Interesting concept...  though, why exactly did Henry need to send Trevor vs. himself?  Just seems like he's asking for bad things to happen.  As they do, of course.

I like the ideas.  I like the general ending.  I DID feel that the characters were rather 1D and needed to be fleshed out.  Henry, for instance, just seems like a cartoony schmuck.  And Trevor, a petulant teen.  Yes, it's fine to play to type...but not to the extent that it feels cliche.  Personally, I feel a little more nuance would help this.  For instance, if Henry had mixed feelings about what happened to Laura, etc.  That would give this one more depth.

Congrats on the entry, though. And cheers...!

--J (W)

Sorry. But there isn't much sensibility here, for me.

A man invented a machine which allows his son to look into the past. And he gets no funding for such an invention. And that's just the start of missing believability for me...

Sorry, the story just gives an unbalanced feeling. The originality might be there, just anywhere behind. That's the positive I can say.

Not my stuff, it doesn't have to be...

Is it me or is there an awful lot of Father-Son type scripts in this challenge?

There's some writing issues here - not too sure what (p.12) "Susanna Finally, Henry bursts with anger." ...was/is supposed to mean. The pacing of the story seems to be non-existent too, and plenty of people have commented on the premise etc, so there's holes and so on.

But as for the story -- I have to say that I did like it, and it developed well, from a couple of different angles: Henry, who initially appeared to be decent enough slowly was shown to be selfish and arrogant, and Trevor's search for the stone, which was really him making a decision on if he was going to do the right thing or not.

Part of me kept expecting to find out what the stone was, and that was a nice MacGuffin, as really, what we found was what Trevor and Henry were made of - and as for a Father-Son tale, this was a slightly unusual take on it - one that wasn't completely evident from the off - from a subtext, it became the dominant factor, and nicely done.

I do think it would could do with re-working in a few areas, but it's certainly worth working on.

This one wasn't doing much for me. I'm kind of picky about dialogue, so seeing people's names in the majority of the lines seemed awkward. I know you mentioned time travel in dialogue, but the way the story was told, I never got the feel that this involved time travel. It seemed more like you just told stories from two different time periods. I just wasn't feeling what you were doing with this script.

D.

Hey, all!

Oh, well, not like I thought it would soar... I thought it up on the last day. Didn't have the time to think it through but decided to write it down and submit the first draft.
I did it for the fun of it and to be part of the group once again.

Maybe one day I'll rewrite. I shouldn't plan otherwise I'd immediately jinx it.

Anyway, thanks to all, who found the time to read and comment. My SS friends rock!!!

Thinking Back

This was okay, it had some errors, but overall it was written solid.   It's not a bad concept but the execution, mainly characters, needs reworking.  Trevor's dialogue is too mature, and Henry trying to justify his past was too dramatic.  On the nose stuff here.

Not sure if Laura and Gary are off the hook, especially that ending.  Gary's reaction to Trevor's gift was so out of character from when we first met him.  And Laura's character didn't make much sense either.  Everyone has their roles in this, but it's like everyone's stepping on each others feet.  I recommend making the stakes more about the stone rather than Trevor wanting to know if his father's an idiot.  I think Gary should be the surprise wrench thrown into the mix.

Johnny