Quite a bit of "talking heads" going on at the bar. I feel you could shorten the dialogue between Gregory & Scott in half the pages and still get your point across. Interesting take on coming out using time travel to exploit Gregory's past. You handled it well.

Good job and congrats on completing the OWC.

*Hic!* I thought I’d get sloshed to read this. Well no, that’s a lie as I’m at work and I don’t drink so I’ll imagine I’m drunk to read this.

Great description at the beginning of the Tavern and two characters, I take it the mistakes with the dialogue is deliberate to emphasise their drunkenness? It’s odd because such care is taken with the action and descriptions.

By page 4 they are half drunk so this early dialogue seems even odder now because Scott’s talking clearer than he did at the beginning.

Hmm a Stargate, sounds like SG1 to me!

APARTMENTBUILDING! This apartmentbuilding is so full it has no space. Get it? No space? Oh forget it!

This is where I start to lose it. The chat at the bar, for all the strange dialogue at the beginning had charm and was funny and them gradually getting drunk was amusing and interesting. Once the time travel occurred and Scott tries to fix it there’s lots of exposition and somehow Gregory ends up with the love of his life and I can’t work out how or why, it got confusing.

Decent entry though, I could have read those two chatting at the bar for the whole story. Well done on completing the OWC.  

Okay - honestly?  I'm not at all sure what happened here.  It's an interesting idea, to meld a time travel tale with a romantic - and gay - story.  But the events and the logic in this one just...eluded me, leaving me unsure what to think.  And very confused.  

FWIW: there were little glimmers I liked: especially the visual aid of Scott explaining time travel using the glasses.  A nice touch...

Cheers,

--J

The writing isn't great - loads of awkward lines spread throughout make this a difficult read.

"Are you gay?" Huh? What's going on?

Scott speaks like English isn't his first language -- possibly a hint to the author as well.

"The Barkeeper looks astonished" Over that simple request -- geez, wait until he finds out we sent a man to the moon, he's gonna flip.

I'm on page 6 and just about holding on -- this is just two talking heads and it's not great dialogue so it's hard to follow. Sorry, but I'm close to bailing on this one... A story needs to move forward, yours is stuck in park at the moment.

Well, at least the barkeeper is keeping busy, how many glasses has he polished now? She should get a dishwasher.

"finish peeing, Gregory." Great line.

"He closes the zip of his pants while Scott lights a cigarette." Okay... what just happened here?

Well, I finished but I did breeze past a few pages I'm afraid to say -- to say this story lacked clarity is an understatement. I do think there is a real meaningful story under the surface, a man who's been lying to himself about his sexuality and is finally coming to terms with it or accepting who he is. I believe Scott is trying to help, but Gregory never took the chance so Scott reverted him back to his normal self. All guesses really because this one was hard to follow.

It's crammed full of awkward lines and the dialogue reads very poorly -- it needs a really good polish is what I'm saying. Remember to try and keep your story moving, it's never good to stick to one scene with two guys talking as it becomes boring really fast.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

This was a weird one. Sometimes the writing was way off, almost to the point of incomprehensibility. Then, there's a nice little flourish. And back and forth between the two. Like the writer was going all method and getting drunk like his protagonist then having moments of clarity.

I read some bits twice and still didn't get it. Maybe it meets the challenge but I didn't follow. I'm all for obtuse stories that take some figuring out but it's a fine line between being intrigued and just being plain confused and impossible to follow.

A hangover can feel like time travel, I guess.  And in love, as in comedy, timing is everything.  Anyway, I like the characters and the dialogue, and recognize that Gregory and Timmy needed something to jolt them awake.  Cold water? Pie in the face?  Time travel?

The characters of the bartender and the neighbor lady are interesting, their apparent willingness to help and withhold judgment gives the story a sweet unreality that I like.