Constant Escapement by R. McManus (rendevous)  - Short - In a basement in a town a long way from anywhere a man tries to change the past to fix his present. - pdf, format

I like the writing style of this one. I think the best I've read so far in terms of screen-writing ability.

Yeah, I'm at page 2 and this is a skilled writer. My fear of typo's and grammar errors are now at ease and I can read comfortably. Thanks.

HG Wells, even the mention of the name sends a shiver down my spine. Thanks for that. Very nice touch. Just goes to show that the small things matter.

Code Eric, in a dressing gown, sits at the table eating cereal in a bowl.

First niggle for me. This kinda reads that he is seated at a table that is in a bowl. I think you could leave off the 'in a bowl' thing altogether. Most people eat cereal out of a bowl. It's a safe assumption Even if you wanted to leave it in, he would be eating from the bowl, not in it.

Code ANNIE I’ve got to go to work, Eric. I know you’re hungry and desperate to tell me all about it. You can cook your own breakfast and tell the dog all about it.

I think you could cut the second 'all about it' from this dialogue. Maybe write, tell the dog instead. or just leave it at, tell the dog

Code He unplugs the internet cable from a desktop computer then plugs the metal box into it. He connects the internet cable to the box.

You could write the above in all one sentence.

I'm at page 6 and my mind is starting to wander. The initial couple of pages hooked me, now we seem to have hit boredomville, nothing is happening. That probably means the scenes are too long, or maybe even superfluous. Difficult for me to tell yet as I haven't finished.

Code ERIC Shit on a glitter stick.

Nice visual.

Code Lights on and computers fired up, Eric types and clicks furiously with a keyboard and mouse.

Just leave it at 'types and clicks furiously'. He couldn't type with a keyboard, well he probably could, but it wouldn't be easy. One types using or on a keyboard.

Code He puts it into the waist of the back of his pants, adjusts himself, thinks better of it. Pockets it in his suit jacket.

What type of gun fits in a suit jacket? Is it a derringer? Do you mean for me to be imagining a pocket gun, or did you intend for something bigger? The thing is, one wouldn't attempt to tuck a derringer into the back of their pants, I'd imagine.

Code INT. MACHINE Cables, wires and pipes almost cover the ceiling and walls. In the centre of the machine is a black coffin shaped object. Eric gets into it. As the lid closes a siren blares three times. The machine fills with a blinding blue light. EXT. FOREST - DAY A flash of white light amongst the bushes and trees. The black coffin appears. It slides a few feet on the uneven ground until a large bush stops it. Eric climbs out, breathes in deep. Glances around. He gathers branches to cover the coffin. ERIC I should have brought a saw.

In the above sequence it suddenly struck me that the coffin wouldn't be able to get back. I hope this is explained later.

Code aquaintainted?

Is this deliberate to make the guy sound stupid?

Code He lets go of a whoop then glances around with embarrasment.

Embarrassment. I'm not sure he letting go of a whoop is the right way to go about it. He lets out a whoop, would read better.

Code A bright flash of white light and it’s gone. INT. LANDELL HOUSE - BASEMENT - NIGHT The hatch of the machine squeaks as Eric pushes it open. He puts the gun back into the safe with shaking hands.

I'd like to know how the coffin moved without all the wires and machinery around it that is in the basement. Maybe the coffin has a battery or something. Not a big deal, just made me wonder.

Nice little story. Pretty basic... but too long. Well told for the most part. I get that they wanted their kid back and he ends up making things worse... or better. Who knows, his new chick may be freaky

This one has potential.

Well...hmmm...

Writing-wise, this is easily the best so far, but there are some isues here and there, most noteably missing commas that actually change the way the sentence reads.  A few misisng words as well, but otherwise, pretty well done.

Structurally, this is also well put together and shows attention to detail and thought.  Sometimes it's the little things that tip off a good writer and this script is full of such examples - sometimes not showing things that works well, other times emphesis on things that work to create a certain mood.

But, on the negative side, too much detail that is meaningless.  I think this story as told could easily be done in 12 pages, meaning, as written, this drags unnecessarily, even though it is well done and well put together.

Biggest problem for me is the ending, as it falls flat as written, as if you ran out of room and couldn't really develop the finale you were after.  If you removed all the unnecessary detail early on, you'd have the room you want and need to properly close this out.  It's not a bad ending per se, but I was hoping for more and left unsatisfied.

Overall, this is strong and well done.  You created real mood and created characters that were both flawed and real, who I rooted for and understood, and that's tough to do, period, let alone in a week's time.

Congrats on a well thought out and pretty well written script.

A strenuous read for me this one but I’ll put that down to preference – I much prefer a leaner style but that’s hardly your fault. In saying that, it does bog down the read and that slows the pace somewhat.

This isn’t a bad story: couple loses child to some drunk driver, wife has moved on while the husband attempts to alter the past to save his child.

I do wish there was more action, did become a bit dull during the middle section and I don’t care how you put it, but reading about some guy drinking and watching television isn’t in the slightest interesting.

Some things didn’t make sense to me… who was Brandon and what role did he play? Was this to tell us that Eric was some kind of dealer? His reaction to the missing Annie after getting back was also hard to take – she’s missing, so he goes back to drinking!? Huh? This is a guy who should and is desperate to get his family back so his reaction seemed… breezy.

And the twist did lack some punch – I think it was obvious to be honest, but it may have been intended that way?

Otherwise this wasn’t bad, real characters for most part with a real problem that folks can relate to so good job. If there was a way to improve this then I would look at the pacing, and try to trim down that dull section in between time jumps – possibly another ending that will shock the reader. What if the child lived but the wife died instead – like an ironic twist for the character.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

Fast paced. Intriguing. Emotional.

First, I love how this starts with the machine. And a cool steampunk design. We also immediately know it's dangerous as he exits bloody. Intriguing right away. Especially with his first words "is he back". You got me interested from the get go.

The overall vibe was like Twilight Zone. A constantly building mystey. Is he a hitman sent to kill villains of the past? Or is he trying to correct something? I like how you made this a personal mission, trying to saved a loved one. I also liked the imagery of the coffin. He travels back because of death so it was darkly poetic.  As was the ending.

The end got me emotionally. It's so sad that he is left with only the memory of loss. He traveled through time but didn't succeed.Devasting. He still has loss. Only mememories.  And rage. And the man who was responsible is no longer. Nice use of the consequences of altering history.

I wish you told more about his daughter. Or a quick scene of him releasing his emotions. Otherwise I really enjoyed this. You kept me thinking. And it didn't get too scientific. We got the machine minus the technical details. In this case it was a good decision. You're focusing on emotional payoff. The human side. Not the sci-fi elements.

A sweetly dark poem to emotional loss.

I understood the idea behind it - he went back to change something and that altered the future in return.
THe idea behind it is simple and very easy to understand.
THe beginning is nice, slowly paced and well done.
But I didn't understand a lot in the middle. You describe his clothes in detail, every else, what people on the streets are doing - if you want to let us know the time changes you could just provide something small.
I don't think you need this many pages for it. Or make them more interesting - either one.

I liked the beginning, very atmospheric and mysterious but the mystery was spread out too long, so I lost interest before it was revealed why he'd gone back in time in the first place.

This is a simply tale, which is sometimes the best way, but goes on a lot longer than necessary. I realised pretty early on after he returned he'd changed his future and his wife either no longer existed or was not his wife anymore. However I had to read through normal mundane stuff for several minutes of screentime before he realised it. Was it a positive or negative ending; depends on how hot the new woman was!

The time travel machine is never really explained, which isn't a problem but you have to ponder why his wife is working when they have the ability to make as much money as they want via time travel?

Nicely done though, well written and I liked the drunken telephone conversation especially.  

Great stuff, my favorite so far out of about 8.

The only thing that didn't ring true was when the ironmonger asked him if his gun was a Colt, I think that would be the last thing on his mind.

But all in all good s***.

Well, the logline makes no sense so hopefully the script is different.

First page is very overwritten, watch out for all that unneeded stuff.

Up to page 7 so far, the death of the son would've had a bigger impact if you left out the priest scene. I get why you put it there but it takes away a lot of the surprise and mystery. The flashback with the laughing police officers was a great scene though, a perfect save the cat moment.

Don't like him talking to himself/his dog.

Machine kind of reminds me of the one from Primer.

Twist wasn't anything original, kind of expected it but besides that, this was pretty good. Writing was fine, maybe a little overwritten at times, dialogue wasn't bad either which seems to be a big problem with all OWC entries. But I quite liked this. Good job.

This started out real good. Nice scene descriptions and setting up the mystery. A bit overwritten for my taste, but the story was taking me through it.

A small nitpick, Page 2: “ERIC: We should change that wallpaper” First I thought you should cut it because I already understood the importance of the wallpaper from your description. Now I also think you should cut it because, if Eric’s the one who can’t let go, I don’t think he’d be the one to suggest tearing down the wallpaper.

I think you may have lost momentum by setting up things you didn’t really need in the first place. I think the set-up/pay-offs of Brandon and the Priest are superfluous. We’ll still understand his reality’s been altered when he calls his wife’s office. Or when the new politician’s ad comes on TV. Heck, maybe his dog has a different name.

Once the momentum slowed down, I found myself wondering things you were probably hoping I wouldn’t ask. Like who is Eric that he has a machine like that? And why is he going back over 100 years when the event he’s looking to correct seems more recent.

Overall I liked what you were going for here. Maybe it’s because it took so long to get there, but the twist had a ‘soft landing’ for me. I thought it could use more. Like what if the new wife was pregnant? Does he stay or does he go?

Decent work though and an enjoyable entry. Congrats

Hey Writer,

Pg 1: steam punk and Anthony Gormley? Maybe I'm out of the loop, but I don't know what this means.

Lots of insects so far, a fly, a moth, a cicada, oh and a frog? Setting the scene or a deeper meaning?

Okay, this was not half bad. You could have done away with some of the exposition. The constant showbiz news on the TV was annoying. You had a very good set up here, but the ending left me scratching my head. So...who is this woman who's now his wife. Did Eric kill that man in the shop?  And if so, exactly how did this change the future?  See, the questions have no answers here, and I think they deserve to be answered. As it is it doesn't really make any sense.

Aside from that, your action blocks were written awkwardly at times and this piece could have been trimmed down. But, you still need to answer those questions!

A decent effort, though. Congrats on getting this done.

Steve

logline... very bland

Quoted from Steve Pg 1: steam punk and Anthony Gormley? Maybe I'm out of the loop, but I don't know what this means.

I'm out of the same loop, but google tells me it's Antony Gormley and he's a British Sculptor and as for Steampunk, it's a sub-genre of science fiction that typically features steam-powered machinery,especially in a setting inspired by industrialized Western civilization during the 19th century.

So that clears it up

I actually found this pretty hard read, I had to go back over a few times just to understand what was happening.

Finished

This one dragged on for me and as Steve pointed out without any suitable answers. It only picked up when he finally went back in time and obviously killed Randolphs ancestor. Then when he got home again, he spent too long wandering around an empty house looking for his "wife"

so what happened to Annie?... the priest became the billboard guy, Brandon completely changed personality  and Eric got a new wife, just don't know who she is.

Good job on entering

Mark

When I first cracked this open, I thought I would hate it, due to the dense description.  Surprisingly, I found that didn't get in the way... and I did find the story caught my attention.  Is the concept of wanting to go back and save one's son in any way unique?  Nah.  But it worked, for what it was... And the writing (despite the detail) was decent.

Until the very end, when the story just seemed to run out of steam.  The minute he couldn't find Annie, it was obvious the way this was going.  And the main issue for me was, how exactly did killing Abe's relative tie in with Eric marrying someone else?  Yes, he changed the past, but what specifically changed in the time line to have this causality?  And in time travel stories, things like that are important.  The logic (such as it is with such things) has to gell and make sense.  

This one didn't. Though if you rework the last third, this has the makings of something fun.  

Cheers,

--J

Constant escapement

There is a lot to like in this.

I liked the way you handled the setting. Nice extra touches, just a few, but enough to give tone.

The sense of unspoken loss was well handled at the beginning. Then the sense of what will he do next and how will affect them. Can they survive as a couple after the loss?

The conclusion that everything changes was a bit disappointing and to a degree doesn't make sense, but does any time travel script?

Well written, even if a little dense in places, but probably needs a greater conenction between the event and the outcome, rather than random circumstance, but then again, that's what could happen.

Not sure why he has to go back so far to stop a car crash.

Almost there.

This was like entering a demolition derby dressed in a suit and driving a Ford Mondeo - if you're going to crash, don't bother getting dressed up nice for it.

Okay, the writing was strong, I don't think there's much doubt about that; most complaints would only be minor.

But the story hits problems shorty after the off. It's a strong start, with the lights in sequence and monitors flicking on, and the fly on the keyboard - a nice example of calling shots without actually calling them. Then there's noise, detail, suspense, and blood.

Left me really wanting to know what happened to this guy - what the story was behind all of this. All of this from dark to light, and noise and blood is all cooled down again to dark to great effect. For me, this was a real opener. And after that we should go elsewhere, to begin building up the story that will explain all of this to good effect.

...actually, we'll stay here a little bit while the wife pops in.

Then we'll do a different script about something else that doesn't really explain anything of the above, but has lots of TV adverts in it.

Sorry, but not for me - even if the story idea is neat - change one thing in the past and it changes everything in the future, it just doesn't do the set-up justice because  the rest of it's nothing to do with the set-up. JMO.

This was a wild ride, but very enjoyable.  The things that happened in the story were less interesting to me than how they happened.  I admire the vivid imagery and the crispness of the moments in time selected for juxtaposition -- this could be an entertaining and successful film if the director followed the visual cues and energy of the script.

First 5 and I was excited. Sadly it falls apart from that point.

I missed the believability. Politician's careers are finished with a death bringing accident, especially with children.
Ok. I swallow the pill. I get more and more the drama flair, the funeral is been planed and everything. This depth enlarged more and more the question:

Why has Eric a time machine? Just, because he's a professor?

That works in comedy or sci fi short. I would accept it. It's too haphazardly presented.

Then Eric travels back in 13 century to kill an ancestor of the politician to erase the whole family. Maybe, because of your hint the politician's republican's family brought just dead to the world.  "Feels" biased.

It all jumps around in a drama of a time traveler, from who I don't know why he can do it; after an accident where the guilt of the bad guy wasn't shown. Things just happen on the surface without the needed believability.

It's the best title of the OWC for me, but didn't represent the script's content.

The positive is that it was a good read until I started to ask myself all these questions.

This was a bit mixed for me - parts are extremely well written (a few missing commas aside), especially the characters - they seemed both believable and real, and I was drawn into their world. But you have a tendency to overwrite some descriptions. Maybe this is just a personal preference, but I found that it bogged the story down quite a bit.

I found the opening really intriguing, and it kept me wanting to turn the page to find out what was happening. Unfortunately the story then became a little dull as it went on and I started to lose interest.

Eric's constant talking to himself didn't help - it always takes me out of a story when a character seems to be constantly having a conversation with himself. I'd try to cut as much of this out as you can if I were you.

I wasn't sure how the time travelling coffin actually worked. i could understand it being able to go back in time from his basement as it was rigged up to the machine, but there was no explanation as to how it was able to travel back into the present - he just gets inside and it vanishes. At least show him doing something when he gets back inside it to operate the machine.

I also didn't like the sequence of him not being able to find the coffin, searching for it, then tripping over it - it felt a little pointless.

As for the ending, it was a bit of an anti-climax and just felt a little flat. I was kinda left wanting more. Good effort though, you clearly have talent.

Enjoyable read. Nicely written, yet a bit overly descriptive in some areas but I feel it worked here. I loved the concept of a man (Eric) traveling in time to save his son from a drunken driver. Interesting take having Eric wipe out Abe's ancestors so in return he wouldn't have been born but the ending had me bit confused. So Eric is now married to a different woman? How does that tie in with killing Abe's ancestors?

Overall, I like it. Just a little confused is all.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Although the description were a little dense (I agree with Steve - I like the leaner approach) I did like the idea in this one.

I liked the setup of the world before and how everything turned out.

I liked the 'homemade time machine'. I can see a lot of effort went into describing this - more so than most others, so kudos on that.

But, even though I did like this, I found myself wanting to know more - there was a lot left out and I think this would read better as a feature. I could see this as something I'd go to watch at the cinema. There are so many more angles on things that you could expand on. And I think that's my main quibble with this - things need to be explained more.

I also was feeling that the part after Eric had gone back, then he was just kind of mopping around was a tad long.  

The twist at the end was good.

As I said - turn this into a feature and I'll be there.

Good job.

Renee  

I missed commenting on most of these entries, cause of work. I read quite a few however, and this was one I thought stood out. Not surprised now to see who wrote it - good to see you back on the boards, Re! Your wit and writing has been sorely missed

I think this could have been a contender.  It was very nicely written. Biggest problem I see with it is that I just don't think the payoff was satisfying enough for most readers.

If you'd ramped up the emotional/accident scene (sometimes less is more, I know... but not here imh), pulled at the heart strings a little more re the son's death, lost a little of the flab/self reflection of the character in the middle, and given us a stunner ending i.e., that the (new) woman who appears turns up with a different kid i.e., Eric has an entirely different life with a wife and child he's never met, then I think that would have been a cracker ending.

As usual you know what you're doing with the writing and the general consensus reflects this, I just think most readers felt a little shortchanged with the denouement... least I did.

Great work though.  

Now that I've been outed, er no, not like that. Not that there's anything wrong with that type of... Hang on, I'll start again.

Now that I've been named (that's better) I'll respond to a few points until you, or I, or perhaps both us, get bored and let it lie.

Firstly - Dustin Bowcott

Thanks for the kind comments at the start. As for the cereal bowl bit, I thought if I didn't mention the bowl then some smartarses, or perphaps dumbarses, would say hey, why is the guy eating cereal without a bowl? They'd have a image of him eating it straight out of the box or even eating barley straight from the field.
Erm, I think I've gone on quite enough about that now.

Quoted from DustinBowcott Just leave it at 'types and clicks furiously'. He couldn't type with a keyboard, well he probably could, but it wouldn't be easy. One types using or on a keyboard.

What? He can type on a keyboard. Presumably you mean mouse. I put it as is because I hate it in movies when a character is typing furiously away on a keyboard yet the monitor shows them flicking through menus and selecting stuff. Nobody's shortcut skills are that good. Maybe I shouldn't settle pet peeves in a script.

Quoted from DustinBowcott I think you could cut the second 'all about it' from this dialogue. Maybe write, tell the dog instead. or just leave it at, tell the dog.

Yeah, I could. But then she said it like that for comic effect. Which I found quite funny. I maybe alone in that finding. This has happened before.

And may occur again.

Quoted from DustinBowcott What type of gun fits in a suit jacket? Is it a derringer? Do you mean for me to be imagining a pocket gun, or did you intend for something bigger? The thing is, one wouldn't attempt to tuck a derringer into the back of their pants, I'd imagine..

Well, it depends on the jacket. He may have deep pockets or even just a hole in the lining. It maybe his special 'gun with silencer pocket' jacket that he keeps near his yoyo.

I'd say it's not that big of a stretch to go with it. He's not trying to fit a rocket launcher in the back pocket of his jeans or an AK47 down his sock.

Quoted from DustinBowcott In the above sequence it suddenly struck me that the coffin wouldn't be able to get back. I hope this is explained later..

I too have been suddenly struck. It was a few years ago and I was on the wrong side of town and...oh, wrong website.

Why wouldn't the coffin be able to get back? Jumping in time is alright but using a coffin shaped device to return isn't?

The idea was that he can get back home in the coffin shaped device by pressing a recall button. I didn't show it or state it as you don't get to see inside the coffin. His return journey is set up before he gets in the time machine to leave home.

I'm not sure why 'aquaintainted?' makes the guy sound stupid. No, it's not deliberate. Not sure what you had in mind.

Quoted from DustinBowcott I'm not sure he letting go of a whoop is the right way to go about it. He lets out a whoop, would read better.

Not to do what I was trying to do. Never let out a whoop, or something similar, that came out a bit too loud and you're trying to avoid attention?

Quoted from DustinBowcott Nice little story. Pretty basic... but too long. Well told for the most part. I get that they wanted their kid back and he ends up making things worse... or better. Who knows, his new chick may be freaky

Thanks for the compliments. Basic? Perhaps. I was going for satisfying. Judging from later comments I didn't quite manage it. Or didn't get even close, depending on who you ask.

I didn't think 15 pages was enough to get into a complicated or convoluted story. Too long? Maybe. It could do with trimming and polishing. There ain't many scripts or films that wouldn't benefit from a good going over with the scissors.

More later. Maybe...

Next up, Dreamscale.

Quoted from Dreamscale But, on the negative side, too much detail that is meaningless.  I think this story as told could easily be done in 12 pages, meaning, as written, this drags unnecessarily, even though it is well done and well put together.

Detail that's meant to help set the scene or give other information. I read a lot on here about 'overwriting'. Yeah, you can cut the thing down to ten pages and it'll read faster. But it won't be as clear and it'll definitely be a lot harder to picture. There's also pacing to consider. But one man's meat is another's murder. And some people hate Elysium and like Michael Bay.

Quoted from Dreamscale Biggest problem for me is the ending, as it falls flat as written, as if you ran out of room and couldn't really develop the finale you were after.  If you removed all the unnecessary detail early on, you'd have the room you want and need to properly close this out.  It's not a bad ending per se, but I was hoping for more and left unsatisfied.

Yeah, you're not alone in that. I think 'falls flat' is a bit strong, but then again, I would think that, wouldn't I? The ending was planned so I got where I wanted. It's a pity it wasn't where many others wanted to go. There was a few other ideas I had after, but I doubt they would have satisfied more.

Quoted from Dreamscale Overall, this is strong and well done.  You created real mood and created characters that were both flawed and real, who I rooted for and understood, and that's tough to do, period, let alone in a week's time. Congrats on a well thought out and pretty well written script.

Thanks very much.

Next.

Quoted from CoopBazinga I do wish there was more action, did become a bit dull during the middle section and I don’t care how you put it, but reading about some guy drinking and watching television isn’t in the slightest interesting.

Oh dear. Didn't seem to bother most when Tony Soprano did it. But he was in the Sopranos. Which is like comparing a ringtone to Beethoven.

And Eric did need a rest as well as what he's watching is part of the plot, as well as a diversion. Looking back he didn't do it that much. But it did appear to make an undesired impression.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Some things didn’t make sense to me… who was Brandon and what role did he play? Was this to tell us that Eric was some kind of dealer? His reaction to the missing Annie after getting back was also hard to take – she’s missing, so he goes back to drinking!? Huh? This is a guy who should and is desperate to get his family back so his reaction seemed… breezy.

Eric may have had some questionable dealings with Brandon, but he's not a dealer as such. His change later on is part of the plot.

Annie's missing. He rings her and can't get through. He could have phoned round but it's late and if you do, people will talk. So I've heard.

After he'd done what he had, Eric may have need of a drink or two. Breezy? What else should he have done?

Quoted from CoopBazinga And the twist did lack some punch – I think it was obvious to be honest, but it may have been intended that way?

I think the end wasn't meant as a twist as such. You're meant to see it coming. But it has more ramifications than it's been given credit for. Or I may be trying to blow my own little trumpet and it's a bit flat.

Anyways, thanks to all who read and commented. I'll be here all week. Drive safely.

Quoted from Last Fountain Fast paced. Intriguing. Emotional.

Oh yes. Now, this is far more like it. Nothing about it being too long or complaints about watching TV or the like. Or misplaced or missing commas. Keep going...

Quoted from Last Fountain First, I love how this starts with the machine. And a cool steampunk design. We also immediately know it's dangerous as he exits bloody. Intriguing right away. Especially with his first words "is he back". You got me interested from the get go.

I couldn't have put it better myself. Don't stop...

Quoted from Last Fountain The overall vibe was like Twilight Zone. A constantly building mystey. Is he a hitman sent to kill villains of the past? Or is he trying to correct something? I like how you made this a personal mission, trying to saved a loved one. I also liked the imagery of the coffin. He travels back because of death so it was darkly poetic.  As was the ending.

Well I have to say either you're a fan or this is Stevie having a laugh because his record player is broken and he's jammed the 'White Album' in his CD player. Either way, I like it.

Quoted from Last Fountain I wish you told more about his daughter. Or a quick scene of him releasing his emotions. Otherwise I really enjoyed this. You kept me thinking. And it didn't get too scientific. We got the machine minus the technical details. In this case it was a good decision. You're focusing on emotional payoff. The human side. Not the sci-fi elements. A sweetly dark poem to emotional loss.

Exactly. Although poem may be a bit... Hang on, daughter? I think you mean son. I'm not sure about him releasing his emotions. Eric prefers emptying bottles and tinkering with machines rather than punching walls. There's a lot of fellas like that.

I appreciate the compliments. Glad you liked it. Makes it all worthwhile.

Quoted from khamanna I understood the idea behind it - he went back to change something and that altered the future in return. THe idea behind it is simple and very easy to understand. THe beginning is nice, slowly paced and well done. But I didn't understand a lot in the middle. You describe his clothes in detail, every else, what people on the streets are doing - if you want to let us know the time changes you could just provide something small.

Oh well. This is a stark difference to Last Fountain's review. I can't quite agree that the middle is difficult to understand. I thought I was sparse with the detail and spare with the descriptions. All that's to give you an idea what the place looks like. I was showing, not telling. Would you really rather not know all that? Er, I think I can sense the answer.

Quoted from khamanna I don't think you need this many pages for it. Or make them more interesting - either one.

Ouch.

I see the spirit of Pauline Kael is alive and well. Now I know how M. Night Shalamayan feels. Well, that's probably pushing it.

Thanks though! In my darker moments I can always reread that line and wonder why the hell I bother at all.
Then pace up and down dark streets drenched in rain while I consider why life is just a brief glimmer of light between two huge slabs of darkness...
Or I might put Laurel and Hardy on instead.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw I liked the beginning, very atmospheric and mysterious...

Ah, now we're back to where we were -

Quoted from MarkRenshaw ...but the mystery was spread out too long, so I lost interest before it was revealed why he'd gone back in time in the first place.

- but not for long. That's a shame. All that plotting and pacing and working out. Wasted. Didn't mean a thing. Ah well, never mind. Now where is my Laurel and Hardy DVD gone? What do you mean, you don't know? You desert me...

Er, you need to adopt the indignant tones of Oliver Hardy for that last bit to work.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw The time travel machine is never really explained, which isn't a problem but you have to ponder why his wife is working when they have the ability to make as much money as they want via time travel?

I could have explained the time travel machine. And then a load of people would have asked - Why did you explain the time travel machine in a time travel OWC challenge? So, I didn't.

Eric's wife Annie is a surgeon. They're not on the breadline. She works because she wants to. She comments on 'Somebody's got to be an adult around here' as she doesn't really like what he's doing and wishes he'd do something else.

As for going back and making money, that'd take a machine that would be able to deliver you to exactly the right moment a la Back to the Future. And, Great Scott!! Did The Doc not warn us all strenously about the huge dangers of going back to the past to place bets?

And let's not even think about getting into Primer. Nobody needs a headache right now.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Nicely done though, well written and I liked the drunken telephone conversation especially.

I thank you. More later, if I run out of Laurel and Hardy.

Constant Escapement

The script was pretty easy to follow, sounds like it sucks to be Eric.  Actually, the concept itself would be an intriguing feature if you ask me.  I think it would be pretty crazy to see the rest play out from where it ended.

Good use of visual connotation in the opening passages.  A few incomplete sentences here and there that could've been combined but overall solid writing.  The pacing was good, but given the tone of the script, I thought there were some unnecessary details.

I realize Eric's motivation should be automatic, but i thought there was room for something greater between him and Annie to give the ending more punch.  I didn't care either way if Eric got screwed over in the present.

Johnny

Hey oJOHNNYoNUTSo,

That's not so easy a name to say. Thank Kerriste for copy and paste. I'd almost forgotten about this script. You were kind on the whole. I wonder why so many dislike detail. Something I get told off about quite regularly.

You may be right about the end. If you didn't care either way then I missed a trick for you.

Thanks. I will respond to the other reviews when I get time, I hope.

R

Quoted from rendevous Thanks for the kind comments at the start. As for the cereal bowl bit, I thought if I didn't mention the bowl then some smartarses, or perphaps dumbarses, would say hey, why is the guy eating cereal without a bowl? They'd have a image of him eating it straight out of the box or even eating barley straight from the field. Erm, I think I've gone on quite enough about that now.

It wasn't that you mentioned the bowl that was my issue it was the grammar used to introduce it.

Quoted from rendevous What? He can type on a keyboard. Presumably you mean mouse. I put it as is because I hate it in movies when a character is typing furiously away on a keyboard yet the monitor shows them flicking through menus and selecting stuff. Nobody's shortcut skills are that good. Maybe I shouldn't settle pet peeves in a script.

You wrote that he types 'with' a keyboard. I didn't feel that this was the correct word to use. I still don't.

Quoted from rendevous Well, it depends on the jacket. He may have deep pockets or even just a hole in the lining. It maybe his special 'gun with silencer pocket' jacket that he keeps near his yoyo. I'd say it's not that big of a stretch to go with it. He's not trying to fit a rocket launcher in the back pocket of his jeans or an AK47 down his sock.

Anyone would question a gun with silencer attached conveniently fitting inside a suit jacket.

Quoted from rendevous Why wouldn't the coffin be able to get back? Jumping in time is alright but using a coffin shaped device to return isn't? The idea was that he can get back home in the coffin shaped device by pressing a recall button. I didn't show it or state it as you don't get to see inside the coffin. His return journey is set up before he gets in the time machine to leave home.

Before the coffin left it was attached to wires and pipes etc that were obviously powering it. I had no idea how the coffin was going to get back without the same set up.

Quoted from rendevous I'm not sure why 'aquaintainted?' makes the guy sound stupid. No, it's not deliberate. Not sure what you had in mind.

Because it is a mistake. The word is 'acquainted'.

Quoted from rendevous Not to do what I was trying to do. Never let out a whoop, or something similar, that came out a bit too loud and you're trying to avoid attention?

Whoops by definition are loud.

Quoted from rendevous Basic?

I like basic. Basic as in not overly complicated.

Quoted from rendevous I didn't think 15 pages was enough to get into a complicated or convoluted story. Too long? Maybe. It could do with trimming and polishing. There ain't many scripts or films that wouldn't benefit from a good going over with the scissors. More later. Maybe...

I didn't think it was complicated. Yes, trimming and polishing.

Good luck.

Quoted from AtholForsyth Great stuff, my favorite so far out of about 8. The only thing that didn't ring true was when the ironmonger asked him if his gun was a Colt, I think that would be the last thing on his mind. But all in all good s***.

I ran out of Laurel & Hardy.

Thanks AF. The old man asked him was it a Colt as he doesn't think he's actually gonna get shot and he's trying to engage in conversation. Plus he's never seen a gun like that before and he's interested. I think I doth protest a little too much.

Quoted from nawazm11 Well, the logline makes no sense so hopefully the script is different.

Oh dear. I see we're not starting off very gently. I'm not a fan of writing loglines. It ain't easy. I wouldn't say I was good at it but I would like to think I did write one that actually made some sense.

Quoted from nawazm11 First page is very overwritten, watch out for all that unneeded stuff.

Oooh, that's a bit of a kick in the cock.

And there I was trying to set up an atmosphere and some intrigue and mystery when all actually did was overwrite a load of unneeded stuff.

Quoted from nawazm11 Don't like him talking to himself/his dog.

Well, that's a shame. Works in loads of films and screenplays. But not mine, obviously.

I suppose I could have had him doing sign language with the dog, but I doubt that would have solved the problem.

Voice over? Be sure to get a kicking. Ah well.

Quoted from nawazm11 Machine kind of reminds me of the one from Primer.

I've forgotten what the actual machine was. I've vague memories of it being a metal container unit, The type they use as a lock up on building sites. I'd say this one was a bit different. I may seem argumentative, but I'm fairly sure nobody else will stick up for this thing.

Quoted from nawazm11 Twist wasn't anything original, kind of expected it but besides that, this was pretty good. Writing was fine, maybe a little overwritten at times, dialogue wasn't bad either which seems to be a big problem with all OWC entries. But I quite liked this. Good job.

I expected more of a kicking at the end, so I'm surprised and glad you seemed to like it.

Quoted from EWall433 A bit overwritten for my taste, but the story was taking me through it.

I detect a theme emerging,

Quoted from EWall433 A small nitpick, Page 2: “ERIC: We should change that wallpaper” First I thought you should cut it because I already understood the importance of the wallpaper from your description. Now I also think you should cut it because, if Eric’s the one who can’t let go, I don’t think he’d be the one to suggest tearing down the wallpaper.

I disagree. But then I'm bound to. He's just come back from another effort to save his son. He doesn't often come into the room and he's promised himself and his better half that he'd change that wallpaper which harks back to an era long passed, no matter what happens. I'd say he'd definitely say it.

Quoted from EWall433 I think the set-up/pay-offs of Brandon and the Priest are superfluous. We’ll still understand his reality’s been altered when he calls his wife’s office.

That's one way to look at it. And there was me thinking I was being entertaining and interesting.

Another would be to show, rather than tell, how what he'd done has affected many things in unexpected ways.

Quoted from EWall433 Once the momentum slowed down, I found myself wondering things you were probably hoping I wouldn’t ask. Like who is Eric that he has a machine like that? And why is he going back over 100 years when the event he’s looking to correct seems more recent.

All that's fine. Shows a little interest at the least. I'd be more worried if you'd concerned yourself with the antics of Justin Bieber.

At the start he returns from a failed attempt. He decides to go further back to try and be more successful as he's convinced himself about 'the whole bloody family'.

Quoted from EWall433 Overall I liked what you were going for here. Maybe it’s because it took so long to get there, but the twist had a ‘soft landing’ for me. I thought it could use more. Like what if the new wife was pregnant? Does he stay or does he go? Decent work though and an enjoyable entry. Congrats.

Thanks. Maybe it could use more. But I like the idea of open ends and possibilities.

Quoted from StevenClark Hey Writer, Pg 1: steam punk and Anthony Gormley? Maybe I'm out of the loop, but I don't know what this means.

Hey Steven. You may indeed be out of the loop. I may be too. I suspect those in the loop are being careful not to tell those out of the loop about how you can get in. The hairy barstards.

As for steampunk and Gormley, you could always have a look on a search engine. That sounds sarcastic. But what, can I only reference stuff I'm sure other people definitely know? It'd make it a bit dull.

Quoted from StevenClark Lots of insects so far, a fly, a moth, a cicada, oh and a frog? Setting the scene or a deeper meaning?

Well, indeed. Some would call it overwriting. It may be they are very very busy and don't have the time for that kind of thing.

Quoted from StevenClark Okay, this was not half bad. You could have done away with some of the exposition. The constant showbiz news on the TV was annoying.

Thanks. I can almost detect a compliment there. I could have done away with some of the stuff you call exposition and had some more heads scratching. As for the TV, he's flicking through channels and it's mentioned. It's going on in the background. I don't spend paragraphs detailing it. It's not like you have to watch it. It was more a comment on what might be on TV. It seems to have grated a little more than it should have.

Quoted from StevenClark You had a very good set up here, but the ending left me scratching my head. So...who is this woman who's now his wife. Did Eric kill that man in the shop?  And if so, exactly how did this change the future?  See, the questions have no answers here, and I think they deserve to be answered. As it is it doesn't really make any sense.

Glad you liked the set up. Ah, head scratching. I'll try to explain. This woman who is now his wife, she's his wife.

Did Eric kill the man in the shop, and the other people upstairs? He did something, that's for sure as it's very different when he gets home. I could have shown him getting all Rambo and shooting loads of people. But I doubt that would have been fun for anyone.

It changed the future, or Eric's present, in many ways, as I detailed at the end. I thought there were lots of answers and it made sense. Others said it was too obvious, some of the changes were deemed superflous. I would despair, but it's only an OWC short script. It's not like that war in Syria or downtown Baghdad.

Quoted from StevenClark Aside from that, your action blocks were written awkwardly at times and this piece could have been trimmed down. But, you still need to answer those questions! A decent effort, though. Congrats on getting this done.

  

I'd say it all there to be found. Written awkwardly? That's a bit rough. Trimmed down? You could hurt my feelings here now. But you'll have to do a lot better than that.

Quoted from irish eyes I actually found this pretty hard read, I had to go back over a few times just to understand what was happening.

  

Oh dearie me. Juding from your later summary you worked most of it out. I've been accused of overwriting by others. This is like that egg thing in Gulliver's Travels. Or maybe not.

Quoted from StevenClark This one dragged on for me and as Steve pointed out without any suitable answers.

  

Oh dear. Another big kick in the cock. Ah well, nobody died, eh? It's not like there's a drone overhead and we're in Yemen.

Let's just leave that there.

Quoted from wonkavite When I first cracked this open, I thought I would hate it, due to the dense description.  Surprisingly, I found that didn't get in the way... and I did find the story caught my attention.  Is the concept of wanting to go back and save one's son in any way unique?  Nah.  But it worked, for what it was... And the writing (despite the detail) was decent.

Seems many don't like my writing, or some of it at least. Good to know you thought it worked though.

Quoted from wonkavite Until the very end, when the story just seemed to run out of steam.  The minute he couldn't find Annie, it was obvious the way this was going.

I know what you mean. I was trying, and evidently failing for some, to build tension and suspense.

Pity it wasn't obvious to some others. As for tension, I had to the misfortune to watch Somewhere the other day. It made my script seem like Terminator 2.

Quoted from wonkavite And the main issue for me was, how exactly did killing Abe's relative tie in with Eric marrying someone else?  Yes, he changed the past, but what specifically changed in the time line to have this causality?  And in time travel stories, things like that are important.  The logic (such as it is with such things) has to gell and make sense.

Well, I could have spelt it all out then got a bollocking for doing so. Is leaving a little mystery in there so bad?

I'd disagree about the logic and having to make sense (for all). This is time travel. Killing a moth in the past could wipe out thousands of species by a huge stream of causality. Anyway, it made perfect sense to me. It still does when I read it. But I'm a bit bloody sick of it for now. So I may be back later. Talk amongst yourselves until then.

R

Hey RV,

Me, being a big sci-fy fan, I meant to comment  a while back, but got a bit sidetracked.  Better late than never I suppose...  

So Eric travels back into the past to try and change things.  Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to work that way.  In short, it didn't work as intended.  Things back fired on Eric.  I'm sensing an alternate reality in the end.   Did I get it wrong?  If so, please correct me.

I thought the story was simple and straightforward.  This was one of the better ones.

Ghostie

GW,

Good to hear from you. Many get sidetracked when it comes to reading, especially my stuff.

Thanks very much. Nope, you didn't get it wrong. Sounds about right, from what I recall.

It's not the best thing I've written, but it's a lot better than some of mine.

R