of scares, laughs or any sense of believability at all.
Gothic horror this may not be...but I found myself, once I got past the absurd Smart phone plug, really getting into the exchanges.
It had very pop-culture-like dialogue and it was a fun read... I don't think you got the Seinfeld bit right, though. If memory serves, and it should as it's my favorite show other than Twilight Zone and Sledgehammer -- It was George's statue.
Anyways, mostly dialogue here and it wasn't all bad, so that's good. It could've been heavy on bad dialogue and been a whole lot worse. It was, to this reading, the cleanest of all scripts I've read so far.
Well, until the end when you literally put the end under Fade out. That was sloppy.
This was a nice little rom-com that was well thought out and put together. Writing was flawless in my opinion, so I have a feeling whoever is responsible for this one knows their territory and what they're doing.
Unfortunately it had no Gothic horror - but there is a misunderstand ghost! Good job on the story itself, I found it fun and entertaining.
Locations & Sets - INT diner guest area & hallway, INT wooden stairway, INT restaurant storage room w/ equipment & supplies, INT dirt basement Actors - JO(30), CAROLINE(30), WAITRESS (25), extras in diner x 10, CHEF (40), ORION (30s) Costumes - Waitress uniform, Orion's burned outfit Props - smart phone, scorpion, breakfast foods x 4, bookshelf w/ books, false wall w/ passage through, spider webbing, wall mirror Audio FX - phone vibrating Visual FX - wiggling scorpion, Orion's image in mirror Other - charcoal dust for smoke/burn charring, MUA for Orion's burns Comments - Turn off your program's (MORE)s and (CONT'D) features. Beautiful. Not a d@mn bit horrific, barely even Gothic, but very nice.
You may note on my spreadsheet that there's a asterisk after the (by the numbers) score. That's because I really liked your story. It doesn't fit the "Gothic horror" challenge a d@mn bit, but I enjoyed it perhaps the best of the stories I've read so far. If I was going to enter a Gothic horror short I'd have to pass this up. But if I was going to shoot five or six of these shorts for a one hour show, I'd DEFINITELY slip this on in under the wire and finish the hour with it. Nice story.
The first thing I'm going to say about this...is that I have that app on my BlackBerry and my little sister has it on her iPhone! It's so cheesy, and I think it picks up on sounds in the background and says those words later; I remember I was visiting my Mom, and there was an episode of Ellen coming on with Robert Downey Jr. The phone kept saying, "Robert"! Freaked my little sister out, and made me laugh out loud. It's especially entertaining, because the iPhone app, by default, actually says the word out loud!
Anyway, carrying on:
I really thought it was a cute premise. Gothic? Nooo. Not by a long shot. It was, however, a very enjoyable read, and a nice, light thing to read after I've been going through all of these super dark pieces. Thank you for that!
I echo some of the above that 'Jo' should have been 'Joe' to avoid distraction and confusion of gender.
I did love how when I saw that there was a scorpion in the omelet, I immediately thought, "Wait a minute...they'd better be out west where there actually are scorpions," only to (almost) immediately see that they were in California. More of an aside than a note, but I liked how that was cleared up.
All in all, very sweet. I am still confused about Orion's motivation at the beginning, as he seemed to want Jo dead, but am thinking that perhaps you intended that to be misconstrued? As in, Orion was trying to warn him there was going to be a scorpion on his plate, and had no ill intent?
I also think their banter pre-Orion wasn't as distant as it could have been. They just seemed like a normal couple out, and I'd have liked to see a little more coldness and distance between the two. It didn't really feel like they were really arguing beforehand. It seemed just...conversational and light.
Yeah, so you've got a few things to tweak, but I liked this one. It wasn't gothic horror IMO, but I'll let that slide because it just made me wanna call my hubby and tell him I love him
Two comments - Jo with no 'e' makes me think of a woman, so the story was disrupted a bit when I realised it was a man and I had to rethink the first page in that context. Secondly, I'm guessing you're Aussie, right? Or British? I'm thinking Aussie: Ta! I love that you used that - I've never seen it in a script:p
Starting off in a restaurant, I was trying to figure out were Gothic horror came into it, I have eaten in some restaurants in New York that yes, were gothic horror!!! With spiders and scorpions also... But this story was not.. Either way I read it to the end, as it was something different, more rom-com It was a nice modern twist, using the app as a ghost detector/communicator.
The writing itself was pretty good, didn`t notice many typos..
Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed. Admittedly this was written in haste as was my research for the Gothic theme. This was one of five scripts I tried to write over a three day stretch with the other four not really going anywhere. Horror's not my thing but oh well.
This wasn't my favorite OWC to participate in, but I think they're fun so I like to contribute. Not at all surprised by the feedback, so IMO there's not much reason to respond to specific comments, except this one:
Quoted from Baltis.
I don't think you got the Seinfeld bit right, though. If memory serves, and it should as it's my favorite show other than Twilight Zone and Sledgehammer -- It was George's statue.
Technically it started out as Jerry's but then he gave it to George. However, George never took it, so it was still in Jerry's possession when the cleaning guy, Ray, allegedly stole it from his home. So in essence I thought it was more accurate to say it was Jerry's since he also went through the trouble to confront the guy.
I love Seinfeld, too. I put Seinfeld and Star Wars references in pretty much everything I write ha-ha.